LongStrangeTrip

First I definitely want to say that I am not waffling and have definitely no intention of ever going back with my husband after what he's done.

The problem right now is that I feel so sad inside. I think I've been so preoccupied with helping my children to deal with all of this, that I really haven't stopped to try to understand how it has all affected me.

Just a month ago, I loved this man with everything I had..."warts and all" as they say. I learned to "handle" the situation, although we had some very tough times due to the alcoholic in him and his other issues: control, lack of self confidence etc.
Don't get me wrong, I knew deep down months ago that with everything I was trying to handle, something was going to have to go from my life and it certainly had to be the root problem which always boiled down to him. I was not unlike most of us here in that I had more hope than most people and held onto that hope that someday, all of this pain and woe would be for a happy ending. Oh WELL.

Yet, I am so sad now. I feel this heaviness in my heart as if I am mourning. I feel like I have lost my best friend, confidant and lover. We had spent 13 years together, 12 married and done a LOT together. I don't miss the drinking, the drama, the money issues or the neglect of our relationship but on some level, we had a connection. I think my anger towards him is a lot about how in his weakenesses, he allowed our whole world to come tumbling down and split us apart forever.

I know I will go on and live my life but it is very sad that all of the time, love and energy that went into this was for naught. All of my good memories of him are slowly being replaced by anger, resentment and damn near hate because of what he did. I have already forgiven him but I can never start over with a man who could be so careless with the one's he is supposed to love.

My daughter is doing so great. She started the fashion show series today and OMG she was amazing! She is definitely a chip off the old block...MY block. She is going on with her life and if and when she's ready for counseling or not, she said she has no intention of allowing this "bump in her road" as she calls it, alter her life.

Our motto..."Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!"

mazey

Oh, how I understand and know many of us do. It will get easier...it is mourning a loss. A loss of him, the memories, the hopes & dreams(fantasy perhaps, but there none the less), the good we did have w/ them. I knew it was coming for us...then the final "blow", and that was IT! Each day will get a little better. I lost my Son a couple years ago, nothing is that painful, so I know I'll survive, but another loss in my life. You will start to get your "footing" and start to heal. You have already begun.

LongStrangeTrip

I woke up this morning with some sort of epiphany. I know what is bothering me so much.

I'm angry that now, he will be doing all of the things he should have been doing for a long time but that we won't be together to enjoy it.
What a putz.

sadface

Don't look at it that way. I know it is hard, but think of all the things you will be doing with/without someone. When I seperated from my AH, I would also think of all the good times we had. Until recently, I am being reminded of the chaotic life I had with him. I am so glad I no longer live him, and he has someone else to take care of him. Now my future consists of continuing my education, working on my house & yard, taking trips, and helping my children. Now I have male/female friends, and relatives that I do things with. I have tranquility. Take your life back and start doing the things you enjoy. In time you will be so busy, you will forget the chaotic life you had with him. Remember when an alcoholic decides to quit, he has a long road ahead of him. Until then, he is still the same person we left.

Kellye C

I'd say what you're feeling is entirely normal. It is a grief process and there are something like 7 stages to it. Just hang in there, focus on the good in your life and your kids life and know that at some point it will get easier. If you journal, this would be a great thing to get out on paper where you can watch yourself grow through it. Of course keep posting here too!

Hugs,
Kellye

LongStrangeTrip

7 stages? Yikes...

Tonight, I'm really sad. My son appears appears to be showing the first signs of how this is really affecting him. My soon to be ex has been overcompensating a wee bit too much and it's starting to really irritate me.
We cannot speak until court Wednesday...or after court but I intend to let him know that he needs to stop showering this poor kid with all of these gifts and attention all of the sudden.
Don't get me wrong, they've always been close but it was always on my ex's terms. All of the sudden, he's sober and has no one else to really spend time with so he's showering all of this onto our son.

I noticed tonight when my son came home, he was extremely agitated and grouchy. I hope I'm wrong but I got a vibe of resentment from him for taking away his father.

This rollercoaster really is no where near the end of the ride.

LaTeeDa

When I kicked my husband out of the house, my children were very angry--at me. They didn't know that this was not a normal life, that their father was sick, that it was making us all insane. The life we had was the only one they had ever known--and I wrecked it. This was their view. And that is where counseling has made all the difference. They now know that life isn't supposed to be like that. That peace and calm and routine are normal. Not chaos and fighting and unpredicability. I could not have possibly shown them that while I was still so messed up, myself.

L