I don't obsess about her at all. Just the entire affair. I don't think she is more beautiful, fun or anything at all. I was thinking earlier and I came to this thought --- I think about the affair alot when things are going good. Like as soon as the pain and the affair should be out of my head the most, it comes on the strongest. It is like I get scared of forgetting about it. If I let go of the pain and forget about then I have accepted the fact that it happened and I have to let it go. Why do I not want to let it go? I mean I do want to, but something is stopping me from letting it go.
I guess it is kinda like if you lose something, I don't know if this is a good example. But if you lose something that you cherish deeply like an heirloom from your family. If you stop thinking about it and stop looking for it, that means it is gone and you know you will never get it back. But if you hold onto the pain of the loss and keep looking for it there is always that chance that you may find it again.
What am I looking for? Am I looking to find my pride and my self-esteem that I lost because of this affair? Do I think that if I hold onto this pain long enough then I will find my pride. Do I think that if I let go of the pain then I have accepted the fact that he cheated and it was okay? Maybe I just don't want to accept it, but I have to to move on, right? This is where I am confused. I try to sit back and feel and know what is around me so as to not be confused but I don't know why I feel this way. I want so badly to let go of this pain I have inside but something won't let me. What do you guys think???????? Thanks alot!!!!!! LoLobug