I’ve just lost everything...
 

I am an addict and my poison is Cocaine. In 2006, I met the most beautiful, caring selfless person I could ever meet. 12 years later, this person has given me her hand in marriage, 3 beautiful children, and the most support love kindness and loyalty I could only dream of. Around 5 years ago, I broke her heart, when the addiction, lies and debt, all came out. Since then I have had so much help and support and guidance, to help me get clean and recover, that I could ever ask for. When my wife found out about it all, I was at my worst with using, doing over a few grams every day. Despite me knowing I couldn’t control it, and I was getting in severe debt with loan after loan accumulating, I couldn’t stop getting it. I would leave for work, and my 1st priority would be to get my coke, then I would start work. I wouldn’t think about the pain hurt and debt, I would block it out with getting coke. After I had the first line of the day, i would then get clearer thoughts and then regret, and think about how bad I was and the people I was hurting/affecting. Since then I managed to have lots of Spells of clean time, sometimes weeks sometimes months without using, but I have relapsed over and over again. I have always attended a minimum of two meetings per week, As difficult with young children, and when I remembered sent a gratitude list to my sponsor, and thought I was doing enough, but I wasn’t even consistent with that. Unintentionally has become apparent, that I have been what my wife calls ‘ pretending to recover’. The addict made me feel like I was doing enough, when I was actually doing less and less each day, and only enough to keep people quiet, not to recover. As far as the lies and addictive behaviour are concerned, I would say I am as worse as I ever have been. Yesterday my wife told me that she couldn’t carry on no more, and I have just read a three page letter from her which has broken me, reading her feelings and what I have done to her, and how I have made her feel, and the upset I have caused. I am devastated about it all, and feel like giving up. I have never been good at sharing my feelings, from a young age I have hidden them or use drugs to suppress them. Half of my head and heart is telling me to use this heartbreak to fight the addiction. The other half from the addict, is telling me to use and self-centredly not care about the damage it does to me in the process, and anyone else it would effect in doing so.
I’ve lost everything that mattered to me

I'm really sorry MrDenial.

If it's a choice, I'd use this to fight your addiction.

There are no happy endings in active addiction but a lot in recovery :)

D

Hi man. First off, please please seek help. If you are in a dark place, please call
1-800-273-8255, which is the national suicide hotline.

Listen, there is NO problem that you cannot overcome. It's going to be hard and take a lot of work, but you CAN do it. Please continue reaching out here, and if you need help finding some treatment centers let me know and I'll look into it for you.

Best,

Sending strength to you. You are a parent, a colleague, and a community member - you're connected, and you're important. Keep close to SR, to read, share and help you develop a plan for what comes next.

if you flip the coin over...you have been given the chance to stop using and losing, and get your life back on track.

Thanks for your time to reply. I chose not to use Cocaine last night and feel better for it that I didn’t. I want to recover to be a better person for me, and for the ones I love and those around me.
Just for today.. I will not use coke 👍🏼

No.Matter.What.

How are you doing tonight Mr?

I know how hard it is to quit coke, the memories of banging my head against the wall because of withdrawals are still etched in my mind. I quit about 18 years ago, but turned to booze. I'm getting clean for good, and I hope you are on that path too!

You are worth so much more than the mistakes you've made...:grouphug:

I’m doing ok thankyou. I feel alone, miss my family and in a deep hole. My head is telling me by having a few joints a night, I would be able to get rid of the coke thoughts, but I am also aware that is substituting one drug for another, and not an option in order to be clean. I went to a meeting last night to help stay focused. I want to be clean, but keep thinking that coke is the issue and the reason for all of the mess I’m in, and the destruction I have caused, yet can’t help thinking after a long day at work I ‘need’ or ‘deserve’ to unwind, and that a j will help. I have constantly relapsed in coke, and not shed my addictive behavior, just difficult to know what to do!
Thankyou for your time, it’s much appreciated 👍🏼

Hi all, I had a lovely night last night. I was invited to watch the England match with my wife and kids. It was lovely being with them and enjoying the game together, before helping put them into bed before I left. My wife helped me find a counsellor which I will be seeing on Monday evening, and I am looking forward to that. No feelings or thoughts today about using too. I’m sure bad days will come, but will try harder than ever before to fight them and share on here too.

good for you. tell yourself - THIS is better, this is better, this is so much better!!! i used to almost chant that when we were trying to get off crack, and having a good day with the windows and doors open. grilling on the deck.

cravings will come. they just do. but cravings don't last forever. try to see them as an indicator that you are on the right path.....we don't crave when we keep giving in, only when we don't. using is really stupid.....you'll see that more and more the farther away you get. just don't use NO MATTER WHAT.

good luck with the counselor. be honest. and get excited about life AFTER drugs!!!!

Hi, thanks for your message and good advice. Due to the nature of my job I had to attend work late last night doing overtime, to assist a subcontractor carrying out maintenance work on the hospital I am a resident engineer for. As a result i was home early hours and I had to send a message to inform work I would be in slightly later this morning. I had no thoughts about using, But memories did return to me of my past, where I used to wake up tired daily, and the first thing I did was pick up and use. The addict in me used tiredness to justify my using, but I’m glad I could see today, that It was wrong and not acceptable to do so.

Hi Mr. Denial, hope you are ok. I have personal experience of how hard it can be to beat the 'devil's dandruff', this drug tricks us in to thinking we need it when it's the last thing we need. I have been battling it 10 years going in and out of addiction but 2 weeks ago I said 'no more' and I've used rational recovery/AVRT to separate from the addictive voice with some success although it is admittedly early days. I've posted about my experiences on the secular connections board.

It really is mind over matter with this stuff, and giving it up for good until the lower brain finally gets the message and stops craving.

I used to think I could use occasionally but it just let back to excessive use.

How are things with your wife hope they are getting better. My relationship with my husband was never at breaking point but I hated him feeling disappointed in me and could see it would damage our relationship past the point of no return if I did not stop.

Sounds like you are ready to quit now, best of luck to you.

Hi mirrorball, thanks for your share. Sound like a similar experience and I also know, using occasionally is no option as it controls me.
I have a very small window to change myself with one final chance to keep my wife and kids.
I am not living in my home at the moment in fact out of my car, as I’m too proud to get anymore people involved by asking for a place to stay and be fed, so things are difficult but I am aware, it is also difficult for my family. I’m determined not to use, and have tried to do post here more often, still help at home, but I need to a do more recovery work in the short time I have, to show I’m committed and changing.
I have always made excuses to not put the effort in required, but it is difficult at the moment in the circumstances I’m in, but will keep trying to show change and willingness.
Thanks for listening
Mrdenial.

I hope you'll reach out for help, MrDenial. Living in a car isn't really conducive to recovery.

Have you considered rehab or a few free AA/NA meetings? I hope you'll ask for help and let others love you until you can love yourself. :grouphug:

If you walk into any hospital or church and ask for help they can hook you up with a social worker or at least a list of local meetings. You could also look online for the locations and times of meetings. People at meetings will understand and will have ideas for your current situation.

I really hope you get that chance with your wife and kids MrDenial, and that you have managed to stay away from the stuff.. when you say you have a short time what do you mean, has your wife set a timeline for you?


I said no never again after a horrible weekend 2 weeks ago when I ended up coming home at 8 in the morning to my husband and kids, and the kids wanted to play with me and i was too wasted. I realised I had to say goodbye to the cocaine permanently if I wanted my freedom and for a week I felt intense feelings of grief and sadness that I had to give my addiction up (which I now see was the addict part of me grieving its demise/death) but that seems to have levelled off now and I still get a 'are you sure you can't ever do it again' feeling from my AV (addictive voice) but I'm just saying 'no I don't do that anymore' and then distracting myself from its siren call. Trying not to engage with that feeling of desire but brush it off.

I've deleted numbers for dealers which hasn't been foolproof in the past as they've got in touch again, but puts a barrier in in the early days. I've just got to be strong and delete the number should they contact me again, but I think I will be able to now as this time I'm serious and if I go back to it now, then it's won and I don't like to lose!

Since then I've really appreciated having a straight head and being able to do normal stuff, family stuff without the comedowns, guilt and tiredness that comes with using coke.

Must be rough living in your car particularly in the heat if it is hot where you are... is there any way you can get a roof over your head, even if it means asking for help?

Post here whenever you need to, people are listening. I got so much help on the other board and it really got me through the first few days and cemented my decision to stop.

Hi, I have been doing at least a couple of meetings a week for a good few years now with NA. I also deleted all numbers and stop contacting associates , friends, or other users being proactive..
I also stopped working as a self-employed contractor, where was paid cash for jobs. I work for a company now and my wife has full access to my account and I don’t really handle no money much at all, in order to not be tempted. I have stopped private work too for the same reason. My wife has given us a timeline for later show media improvement, which I’m very grateful for. I’ve always found it difficult with the higher power/god business, although I am a firm believer that is does work for others.
My wife recently discovered the AVRT Method and after reading through it I really like the sound of it and trying hard to use that to follow. I am being pro active in my day as wherever I can and touch wood, so far so good.
Thankyou all for your time and advice.
Mrdenial

pro active is very good! we HAVE to stay ahead of our addiction.
it sounds as if you made a lot of wise moves to cut off avenues and contacts, and also recognized how your work pattern fed the beast.
carry on my friend!

good on ya!!
this part is understandable and many of us complicate it. heres something from the big book of AA that helped me with it:
We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. "Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?" As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way. It has been repeatedly proven among us that upon this simple cornerstone a wonderfully effective spiritual structure can be built

thats all that is asked is a willingness to believe in something out there greater than yourself that can help you.

Nice day today. Spent the morning at my eldest sons football tournament.⚽️
This afternoon, to avoid points on my driving licence for speeding I had to attend a speed awareness course. Not so fun but the outcome was worth it. At home awaiting my family returning from a friends birthday party. Got done housework done and thought I would post while I had 5 mins. No thoughts of the enemy today and happy for it. Another day clean.

Glad to hear you had a good day Mr Denial. Sundays are so much easier with a clear head aren't they!

I've done the speed awareness course and didn't find it too bad actually - better than getting points on the license. I was always **** scared of being done for drug driving due to the draconian drug driving laws in the UK which can test for the coke metabolite up to 3 days after you've taken it and well after you've actually come down. So another benefit of giving up - don't have to worry about that one any more.

My weekend was ok, I noticed the Beast (AV) trying to get in my head at one point and lamenting the fact that I've left the drugs world behind. Sometimes it is hard to get my head around giving up, as since being a teenager I've always been into some sort of substance (first weed/speed/acid then ecstacy then graduating to coke) but I just keep telling myself I'll get used to it in time and this will be the new normal.

Sounds like you are on top of things so well done!

Another good day. I really struggle to show emotions or feelings in conversation. I automatically put up a wall as a defensive mechanism or habit from my addiction. I also struggle to listen and pay full attention, and what I really need to improve to help fix my marriage and rebuild the relationship with my wife. From a young age I hid my emotions, or used drugs to suppress them. Any advice would be much appreciated. Another day clean, being pro active, and more steps forward to becoming a better person.

Hi Mirrorball, I agree Sundays are much easier to manage, mainly because of a clear ahead without the manic of work going on, and being around the wife and kids too. I agree wasn’t too bad actually, considering the other outcomes as you stated, points on the license or even worse, being caught drug driving or being involved in a collision due to being on drugs. I have been lucky to this point, the beast hasn’t really come into my head, although certain behaviours give me reminders of it, when I’m in similar situations now where I would’ve used in the past. I too used since I was a teenager, progression also from smoking solids, skunk, speed, ecstasy, and cocaine. I really wanna change my addictive behaviour which I think a lot of it is habitual from doing so many years. I have a habit of putting up a wall as a defence mechanism that was routine for the edit when situations was telling my AV, to use, and I was trying to stop using.

Continued…

Not to use, And I was trying to stop using. I am on the right path but need to stay focused and strong. I hope you are doing okay thanks for your time.
Mrdenial

Are you ok? "Continued not to use...and i was trying to stop using" That somehow doesnt make sense.....

I'm okay thanks, kind of coming to terms that this is permanent! Which is great for me, but the Beast doesn't like it.
I found a pack of fags yesterday with about 5 fags in, when on the chizzle I would chain smoke but I never smoke -at all - if not on coke.... it's a stimulant thing with me.

Anyway on habit, I put the fags in my drawer thinking 'will come in handy for next time', then realised there won't be a next time so I don't need those fags but my pesky beast was very resistant to chucking the fags, reasoning that I may, just may, need them again.

I eventually took control and threw them away but it was a bit of a tussle. Me and my beast. Will be for a while, but I have the upper hand.

Me and Mr. Mirrorball have the chance to go away for the night without the kids in a couple of weeks, so we booked a hotel deal...
gives me something to look forward to, a bit of a treat. In the past I'd want to get a gram in, but I just thought how horrible it would be not being able to sleep and feeling ****** the next day. A day will come, hopefully soon, when I don't even think about the cola in situations like that. Anyway I'm looking forward to the night away drug free, cos I don't do that **** no more

Keep on keeping on, you're doing grand.

Sorry, repost with corrections!!


Hi Mirrorball, I agree Sundays are much easier to manage, mainly because of a clear ahead without the manic of work going on, and being around the wife and kids too. I agree wasn’t too bad actually, considering the other outcomes as you stated, points on the license or even worse, being caught drug driving or being involved in a collision due to being on drugs. I have been lucky to this point, the beast hasn’t really come into my head, although certain behaviours give me reminders of it, when I’m in similar situations now where I would’ve used in the past. I too used since I was a teenager, progression also from smoking solids, skunk, speed, ecstasy, and cocaine. I really wanna change my addictive behaviour which I think a lot of it is habitual from doing so many years. I have a habit of putting up a wall as a defence mechanism that was routine for the addict, when different situations or people were telling me not to use, and my AV didn’t like hearing it, Even though I was trying to stop using. I am on the right path but need to stay focused and strong. I hope you are doing okay thanks for your time.
Mrdenial

Hi, another good day today and in control. I have been proactive where possible too. I have always smoked but understand about the chain-smoking when I used to use.
I Also used to do things to leave a door open, like keeping phone numbers, or paraphernalia from smoking weed, but outed it all eventually when I realised I was doing it, as it was giving my AV a route back in again. I too enjoy booking holidays or weekend breaks, it gives me a focus and something to work for, and also puts our money to a family treat, rather than me wasting it and us all missing out.
I am happy to say I don’t do drugs.
Glad you are doing well too
Mrdenial

Yep feel like I've turned a corner. I was working just outside of London last week and could have scored, my london dealer (ex dealer now!) would just about come out that far. I had no intention of doing so though! Beast was trying it on a little, saying 'well you COULD in theory get some', but no chance.

Not to get complacent but although it's only been 4 weeks I really feel like it's all historyH now. I know my sneaky beast will never give up though, and I've had clean periods before only to relapse, so will not let my guard down.

Hope you are doing ok Mr. D and keeping the cravings at bay!

I think a lot of people who are addicted can relate to wanting to keep drugs around even after you quite because it’s like a safety net. Knowing that they will always be there if you need them. It’s a comfort is what it is.

But good for you for taking control and getting rid of the cigarettes. Doesn’t matter if it’s cigs alcohol or other drugs, one hit could send you back into active addiction immediately, even if what you’re taking isn’t your usual drug of choice. Keep up the good work!