I can't stop thinking about it.....ADVICE PLEASE

Old 07-08-2003, 07:42 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
lolobug3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
Unhappy I can't stop thinking about it.....ADVICE PLEASE

My husband is currently dry and has been for a short while. He has no program of recovery but everything is going okay. He had an affair on me which lasted 3 months and ended last February. We have been together since I was 16 (I am now 35) and we have a 16 year old daughter. He has drank our entire relationship but the last 6 years have been the worst.

I see him trying. He is being nice and just kinda normal. I just can't get the affair out of my head. He talked about it with me alot. I know more than I care to know about it. I know who the girl is. She is a barfly. I know where she lives - in a total dump. I hold him responsible however I know that the cheating has almost everything to do with the drinking and the disease. Problem is for the last couple of days I cannot stop thinking about the affair. Them together, etc., etc. It is driving me crazy. I don't even want to get up in the morning because I know these thoughts are going to be in my head. Does anyone have any suggestions for me on how I can stop this thinking. I can't talk to him about it because I have talked his ears off about it and now he gets uptight when I bring it up. There really isn't much else to talk about. You would think that since he has been being nice, etc., that I would't be thinking about this. Help please.........Thanks Lolobug
lolobug3 is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 08:17 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Paused
 
liddy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
Hi Lolobug
I cant offer much in the way of advice on the cheating husband
but I can tell you what has helped me to deal with obsessive
thinking, those thoughts that are destructive to our own serenity.
I take small steps, a few moments at a time, I pray to my HP and I let go of them, I may have to do this many times as the thoughts
begin to be intrusive once again.

Letting go and letting God has helped me so much with resentment issues or the panicky times that I didnt think my daughter would live to see another day.

Eventualy the thoughts flee because we give them no room to
invade !
I wish you well
Hugs
liddy
liddy is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 08:58 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
lolobug3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
Angry

Thanks - I guess it is obsessive thinking. But I also keep thinking how can I stay with this man who has done this to me. I am sooooooo hurt inside and feel so betrayed and lonely. I am torn between leaving and wanting to stay and work things out so badly. I feel scared around him because I have been hurt so much by him. I know one day at a time but the thoughts have just been overwhelming the last couple of days. Guess I have fallen into a rut and need to dig myself up and out. I am just still so angry that I have been cheated on. And then, like I said, I think of them together. I feel like if I stop thinking about it then that means that it doesn't matter - that it was okay for that to happen. Is there any way to know that it did matter and it wasn't right but yet leave it alone????? Thanks alot Lolobug
lolobug3 is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 09:52 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Paused
 
EyesOpen's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
listen & trust yourself!

The reason we get upset with them paying attention to other women is because we are not happy with how much attention we're getting.

You say "he's trying". Well, sounds like he's really not giving you what you want and need. He may be trying, but not succeeding. You need to be clear, and honest about what is lacking in the relationship. Hopefully, he will respond to your request, and not get defensive and make you feel guilty for asking.

It's kind of like being in a restaurant. We never obsess about what the person next to us is eating, just enjoy our own meals. Unless, of course, you sit for 4 hours waiting to be served. In that case, most of us start watching what others are ordering and eating.

You obsess about her because the alcoholic is not meeting your needs.
EyesOpen is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 10:06 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
lolobug3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
I don't obsess about her at all. Just the entire affair. I don't think she is more beautiful, fun or anything at all. I was thinking earlier and I came to this thought --- I think about the affair alot when things are going good. Like as soon as the pain and the affair should be out of my head the most, it comes on the strongest. It is like I get scared of forgetting about it. If I let go of the pain and forget about then I have accepted the fact that it happened and I have to let it go. Why do I not want to let it go? I mean I do want to, but something is stopping me from letting it go.

I guess it is kinda like if you lose something, I don't know if this is a good example. But if you lose something that you cherish deeply like an heirloom from your family. If you stop thinking about it and stop looking for it, that means it is gone and you know you will never get it back. But if you hold onto the pain of the loss and keep looking for it there is always that chance that you may find it again.

What am I looking for? Am I looking to find my pride and my self-esteem that I lost because of this affair? Do I think that if I hold onto this pain long enough then I will find my pride. Do I think that if I let go of the pain then I have accepted the fact that he cheated and it was okay? Maybe I just don't want to accept it, but I have to to move on, right? This is where I am confused. I try to sit back and feel and know what is around me so as to not be confused but I don't know why I feel this way. I want so badly to let go of this pain I have inside but something won't let me. What do you guys think???????? Thanks alot!!!!!! LoLobug
lolobug3 is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 11:31 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Ann
Nature Girl
 
Ann's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Lolobug

It was a terrible stupid thing he did, but the deed is over. If he is sincerely sorry and is trying to mend his ways, then his side of the street is now clean.

What that leaves is you and the hurt that won't stop. Obsessing is making you sick, and I think you realize that. You can't change it and all the "Why's" and "What If's" in the world won't make it better.

I believe that the antidote to resentments is forgiveness. It doesn't mean you have to stay with this man if you are not happy, nor that you can't move on with your own life. It means that you turn it over to God and let the poison out of your heart.
Then, when the thoughts come, have a plan. Repeat the serenity prayer, pick up a good book, take a walk, let the thought cue you to do something positive for yourself.

If none of that works for you, maybe get some counselling for yourself. I'm not including him in this suggestion, although joint counselling might also be good, but counselling just for you may help you work through it. That said, I'd still put my money on forgiveness.
Ann is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 11:51 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Paused
 
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Cincinnati Ohio
Posts: 94
(((Lolobug))). Thanks for sharing. Yes, I can uncerstand those whirling, obsessive thoughts. Maybe you can just go with them - feel them - let them swirl and swirl until you are completely exhausted - BUT - keep saying the Serenity Prayer or something that means something to you over and over and over. Write it down hundreds of times, over and over. You will finally start feeling weary of doing it all and move toward something that feels better for you.

There are some great suggestions up at the top of our "threads" here. I heard a guy say to imagine the absolute vERY WORST scenario. Looks like he wants to be with you, not her! Looks like he is getting something from the relationship. The main point again, is this GOOD for you? Can you imagine being without him? Can you imagine meeting someone who you can trust?

Are you finding ways to love yourself? What do you say to yourself each day that makes you feel good about yourself?
Try saying, "I'm special, wonderful and good". "I'm beautiful". I'm a great mother and a good friend. I am a good wife. Keep thinking of all the great things about YOU! You are special! Keep coming back, it works! (((HUGS, again))). BTW, some people put a rubber band on their wrist and "pop" it when the obsessive thoughts come up.
still learning is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 11:57 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
jojo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 407
Lolobug -

Your husband did an incredibly stupid thing but he ended the affair and stayed with you. That must be where he feels that he belongs. I know that alcoholics feel an enormous sense of guilt for the addiction and resulting behaviors and the guilt for this must be even worse. Maybe he can't forgive himself until you are able to. So much for him - now on to you. Obsessing about this affair is only going to drive you crazy. Somebody on this site mentioned a symbolic way of "letting go" with writing what you want to let go of on helium balloons and letting them go. What a wonderful idea - to actually be able to see whatever it is taking flight right before your eyes!!!! Maybe something like this would give you a way to start the healing process for yourself - whenever you think of it, you can visualize the thoughts and fears taking off and flying right out of sight.

My husband is an A and we have discussed the idea of the balloons for him and for me. Just the thought of it seems to take some of the weight off of my shoulders. I also agree that counselling for you would also be very helpful. If your husband will also go it would be even better but maybe just seeing that you are going would lead to him wanting to join you. Just a thought.

Take care of yourself first, maybe try Alanon meetings and visit here often because you will find alot of support on this site. We are all involved with addicts and live with the consequences of their actions even if our situations aren't exactly the same as yours. We are here for you.

Hugs,

Jo
jojo is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 11:58 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Troy, MI
Posts: 29
Lolobug,

I have walked in your shoes and I feel for you. My husband cheated on me 15 years ago and it's still as hurtful today as it was then. I think the reason I'm still so hurt by his actions is that I committed to this man 100%, stood by his side no matter how bad things got and he gave his love to someone other than me. His choice was a barfly with a heroin addiction. That didn't do much for my self esteem. I felt that if this type of man couldn't love me, who would? That's a truly painful experience. I don't obsess about it, I certainly don't think about it every day but whenever I question our relationship and my A's ability to love me, I always go there. My advice to you would be to seek counseling. You may never forget what he did to you, but you might learn to forgive him.
marriedtoit is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 12:00 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
myles1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Lolobug you are a bigger woman then I, I would have canned him in 2 seconds.

What you went through is veryhurtful to you. Maybe you need to talk to someone to get your head together. Everything that you are feeling about the affair and him seem to be pretty legit to me. Don't beat yourself up.

Ngaire
myles1 is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 12:13 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Queen of one liners
 
Daffodil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Lolobug,

Hi, Just something you can think about....Do you realize that it was his behavior Not yours....therefore as I see it, this should not have a thing to do with your pride and self-esteem....His affair says nothing about you what so ever.

Al-Anon's 3 C's says it all.....

You didn't cause the affair
You couldn't control the affair
You could't cure the afair...

I agree with Anns forgiveness must come first before the forgetting comes....

That's just my option and I am stickin' to it....I do hope that you keep looking to find the soluation for you....
Daffodil is offline  
Old 07-08-2003, 12:41 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
lolobug3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
Smile

All of you have made me feel so much better inside. Thanks for the hugs and advice and everything. You are all so so right. He has been an open book lately. Letting me know everything about where he is and what he is doing. He doesn't really do too much right now because he says he wants to gain my trust back. He did end the affair hisself because the barfly girl did call me and say that he broke her heart because he wanted to come back to me. He said that he stayed around her for so long because she said she would do that if he broke things off with her and she did. That is how I found out about it.

Anyways - I wish I could (((((hug))))) each and every one of you for your advice. The trust needs to be gained and I need to learn how to forgive him and myself if I am going to stay. One step at a time. Thanks again for clearing my mind so much today. I am so thankful for this board.......Lolobug
lolobug3 is offline  
Old 07-09-2003, 12:57 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Paused
Thread Starter
 
lolobug3's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 25
I was kinda questioning that too. His slate will never be clean. That kinda stays on the slate forever. Forgiveness, however, is something I need to decide to do if I want to stay in this relationship, otherwise, staying angry only hurts me and the family. I need to forgive and stay or not forgive and leave - two choices. The anger and pain will stay for a long time. He has been doing alot to gain my trust back. Time will tell I guess. If he would have just said he was sorry and went back to all his old ways then that would have been a different story - I could not have taken that. Laura
lolobug3 is offline  
Old 07-09-2003, 01:00 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
myles1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Unfortunatey being punitive and making him jump through hoops forever is not the way to deal with it, it will probably contribute to it happening again.

Some good healthy inner work on both sides and some marriage counselling sound like some pretty good things to me if both want to preserve the relationship.

Ngaire
myles1 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:35 PM.