Starting "our own" recovery paths...

Old 08-14-2006, 11:31 AM
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Starting "our own" recovery paths...

What are some suggestions for those of us who are needing a beginning point in our own recoveries.

These are a few basics that I am working on... (lord help me...) It's certainly not easy learning to be strong enough not to enable... or codependent. But what are some others ideas of starting that path??

1) recognize their is a problem?
2) recognize that we can't cure, cause or control it?
3) figure out how to not be an 'enabler'?
4 Learn how to not be 'codependent'?
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Old 08-14-2006, 02:10 PM
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Ayers -

didn't want this to get lost...

I think a big part of recovery is putting ourselves first...It's not selfish..

It's SELF-FULL..

figuring out what you want out of life, what makes you happy...
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Old 08-14-2006, 02:30 PM
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Ayers, I've been thinking about your post and each time I read it my reaction is that your 4 points still seemed focused on the A. It's good to see and recognize all those things, but my recovery started with the next step: putting the focus on me. I don't make decisons or conduct my life any longer in reaction to the addiction of someone else. I hope this makes some sense.

It isn't easy, and I found help through the 12 steps and individual therapy. Working the 12-steps and attending meetings helped me greatly because I was able to connect with lots of healthy people who are of enormous benefit. An interesting thing, though, is at first I chose less healthy people. As I really worked it, I could see clearly what I had done.

I was with AH for 18 years, so it's taken a long time for me to not process everything through the A filter.

In other words and to sum up, my true recovery came when I looked at myself.
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Old 08-14-2006, 02:44 PM
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Hey there Ayers,

There's three parts to any kind of recovery. Awareness, Acceptance and Action.

Awareness includes your first point of recognizing that there is a problem. When living with an addict / alkie we have to become aware that the problem involves _all_ the members of a family. The addict who behaves irresponsibly as well as the family members who allow it.

Acceptance includes your second point, which in the "-anon" programs is called the "Three C's". That is only acceptance of the first half of wareness. Acceptance of the second half of Awareness doesn't use those "Three C's" as it means acceptance of _our_ contribution to enabling the addict.

Your points three and four can be found in many of the myriad books on recovery. You've mentioned in other posts some books that you have found userful.

After all of the above comes the Action part. Awareness and acceptance do not create change or growth. Only by taking specific action will conditions in life improve.

Since the "Three C's" clearly show that we cannot change another person, we must then focus on changing _us_. I happen to follow the al-anon principles in helping me change _my_ behavior so that I no longer enable others, or find myself in a dysfunctional relationship. Those principles can easily be modified to fit anybody's personal needs, and in various forms can be found in a wide variety of non-12 step programs. The actions that have done me the most good have been working thru a "inventory" and participating in 12 step work. I also attended a bit of therapy to help me unravel some related issues.

Mike
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Old 08-14-2006, 02:57 PM
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That's a great starting place. That's the sort of thing I'm looking for. I'm weird... I guess... I need a line from a to z and that isn't always possible. I guess it just seems less overwhelming at times when you have that line...

I think that's how I get stuck. I look at everything it's going to take to get out... Packing up, seperating our things, putting it in storage, moving to moms, getting child support going, finding a place, getting moved... AHAHAHHA.......... (

It's the little steps Dawn... just keep telling yourself that....)
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Old 08-14-2006, 03:12 PM
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Your right on there...

Just dont look at the whole picture now. You have already done that .... just take the first baby step... then the next.

All you have to do is today, once you get the first thing completed.... think of just the next step.

One day at a time.
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Old 08-15-2006, 12:34 PM
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Ayers, I'm going to bump this one back up. Sorry it's taken so long to put fingers to keyboard, but you have asked such a massive question.

Thinking back to when I was in your position, the first thing I did was read everything on SR. And I think I mean that literally. I spent hours reading posts going back years because I wanted to learn how other people tackled my situation.

Then I took the advice of the wise ones and got a copy of Co-Dependent No More. Then Langauge of Letting Go. They both blew my mind. I still really like LoLG, because it's a daily reader and helps to break stuff down into bits I can deal with.

Then I started posting. As you can see, I still do that quite a lot! Writing helps me to get some clarity in my thoughts and I have lost count of the amount of times I have written a response to someone else and realised I really needed to take my own advice. I also PMd people and got to know posters who were in my situation or those that had what I wanted. And I am so glad I did as many of these are among my most cherished friends and my life would be infinitely poorer without them.

I started counselling and al-anon at about the same time. It's hard for me to distinguish which helped the most, because I was being exposed to very similar messages from each. My counsellor, though, was amazing and I really cherish how much (extra) time he gave me to ask me the questions I needed to answer for myself.

I read everything I could get my hands on. Any topic that I came across (detachment, enabling, boundaries, emotional abuse etc) I googled and read as much as I could. There is tons of info out there.

I kept up with my meetings, shared at every one, did the main share whenever I was asked and still do.

In short, I worked at my recovery. I didn't want to stay in my mindset any longer. And that is the key, imho. Recovery takes effort.
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Old 08-15-2006, 01:30 PM
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I do the same thing. I read everything I can get my hands on... however - I tend to read what is online and not go out and purchase anything. I don't know why. I know AH will have fit too... but I do find getting information sort of empowering if that makes any sense.

I am learning that even though I think I am focusing on ME - I'm NOT. IT's still about HIM. I have to get past that.
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