Recovering Addicts, I Need Your Help. Do I Quit This Friendship, or Not?
 

I've posted here before about my friend who's a recovering addict. He's been clean on methadone for about a year now. He was actively when we first met and for about a year of our friendship.

We used to spend time together. Talk together.

I've hardly seen him all this year. We hardly ever talk. He calls sometimes, but we don't talk long, or about anything much, like we used to. He hardly ever answers his phone.

We went on vacation together and he didn't seem to be enjoying himself. He didn't seem to be enjoying my company, either. It's like there is nothing I can bring to the friendshp anymore.

We're "just friends." And I miss my friend. I miss hanging out with him and talking with him. I don't know why he doesn't seem to want my friendship anymore. I know the most important thing is for him to take care of himself, to work his recovery. I wish he had some other friends in addition to me. I wish he did some of the group things at the clinic. All he does is go to work, go home, lie around all weekend doing nothing.

What I want to know is, should I just quit the friendship and walk away? Block his calls, not call him, just give up trying to be his friend? I don't seem to be doing him any good, and it's making me sad because I miss him. I've never dumped a friend before but I've never had one act like this before, either, and I'm really confused.

Hi Firesong - I don't think anyone here can tell you what to do.

I'm not even sure it's specifically a recovery thing - it's just a fact that some friendships are not forever.

If you want to fight for this friendship then you're gonna have to sit him down and ask what's up. He may or may not give you the answers you want to hear, y'know?

If you're just fed up and want to move on - then do that :)

D

People grow apart. He can always be your friend, but might be time to let it go.

Thanks. I know no one can tell me what to do. I just wanted to tell somebody, I guess. I know I need to tell him too, I guess.

I have been reading something tonight that reminded me of something my friend told me about a year ago, that I thought I would remember but apparently I forgot.
An addict's brain is not able to feel natural pleasures the way a non-addict's brain is able to. Because of the long-term effect of the drug on the brain, the brain really cannot feel non-drug-induced pleasure. At least maybe not until well into recovery.
So to me that explains why he didn't seem to enjoy being on vacation, spending time with his friend (me) or any of the things I wanted to enjoy on vacation with him.
Maybe his brain just simply cannot take any pleasure in any "natural" joys yet.
Does that make sense to any of you? Am I totally off base? I know I can't understand a lot of this stuff. I am not able to understand it, because I have not experienced it myself. But at least, if that's the way it is, I can try to remember it.

I think the hardest part of acceptance for me has been accepting that I can't control other peoples actions or feelings toward me. I tend to take it very personally (being the self centered addict that I am it's ALL ABOUT ME!) and wonder what's wrong with ME and what can I do to make it better. The truth is some people just don't connect with you on the same level as you connect with them. Some friendships and relationships just don't work out. He sounds pretty unhappy in general and he might just be in a place right now where he can't really be happy with anything or anyone. I'm about 3 1/2 months clean and I'm a miserable SOB most days and it's nothing against the people around me, just what's going on inside me. The truth is other people can't solve an inside problem. You can't fix him, you can't make him ready for or want your friendship. It isn't about you, it's about him.

He was using when you met and got know each other and for that first year of being friends, right? Now he's "clean on methadone", right?

It's possible that he is a different person than the one you first got to know and hung out with. That person was actively using.

It's also very possible that he doesn't experience pleasure naturally like a non-addict can. But, hopefully in time he will again.

It also sounds like he could be depressed.

I don't see where blocking his calls and cutting him off are going to be helpful. Generally speaking people block other people's calls, etc, when they are trying to keep a hurtful or toxic person away from them. Your friend just sounds "blah", rather than scary or hurtful. Does he call you and bug you? Does/has he threatened you in any way? Is he abusive? It sounds to me like you would still very much like to be friends.

It's important to understand that as a recovering addict, [and I don't know how long he has been in recovery] is going through some major changes with his brain and his body. Maybe holding down a job and 'going to work' as you say is all he can manage right now.

Give it some time. And don't burn you bridges at this point. Just my take...you will do whatever you feel is best and right for you..

Have you had an open discussion with him about how you are feeling? Maybe he does not even realize how he is coming across to you....

I will add a bit more here which may help you understand where some addicts may be coming from:

Sometimes addicts simply feel ashamed as well as vulnerable. They are often afraid they will lose friends if those friends find out the truth. I know, I've been there. I had a friend who cut me off without even talking to me first so I could have a decent chance of salvaging the friendship. He wouldn't talk to me about it and then he was like: just out of my life-bingo with no way to communicate. It's like he simply--left. And left me hanging. It left a void in my life that I didn't need at the time. I was already feeling a void in my life by getting clean and not using substances anymore. Being in recovery is sort of like trying to learn to really LIVE again. Now, I don't know what kind of person your friend is, but my friend that left me is very self-centered. Maybe even a narcissist. He was my friend as long as I could give him what he needed and be part of his narcissistic supply chain. Life was happening for me in a stressful, demanding way and he was not very supportive really. He wasn't there for me when I needed him to be. So after a while, I truly began to wonder if he was even a true friend.

He wanted to share all his "joys" and accomplishments with me because he felt that that is what friends are for...and it IS, don't get me wrong. But friends are also there to divide sorrow. And when it came to that part of friendship, he didn't know how and/or lost interest. That was kind of a brutal awakening for me...to face the truth that he was more like a fair weather friend.

He is the one who "started" the friendship and made all the first moves for us to get to know one another. I didn't pursue anything really. It was all him. Then he got some twisted idea that I was too dependent on him. Not so. The truth was I couldn't really depend much on him at all for what I really needed. The friendship seemed to be more about his needs from the very beginning. God forbid that I should have any needs that needed to be addressed....

I don't mean to sound bitter. But I am one who felt like the rug was pulled out from under me at a time in my life that I didn't need that. I am not encouraging you to stay friends with someone if they are hurtful, abusive, or toxic. Only you can make that call. Open discussion is a good place to start if you are able to do that.

Hope this helps.

What D said

Thank you all for your feedback.
Sometimes it is easier to post on the internet, to share my thoughts with strangers, than to confront a close friend. I think with this particular friend it may be hard to confront him because somewhere deep inside me I "know" he is having a hard time, he is very fragile, the daily struggle just to go to the clinic, go to work, go home, and do it all over again the next day, is wearing him out. I know he is glad to have me for a friend, just being there for him, not putting any demands on him, just being his friend. But sometimes I "need" him to be there for me, too, just to be here with me, just hanging out together watching TV. And he can't be. Maybe if we lived next door to each other, but we don't; he has said he wished I lived just down the street, and I've tried to move closer to him, but there really isn't any place close to him, and I've been burnt too many times in relationships to want to go out on a limb any more for anyone. We're not in a "relationship," anyway, we're just friends.
I don't really want to walk out on him or block his calls or anything. He's a good friend, and I want to be a good friend too. The one time I told him I got frustrated because it's so hard to get in touch with him, he was so apologetic that I felt guilty! I just need to keep reminding myself how thankful I am that he is doing well in recovery, and at work, and sticking with it all. I have told him how proud I am of him, and how brave I think he is.
Thank you all again for replying to my post.

This post here seems to contradict your opening post. Why would you shift from a mentality of: 1) "Should I block his calls?" to a mentality of 2) "He's too fragile to confront."? In the first one, you make it sound as if he has been stalking you....In the second one, you make it sound like you are oh so concerned and just want to give him the space he needs...

Still a lot of guesswork involved there. You do admit that it is "easier" to post on the internet than to confront a close friend.

Keep in mind that what keeps friendships and friends close is communication, honesty, openess. At this point in time, he might feel as if you have given up on him because of his "issues". He may not contact you because he is assuming that is what you want.

Look, I personally KNOW what it's like to be told that I am "too dependent". So, after a friend of mine accused me of that, I was afraid to share with him many of my true feelings and struggles. I felt like he mainly wanted a "perfect friend" who would never demand anything; never expect anything. So, what that sets up is that you feel stifled and unable to be your true self with someone who is supposed to be your friend.

Can you see how lack of communication plays into it all?

Thanks, teatreeoil007. I think you are right about communication between friends. But that applies to communication on BBs too, and you seem to have read a lot into my first post that isn't there. What exactly did you hear that sounded like I said he was stalking me? In my first post I said I've hardly seen him this year and we don't talk much. That is hardly stalking! I also said that i was wondering if I should give up on the friendship because he doesn't seem to want my friendship anymore. Again, that is hardly stalking!
And if my most recent post seemed to contradict my first one, well, that might be a good thing resulting from the good feedback I have read here, for which I have thanked all of you. So, you all have made me think, and maybe rethink how I feel about this. Isn't that one reason people post on BBs, to get feedback, to maybe rethink some things? That is good communication, and I hear you about maybe I need to communicate more clearly how I feel about my friend, WITH my friend.
But for goodness' sake, don't read things into my posts that aren't there. You heard "stalking" but I never said anything like stalking! In fact one reason I started this thread is because I have been thinking about his feelings as well as mine, and wondering if I should just give up because neither he nor I seem able to bring anything to the friendship these days.
But you are right, I can't know what he is feeling unless he tells me, and he can't know I want to know unless I tell him. :)

Well, exactly! He is not even close to stalking you...that is what my point was, really. So then, why ask if you should block his calls? That seems like an overreaction toward someone who is "just friends" who is not hounding and not threatening you in any way.

Look--you are the one that came on here and started spilling your guts about this 'friend' who is a recovering heroin addict.

How would you like it if he went and spilled his guts about a personal failing of yours on a public message board instead of going directly to you in discreet confidence?

If he really is "just a friend"j and you are a concerned friend and you care about him and you are happy for his sobriety, this should be a no-brainer.

You have made some assumptions that will not get clarified on a public forum. It can only be clarified by being honest and direct and that can be done in a caring way-if you are worried about how he will take it. Likely he is much stronger than you know...

Do you have some reason for attacking me with all this harsh criticism, teatreeoil007? I sorta thought this place was a place for asking for feedback. For "spilling one's guts," as you put it.

Sorry if I misunderstood the rules of your game. Guess I'll go try to handle this situation myself, even though I'm in way over my head, since apparently I don't belong here.

I figured people who'd been there done that might offer some advice.

Some have. Thanks to those who have.

Sorry my guts spilled all over your turf, teatreeoil.

Please do not misunderstand me. This is not my 'turf'. This is not a game and I don't make any rules. I don't mean to criticize you. Not my intention at all, so please don't take offense as none was intended.

I have a question for you: In one of your posts, you stated that it SEEMS like he doesn't want to be your friend anymore...I totally don't blame you for wondering that...we've all been there and done that, I'm sure...

BUT, how do you even know that if you've hardly been around him this past year? .. and, Do you think it is by his choice that you haven't been around one another enough to really know these things?

Look, I know what it's like to quit, and not quit quitting, and I also know what it's like to be that friend and family member of an addict and of recovering addicts. I perceive from your post that you are looking for answers. And maybe you are right-you'll end up figuring it out on your own.

My best advice to you is BE a friend...no reason to block a friend's calls or emails or texts, if they have not threatened you and are not harassing you...hey! You asked...

Many people treat addicts and recovering addicts like they are tainted and it can get all awkward and many assumptions are made and conclusions made about addicts, etc. It's very likely that he already feels rejected and distanced by 'friends'.

I guess I'm wondering about that same thing? Why block his calls? I've had many friendships that just sorta fizzled out. In fact, it's pretty normal for that to happen in life.

I thought I was just being pointed and direct. But maybe I came on too strong. I realize now that Firesong is feeling emotional and sad about the possibility of a friendship ending(?) and really missing his 'friend'. Well, his 'friend' is probably missing him too. Who's decision and/or choice was it to "not talk much about anything" and hardly ever see each other for the past year. Is he blaming his 'friend' for that?

What I don't get is why does it have to be his decision to "end it" as if he needs to officially be 'done'. It's not an all or nothing thing between friends usually. To me that speaks of more of an emotional knee-jerk type of thing on his part-a rather 'all or nothing' type of thing. And, his 'friend' may not be feeling that way at ALL.

*sigh* I sent him a PM,, but it looks like I've scared him off....he didn't answer any of my questions though...

:tyou

Exactly! Friendships don't have to "officially" end. Sometimes it's just the normal progression of things and the two kind of go separate ways. It isn't something planned and no need to block calls if the friend hasn't been abusive or behaved in a way that threatens you.

But I'm getting a sense that you don't want this friendship to end? That maybe you are much more emotionally invested than you would like to admit? If so, then I think teetree makes a very good point. Communication is necessary! Maybe fear is keeping you from having a conversation about it with him? Fear you feel differently than him?

Thanks so much for your understanding and insight.

This hits close to home for me because I have a friend who recently blocked my text one week after he asked me to keep in touch and how. It left me bewildered and I cannot figure out what I did that would cause him to do that. Well, I didn't do anything, really except try to respect his boundaries and keep my own. But if he cannot be honest about why he blocked me then I am left to guess that he wants no contact. What can I do about that? Right now: not much. I hope he will come to his senses and see things as clearly as you do.