Sorry this may be long......
I have a boundary with my husband that I won't have sex with him if he is drunk, in fact my boundary is that I won't have sex with him if I don't want to (which includes when he is drunk for the most part, because I don’t enjoy it and he doesn’t remember it – no point in my book). I have in the past had sex just to shut him up and get him to sleep, but I always felt awful afterwards and it fuelled my self hatred and anger towards him.
This has come about and been respected because of a period of change with the way I view my sexuality and communicating with my husband.
I have been slowly realising for a long time that I have spent much of my life having sex because I thought I should, or because someone else thought I should, and basically getting not a lot out of it. I have accepted that I have a lower sex drive than my husband, this does not make me wrong, defective or abnormal, its just the way it is. I have accepted therefore that in the relationship with my H there are times when I am not particularly "up for it" (LOL) and my first reaction would be "no" that if I slow myself down for a bit and think about it I might feel - "okay, lets try" and I often enjoy it then. But this comes with the absolute that I have to have a "NO" absolutely respected.
no wheedling, no shouting or name-calling or sulking or cuddling with straying hands or waiting til I'm asleep and having a go anyway.......any more of that and I was leaving the bed, the house or the marriage and calling the police dependent on which one it was.
I had to talk to my H when he was sober about this in a very calm, non-accusatory manner and explain that I felt I had NO RESPONSIBILTY to do anything about him feeling horny, he is perfectly able to sort himself out there, if I am not up for it. If he wants intimacy and a close connection, there are a ton of other things that we can do to be close that are not sexual if one of us is not in the mood and that the only reason we should have sex is if BOTH of us want to. We also spoke about how we would not judge any requests or suggestions, they would simply be the same as if we asked the other one if we fancied peas with dinner tonight, the other one said yes or no - no judgement.
I was really apprehensive about this boundary (although I didn’t know what it was called when I did this), but it has stuck for a good year now, and our sex life is active and good for both parties, we are more open and honest and he doesn’t give me any hassle about it, which I have found REALLY surprising. He still drinks a lot, I still have a lot of issues with other things, but I have been lucky with this one, and my H’s reaction to my change.
The biggest change though started when I became absolutely certain that there was nothing wrong with me and that I had no responsibility to his libido.
HTH