Keeping quiet in your al-anon way? I'm not sure what you mean by that. I found my voice in al-anon. The voice inside me that told me that I should be treated like a partner, not some kind of slave. That voice that said "No". That voice that said "I deserve a better life than this."
Yes, I went through this as well. And yes, I went through the motions at first. Until I realised that doing so made me feel like $hit and made him think that everything was OK. Also, I taught him that if he badgered enough, sometimes I would cave in, so he had incentive to whine on every time. My response became "I'm not interested. Sort yourself out".
Karen, what are you getting out of this relationship?