SORRY! It's just this little nagging thought in the back of my head that is telling me to step it up a level in drug usage. I'm NOT going to act on it. I've been going insane for the past week because I've been sober from pills/alcohol (still smoke weed). I cannot tell you the amount of insanity I feel like I'm experiencing right now. I was going to pick up my script of Clonzapam and found out my doc had taken me off of them which was a bittersweet notion. I haven't been going out at all. I sit in this ******* apartment playing video games, drinking apple juice, smoking weed, doing sit-ups, knowing that my lease doesn't run out for 2 more weeks. It's driving me NUTS! All I want is 5 Xanax 2mgs and I'll be happy but I'm not going to do it.. and it's driving me up the ******* wall.

I actually understand Shaw. Get out, go for a walk. Keep kicking the addicts but. What ever you do keep trying to make it better, don't try to ease your misery you are feeling because then you'll just have to start over. I know your lease isn't up yet but can you go to your dads now? Go back and get your stuff, a change might help get your mind off of things.

My parents told me to tough it out. They don't really know that I have a pill problem. Well, I guess you could say they know when I admitted to my grandma that I had took 20 of her 1mg xanax that she takes half of every night to go to sleep and I consumed 20 of them in 2 days. But my moms being a real bitch about it and telling me I can't stay with her (mostly because of my step-dad). If it was just my mom living alone then I could stay with her whenever. But he runs his mouth about me not being productive, not holding a steady job, and all this other stuff which is COMPLETELY understandable but my god can't you let your boy come to his HOME when he is feeling like this??? And to top it all off, my step-dads son is sitting in jail right now waiting to be sentenced for 2 armed robberies at a gas station and Wendy's because he was on crack. Yet I can't come home because I've got all these problems but can at least keep myself from doing some stupid **** like that. It just blows my mind. I get into it with her everyday telling her this is no healthy way to live even if it is only 2 more weeks and she blows up saying "YOU'RE THE ONE WHO WANTED IT THIS WAY, I'VE HAD TO HELP PAY FOR A LOT, YOU'RE STAYING DOWN THERE!" So **** the dumb bitch then. Earlier today I was going to walk outside and shoot my windows out so I could get evicted.. just one of those urges I had to hold back..

LBad,

Thank you very much for sharing your story because I am blessed with the little reminders I have of my addiction. I look at them every day and wonder why I did this to myself. I can't believe I complain about the marks on my arms because they are not as bad as others I have seen. I am very thankful for all of the members here at SR!!