First I definitely want to say that I am not waffling and have definitely no intention of ever going back with my husband after what he's done.
The problem right now is that I feel so sad inside. I think I've been so preoccupied with helping my children to deal with all of this, that I really haven't stopped to try to understand how it has all affected me.
Just a month ago, I loved this man with everything I had..."warts and all" as they say. I learned to "handle" the situation, although we had some very tough times due to the alcoholic in him and his other issues: control, lack of self confidence etc.
Don't get me wrong, I knew deep down months ago that with everything I was trying to handle, something was going to have to go from my life and it certainly had to be the root problem which always boiled down to him. I was not unlike most of us here in that I had more hope than most people and held onto that hope that someday, all of this pain and woe would be for a happy ending. Oh WELL.
Yet, I am so sad now. I feel this heaviness in my heart as if I am mourning. I feel like I have lost my best friend, confidant and lover. We had spent 13 years together, 12 married and done a LOT together. I don't miss the drinking, the drama, the money issues or the neglect of our relationship but on some level, we had a connection. I think my anger towards him is a lot about how in his weakenesses, he allowed our whole world to come tumbling down and split us apart forever.
I know I will go on and live my life but it is very sad that all of the time, love and energy that went into this was for naught. All of my good memories of him are slowly being replaced by anger, resentment and damn near hate because of what he did. I have already forgiven him but I can never start over with a man who could be so careless with the one's he is supposed to love.
My daughter is doing so great. She started the fashion show series today and OMG she was amazing! She is definitely a chip off the old block...MY block.
She is going on with her life and if and when she's ready for counseling or not, she said she has no intention of allowing this "bump in her road" as she calls it, alter her life.
Our motto..."Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"