Detox, recover, relapse and repeat:(
 

Hello all. I was on these forums around a year ago. I was having quite frankly the worst detox of my life. I had been using dilaudid and morphine for about 4 straight months. Anyway I made it through, got clean, recommited to NA and stayed clean for around 9 months. Then as has been my story for years now I used because I was prescribed vicodin for actual pain. This ALWAYS opens up a can of worms. So I have been using pretty much any opiate off and on over the past month. Not everyday. Sometimes not even for a whole week. I'm in day 2 of cold turkey. It's not even really a detox physically that registers. Little sore, ****** dreams but I'm sleeping. I'm more depressed and just mind
f#%€*d than anything. I was also on Ativan for 3 straight weeks. Prescribed. Not noticing much discomfort from that. Been off of it for quite a few. I'm really just looking for some encouragement, insight, and get to know some of you in this wonderful community. I'm cautious about NA. I've been a member for 6 years and it's helped me greatly but I feel like I'm searching for something else. Does anyone have experience with experiencing other ways to be clean and spiritual outside of NA. I'm not bashing or disrespecting NA. It's a great program. Just looking at alternatives. If nothing changes, nothing changes. Peace and love:)

I've put up with a whole lot of "actual pain" because I just can't use opiates casually and expect to come through it clean. I did, however, have a serious injury and had to take them. I didn't relapse. I didn't take more than prescribed or longer than I needed to (if anything, I stopped them a little soon). How did I do that? I had a sponsor who was quite literally on call for me 24 hours a day when my head started. I spent my first three months clean developing a network of friends in recovery I could call on likewise. I prayed my ass off and was brutally honest with myself and those around me, even when it was damned uncomfortable to do so.

So, that's how I did it, and I told you that to ask: What were you doing besides going to meetings when you had to take opiates? Being a member of NA and using the program in your life doesn't preclude finding something more outside of NA. My life is incredibly full, and though I use the steps in everything I do, my activities are not limited to the rooms by any stretch. The whole point is to return to a place where we can be a productive member of society again and have a well-balanced life. So, what do you think you're looking for, and how would participation in the program prevent you from finding it?

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Welcome Back Jesse7277
 

Hey.

Thankfully you weren't on opiates for a prolonged period this time, but as you know, the physical part is not as hard as the mental part of staying off them. It sucks when actual pain causes a relapse to opiates. I have osteoarthritis and had both knees replaced in 2009, causing me a 2 year addiction to oxys. Of course, I perpetuated the use far after I needed them for pain. My whole story is on the oxycodone withdrawal help and I'm going cold turkey threads.

I admire and respect NA and AA, but they are not my thing either. I've been to meetings and enjoyed them. But I have enough support with the people around me who know I was addicted and have an interest in my staying clean. I often speak of how I suffered the WRATH OF GOD for days after my husband found out I had been using FAR AND ABOVE my prescribed dose of oxys and was supposed to be tapering for months. NOT. I thought I could lie my way through withdrawals. I could not. Too sick. Couldn't fake it. I'm glad he knows now, because he is now my biggest ally. I quit in December 2010.

I now know recovery is a lifestyle and not an end point. You've lived that. Now you need to live it again, and the next time you have pain issues, there are other ways than opiates to deal with it. I won't go into that too much here, and it is not a criticism for what you did. I have supreme respect for those in severe pain who need relief from it. I've lived that, too. No way can you do orthopedic surgery without opiates, unless you live in China and have one of the Lords of Acupuncture (and I mean that fondly) to see you through it.

Anyway, here you are. Welcome back. Maybe you've read some of the threads I mentioned, but it has become kind of a mantra here:

FOK the OX!

Crude maybe, but introduced by one of this year's best posters and we all carried the ball. Good, honest, raw stuff, as we have pushed through the hell that oxy addiction and subsequent withdrawal put you through. Another poster called it "The Devil's Poop." I liked that.

Other ways to be clean and spiritual outside NA are so individual. For me, this forum has enlightened me so much, just having found that I am not crazy, not alone, and really not so unique in my addiction. I was an isolated addict. Didn't share my lie with anyone. Private. Not social. I really thought I was alone until I came here and found an instant connection with a few different posters.

I stay here because it helps me stay clean, and I hope what I say strikes a chord with some others, maybe helps them a little.

I also like to read Ekhart Tolle, my favorite is "A New Earth" which you can get the audio of for free online. Very hypnotic if you have trouble sleeping. Good message. I also read "Worry" a few years ago, which helped me extremely with my depression. It's by Hallowell.

Glad to see you here.

Thanks guys!! Sugah, to answer your question:) I've done it all in NA. I've been of service, worked the steps, had a home group, sponsored, and acquired a network of friends. I have to admit your post got me thinking and some of the happiest times in my life were when I was truly working the program. I guess what happened with my mist recent separation from the program was that I attended a meeting that I didn't get alot out of as a home group and I never really connected with my sponsor. I kinda blamed the program for these things but they were my choices. I'm really toting with the idea of going to a meeting Monday night that I know is full of good recovery. Getting a white keytag seems rather scary at the moment. I guess if I let go and just try to listen fir what's wrong right now, my heart points to NA. My head has other ideas though.

Thank you as well failedtaper. This forum saved my life once before. Literally. I believe I used the screen name videodrone33. I feel a little ashamed cause once I got my "sea-legs" back I kinda just quit coming here. As soon as I felt that familiar depression and fear kick in this place popped in my mind. So here I am and I would love to become a part of this community permanantly.

Sugah,
I am curious when you quit the opiates you used appropriately for pain did you get sick at all? I am feeling pretty good today. The longest I used was for about 12 straight day's. I kinda feel like last night might of been the worst of it. Compared to my last detox this is nothing. I almost feel like I deserve worse. Bad attitude I know.

Thannks for all your insight guys.

Jesse, I was on opiates for a little less than three weeks. I crushed my lower leg and had to have some major reconstructive surgery (anybody want to compare scars with me? I almost always win ;)).

I didn't get sick, not in the way I did when I stopped the first time (HUGE oxy/vicodin/valium habit--ten days before I could reliably make it to the bathroom). I felt pretty restless and irritable, but I wasn't puking and all the other miserable symptoms that go along with it. I also couldn't get out to meetings for awhile, but when folks saw how serious I was about staying clean, they brought meetings in to me.

As for not connecting with your sponsor--a sponsorship relationship is not written in blood. It does take time and effort to develop a bond, but if it doesn't happen in a reasonable amount of time (couple of months?), it's fine to find another. And I couldn't have stayed clean with my sponsor's support alone, as wonderful as she is. I needed a network, so every time I heard someone speak who seemed serene and grounded (AND who lived that way outside of meetings), I asked for a phone number. And then, as much as I hate the phone, I used the numbers.

I don't know what the NA climate is in your town. In mine, it was pretty sick, which is what led me to AA. And not everyone is the picture of health, regardless of time, in either program. Listen closely and (gawd, I hate this phrase) "stick with the winners."

Good luck to you. You'll find a lot of support here, but I'd caution you against relying only on digital communication. I could ******** like anybody behind a screen, and the sad thing was, I could ******** myself, too. Face to face, eye to eye saved my ass.

Peace & Love,
Sugah

Thanks sugah:)

As the day progresses I find myself wanting to take a pain pill. I don't feel horrible. A little bored. Antsy perhaps. But not in alot of discomfort physically. The mental part of this sucks. I just feel so lost, bored, ect... Hopefully my kids get home soon. Keep me busy and whatnot. Everyone who reads this thread have a nice day:)

The physical part only sucked for 5-7 days or so for me....but the mental part....the malaise, boredom, and the feeling of there being a void has been tough for me.

I'm on Day 25 of being clean from opiates and every now and then my addict mind tries giving me reasons why it would be ok to use now and then, but I know damn well I will be back to square one if I do that and I don't feel like going back to square one again.

Yeah. I agree. I wasn't relapsed long enough fir the physical to be real bad but maaaaaaaan I sent my mind into a tailspin:(

Hey Jesse, I can understand, although my physical withdraws are kicking in heavy right now, my mind is where the problem is, stay strong, keep posting! thanks for the share and all that jazz!

Hi Jesse,

I was 82 days clean and relapsed on oxys and tabs. I was only using for 10 days and I'm still going through w/d and I'm on day 5, although I was using pretty heavy for those 10 days, I even got sick the second day I used and continued using anyway.

You are lucky to bypass the w/d stage. The mental struggle is bad too, which really could be part of w/d couldn't it? I mean the mind is part of the body. I always feel really depressed the first couple of weeks too.

The one highlight is I always have one moment during the day that I am happy, truly happy to be alive and clean. Now this moment may only last a minute, but it also serves as a reminder of what good things are waiting for me as my opiate-free days continue.

I was very happy when I relapsed and now I am miserable. If only I could feel like this when I get the urge but my mind forgets how horrible it really is/was.

Good Luck to you,
Stacy

I think that was just a personal thing between you and 2 other people... Not everyone here is on Oxy and just repeating that phrase doesn't carry with it the "spirit" you three gave it for yourselves. I know that to me personally, it doesn't carry the meaning you wish it did. It's just...distracting... Even though I know you mean well, I think you might be forcing your own slogan on others that really don't get the emotional connection you have with this "mantra". I could just as easily say "FOK DA' CODEINE!" and call it a "coined phrase".

Thanks Stacy. I am all smiles today taking my kids to school. Feeling good. Still not me but better. Using is just not worth it.

I took no offense to failedtaper's post. If you have a personal disagreement maybe you could argue it somewhere else than this thread? Thank you outofideas.

I'm not trying to argue anyone, Jesse. Sorry if you took it that way. I'm glad you're here and making progress, and apologize for entering your thread the way I did. I post on a lot of threads and I guess I thought I had already posted to you already...and was just making a side comment as to the relativity of FT's "mantra" applying here.

No worries at all. I'm a tad testy. Apologize if I came off rude:)

Jesse,

No worries from me either. I have been asked by the Admin to "Ignore" OOI's, so I had no idea he made another nasty remark regarding me until you responded in your post.

Actually, dilaudid and morphine are smack dab within the opiate family of drugs, right along with oxycodone and oxycontin, and yes even heroin. So, it seems you got the relevance of "FOK the OX." I am glad you are not offended, because when some of us started using that term on this forum, we did get a few "complaints."

I am actually honored that someone finally came to my defense, so thank you.

I hope you are well, and all my posts are only meant to be supportive.

I am very well and thank you. I was able to spar MMA for 2 5 min. Rounds yesterday. Slept good. The night before I had horrible using dreams. Last night I dreamt but it was rather pleasant. I'm looking forward to a good jiu-jitsu workout tomorrow:) I really dodged a bullet this time. Please just pray I learn some new skills to cope with my tendency to relapse. Ive got another recovery in me but I don't know if I could do another detox:( Peace and love.

He simply asked me to keep my disagreements with you out of his thread. I'm happy to comply with the request. My comment wasn't "nasty" and I don't think he took up your "mantra" as you claim he has. I've only seen you and 2 others use it, as it was how you three "connected" while detoxing. "Fok da' Ox" isn't an SR chant...and is just getting old to see in all of your posts.

This thread is about Jesse and their struggle with vicodin. Not every opiate user has to join in on your experience alone.


Jesse, do you go to Church? Is that what you are talking about when you want something spiritual outside of NA?