First post, Need help, Can't sleep
 

Please someone help me. My name is Dom, 23, and I feel consumed by guilt, stress, and anxiety. I can barely get 3 hours of sleep at night without the use of drugs.

I just read about Anne Marie’s daughter, and when I think about it, I can’t stop crying.

I am selfish, I am a liar, and the worst part is I lie to the ones I truly love.

I started out with smoking pot 4 years ago, up until about 3 months ago when I started with cocaine. I told myself I would never snort anything (while I was smoking) but obviously that changed. I do have some bad influences (friends from my childhood). About a month ago I started to snort heroin along with cocaine, but mostly just heroin. I snorted heroin because it made me feel much better than prescription painkillers, like vicodin.

I have a girlfriend of almost 5 years now, and she has never been the wiser of my drug use. I used eye drops, showered always right before I saw her, it was methodical. I feel so bad for doing this to her, she is such a good person and I love her so much.

A couple days ago I went on vacation with 14 other members of my family in Orlando, Florida. I did not want to chance bringing any drugs on an airplane, so I finished the rest of my heroin the morning before the flight, but I still have cocaine, weed, and 1 vicodin still in my apartment. As soon as I landed in Florida I felt sick, so sick that my entire family asks me how I’m feeling every time they see me. I know this is withdrawal from heroin. As I type this I am laying on the pull out couch in our hotel room.

I haven’t been able to sleep this vacation, today I moved my flight from Saturday, to 2 days earlier, Thursday. My main reason was to do drugs 2 days sooner, I told my family that I am love sick and miss my girlfriend too much to be away from her. After I moved the flight I felt so guilty I decided to talk to one of my friends that does not abuse drugs (he smokes pot maybe twice a year). He told me why he hasn’t seen me in months. He doesn’t want to see me killing myself, but I never thought of it that way.

After a one hour talk with him, I asked him to be there when I picked up from the airport (by a druggie friend who was under the impression I was giving him lines of my leftover cocaine as payment for picking me up). He agreed and is going to flush my cocaine, because I know I won’t be able to do it without him. I have no self-control.

After that I confessed to another sober friend, who called me a scumbag (he does care about me) but it’s true, I am a complete scumbag. Then, I confessed to my cousin, turning 24 on Thursday, and he got mad at me for having no self-control, but did tell me to call him the next time I am thinking about buying drugs, or sitting infront of a line.

I’m scared that I won’t be able to do it, that I’ll continue to use drugs, lie to the ones I love, and possibly die. When I think about this, I cry.

I am still feeling the effects of withdrawal, but not as bad as the first couple days of vacation with my family. I just sit in the hotel room all day, miserable. I pretend to sniff something just to calm myself down for a minute or 2. I am ashamed.

I have been going to therapy with my parents twice a month but I feel I can never let my parents know about my drug problem. And especially, my girlfriend of 5 years. I moved out my parents house 4 months ago.

So this is early Wednesday morning, tomorrow I’ll be flying home alone, and this is reason for my post, reaching out for help. Do I tell my parents about my problem, do I tell my girlfriend? Can I actually take all this stress and anxiety to the grave?

I am sorry for the long post.

Hi Dom, sorry you are going through this.... I definitely think you should tell your girlfriend and also check into a inpatient treatment program. I dont have any experience with drugs, but know that it has ruined my brothers life (who is now in prison) and many others. I think it is great that you have talked to your non-drug abuser friends about this and they are willing to help you out. Im glad you came to this site, and Im sure you will get some advice soon from other members that have more experience and knowledge than me. I will say a prayer for you....

Thank you for the post wiscgirl30, I feel I was able to get on this forum early, because of my experience on auto forums for the past 6 years. If it wasn't for this vacation, I wouldn't have stopped and I'd still be hiding it. Withdrawal really opened my eyes to what I've been doing.

The last time I saw my therapist, I told him my life was a 9.5 out of 10. I can't believe I said that, it was a 9.5 because of heroin. I hadn't even talked to my parents the entire 2 weeks inbetween meetings. :(

Hi, Im Sharon and Im an Alcoholic.

That WAS my drug of choice mainly because i was nieve and scared to know about other drugs out there. Fear of the unknown and what it would do to me.

After reading ur post Dom, i felt scared. What if that were me. I havent a clue as to what would have happened to me if i had done drugs.

I will confess i did smoke very little weed, pot, doobie, a bomb i guess thats what they called it...sooooo nieve....back when in the 70's and hallucinated once when someone dusted my joint with angel dust. It SCARED the SH*T out of me.

Anyway....i stuck to what i felt comfortable and that was drinking.

My alcohol began to stop working for me back in Feb. 90 when after coming home from a local club i ran off the road and hit a concret culvert sitting on top the ground. I was picked up by the EMS truck which i dont remember. Spent 10 days in the hospital with them removing my spleen are else i would have bled to death.

The next 3 months i healed nicely with the help of pain pills. As soon as there was no more pain to heal i picked up a drink in Aug and hit bottom. The PROGRESSION of my disease was extremely rapid that I tried to end my miserable lfe.

With an attempt to die with pain pills and alcohol, my family stepped in and did an intervention on me and sent me to rehab where i spent 28 days there.

I replaced alcohol with the tools of recovery which i so desperatly wanted.

I was sick and tired of being sick and tired of the way i was feeling, the lyeing, decieving, sneeking, etc. to myself and others around me. I was tired of feeling miserable.

I picked up the tools of recovery...the 12 Steps to guide me one day at a time to live a clean and sober life.

With help and guidance from people in these rooms and the faith in a Higher Power...Someone GREATER than I I continue on my recovery journey by sharing what it was like before, during and after alcohol.

By sharing my ESH with others I am staying sober myself, getting out of my own selfish thinking and helping the newcomer to stay clean and sober.

I know today that I CAN'T stay sober on my own. I never could and never will. I have to rely on others to help me. Im POWERLESS over that first drink...just like being POWERLESS over that first DRUG.

To drink for me today would be to DIE. I dont want to die. I tried and I guess it wasnt my time to go yet.

My HP had other plans for me and that is to help others to stay clean and sober by sharing my experiences strengths and hopes with them.

Dom u r in a good place here amongst many people traveling the same road of recovery. Lots are just starting out. Some take a step forward and several steps back, but they continue to suit up and show up determined to stay clean and sober.

You can too by replacing ur drugs of choice for the TOOLS of recovery.

Return here and continue to post and read and ask for help..thats what we r here for.

Thanks for letting me share.

Hi Dom,

It's good to see that you took an action when you knew you were in trouble. Your drug route sounds very similar to mine, starting with pot and moving on to almost everything else. The important thing is that you see it. Most addicts have some detrimental turning point in their life, where everything falls apart at the "bottom" and then they realize there is a problem. Be very proud of yourself for this self-realization. It's a very scary thing, but it will get easier with each day.

As far as telling the people in your life, those are decisions that have to be your own choices. I would maybe think about yourself, put yourself in their shoes (your girlfriend's, for example), and think what you would want her to do for you. It's always a tough call. For me, the truth always comes out. I have an amazingly easy time hiding things, but when the real issue surfaces and I realize how much trouble my well-being is in or how badly I've treated someone, I can't keep hiding. If I don't come out with the truth, I'd be harboring it inside for the rest of my life.

You're off to a good start, even if you don't feel like you are at this minute. You'll have to make some decisions, and they won't be easy. But it sounds like you have a suport system in place, which is an incredible help when starting out in recovery.

We're all human beings, ya know? We (addicts) are aware of our mistakes and faults and weaknesses, but we also have to forgive ourselves. Addiction is a progressive disease, and we've got to do the best to fight it with everything we've got. Stay positive. Mutual love between two people is an understanding love, and I hope that everything works out for you and your girlfriend.

We are here if you need anything. Come back whenever, especially if things get tough. :)

Take care,
Jennifer

:Val004: Dom Welcome to SR!

Question.....does the therapist know about the drug addiction? I am assuming not because you see him/her with your parents, if this is the case, schedule a meeting with him/her one on one and tell the truth, get some professional help. I know there are taper drugs available to make coming clean easier and I am sure others will be along soon who can tell you more about them, I was fortunate enough not to have to use them but from what I have read, they help.

From personal experience.......
On the subject of telling your parents and girlfriend, this is up to you but I know that for me, telling the ones closest to me was VERY important in my recovery for several reasons. First of all, it made them aware and me accountable so that I couldnt lie to them and myself about it anymore. It made me HAVE to face the addiction.Secondly, it opened up a whole new support system for me. It helped them help me to stay away from the triggers that would cause me to use. It also made me realize who my true friends were because when I stopped using, suddenly my druggie "friends" came around less and less while friends that were a positive in my life started to come around more. It is amazing what people can see that you think they cant.

Keep your chin up hun, you are embarking on a whole new and sometimes scarey world here but you CAN do this. and yanno what, your gonna find that it is a whole lot better to live life sober!!!! Its not an easy road to hoe but it is one that can be done and you will be so much better for it, so will your loved ones! Keep reading and posting, we are all here for you, check out the addiction forums as well, this site is so awesome, it literally has saved my life!!!! Keep us posted!!!!
Again, Welcome, and congrats, you have taken the first major step in recovery.....acknowledging the problem!!!! Feel free to pm me anytime as well!!!!
Liss

Hi and welcome Dom,
you are no longer all alone.
Solutions can be found in recovery programs.
There is fellowship,and learning a new way to live.
Find out where the meetings are in your area.
There is hope,
there is help.

Thank you so much Sharon! After laying here thinking about my post I feel that with constant posting, and knowing that ALL you guys out there are watching me, I can stop. I want to stop drugs completely, it's just that I SEE myself hanging out and smoking pot, and I SEE myself sitting next to someone who is doing a line, how can I resist that? I don't want to leave these friends. :( I want them to stop too, with me, but I know that can't happen.

I am also VERY afraid to tell my parents and girlfriend, I feel like she will leave me in a second, and that would be the worst thing to ever happen to me.

I am amazed at these replies within minutes of my post. I absolutely love you guys.

I did not tell my therapist about the drugs, but now I will schedule a meeting alone with him and tell him.

I will continue posting, and I'll let you guys know what happens when I get home.

:Val004: Dom

Awesome hun!!!! Dont think of it as "leaving" your friends, think of it as saving your life, if they are truely your friends, they will respect what you have to do for you and withstain from offering etc. I had to get away from mine for a long time, now 2 years later, I still see some of them and they know not to induldge in front of me because I might not be able to say NO. But I did have to take a break for awhile at first. They understood, some are even sober today as well. I hope you have a smooth flight, I pray your friend helps you sweep your apartment of everything! Stay strong, you are on your way!!!!
On a sidenote, just curious but have you ever heard of or played the online game TFC?
Anyway, give us a shout when ya get home!!!!
:Val004: Liss

Dom,

You need to start to believe that you are not a bad person. That is part of the addiction process, that your mind tells you things that are not true. Lying is part of addiction and most of us have done a lot of that too. If you buy into the 'bad person' stuff, you'll have an even harder time stopping drugs. You need to believe you are a good, worthwhile person who has an addiction. And, you can stop and yes, it will be hard. We've all been there and understand what you're going through.

You can stop and have your life back if you want to. We're here to offer support and encouragement.

Posting here has been such a great step. Thank you ALL for taking the time to help me. I feel stronger now, but the real test will be when I get back to my real life.

Liss, sorry but I've never played that online game. But those smilies make me feel like you care about me. :)

My therapist has also told me (infront of my parents) that I need to stop thinking I'm a bad person.

He knows about other indulgences, like a car. I had to go out and buy my dream car 1,000 miles away when I knew I couldn't afford the insurance. I was in a fog when buying it (smoked 1/2 an ounce on the 49 hour trip to buy it), and recently sold it (luckily). Driving the car was a natural high, it made me happy but it was hurting me financially the whole time.

My therapist know I beat myself up all the time, after thinking about it, he might know about a drug addiction. I'll let you guys know how he reacts when I tell him.

I'll be honest with you guys right now, as I sit here, I feel I can let my friend flush the cocaine, but I WANT to keep the 1 gram of weed and the 1 vicodin (I know it's a small amount but it's so easy to get more).

I really don't drink alcohol, I have a weak stomach and it makes me sick very easily. I'm a skinny guy at 5'11" and 140-150 lbs, so when I don't eat well I really feel it.

Thanks again for all the support, I feel like there are people cheering me on to do the right thing!

Hi Dom. Welcome to SR. You have made the most important step by realizing that there is a problem, and believe me, posting here should help more than you know.

I think that telling your family and your girlfriend about what you are going through is an incredibly personal choice. I'm glad you have decided to tell your counselor. I'm sure that will help the process tremendously. As for me, the last day I drank, I called all my friends, and my whole family, and told them that I was an alcoholic and that I couldn't drink anymore. I told them that I did not want to have to cut them out of my lives, but I could not be around them if they were drinking. Everyone was incredibly supportive, and I am now surrounded by people who truly care about me and my wellbeing, not just my drinking buddies who hang out to have a good ol' drunk time.

We are all so very proud of you to get this far. As far as the friends who don't understand what you are going through...some people just don't understand addiction. As hard as it may sound, don't be too down on yourself for things other people say. Keep you eye on beating this thing. People will be there for you. You need to concentrate on YOU right now.

You're in my thoughts. :Val004: :Val004: :Val004:

Thank you for this post it helps a lot. My friends had me convinced that I lived 2 lives. To them, it was "high Dom" and "Dom when his GF was around".

To me, it was "good Dom" and "bad Dom", but after your post I see 1. I see good Dom with an addiction problem.

I just talked to my cousin (turning 24 Thursday) outside, and he said "you put me in a very difficult spot, if you continue to use drugs, and something happens, it will be MY fault for not intervening". After he said that I PROMISED him that I will call him FIRST.

One more thing I'd like to add. About 3 years I lost my faith. I stopped going to church and I'm afraid I did it because of pot. I have disgused this with my GF, she was okay with it, but we agreed to have Christianity as a structure for our children.

In my experience, when I am involved in church (though Im not right now, but will again), it turns my life around like a complete 180. Hope you will think about going back too, but of course thats your choice. Since you mentioned it, I am assuming you are already headed that way. :) How old are you by the way?

Welcome to SR Dom.:banana: I'm glad you're hear taking this first step. Like many have already said, telling your GF and parents is a personal decision. I would get into your therapist as soon as you can to discuss your addictions. You might consider an inpatient treatment. If that is not a possibility you could speak to your therapist about a good outpatient treatment.

SR has saved me for sure! I'm an alcoholic. Never did like any drugs I tried thank goodness, I always liked the alcohol "high" the best. Except, of course, for the blackouts, hangovers, fights, getting kicked out of bars, drunken phone calls, hurting loved ones, lying, hiding the bottles, missing work and throwing up. Other than that, it was great. ;)

I'm proud of you for being here. Stay strong. Let your friend flush it all and keep your promise to call your cousin. Promises are hard to keep when you're going through this but important for your sobriety.

:Val004:

~doll

I'm 23, turning 24 soon. My GF is just a month older.

Just want to let everyone know I've read their posts at least 5 times each and they are most important things anyone has said to me. Thanks for taking the time, and thanks for caring.

It WILL get better Dom. I promise.

Keep coming back to SR and let us know how you are doing.

:Val004:

:Val004: Dom
I was just curious as to the game because I had an online friend from NY that sounds a lot like you, I was thinking WOW what a co-inky-dink it woulda been LOL. And yup, I DO care about you and I am always here if ya need me!!!! Stay strong, your gonna do great!!!!!
:Val004: Liss

I am so proud of you, Dom!! It takes tremendous courage to come to terms with a drug addiction.

Please let us know how it goes with the therapist. For me, my hitting bottom moment was something my therapist said to me about my choice not to live my life. She didn't know about the alcohol, but was talking about other factors. This was the wake-up call I needed. So I think telling your therapist is a truly important step to help you stay honest -- like others have said, the disease of addiction is also about lying. It is very easy to slip back into those old lies.

As for telling your girlfriend, you may feel so much better after telling her. It sounds like you love each other very much, and for me, if I was in her shoes, I couldn't help but respect you and try to help. She may have a suspicion, anyway. Like ****, I too told all my family and close friends the day I quit drinking. I have lost only one friend (someone who I suspect has a drinking problem as well), but I realized that we weren't the kind of friends I had thought. We were drinking buddies. Sure it was painful to lose her as a friend, but there are so many more benefits of sobriety.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!! Find a meeting in your area, if you can. It will at least give you somewhere to go and something to do at those times when you're feeling vulnerable to that "little voice" inside.

:Val004:

Dom
Look online for AA or NA, find a meeting close to you and go. They are filled with people just like you and I just waiting for you to walk through the doors so that they can help you. You will make new "sober " friends and they will help teach you how to overcome this addiction. It is free, what do you have to lose?? Alot I assume......

Christie

Keep moving forward. Talk with your counselor. Be honest and try to stay away from your using friends once you get back. If you hook up with them, you may leap right back into your drug use. You have already been going through detox, why go through it again? I would read as much literature and books about drug addiction that you can and also would suggest trying NA meetings. The best thing to do when getting clean, is to come clean. Be honest to yourself and your loved ones. It can be very exhilerating to get our dirty little secrets out in the open and off of our shoulders. We are only as sick as the secrets we keep. You don't have to shout it out to the world, but I'm sure there are those who deserve an explanation. You may believe that people don't know about your drug use, but it would be my guess that they have noticed some peculiar behavior and suspect something is up.You don't have to cry anymore. Move forward and heal. The next tears you cry can be tears of joy.

At this point I do not feel ready to go to an NA meeting. Please understand I have a low self-esteem (always feel like people are looking at me, analyzing me, and judging me). This causes some panic attacks that I told my therapist about. It mostly happens while I'm driving, I grip the steering wheel tight, I feel my throat close up, and my whole body tenses up. A few minutes later I forget about it and move on.

I have a great job in a Union (don't want to say what Union) and there is a program I can goto. The guy that runs the meeting says he was on heroin for 20 years. At the time he spoke to us, I only smoked pot, but I listened closely because I know I have a low self-control. I was smoking on the way to Union school, and also on the way home from Union school.

I spoke to my Dad today, we usually do 90 minutes every other Wednesday, I asked him and my mom to leave after 45 minutes. When they do, I'm going to read to my therapist all the posts in this thread. I'm going back to the therapist 1 week from today.

I have trouble thinking on the spot, I get very emotional, and I feel if I don't read off paper, I will chicken out.

Thank you Christie and 2dayzmuse, but please understand I am very scared to tell my family and my girlfriend. When I close my eyes and think about it, my throat closes up right away.

Dom
I understand your hesitation about the meetings. But really all of the people there have or have had low self esteem when they were using. You don't have to talk at these meetings just introduce yourself and tell them it is your first meeting. You will be shocked at that these people are soooo willing to accept you into there lives and help you.

Christie

:Val004: Dom
Telling your family and girlfriend are choices that only you can make when you are ready!! When I was using, I had low self esteem, the longer I didnt use, the stronger I became and the more self esteem I gained. You will too. I also have a panick disorder for which I have been medically treated for years. Some times I get so bad that the agoraphobia kicks in and I cant leave the house, when your in the car and feel like your being looked at etc, try a distraction, like for instance, think to yourself what the person would do if you waved or picked your nose:C023: or something off the wall, LOL bet they look away totally embarressed for being caught looking!!!!!! Or maybe just a smile, maybe they find you attractive or are curious to the music your listening to etc....people who look arent always looking for negative reasons. I cant wait until you get to talk to the therapist alone, I bet you will feel so much better!!!!
Meanwhile, we are here for support!!! for ourselves and eachother!!!!!! Im so glad you found us!!!! Stay strong!!!
Liss

Dom - I can relate to everything you've said here. It seems every time I go to the Dr. I forget what I should be telling them. I try to get things written down first. It really does help. And the low self-esteem I know all about that. I don't go to meetings very often at all but when I do it feels like my heart will pounds out of my chest. Of course that only lasts for about one minutes. Nonetheless, I can relate to you.

The first steps you have taken are great. 1) you made it here to SR 2) you plan to see your therapist and talk about your addiction.

Take baby steps....it will take some time but you WILL get there. You've got to start somewhere and you're doing great so far.

~doll

It has gotten much worse...

As I was finishing typing my last post, my GF was calling me.

I answered the phone all emotional, she got it out of me. She got everything out of me. I tried to tone down the amount of my usage, but otherwise I told her all.

She was completely oblivious. She started crying hysterically, said it was all a bad bad dream, a nightmare and she wants to wake up. How could I have done this to her? She is such a perfect person. She said druggies are druggies for life (she has a master's degree in Industrial/Organizational Psychology). She said it will have a negative affect on our children. I tried to tell her this is first day of my new life, my better life, but it only worsened how she was feeling. We are 1,000 miles apart until tomorrow night.

I called her twice since then and she did not answer. At dinner I asked my Dad to come outside and talk to me. I told him nothing about drugs, but that Kate feels I have lied and deceived her about the amount of debt I'm in. $15,000 in 2 credit cards. I asked him if I can move back home asap, he said he will talk to my mom. I asked him to be my financial supervisor (to stop me from making more immature mistakes). He told me to get a 2nd job and pay off the $15k in debt in one year. I agreed.

I also told my Dad that if I lose Kate, I will commit suicide, because its the ******* truth. I love her so much and I can't imagine life without her. She thinks that she doesn't know me, that she never knew me. My god why did I tell her? She just caught me at a bad time and I was weak. It has gotten 10 times worse.

edit: So much for baby steps... :(
At this point I feel like I do not need my friend to flush the rest of my drugs, I can 100% do it myself when I get home. I can'tstop thinking about Kate and I feel I will not sleep at all tonight.

Hey Dom -- I'm so sorry to see how much pain you're in. I am sure Kate's reaction was mostly out of shock. If she didn't suspect anything, then she will need time to work through everything. Just like you do! It won't be easy (as you already know)

I think you are doing the right thing by being honest with your dad about the financial situation you are in. It is a great step to be able to ask for that kind of help.

You are not alone!! Stay with us! We all know how hard it is for you and sometimes you just can't control your emotions (especially when you're still detoxing). You are going to have to be patient with Kate and with yourself.

Be gentle with yourself and don't lose hope. What you're doing is the right thing!

Prayers for you!
Saz

I'm sorry for the way your gf reacted to the news about your drug use. Surely you can imagine her shock. I still believe you did the right thing in telling her. She needs time to process everything and think it through. If you are truly serious about stopping and getting your life cleaned up, you are going to have to make some serious changes. Your gf would see these changes and be curious about why and what is going on. I think she would have found out eventually and better it comes from you then someone else. If she truly cares, she will stand by your side. You want to quit. That is the focus. You can not change your past, only your future. It will take time for her to accept this, if she can. Talks about suicide...not cool. There is nothing worth taking your life over. There is always a viable solution to any problem. Stop and think and breathe. You haven't harmed anyone, you are young and you have the support of your family. Don't do anything rash. You can work through it. It takes time to resolve things. Give it time and stick with a recovery plan. Keep up the open communication with your family. I know you are upset about your gf, but give it time. Things will settle down. Take it one day at a time. Talk with someone if you become to overwhelmed with your feelings.

:bigcry

I'm sorry for talking about suicide, I just cannot imagine living without her.

Tonight we talked sparaticly for hours on the cellphone. She is very hurt, and I understand how she feels. After hours of asking for her forgiveness, I laid in bed and thought about what I really need.

If she wants to end our relationship, there is nothing I can do to stop her. I called her one last time, and I said:

"Your my best friend, if anything, I need your support because without you I feel I could get worse. Today was the worst day of my life, but it's my first step into maturity and doing the right thing. I can EARN your trust back. If you give me ONE more chance, I know I will never disappoint you again."

She said several times that she doesn't want to see me, I sicken her. I really hope this changes.

I know it should feel good to let it out to the girl I truely love, but I have to admit the pain I feel now is worse than withdrawal.

She also added that if my parents knew, they would kick me out for good, I will tell my therapist about ALL of this, but I refuse to ever tell my parents.