is this inappropriate??

Old 08-15-2006, 07:07 AM
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Cool is this inappropriate??

If this is inappropriate let me know and I will close it out..

My AH is intoxicated 6 out of 7 days a week. I guess he feels so rotten on the 7th day that he takes a rest none the less starts up again.

Anyhow, He comes home smelling like "bar" waking me up by pounding on door to let him in and does his dance of screaming at me and accusing me of doing thing that are unheard of...

So now I'm way more awake than I want to be and angry as H---! I keep quiet in my al-anon way and typically blow it off.
However, in the morning his third leg is sticking straight up and proceeds in wanting sex. I have been rolling him off and saying "now way" as long as you smell of a bottle of vodka. Well then the accusations start again.
Sometimes I give in to shut him up and I feel like running into the shower like a dirty pig. This is my husband. I do love him but don't "want him".
any of you have this experience and can I have you knowledge, strength and experience? I feel uncomfortable to bring this up at an Al-anon meeting. Not sure it would be appropriate but it bothers the crap out of me.
Havent told my sponsor either and is this something I should talk to her about?
Thanks and Not even sure if it is appropriate here... just taking a chance.
Karen xo
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Old 08-15-2006, 07:30 AM
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Sorry this may be long......
I have a boundary with my husband that I won't have sex with him if he is drunk, in fact my boundary is that I won't have sex with him if I don't want to (which includes when he is drunk for the most part, because I don’t enjoy it and he doesn’t remember it – no point in my book). I have in the past had sex just to shut him up and get him to sleep, but I always felt awful afterwards and it fuelled my self hatred and anger towards him.

This has come about and been respected because of a period of change with the way I view my sexuality and communicating with my husband.

I have been slowly realising for a long time that I have spent much of my life having sex because I thought I should, or because someone else thought I should, and basically getting not a lot out of it. I have accepted that I have a lower sex drive than my husband, this does not make me wrong, defective or abnormal, its just the way it is. I have accepted therefore that in the relationship with my H there are times when I am not particularly "up for it" (LOL) and my first reaction would be "no" that if I slow myself down for a bit and think about it I might feel - "okay, lets try" and I often enjoy it then. But this comes with the absolute that I have to have a "NO" absolutely respected.

no wheedling, no shouting or name-calling or sulking or cuddling with straying hands or waiting til I'm asleep and having a go anyway.......any more of that and I was leaving the bed, the house or the marriage and calling the police dependent on which one it was.

I had to talk to my H when he was sober about this in a very calm, non-accusatory manner and explain that I felt I had NO RESPONSIBILTY to do anything about him feeling horny, he is perfectly able to sort himself out there, if I am not up for it. If he wants intimacy and a close connection, there are a ton of other things that we can do to be close that are not sexual if one of us is not in the mood and that the only reason we should have sex is if BOTH of us want to. We also spoke about how we would not judge any requests or suggestions, they would simply be the same as if we asked the other one if we fancied peas with dinner tonight, the other one said yes or no - no judgement.

I was really apprehensive about this boundary (although I didn’t know what it was called when I did this), but it has stuck for a good year now, and our sex life is active and good for both parties, we are more open and honest and he doesn’t give me any hassle about it, which I have found REALLY surprising. He still drinks a lot, I still have a lot of issues with other things, but I have been lucky with this one, and my H’s reaction to my change.
The biggest change though started when I became absolutely certain that there was nothing wrong with me and that I had no responsibility to his libido.
HTH
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Old 08-15-2006, 07:33 AM
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good adivce Ceridwen.
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Old 08-15-2006, 07:36 AM
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Keeping quiet in your al-anon way? I'm not sure what you mean by that. I found my voice in al-anon. The voice inside me that told me that I should be treated like a partner, not some kind of slave. That voice that said "No". That voice that said "I deserve a better life than this."

Yes, I went through this as well. And yes, I went through the motions at first. Until I realised that doing so made me feel like $hit and made him think that everything was OK. Also, I taught him that if he badgered enough, sometimes I would cave in, so he had incentive to whine on every time. My response became "I'm not interested. Sort yourself out".

Karen, what are you getting out of this relationship?
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Old 08-15-2006, 07:39 AM
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Oh, and fantastic advice from Ceri - great example of a boundary.
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Old 08-15-2006, 07:46 AM
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I wonder what it feels like to be intimate with anyone who is NOT drunk. When I married my husband I was 21 and he was the only man I have been with and he is almost always drinking and stinks of alcohol and it is almost like a chore to me. He does what he has to do and then smokes his cigarette and goes to bed. There is none of that stuff you see in the movies. Just ya know. Sorry I have no advice. I think I know what you are talking about. If not you can tell me to shut-up
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Old 08-15-2006, 07:54 AM
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had to talk to my H when he was sober about this in a very calm,My H is never calm and when I suggest anything other than what he wants, he wants to know if I dont have sex with him, where do I get it???
Then he goes on and on and on for sometimes over an hour thinking of men I've been with (absolute lie)
I will try some of the boundaries and see what happens , hmmmm
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Old 08-15-2006, 07:58 AM
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I don't know how old Karen and Life are (or their husbands) but stick around long enough and you won't have to worry about that any more if the drinking continues.

At least that was my (lucky?) case.

My personal opinion is I prefer sex with someone who is fully present. And I'm going to stop this now, because I'm cracking myself up trying to type and retype everything that sounds like a double entendre.

p.s. I agree with Minnie - Al-Anon helped me refind my voice.
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Old 08-15-2006, 08:06 AM
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Originally Posted by minnie
Keeping quiet in your al-anon way?

Karen, what are you getting out of this relationship?
I mean not to be comfronting because then I would have to take the consequences. No matte what I say or do becomes twisted in his mind and I just suffer undue consequences so I stay silent for the most part.

Great question,,,, What I'm getting out of this relationship?

not sure anything. I can start from scratch. I goess it is my "codie" on what my AH would do if I really did leave. I know I'm not responsible. I worry what he may do to someone else after hurting himself along the way.
He owns guns, his bro was a cop who got killed years ago and has friends who are as bad as he is.
... the police cant do much unless there is a tragedy out there or I can call them when he is driving away intoxicated. But then they have to find him. Remember, these guys can sell refrigerators to eskimos.
OMG... when we write stuff down we actually start seeing past our walls we've built. Stuff becomes more effident to the point I'm starting to question myself. hmmm Not sure if i'm making any sense here.
karen xo
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Old 08-15-2006, 08:11 AM
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Karen, I have been there too.

#1, You do not need a "reason" to not have sex.
If you dont want to, you dont want to. Period. Case closes. He can take a cold shower if he likes, not your problem!

#2)Of course you dont want to ,you are not alone in that thought process.

#3) Part of my boundries were that I would not engage in anything other than small talk if he was drinking. That led my relationship to the end (good thing) because he was drinking all the time, unless asleep. So who wants a partner you cant sleep with or talk to?
Boundries helped show me what was really transpiring in my relationship, becuase I stopped seeing through rose colored glasses, so to speak. What I thought I had, was an illusion.
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Old 08-15-2006, 08:12 AM
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Oh, PS..just like your sig line says, you are alsoinot powerful enough to make him go crazy or hurt himself or anyone else. That would belong to him just like the drinking...

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Old 08-15-2006, 08:18 AM
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Originally Posted by denny57
I don't know how old Karen and Life are (or their husbands) but stick around long enough and you won't have to worry about that any more if the drinking continues.
Right you are,Denny.or at least that is what happened in our case. Should the mood occur at the same time he was still "awake" then usually there was an "equipment failure " or at least it wasn't working well........ The few times it do go OK, I often felt very,very sad afterwards. Just my experience.

AH and I did have those personal boundaries until the alcoholism became overwhelming,then it was a nuissance and then nothing.
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Old 08-15-2006, 08:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Pick-a-name
AH and I did have those personal boundaries until the alcoholism became overwhelming,then it was a nuissance and then nothing.
Pretty much... thanks
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Old 08-15-2006, 08:40 AM
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Trust how You "Feel"

I agree withyour feelings and all the above posts...

One thing is

Why would ANYONE want to have sex with someone who had just been yelling at them and calling them names ?? Whether he remembered or not ???

I actually have been single for quite awhile now since I realized that I have always had sex "for someone else" never for me, had memories come up of date rape that I rationalized away and another rape that I have completely repressed...
Because of those "old" beliefs about myself and my worth...
I need to NOT be in a sexual relationship as I work all this out and establish "who I am" in this area (for me)...I sure wish it would hurry up tho...I'm not getting any younger (ha ha)

You GO GIRL !!! Trust yourself - Don't Ever do anything that doesn't feel RIGHT for you..Especially sex - which is meant to be a special loving shared experience !!!!

Janni
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Old 08-15-2006, 10:36 AM
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"Equipment failure" is what behaviorists call a natural consequence. It doesn't keep them from still wanting to make the effort and then there's always viagra... I found I enjoyed higher quality sleep, on the couch, away from the snoring and stink. I've always been happy to return to the bed for booty calls under the right conditions. I did end up asking him not to drink many nights when I wanted sex in the following morning. It wasn't so much a matter of my trying to control his drinking as much as my trying to control the quality of my sex life.
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Old 08-15-2006, 06:25 PM
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(((KarenM)))-- I haven't read all the responses so forgive me if I'm probably repeating things. I've been through it all too. You are not "wrong" for not wanting sex and I know exactly how you feel b/c during the last few months of our relationship, my Xhusband's touch really repulsed me. There's a Simpson episode where Marge says to Homer, "your hands, they feel like salad tongs." I used to hear her voice in my head when he'd reach for me!! I don't think you should "cave in" b/c of some sense of guilt or false obligation. You are not obligated. It is your body. I just told my XAH "no" and did not really care one bit what he thought about it. I sort of disengaged. At one point he asked me why I was no longer sexually interested and I simply replied, "I can't do it without SOME sort of emotional connection." That was my truth and I let him have it. He said nothing.
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Old 08-15-2006, 08:24 PM
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Karen,
This is so not inappropriate....it's part of life and relationships. I don't know if I can be much help to you because I didn't know my bf was high or that he had an addiction.
I DO know that (looking back) there were many times when we clashed on the sex issue. He seemed to want to always (even when we were in the middle of an argument that hadn't been resolved) and made me feel that I was responsible for taking care of his "needs" I gave in so many times (lay back and think of england, so they say) and felt worse for it.
He is now sober, but as part of my recovery, I have set a boundary that I will not be intimate with him until I see some positive actions on his part.

I no longer feel I'm responsible for his sexual needs. I used to think that if I didn't give in to him and fulfill his needs that he would seek elsewhere. That was just my codie thinking.......because if that's what did happen then he didn't deserve to be with me anyway.
I'm not saying you should become abstinent...........I'm saying take care of yourself and worry about YOUR needs. If you don't feel like it or it makes you feel like taking a shower, RESPECT yourself. If he's sober and loving and you need/want that then make your decision at the time. You are a GOOD, LOVING person and being intimate with someone should make you feel that way!
Take care and everything else will follow.
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Old 08-16-2006, 01:32 AM
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Karen, I have been thinking about this thread since I last posted and wanted to share something with you. This is the thread containing my very first post on SR http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-confused.html
As you will see, my ex went as far as trying to get backing from strangers on a message board in order to bolster his case that I should be having sex with him. If he was prepared to go to those lengths, you can perhaps imagine the pressure I was under at home.

What I learned through this experience is that when I feel in my bones that something is wrong, then I have to listen very carefully. Sex is a wonderful expression of love and intimacy, passion and connectedness. However, it can also be used as a form of control, power and manipulation. It is in my control which of those experiences I allow myself to be exposed to, and go along with. Again, it's all about boundaries. Physical as well as emotional.
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Old 08-16-2006, 06:13 AM
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I love these posts. I dont feel so alone/lonely as I did before.
I have been doing my best not to sleep with my AH when he smell and isnt sober which is mostly every night. Last night I went to couch to get away from that and his mouth just to have him follow me there. I then went to my car to sleep. Really sad when that is your comfort zone.
He TOTALLY accuses me of being with someone else. Every morning he does his best to watch me get ready for work and makes comments about that too. Like, why am I wearing my hair a certain way..., why I choose a top or pants to wear, why do I wear lotion that smells like that?
I am to my surprise detatching emotionally which is a good thing.
He invited his parents over tonight for supper (they know about him) and wants my bro and his wife over too. He puts on the perfect dance and wants everyone to see that. Then when they are all gone.... the walls come tumbling down. Damn he is good.
It is sooooo good to hear this is the Alcohol norm.

I'm gonna read from your post Minnie as soon as my boss leaves the room. I want to be one of the success stories on this forum. I love to read all the good news on how you guys take care of yourselves and are happy now. That is my encouragement. I just have to make my own decissions. I have a great sponsor and will share more with her too with advice from here.
karen xo
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Old 08-16-2006, 06:30 AM
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Originally Posted by KarenM
He invited his parents over tonight for supper (they know about him) and wants my bro and his wife over too. He puts on the perfect dance and wants everyone to see that. Then when they are all gone.... the walls come tumbling down. Damn he is good.
It is sooooo good to hear this is the Alcohol norm.

Don't you just hate that?!!! My does that with his relatives and even more with his co-workers,etc.
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