Secular Newcomers' Discussion Thread
 

If you're new in any way--to recovery, or just to secular approaches, we welcome you. Please post any questions, comments, experiences, etc. here.

No particular questions at the moment, although I'm sure many will come! I just wanted to say thank you for starting this thread OTT. I've been reading the forum, have read all of the AVRT discussion thread and... this will probably sound daft... I didn't feel like I had enough knowledge to post on it, it's very in depth and seems quite hardcore to a newcomer like me, I'm still waiting for my RR book so didn't want to dive in asking silly questions until I had more comprehension.

Super! I know where I can ask my 'silly' questions now :)

There are no silly questions...there really are not! And...this forum isn't limited to AVRT, although AVRT is certainly one secular approach. So are SMART Recovery, LifeRing, SOS, Women For Sobriety, etc. although they all have their own websites. Plus, some people don't necessary use a program or specific approach, or they will mix and match concepts and ideas from here and there, from books such as Alan Carr's, etc. The main thing we in the secular forums tend to have in common is the belief that we, rather than God or some outside force, have the power to quit our addictions.

So, the idea here is to open up a discussion for people who are new to recovery or perhaps new to using a secular approach.

Personally, I'd love to know more about what's going on with you and if there's any way we can all support you!

MyTimeNow, everyone can learn from your experiences, not just the dozens who feel as you do about posting on that beast of a Beast thread. Let 'er rip!

I am reading The Small Book and using my passion for Buddhism to get through this. I am only a week in this time but have tried countless times to quit alcohol in the past. I am finding that this forum, The Small Book and taking personal responsibility for my actions is working much better.

I've heard it said that it is not the program that keeps us sober, but the quality, depth and sincerity of the commitment that makes it work. I think that accepting responsibility for our actions and dealing with the consequences is an important part of that decision.

Yep, I tried every thing - meds, counseling, RR, SMART, CBT, rehab, AA, and more - all multiple times over a lot of years. I finally got sick enough when I drank that I truely no longer wanted to use alcohol. Now I find it easy to continue to take Antabuse. No "program" other than some of the things I learned at Brattleboro Retreat and some of the common knowledge aspects. I didn't have a chance till I really, desperately wanted to quit.

Yes...somehow, no matter what path people take, success always seems to come down to the sincere commitment to quit.

One of the things that puzzles me is why one person will get to that decision after a few hard knocks, while another person never gets there, even after losing everything.

Me too. The only thing I can think of is being able to (being forced to) face reality as opposed to clinging to delusion. I was unfortunate to not have lost much while drinking. I ended up with a Masters degree, a career, home, tons of stuff, and a couple of really great kids. It was easy to delude myself into thinking I was OK, functional. It took physical illness to make me realize how bad alcohol was for me.

I kept drinking till I was forced to face the fact that if I drank even a sip I lost control of my drinking and the drinking would escalate till I made myself sick. I would feel ill for two or more days. That was reality and I couldn't deny it. I finally decided that drinking wasn't worth the after-effects. Now I take Antabuse so that even a sip would immediately make me deathly ill. I would need to stop taking it for 12 days in order to drink without the effect. It's a way for me short circuit the stupid urges and cravings. I won't say I'm not tempted at times but I have to remember the evidence - I simply cannot drink anymore without serious discomfort.

I had a question OTT...Do you have to pay to go to SMART meetings?

I noticed that I couldn't buy any of their literature online but I can't really see why that would be the case unless you had to pay for meetings or a course or something. I was going to ring up the person who runs my nearest meeting and ask about it but it's a bit late over here now ;)

Hypochondriac, I hope that OTT will correct me as needed, but SMART meetings are free. Materials are available for purchase fromSMART Recovery Bookstore, Discover the Power of Choice!. There is also a recommended reading list at SMART Recovery® - Recommended Reading List

There are free materials online too, but they take a bit of digging to find, and I am not talking about the peer to peer filesharing sites. I found this SMART affiliated site SMART New England - Tools that might be helpful to you.

This makes so much sense to me. I started trying to get sober in Jan but only lasted 6 weeks-looking back,my commitment was not truly sincere. I feel truly committed this time

I've read the RR book and now thinking of getting the Allen Carr book.Just wondered if anyone has read both.When I look on Amazon it comes up with'how to control alcohol' Not sure this is a good idea! I think I need the 'how to quit alcohol' one

thanks
JHE

Amazon:The Easy Way to Stop Drinking, by Allen Carr.

http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/...500_AA300_.jpg

Yep, I have read them both, and they are the mainstay in my library. I can pm you my other favourites if you like.

hypochondriac,

freshstart has it right--SMART meetings are free. A donation is suggested, but not required--in that respect it's the same deal as with 12 step programs. We pass the hat, that's it.

I was a lot like you in that I was actually quite successful for a long time while I was drinking. I got a professional degree and had a nice career going, got married and had two healthy kids. It all looked so perfect that it was easy to convince myself nothing was really wrong. Even when I lost my ability to work, I rationalized that I was just sacrificing my career to raise the kids.

In the end what got me was the shame. All those years (25 years) I flew under the radar and people didn't know I drank. But I got caught in a most embarrassing way. And that was what it took. Ha, maybe pride isn't such a bad thing after all, eh?

In any event I am glad you have found that the Antabuse is the ticket for you. A question: is this something you intend to do long-term?

thanks freshstart. yes please,I'd be grateful for other recommendations too

thanks

JHE

Hello, I'm not really "new" in any way. I come and go when I feel the need for support, however it's true that I tend to "go" because the secular section isn't as active as the other sections, and for the same reasons as most of the others I do not cross over to the other side. I hope maybe this time there will me more action around here. I'll check in more often maybe...

Be the change, Poppy. Nice to see you here. Don't be a stranger!

Freshstart :)
I have just bought that Allan Carr Book... my first ever Amazon purchase ever!
Looking forward to reading it! x

i agree totally...blessed be...

I wish the secular section of SR's forums were more active too. While some here have said that they are agnostic and practicing AA, I just don't think that will work for me. My story is similar to charon's in that I have been able to get an advanced degree, have a successful career, get a lot of stuff, etc. and still drink my alcohol to excess through most of it all.

Like others here, I didn't really lose anything external by being an alcoholic, but my life has become an inner hell of paranoia, anxiety, and shame. My secretive drinking has long impacted my relationships with other people, including family members and colleagues at work. I have been living a lie, and I'm sick of having this sickening feeling.

Tomorrow will be my sixth day of sobriety. I intend to stick it out. Aside from reading about alcoholism and connecting with people here on SR, I have not yet begun other efforts. I look forward to learning more from those of you have tried secular approaches to staying sober.

Hello Blueshades and all the others, same story for me, good education, good job, good life (except for the alcohol) though recently I spend more time not drinking than drinking, however when I do pick up the glass again I drink to get drunk then have a terrible time going back to abstinence, though I know I feel 1000% better. Getting past the first few days is the most difficult for me, after 4 days I feel great and of course forget how awful I felt when I was drinking.

Congratulations on your sixth day, and thanks for your post, especially that part about the "inner hell". Yes...that's what it was like for me, too. And "living a lie", that's it exactly. For me, that was the worst part.

But doing the opposite, i.e. living a genuine life, has become something of a moral compass for me. In a way, it helps to know what living a lie feels like. Anytime I get that feeling, it's like a warning siren.

Anyway, your statement that you intend to stick it out is very telling. That's the best possible attitude to have, IMHO!

Hello.I have a question please

I know people in AA say stopping drinking is only the first bit of the problem, it's sorting life out that remains the bigger challenge. Do secular approaches believe the same? Or is it more of the case that life does improve almost automatically when we stop drinking-for me,it has,although some problems do remain? Or maybe a bit of both.

I would be interested in others' thoughts on this.I'm a month sober, feel hugely better but feel I need to address various issues about how I react to things,stop worrying about the past,let the future be what it will be and learn how to live today.

Unfortunately as far as I'm concerned, the word and connotations of God, higher power and spirituality, meditation etc etc make me feel VERY uncomfortable. This is why I cannot understand 'non secular sobriety solutions', I'm seriously not knocking it as seems to work for some. I nearly died last year. This is the time most people have epiphanys right? Well, I didn't.
I think some people are open to spirituality and the handing over of problems to God (or HP of their choice). I just can't do it. This is why 'non secular sobriety solutions' isn't for me. Maybe I am just too closed minded and cynical, well, I guess thats my problem. I have 11 months now, and although I have anxiety (my main problem for self-medicating) I have found that SR has been enough for me to keep my sobriety. SR has lots of rules and regulations, so I'm not sure if I am treading on anyones feet here. I just think that fact and common sense works for me :)

HiZee

I wasn't thinking of handing over to God or a HP.I'm not spiritual either -it's more of a case of now sober I see what issues I need to address-ones I've been ignoring whilst drunk.Not just physical things but reactions/ways of dealing with things. It is me though , no one else/HP involved

Yes, thats where the work starts! :)
For me, it is just concentrate on one thing at a time, write things down, make a check list, do alot of grovelling, write apologetic letters (creditors), swear alot, throw hands up in the air, slap forhead, swear some more, cuddle the dog, play music and come to SR (alot). Job done.... next! :rotfxko xxx

Thanks Zee

I have much work to do!!

Well, not all secular approaches are the same. The one I'm most familiar with, SMART Recovery, recognizes that while ceasing addictive behavior is a huge accomplishment, many of us, following abstinence, can benefit from learning life-balance skills. So, SMART incorporates many tools designed to help build these skills.

In my own personal situation, I found immediate benefits to simply being abstinent from alcohol. I felt better physically and emotionally simply because I wasn't poisoning myself anymore, and didn't have to deal with guilt from nightly blackouts.

But I'd been drinking for 25 years and had done some real damage to myself during that time. Basically, I had no coping skills, and I had some childhood trauma to deal with. So, although I didn't struggle horribly with abstinence per se, I certainly had work to do.

For that task, I looked to a professional who took an eclectic approach incorporating CBT principles and psychodynamic therapy. She was very creative and challenged me. I learned a lot from her. I believe the approach she used would have worked well alongside the SMART Recovery program, but at the time I was unaware that SMART even existed.

So...what sorts of things have you considered or run across that look interesting to you, or that you think might be helpful to you?

Justhadenough, some folks tie up everything into some magical knot so complicated that no human can unravel. I don't solve my problems that way, I like to chop them up into bite size pieces.

Drinking problem? Stop drinking.
Depression? See a Dr and/or a psychiatrist.
Coping difficulties? See a therapist or life coach.
Issues with God and your spiritual health? See a clergyman.

But, for heavens' sake, quit drinking first! You might learn, as I did, that everything else sorta sorts itself out! Then you get to tell yourself, I did this myself. Yay me!