Another Recovery
 

Hi Jesse,

Physical activity is great for your recovery, and yours sounds like quite a workout. It's even better if you actually ENJOY the physical activity, which it sounds like you do.

I hear ya about the tendency to relapse. I didn't connect alcohol (which I quit over 20 years ago) with my oxy use until I was in deep denial with the oxys. I now know that I have an addictive personality, and I really can't put myself in the position of access again. Quitting alcohol was hard, oxys were worse for me anyway.

I think using dreams are common. I still "drink" in my dreams sometimes, and in my dream I notice it with a weird sense of "what am I doing?" I don't worry about them, especially when I wake up and realize it wasn't so!

Your comment about another recovery in you struck home with me. Forgive me please for anyone who has heard me tell this story before, but, I met a guy in NA a few years ago, a sage, sober type who had seen many people come and go for years, in and out of recovery -- We were talking about how hard the first step into recovery is, and how much harder it is to stay there. We talked about people we knew who had died, and he knew more than I had. He commented, "You never know how many recoveries you have in you." That comment came back to me over and over during my failed attempts at tapering oxys over a few months, and I remembered a friend and coworker who had died of an accidental oxy overdose at age 40, leaving behind a 15 year old son. I came dangerously close to being her during my oxy use.

So, I was actually glad to hear you recognizing that us humans ("we," for the linguists out there) do have tolerances and a lifespan, and we are kinda playing with fire with the opiate poisons. They have a lot of nasty characteristics like causing respiratory depression, especially when used with other stuff.

Hang in there, dude. You can do this. This is a fight worth the effort.

Outofideas, I've been to church. It's funny cause the message is the same their as NA. Live better, love better and have contact with your god:) I think I'm just trying to run from what works. I have a real sense of shame. No one other than you fine folks here know I've relapsed and detoxed. I'm just so ashamed:(

Jesse,

The shame part is huge. Especially if you are in a "sensitive" occupation that views addiction as a job-killer.

I feel the same way. In my field, you just don't be a user. Ever. The stigma of being in "recovery" is unfortunate, but true.

If this is the best thing for you, I think many of us can relate to your need for privacy. That's okay if it doesn't isolate you, because in isolation it is easier to relapse. I think you already know this, as you seem like a real together guy. Now that you know what to do and have decided to do it, I think you can succeed.

YOU used because YOU wanted too. There are many other meds besides Vicodin. Heres an idea, maybe a non-narcotic? Its funny how we the shun responsibility when we all know damn well what will happen. Just sayin...

Have to agree here...

Get past that crap. It's hard to look ahead if you're staring at your feet, hanging your head in shame. I went through the same thing... Beating yourself up for relapsing doesn't help you move on. Recognize you made a mistake and keep going. Don't stop just because you tripped once... You'll eventually learn where all the bumps in the road are and make it to the end.

Actual pain
 

Jesse, I don't want you to feel too chastised here, at the same time I do agree with Stugotz that we are responsible for our own use.

Your experience is what I fear. I also did not seek out oxycodone when I got addicted to it. "Innocent" use with someone prone to addiction can be a real danger that can lead to relapse and regular opiate use.

I fear another surgery (I had two knee replacements back to back in 2009), or an injury that involved pain severe enough to need medication.

What I did is told my doc about my addiction to oxys. Because of the sensitivity of the issue, or the "stigma" so to speak, it was placed in my medical chart as an "adverse reaction" to opiates. As a result, if I am treated at that hospital again for ANYTHING, they will tread lightly where pain medications are concerned. It's just an added safeguard you can do, and it doesn't end up on your record anywhere that you are an "addict."

That was a hard step for me to take, but I recommend that you consider it.

By the way, the "Ignore" function on this forum means you don't even have to SEE offensive posts, if there is a problem poster bothering you. LOVE it.

I'm very aware of why I use. It's quite easy for me to stay clean. It's just those bumps in the road. My triggers so to speak. Pain being one of them.

Jesse, just wanted to stop in and say HI, I hope things are getting better for you today. I read about your dreams, and one of the interesting parts of my Parkinson's is my crazy dreams. I don;t even remember them most of the time, but my wife teases me about rolling around and kicking and having long loud discussions with things. She said she asked me two nights ago while I was sleeping "who are you talking to" and I said "That stupid chair over there"... no idea what was going on there.

I'm good today. Thanks for checking. I jumped back into exercise and fitness head first:) sleeping better and generally optimistic:) Thanks for your kind words guys. You made me smile when I was sad.

I know you love posting this in every thread, but I really don't see how it applies here. Everyone knows you have me on ignore, but constantly talking about it isn't required. It's childish at best. I don't see where there was an "offensive post" here...

Hope you are doing well Jesse, and getting better!

Just wanted to check in. 18 days clean today:) Just found out I'm having a baby girl!!! Things are good. Hope you all are well:)