A Question
 

My husband has been sober for almost 7 months but since getting his 6 month chip he hasnt been to a meeting. Communication is all but gone between us. He seems fine and friendly to others but me. I'm still learning about the disease of A and I know there's physical sobriety (not actively drinking) and then theres emotional/mental sobriety. I was reading that alcoholics often vent their own feelings on those around them. Can someone shed some light on this? I am in Al Anon and am trying to keep the focus on myself but reality is I feel like I have a roommate and not a husband. I just want to understand if for nothing else, my own peace of mind.

Thanks

Just a quick disclaimer: I don't believe in the existence of the "dry drunk." As far as I know, sobriety is sobriety.

Anyway, my wife felt similarly when I stopped drinking. The thing is, when a person drinks, his personality can change dramatically. When I drank heavily I enjoyed different things, was interested in different things, etc., compared to when I'm living sober. So when I stopped drinking, all those interests and favorite activities changed back. This caught my wife off guard, and we had to find new things in common to enjoy. But before that happened, we went through a period where it was tough to find fun things to do together. For a while we basically lived separate lives.

If your husband is anything like me, then perhaps he is going through something similar. In other words, it could be that his tastes and interests have changed, and that you guys will have to find some new things in common, just like my wife and I had to do.

Of course, it could be something else entirely. But that's one possibility. Good luck figuring it out.

My experience is pretty close to vinepest's

Also, I was very uncomfortable talking about recovery, self examination, my experience, etc with my wife. I still am, but since I have become comfortable, even satisfied, in my sobriety, I don't think about it so much and I am getting back to the old me in a lot of ways and things are much better.

Early recovery was much harder on our relationship than when I was active.

I am sober now for a couple of months, and my wife and I are both aware that since I have changed, so must our relationship. We both feel that these changes are for the better since they are based on an improved mutual understanding of each other and of ourselves, without the distortion of a near constant alcoholic fog.

I am trying hard not to become 'a roommate', but this new (old?) persona is requiring a lot of introspection and integration work that was postponed due to hangover. I hope that this might explain your husband's need for some new self-talk.

Sobriety is not always sobriety and dry drunk does exist...how do i know, been there and met many others in real life who have done the same...best you concentrate on yourself and get whatever support you need and let him get on with whatever recovery program he chooses to use...

Sometimes there is no understanding. For me, for about the first year and a half maybe even two years, I was a rollercoaster of emotions and changes. Most of the time, I wasn't even sure why I was doing what I was doing. I agree with yeahgr8, all you can do is take care of yourself, and hopefully the rest will fall into place (I know that's easier said then done). =)
Also, about alcoholics venting their own feelings on those around them... I think alot of people do that. But, that said, the disease of alcoholism is very selfish. I know for me, for the first year my brain was still very much in a fog, and it took a long time before I was able to notice and realize how much my actions affected others, even in small ways.

My husband didn't want to admit I was an addict and he sure wasn't going to do anything like attend Al-anon. He decided I was too crazy to live with and decided to cash in 25 yrs of marriage rather than weather the ups and downs of early recovery.

Honesty is a real key in BOTH partners. Addiction was a third party in our relationship, not JUST my issue, but our issue. I'm glad I have a program, he's out there on his own.

I wish like anything I could mend our relationship, but I can't, but I CAN work on me.

If you can handle the "meanwhile" with some patience and humor, and keep working your own program, you might end up with an even better marriage a little ways down the line.

not a good sign......sounds to me like he's in relapse mode :c024:

Relapse is when an alcoholic stops going to meetings and reverts back to old behaviours.

You're husband is a lucky man to have your support like this.

I also think sobriety is sobriety.

Last time I quit drinking I was going to AA, exactly at the 6 month mark I stopped going to the meetings.
At 8 months I was right back where I started from.

Not saying that will happen, but if the meetings are working you might want to try to help him back.

Perhaps this has nothing whatsoever to do with drinking. It could be trouble at work, the death of a friend that he doesn't feel comfortable discussing, or maybe his favorite team is doing badly :)
I'm not trying to make light of things, but you should raise the issue with your husband in a calm, loving and relaxed manner. I hope it's nothing serious or a relapse, but I found a lot of the responses to be focussed solely on his attendance of the meetings etc. It might be something "normal"

I've found there's a difference between sobriety and recovery. You can have sobriety without the recovery, but you can't have recovery without sobriety. Getting sober is one thing and often times a Herculean task for many. For me it was relatively easy (probably because I didn't consume as much alcohol as some so physically it wasn't bad). But recovery was and is a beast. It involves a lot of mental and emotional maintenance to keep the darkness (aka the addictive mind) from coming back. There are a lot of possibilities. He could be exhausted by the process and doesn't want to get into anything with you. He may think because you're not an addict you won't understand what he's going through. He may know deep down talking to you would help a lot, but his darkness is tricking him into not talking to you. The only way you're going to know is to start a dialogue with him. If he's unwilling, make it known however you need that you are here to listen without judgment and with compassion, any time he needs. Even if he rejects, at least he knows and it shows you're making an effort. Overall, don't take it too personally, he's probably dealing with a lot of demons he hasn't faced before as a sober individual and he may not be ready to face them with someone so close to him because he feels vulnerable. Just practice compassion toward him and yourself as much as possible and always be ready to listen, not talk, but listen.

That's the other problem I had with chips in AA. For some, they were markers of their journey, a good ego boost for a really bruised ego, and often motivated them to keep going on. For others it's a marker of making a milestone and that they've done so much, they've done enough, they don't need to go anymore. I never did AA, so I can't say for sure what's going on, but it's possible his addictive mind is playing tricks on him telling him not to go to AA anymore because he's done enough. That leads to thoughts of "I'm recovered." and then "Oh well since I'm recovered, I can probably handle moderate alcohol consumption." And the darkness, the addictive mind, has ensnared him again to try to get him to destroy himself. That could also be why he's withdrawing from you. But I really don't know. It's just something to look out for and listen for if he talks to you.

It's ok not to go to meetings. I haven't been to a meeting in over half a year. Sometimes AA doesn't work for people. I know it doesn't work for me. What disease does he have? If he has OCD it could have contributed to his drinking.

I respectfully disagree. Relapse is when I put alcohol in my mouth and swallow. I make be lapsing back into old, addictive behavior prior to doing so, but I can cut it off (catch it) at anytime before I take that drink, thereby preventing the relapse. If relapse was as easy as having periods of time where I'm not working a perfect program, I'd never get any long periods of sobriety.

There is something else going on. It is very difficult to stay sober if you do not take care of your own needs. He could have either an underlying emotional or phsical problem this not being addressed. If this other issue is not resolved he will very likely return to the one sure relief he knows,the bottle, no matter how damaging the results. AA is not a cure all or even a cure most. Please help him to get the help he needs, whatever it may be. Best wishes to you.