Hey there Ayers,
There's three parts to any kind of recovery. Awareness, Acceptance and Action.
Awareness includes your first point of recognizing that there is a problem. When living with an addict / alkie we have to become aware that the problem involves _all_ the members of a family. The addict who behaves irresponsibly as well as the family members who allow it.
Acceptance includes your second point, which in the "-anon" programs is called the "Three C's". That is only acceptance of the first half of wareness. Acceptance of the second half of Awareness doesn't use those "Three C's" as it means acceptance of _our_ contribution to enabling the addict.
Your points three and four can be found in many of the myriad books on recovery. You've mentioned in other posts some books that you have found userful.
After all of the above comes the Action part. Awareness and acceptance do not create change or growth. Only by taking specific action will conditions in life improve.
Since the "Three C's" clearly show that we cannot change another person, we must then focus on changing _us_. I happen to follow the al-anon principles in helping me change _my_ behavior so that I no longer enable others, or find myself in a dysfunctional relationship. Those principles can easily be modified to fit anybody's personal needs, and in various forms can be found in a wide variety of non-12 step programs. The actions that have done me the most good have been working thru a "inventory" and participating in 12 step work. I also attended a bit of therapy to help me unravel some related issues.
Mike
