Cannot Deal with it anymore

Old 07-18-2003, 07:17 PM
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Cannot Deal with it anymore

Hi, I have been married to an alcoholic for over 20 years. At the beginning I thought his drinking was just a matter of losing control. I did not grow up with alcohol so was quite naive. But there has been so many things over the years and it is still going on. I have been feeling so down lately cause when he gets drunk, he puts me down, calls me names and basically is just rude, obnoxious and repeats himself, slurring etc. I usually have to drive away someplace, have a coffee and wait til he passes out. He does most of his drinking out, but when he is home, I get so stressed and am very uneasy. I don't sleep much anymore. We have adult children now and they have gone through alot as well. The problem is we live in a small town and there are not many support groups and also my work co-intersects with some of the therapies etc. that I should be seeking out. I feel like I am slowly dying inside and I guess I feel it worse lately cause he has been drinking more at home. I am just astounded at how many he can drink and still stand there. I know I need to do something for myself, but don't know where to start. I blame the breakdown of our marraige solely on the booze. It has changed him and me and out relationship. I keep hanging in there, but I am in my fourties now and am getting very tired of it all. Any suggestions or help???
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Old 07-18-2003, 07:58 PM
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Hello

Oh yes! I have a suggestion for you sweetie. Get yourself into CODA so that you can work on your co dependency problem. DO NOT worry about HIS PROBLEM anymore not one second!

Take care of you !!!!!!! You are what is important. You have to learn that you are worth so much and you are worth to be loved and treated with respect and love. DO NOT wait until you old and life passes you by.

You DO NOT have to tolerate any abuse for another second!

To do something about this is very scary. Get support from your family and friends. Let them know what he is doing to you so it will be out in the open. Whoever is not going to be a support to you IGNOREA THEM.

This will be a long and scary journey for you and I promisse you that you are going to come out a hero in this.

You are enabling his dysfunction by allowing him to put you down. Take action! You will be amazed of the results.

God Bless ! Love and Hugs
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Old 07-18-2003, 08:37 PM
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Thank you for your kind words. I am going to join Alanon, but we don't have anything like CODA here as this is a small town. Have you gone through similar stuff? Right now hubby is passed out cold on the couch, just another day in the life. It is a very lonely life, but like you say I have to get on saving myself as I know my health is suffering, I feel as though I am changing and becoming more numb by the minute. But even though I know his blaming me for everything and why he drinks blah blah blah is not true and I am not responsible and tell myself that all the time, it is wearing me down. I thank you for responding and have definately reached the point of doing something for me.
Thanks.
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Old 07-18-2003, 10:33 PM
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missy101

Welcome, I believe Al-Anon may have the anwsers for you...I know it did for me....I really don't know where I'd be today if I hadn't found the beautiful people in my support group and the program that I believe saved my sanity and gave me the courage to find MY life again....

Living with the disease of alcoholism is a fatal disease not only for the drinker but for relionships, marrages, and can be fatal for those of us who live with it....

I hope you find the courage to go to the meetings where you can find help & fellowship.

Love and prayers from one who cares,
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Old 07-19-2003, 09:52 PM
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I am feeling as you are

Hi,
I just want you to know you are not alone. I too am going thru the same. Mine too is passed out cold. I dont feel responsible but I do feel guilty. I have a wonderful home, kids, job . Some people are much worse off. But being as you are in your 40s I am beginning to feel I need help and that I just cant do it alone anymore.
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Old 07-20-2003, 05:17 AM
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I have to second the motion that Prettywoman has made.

Start working on you!! You will come out the winner and find peace for yourself. It really does work! When we learn to stop en-abling their behavior things really start changing! You will find a new found strength and feel good about yourself......they see these changes.

Oh and we ALL know the BLAME game and make you feel GUILTY game. They are both very common, but become VERY BORING when you begin your recovery!

Peace,
Constant
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Old 07-20-2003, 09:31 AM
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Hi missy
just wanted to add to the support. alanon has saved many of
us from the continued fall into the pit of despair.I was there and even though some days can get ya down ,I have the help from my HP and friends here and in alanon. So nothing can keep us down for long , there is a way out !
I learn one day at a time to live and let live, that I can be as happy as i set my mind to be whether the alcoholic is drinking or not.
My daughter has put herself back in detox and I admire her determination. Last week I let my thoughts of a dismal future for her ruin my serenity. Thoughts get us into all kind of trouble, and most of those thoughts never happen anyway !
stick with alanon , after 14 mths I believe I'm on the road to recovery, the program realy does work if you work it.
many hugs
liddy
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Old 07-20-2003, 06:10 PM
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Hey Missy,

I'm sorry for the turmoil you are feeling right now. I can relate to your story of a 20 year marriage with an alcoholic. My AH and I have been married for 20 year also. We have three children, 17, 12,10.

Like you, I've been involved with Al-Anon, on and off, during the last 19 years. I reached out for help just one year after we were married. My husbands periods of sobriety lasted anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. I know that I would not have made it through the tough times, as I'm sure you've had, without my faith in God, and support from others. I educated myself on alcoholism, co-dependency, worked very hard to detach with love, discontinue enabling him, and supported him.

We separated six months ago. The consequences of a drinking binge forced me to make a change in my life. He is now in AA, has a sponser. I'm seeing a counselor and have Al-Anon support.

Please, Missy, focus on YOU and your recovery. Begin to do special things for yourself each day. I do understand the sick feelings and inability to sleep. I find that when I obsess on him, and his drinking and his problems, I'm stuck in a hole of despair.

You are NOT responsible for his drinking. You are only responsible for how you choose to react to it. After 20 years of dealing with this insane illness, I also found myself totally numb...void of all feelings for him. No love, no hate....just indifference. I cannot describe what that felt like. It was then that I needed to change my life.

Missy, I've taken baby steps for two decades. I have no regrets about that. I have truly supported him, stood by him, forgiven him, believed in him and trusted him over and over again. Overall, I followed the Al-Anon philosophy, and that helped me cope with the turmoil.

Please spend time with people you trust, get to those Al-Anon meetings, see a counselor if you think that would help you. It's helped me tremendously. There's a couple of books that I would recommend along with Melody Beatty's Co-Dependent No More.....*Setting Boundaries* and *Safe People* by Drs. Henry cloud and John Townsend. Both are excellent books for co-dependents.

Take care of yourself.....

S
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Old 07-20-2003, 07:18 PM
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healing process

It was a slow progression to get into the pit you're in. Comming back out of it will be a progression too.......

It feels like they are drinking for the purpose of making our lives miserable, but that's not what is going on.

It is self-destruction. He is not trying to make your life hell, in fact, you are probably only in his peripheral vision.

The reason it hurts us so badly, is that we are in a type of denial ourselves. We hang on to the notion that we are entitled to a loving, caring, available, sober husband. And, we get all in a fuss when the A doesn't live up to our dream.

The truth: he is what he is. He may never change. He may get worse. Getting angry about it won't change it.

Once you really, truly accept this fact, energy that you are putting into getting upset about how your life is, can be re-directed towards re-buidling your life. After all, if he had passed away, and left you as a widow, you wouldn't have crawled into the grave with him, would you?

The sky's the limit -- YOUR life can be anything you want it to be, once you stop concentrating on forcing the idea of a sober version of him being a part of your life.

Get with people that you can speak freely around, and relax. Join a women's group at a local church, take up a sport, take some creative classes in the evening... what are your interests?

As you spend more time around functioning, healthy people, you will start to feel more like yourself again.
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