Hello
 

Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is GreenTea. Today I've finally admitted to myself that I am an alcoholic.

I've been arrested twice in the last week. Once for a DUI and last night for public drunkenness. I have a court date in August and another in September.

I had to post bond for both arrests -- total amount was $3,230 between the two of them. It has wiped out my savings and I don't know how I'm going to pay my July bills. My boss helped me post bond both times, accepting a wire transfer from my bank and even loaning me some money until I could repay him at the ATM machine. Today my co-worker also helped.

I haven't been fired yet, but I'm slowly giving my boss no other choice. I seem to have been on a path of self-destruction since April. I'm very scared.

I'm divorced, no kids and live alone (just me and the cat). My girlfriend moved back to her home State a few months ago. My girlfriend is very supportive and we do miss each other.

I found an AA meeting in my area. I will be joining tomorrow morning. I found this site tonight.

Basically I'm an idiot. I don't know why I've engaged in this destructive behavior, but alcohol is at the center of it. I realize now that I am powerless when it comes to alcohol use. One beer turns to two, two turns to four, and by then who cares anymore?

I'll find an excuse to go out -- see a favorite local band; work has been rough; I feel a need to have people around me -- it doesn't matter, they're all excuses, and I've admitted it to myself.

I read the book "Under The Influence" and it seemed to help for a while. But self-knowledge only carries you so far unless you actually admit you have a problem -- and I do have a problem.

I've pretty much lost all my friends. I have no money. I don't know how to regain the relationships with my boss and co-workers. I'm scared spitless right now. The thought of incarceration and loss of my job shakes me to the core. I've been homeless before (two months prior to joining the military many years ago) and I don't want to repeat that. I won't survive if I'm sent to jail.

Thoughts of suicide have crept into my mind a few months ago, but I think I'm past them now. I guess I've been acting out since then. I've really screwed myself over these past few weeks and I don't know why. I've really screwed myself over and alcohol use is at the center of it. I'm an alcoholic and I see that now. I simply can not drink "normally" and I hope I can salvage my life.

I'm scared.

I'm joining AA tommorow. Afterwards I'm going to email my boss and tell him so. Hopefully he'll see that as effort on my part to stop this behaviour and show improvement. I also have an appointment for an evaluation in a few weeks.

I'm not looking to AA to "escape" what I've done. I'm sincerely hoping it will help me. I'm planning to go to meetings throughout the week in order to help find some support as I try to eliminate alcohol from my life. I hope to find someone I can call and talk to when the craving starts again.

I've been arrested twice in a week.

I'm very scared.

Thank you for letting me share.

Welcome to SR! It's great to see you are starting to work on your recovery :wink: Congratulations!

"Under" comvinced me to quit drinking
the info on brain and liver enzymes specifically.

I also use AA and it's a great way to connect with
other alcoholics.
You can find so many awesome friends

Keep in touch with us..we care and you are not alone.

Welcome to SR Greentea, Glad you found us.I can relate to you saying once you start you carnt stop.That sounds so familier...too many im sure.

Im glad you realize it as a problem.Good Luck at the meeting,as CarolD said, you'll meet a Great Bunch of pepole just like you..!

:Val004:

GreenTea,
Welcome to SR!! A great place to be..congratulations on taking the first steps towards recovery..as alcoholics,(you are by no means an idiot) we can be self-destructive, but we can repair ourselves with sobriety..hope to see more posts by you..

Hello and welcome to SR! It sounds like you've done a lot of careful thinking and are on the right track, and we're certainly glad to have you visit us here!
:Val004:
Did you get to the meeting last night? How was it?

Welcome to SR Green Tea, I can relate to a lot of what you've said also....congrats on chosing LIFE.

Great post, I agree it looks like you've looked real hard at what addictions been doing to you...ahhh time for FREEDOM from this beast.

Wishing you all the best in your journey to sobriety....

:Squat: here's to building up strength.

Welcome Greentea, you are at the beginning of a great journey that we are all on together. We have all made horrible decisions that have devastated our lives in one way or another. I was never arrested, but I came close to being arrested with an amount of a particular substance that would have guaranteed my incarceration for many years. The experience was so harrowing that it caused me to step back and say "What exactly are you doing? What in the world do you have to gain? What do you have to lose?" These fundamental questions I have to ask myself from time to time.

I commend you on your decision to seek help in AA. I myself have been attending AA, and the stories of hope and the experience of others in recovery is awe inspiring to me. I love being able to see people go through the worst in life and come out so full of hope and desire to live. You will find the answers you are looking for and become a better person.

Best of luck,
Chris

Hi GreenTea,
Your name caught my attention. Your words compel me to respond.
Isolation is a component of addiction that both rises from the addiction AND allows it to continue unabated. Very good you're reaching out to connect. Left alone, to your own devices, you're stumbling blind and stuck in a loop. Outside perspective in necessary to get outside your own best thinking, to find ways around it. So good you're here.

I hear that you're scared, both of the consequences of your actions, and your addiction. Neither is insurmountable. You can begin change today, every day is another opportunity, and that provides the necessary hope we need to progress in a positive direction. Your court dates will go FAR BETTER if you have no further arrests and are taking action toward the positive change before then. AA is an ideal place for you to begin. It's nothing to do with "escape". On the contrary, it's all about finding connections, to others, and to self. No more running. No more excuses. No more living in the horrors of addiction. There is hope.

When I found this site I was on the edge of hopelessness, set to give up and give in to the addict-thinking that consumed me. But this element of hope, knowing that change toward the positive IS possible, NOT alone but rather ENGAGING WITH others, provides the foothold we need to be able to continue walking forward. The firmer grounding you have, the more trust you have that it can and does work, so you take another step forward, and then another...

You know that in the dark of your own mind you're not going anywhere but sinking down into the bog. Know you're NOT an idiot, you're an addict in need of help. That's why we're all here. You're in good company here, and we're not idiots either, rather we're addicts, just like you. Looking for ways out of our own self-destructive behaviors and mindsets. Read posts across the boards, you'll see recovery IS possible, a better life IS within your grasp, you need not live trapped by your addict-thinking brain. There is another side, and there is HOPE. You've already achieved some necessary insights to begin the necessary changes, there is self-awareness in you about your addiction, and the desire to change. Honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness are all that's necessary to get involved in AA/ NA, so to find the tools and help (outside perspective) you need. And know we're here too. Wishing you well...

Hey Green Tea,

We have all been where you are at, feeling scared, lonely and like we have caused our world to cave in on us. One positive thing to hold onto, your boss obviously thinks highly of you or wouldn't have assisted with bail and stuff. Maybe say thank you and look to your boss as a possible source of support. Same for your co worker.

In terms of AA, it will not provide you an escape, there you will be asked to really take responsibility for what you have done and be accountable. That's the nature of the steps.

I know that my world fell in like yours and I even had passing thoughts of suicide. Don't give in to that depression, there is all sorts of help out there for it and you have so much to live for.

My thoughts are with you and good luck. Most importantly, welcome, thank you for sharing and being here.

Peace, Levi.

Thank you all for the caring responses and perspective. I'm screaming out for help and you guys are embracing me rather than pushing me away. That's not something I'm used to.

Thank you.

I went this morning and I'm glad I did. I have a temporary sponsor and about two dozen other phone numbers. I've got some reading to do and then I'm supposed to call my sponsor later. I'll be going to another meeting later tonight.

If I would have tried this ten years ago I would have had a lot of mental reservations and would have been looking for reasons why I don't belong there. That isn't the case today. I definitely see the commonality and the willingness on everyone's part to be truly supportive. As I said, I'm glad I went and I will be going back again. Ninety meetings in ninety days is what my sponsor set as a goal and I intend to meet that goal.

After the meeting I called my boss to let him know. His reaction was good. I also left a message for my co-worker in addition to some messages for other people. I also called my lawyer and left him a message to let him know.

This is truly voluntary on my part. No one told me to go, no one suggested it, (they even asked if I needed to have something signed for a judge and I didn't). Its truly voluntary on my part, and I think that may make a big difference in my attitude towards the whole thing. I'm not just paying lip service. I'm genuine in my desire.

"Once you start you can't stop -- one is too many and a keg isn't enough". It helps to know that others have experienced the same thing, that it isn't just me who experiences this nightmare. And it is a nightmare.

The concept of an addictive or alcoholic mindset is new me, or rather my awareness and acceptance of it is new to me I guess. I think I'm starting to understand a little better how those thought processes work. I'm starting to realize just how much of my time I've been spending thinking about drinking, whether its the anguish that comes from it, or the self-cons that enable it.

I've quit drinking more times than I can count. I think this may be the first time I've instead decided to start living.

Thank you again for your supportiveness.

Take a notebook and have it signed at each meeting.

It may come in handy later on and it's no big deal

:funjump: Take care...

Welcome to SR Greentea!

I'm so glad you found this place as it's a great supplimental source of support.

I relate a lot to your initial fears. I was so afraid when I finally admitted to my alcoholism. It is a scary thing. Big time. But look at you... you are on the right path now. Not everyone who ends up an alcoholic can come to that realization. You have. So now you are doing something about it. That takes courage and tells of an internal spirit that you may not even know you have yet. You can do this and you don't have to do it alone.

So welcome!

Suga

Interesting how important it is to be able to relate to others, to know you're not some freak unique case, that your experience is shared by others and that recovery is possible. Therein we learn trust and hope and find that necessary foothold to begin walking a different path than the familiar one we know all too well. So good to see your willingness in walking this new direction. That opening chapter of the NA basic text is POWERFUL, instructive, letting you know you're not alone, and neither can you recover alone. Yet NO-ONE can force you to do anything you're not willing to do for yourself. As much as we have to rely on and trust others, without willingness nothing we read or hear will do any good. You wouldn't want to be FORCED into compliance anyway. I hear you that you're genuine, and I believe you.

I'm very much like you that way, if I'm forced into anything my SOLE FOCUS becomes getting out of it. I'm not being forced to get off these drugs that so consume me for any other reason than my own desire to stop being so consumed by these drugs that so consume me. You do have "extra motivation" in your arrests and court dates and the consequences, though as you're WELL AWARE, even threat of incarceration or restricted freedoms won't stop someone who wants to use.

You don't have to live in the nightmare of addiction. You can wake up. Some of us need a good firm shaking awake to rouse us from our slumber. Everything you can do to jolt yourself into awareness is to your benefit. I'm so happy to see you're allowing others in to your head to help shake you awake. It's quite spectacular how far one can see once they open up their eyes.

I see a lot of hopeful potential in you to get beyond active addiction. Post on!

((((Green Tea)))) Welcome to SR! Glad you found us. Thank you for your honesty. I truly beilieve that if you can keep that up, you will be able to do whatever you want to do. For me, honesty is the key to keeping my recovery.

I think Carol's advice about the notebook is good advice. It certainly can't hurt and people will be happy to sign for you.

Hope you will stick around!

...The importance of relating to others... I've been mainly a loner my whole life. The details of the contributing factors don't matter at this point. What does matter is that the older I get, the more I see how much I actually do need other people. I don't mean so much for the workings of this machine we call society. I mean in order to be a person. At the meeting tonight my eyes kept being drawn to the big placard on the desk which says "You Are Not Alone". It means a lot to me -- I'm still learning just how much.

I'm following the advice of my temporary sponsor. I got off the phone with him a little while ago. He says he's proud of me.

I took your suggestion about a notebook and stopped off on the way home tonight to pick one up. I'm using it as a log -- date, time, place and a short personal summary of some things I took away from the meeting.

Something I didn't mention yet was that about three weeks ago I was also pulled over coming home late one night (early morning). The officer thought I was racing and trying to elude him. I wasn't but that doesn't matter. We talked for a bit and he eventually let me walk home.

When he first stopped me, he rushed out of his car, pistol drawn, finger on the trigger and aimed right at my heart. I stood there with my hands up, and I remember thinking "You know, this would just be so easy right now". What do they call that, "suicide by police"? It shook me up. But I guess that only lasted about a week or so. I wish it had shook me up enough that I would have started with AA then, instead of me waiting for the subsequent arrests. Stupid me.

The theme of tonight's meeting seemed to be gratitude. Part of my log entry says "I'm grateful that I wasn't shot, that I didn't hurt anyone or anything, that I didn't hurt myself, that I have a boss who's been so utterly patient with me, and that for the first time in my life, I believe I don't have any denial issues to overcome".

I think its that lack of denial issues that's helping so much at this point. Without that obstacle to overcome, my desire to actually get better is coming through.

Thanks for reading.

Welcome GT. In reading your thread what strikes me is the sadness I feel. The sadness that comes from alcoholism and how it ruins lives. I allowed alcohol to ruin my life and take me to the bottom emotionally, physically and mentally.

You can rise above and you are on the right path in doing so. You can repair the damage and thrive even further then you ever imagined possible. Never give up hope. You can be set free from the grips of alcoholism. It is your choice and you are taking action now. Keep it up. You and those around you will surely reap the benefits.

Hi Green Tea!

Just want to tell you that it's going to be okay. I was not scared but terrified.. and it was what kept me from quitting for years.. but I did it and so can you. Glad your going to give it a try. Work it hard and lean on those who are still making it sober.

Interconnectedness. We're all part of the Whole. Humans are social beings. We're human. And interdependent. Independent loner-types though some of us may be. It's a cornerstone of recovery, getting outside the confines of your own head, your own best thinking, to allow external input to enter in. So to receive the benefits of interconnection, so to know you're not alone in this. Really GreenTea, your honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness, inspire ME. I've been at this awhile now, and still so resistant to open up to others, follow the direction/ directive of others, trust others...while knowing the extreme relevance of doing so, otherwise we stumble blind through unfamiliar territory, as we try to move away from the old familiar habits of which we're accustomed (escape, evading, avoiding, isolation, deception, denial, etc.), toward recovery of mind and self and life itself.

You really have a lot to offer, and a lot to gain through sobriety and recovery. Very good to see you here.

Good day, GT! Glad to hear you got to the meeting. You've got great courage in telling your boss, lawyer and co-worker - much admiration, here! Hopefully that will convert them from possible hazards to potential sources of support. You're off to a wonderful start, and it certainly sounds like you're a determined (and very well-organized left brain-type) person :) Keep us posted, we'll help you every day!:c011:

your honesty and willingness is amazing and inspirational.

Welcome! Hope you stick around!
JMHS

Thank you again, everybody. Your feedback really does help!

I was planning to go to a 7:00pm today, and I almost didn't go. Some self-cons started creeping in -- "oh, I don't want to get overwhelmed by the whole thing", and "let what you've already done settle in a little".

I thought about it for a few seconds, and came to the conclusion that it was just laziness on my part, followed by "well, you've been through a lot in a short time, so a little laziness is okay".

After that I came to this board and read some of your responses. Something in your replies resonated and -ding- I realized what was really going on... I was doing another set of self-cons. In other words, some of the first hints of craving started to creep into my thought patterns! ... Get even a little distance from what is keeping me from drinking and I'm a millimeter (or mile) closer to picking up a beer again. Insidious, huh?

I know it was a self-con because its ringing true in my heart. Its nice to know that that touchstone hasn't left me completely.

Anyway, I read some of your posts and hopped into my car and got to the meeting early instead of skipping it. And I'm glad I did.

It was a good meeting and I enjoyed it. During the meeting I noticed a couple other self-cons trying to creep into my thoughts. I compared them to what I had just experienced not an hour before and saw them for what they were. More hints of the craving entering my thought patterns.

Thanks everybody! Its your feedback that's helped keep me on this path.

. . .

I appreciate what you're all saying about the HOW -- honesty, openness and willingness. Thank you.

Openness... My typical life-experience is that when I open up to people like that, then they only use the information they've gained to hurt me. Its what I learned growing up and was solidly reinforced during the early part of my adulthood. Its only recently that I've been working on that, typically with disasterous results.

As I've said previously, crying out for help, you guys are embracing me. Its not something I'm used to, and I do appreciate it. I started this thread for selfish reasons, (a cry for help). I figure at this point I've got nothing to lose, and writing seems to be having a theraputic effect. I think the perceived anonymity of the 'net helps too.

If someone maybe, just maybe, is pulling even a little bit out for themself, well, its a good thing and a good thing to know. I hope I'm helping. Just maybe something good can come out of the selfishness for somebody.

Honesty... I've always tried to be honest with myself, but often without much success. I've been working on that too the last few years, and maybe I'm getting better at it with practice. Realizing and identifying the self-cons seems to be improving, (or is that the start of another self-con based on pride?).

I'm really glad I found this place.

Willingness... That's one I think I've struggled with for a long time. As I've said previously, I believe this is the first time in my life that I haven't had denial issues to overcome. Its making a big difference in my approach to the whole thing. I've always been one of those guys who detests it when others appear to be trying to "define" me, or try to tell me who I am. I think its been part of the core of my denial lo' these many years.

So far though, I don't feel like anyone is trying to do that to me. Maybe I've finally been able to place myself into a receptive frame of mind. Maybe its because I'm getting older and am gaining some better persepective on my life. Maybe the self-honesty is improving. Or maybe the evidence has mounted so high that even I can't ignore it.

I don't know. But I do know that finally admitting to myself Friday night that I have a problem and that the problem is that I'm an alcoholic has eliminated the denial issues.

Who am I kidding? I know what it is. Its God answering some prayers and looking out for me. That's what it is. Thank you God!

As I shared in a meeting earlier today, God has always answered my prayers, although not always the way I wanted him to or the way I expected or hoped he would. But he's always answered them, and he's done it in the way that was best. Thank you God.

. . .

I went to a 10:00am meeting today. I enjoyed it so much that after running an errand, I went back for the 12:00 noon meeting too.

The errand was this... Friday morning / early afternoon, the sheriff's deputy running the lockup sat down and had a chat with me before releasing me. The details don't matter but it started with him being convinced / impressed by the way my boss was so adamant about helping me out both times.

Between the meetings, I went to the lockup to try to speak with the deputy. He wasn't around (his day off), so rather than wait, I asked if I could leave him a note. They looked at me for a second, said sure and handed me some paper.

I'm not going to try to replicate the note but the gist of it was this... First, thank you again for your help and for having that chat with me. Second, I suspect that he thought his words went in one ear and out the other, and that I wanted him to know that that wasn't the case.

I told him that I finally admitted to myself that same night that I have a problem and that I joined AA the following day, and that it was due in part to his chat, and that I thought he should know. He had convinced me that there was still something good and worthwhile inside me that was worth saving, and that he had looked me square in the eye and told me that I was an alcoholic. I wanted to thank him and to let him know that his words did not fall on deaf ears.

That was my errand and I'm glad I did it. No doubt there's a selfish component to it -- I know it made me feel better -- but I hope I was able to give him something back.

Well, I'm sure this is a long enough post for one day, so... Thanks for reading and thanks for the feedback. It is helping.

Welcome to SR! You sound very good and very positive in your posts! What I mean is that you sound as though you are doing very well so far and i suspect that it will only get better for you. I admire you for your realization and for talking with that deputy and acknowledging whar he did for you and how it helped. Hang in there, better days are awaiting you ahead! Be strong!

GP

Thanks GP.

I slept in today, (which means I didn't go to a meeting this morning -- I am going to one tonight though). I'm glad I slept in, and it was a good night's sleep. I don't believe its a self-con, at least my heart tells me its not.

Yesterday morning I awoke from some minor nightmares. I don't remember the details, but as is typical for me for these particular type of nightmares, my family was involved in a bad way. It took me a minute or so after I woke up to realize where I was, or more correctly, where in my life I'm at and what's going on. Part of me thought I was still living with them, for example, and the despair over everything was close at hand and inside me.


This morning however, was pretty different. I awoke from some curious dreams. My family was there again, but they were in a more supportive stance than I'm used to. It was kind of odd.

In the dream, I remember looking at myself in a largish mirror. I examined my body and especially studied my face for a few moments. I remember there being a smile on my face, not a broad one perhaps bit still definitely there. I remember feeling good about myself as I looked in the mirror in my dream. I wasn't perfect, but I was me, and there was a lot of good there and I felt that no one could take that away.

I woke up with the song "Jane Says" going through my head (love the music). I came out of the bedroom feeling in touch with a good part of me that I like, and which likes me. The contact might not have been "large", but it was certainly there.

As I walked into the kitchen to feed the cat, the memory of what's been going on and what I still have to face because of the arrests started to come crashing down around me. Despair started trying to blanket me and enter me.

It took a second before I started to push it away. I focused on the good feeling I had just moments before and tried to turn the sound of the music up a little bit in my head.

I paused for a moment, then reached down to pet the cat and feed her. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror for a few seconds. The face was slightly different, the body too, but it was still definitely me. And the smile was still there!

I thanked God and went about my business, getting cleaned up right away instead of waiting a few hours, (on days off I typically wait a few hours). I continued trying to focus on the good feeling and on keeping the despair pushed away.

Part of me wanted to cry. Another part of me sighed a little bit and wanted to stay focused on the good feeling that was there. Another part of me was taking stock of my body and noticing that it felt like much of the alcohol was out of my system and that my body was repairing itself, (afterall its only day 3). I also noticed that I didn't have my usual morning headache, (amazing what we get used to living with, huh?).

I looked at myself in the mirror as I dried myself off -- especially my face and my eyes to see what was there while remembering that I am not alone. I saw the smile on my face and felt it in my face muscles and thanked God again for another day.

The despair keeps knocking on the side of my head, but I keep on ignoring it.

I'm glad I slept in today. I'm looking forward to going to the meeting tonight.

Thanks for letting me babber.

I almost didn't make the meeting tonight -- I fell asleep watching the Twilight Zone and didn't wake up until about twenty minutes before the meeting started. Glad I did and glad I went.

One of the people said that rock bottom is kind of like an elevator -- it goes down a lot faster than it goes up and the cable is always slipping. The best thing is to simply get off (not drink).

It brings to mind another analogy. Rome wasn't built in a day, but it burned overnight. Your life is Rome and alcohol is flammable.

Another thing I took from the meeting is that for me at least, its important to keep in mind that this disease is physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual. For me at least, its important to keep the distinctions in mind so that I can work on each component on its own terms rather than be overwhelmed in a morass of their combination.

Sure there's some overlap and each contributes to and may drive the other, but let me give you some examples of what I mean...

Physical... The changes your body has gone through (and does go through) because of use patterns. The need to repair the damage to your cells and to get the hardware working properly again. The whole physical side of craving and withdrawal (and its symptoms) and the need to eliminate it.

Emotional... The self-pity and self-loathing. The anguish and depression. The feelings of worthlessness and despair. The way I haven't been processing or even facing my emotions properly. The loss of self-esteem.

Psychological... The self-cons and self-deceptions. The desire to shut yourself off from the world. The inability to face or interact with other people and pushing them away. The panic, terror, feelings of doom and nightmares.

Spiritual... Not being in contact with your heart. The emptiness and loneliness. Feeling cut off from God and His Love. Dooming yourself to the abyss. Not listening to that small voice in your heart that is still there or that you've tried to quiet down. Feeling like a "mere machine".

Does any of this make sense to anybody or am I just babbering again?

On another note, I need to make sure I don't fret about these charges I'm facing (there's time for that later). I also need to start conducting my life again -- get some work done, buy groceries, clean the house, etc.

I don't know how I'm ever going to adequately thank my boss for all he's done for me. Out of all the people I called both those nights / mornings, he was the only one willing to even consider doing something for me. He was certainly the only one who actually took action. My co-worker also helped that second time under the auspices of my boss, and I need to thank him too.

I think joining and sticking with AA will be a start. What do you think?

Day 10 -- Hooray!!!

I was looking over this post again, and I remember how scared I was when I first started it. I can't say that the fear has gone away but in another way I can. Let me explain.

One the one hand there was the fear from this disease and what was going to happen to me, especially as I try to get help and start recovering from it. I don't need to expound on it or explain it, because I think you all probably know what I mean.

The fear of "loss of self" was probably the strongest in that regard, (the old "they're just going to brainwash me" thing). There was also the fear of "facing yourself" and the "I don't know what's going to happen to me". Also the fear of being vulnerable to others.

There was also the feelings around actually saying, both to yourself and others, "Hi, my name is GreenTea and I'm an alcoholic". That first time actually saying those words (I didn't really use the name "GreenTea") was hard and to an extent painful. But it was necessary and it was truthful and its honest.

Those fears all seem to have gone from me. I'm not afraid of myself anymore. I'm still working on the "liking myself again" part, but at least I don't dislike myself anymore, and I'm not afraid of doing something self-destructive again either. I'm finding myself again and that's good.

There was also the fear of my financial situation. I've been in difficult times before, and they've always been, well... difficult. But I've gotten through them somehow (Grace of God), and I'll get through them again. In that regard I think its just a matter of time (provided I maintain my sobriety).

Then there's the fear of the consequences of these charges I'm facing. There's still a lot of trepidation there and the serious potential for despair to overwhelm me.

For the most part, so far, I've been able to avoid fretting about it, but that's probably going to get harder as the court date gets closer, (the lawyer told me not to worry about the first date -- he'll get everything combined into the September date).

I'm still scared about that, although I don't think I'm frantic about it anymore. Just sort of sigh and try to "face the music" as best I can. Not panic, and try to develop and maintain some serenity in order to cope with whatever will happen. I guess I'm to the point where I want to cry instead of run. More praying will help.

That's where I'm at with the fear. I look over the first posts and I remember how much like a "caged animal" I was feeling at the time. Panic would be an accurate word and screaming for help an accurate phrase.

Thank you again everybody, for all of your help! I couldn't have gotten through those first days and nights without you.

. . .

Day 10 -- Hooray!!!

I'm feeling and noticing some differences. I have a long way to go yet, but I feel like I'm headed in the right direction.

The AA meetings are definitely helping. Fifteen meetings in ten days so far, ("Many Meetings, Many Chances"). I draw a lot of strength from them. Every time I sit down, I look at the placard ("You Are Not Alone") and I thank God. The human contact is amazing.

I'm not in a race to work the steps. I haven't even started them formally yet. Informally though, I think step 1 came the night I finally admitted to myself that I'm an alcoholic and started to complete it when I started being comfortable actually saying it out loud. Step 2 for me is a given. God is God and there nothing He can't do. So I guess informally I'm on step 3 although I still need to do them formally.

Where I'm at though, is focusing on these...

1) Stay sober
2) Establish the habit of going to the meetings
3) Re-condition myself -- different thought patterns, conducting my life properly, pray more, etc.

For right now, just staying focused on those three is what I need to do. My temporary sponsor agrees. In the meantime I'm reading through "Living Sober" -- a few pages a day -- and I need to start reading more of the Big Book.

Physically I feel better. I'm gaining a little weight as I eat more but that's easy enough to deal with. I'm still smoking too much but at least I'm not drinking on top of it. Mornings are getting easier. I'm starting to get better at keeping regular sleep patterns too. I feel better "in myself" if you know what I mean.

Emotionally I have a ways to go yet. Its been almost half a week since my last bout of depression, although its been "knocking on the door" along with that despair. I think I'm developing some serenity though, and its helping me deal with it all. I smile more again and there's a little piece of "joy" that I think is starting to wake up in a corner of my mind. So that's a good thing.

Psychologically I think I'm maintaining. I don't think I've had any nightmares since last week, (regular vivid dreams aren't nightmares -- they're "normal" for me -- I'm talking about the ones where I wake up scared off my nut or in a cold sweat or screaming). Some self-cons still creep in and surface. I let them have their say and then point out the BS, dismissing them. So far it seems to be working.

Spiritually I need to do better. I don't think I'm "drawing away" anymore, but I need to start intentionally "draw closer". God is letting me "breath a little" but that doesn't mean I can start taking Him for granted. I still pray throughout the day (always have) but I need to "hit my knees" more regularly.

I think that's pretty much where I'm at right now, here at day 10. Tomorrow is my alcohol evaluation. That should be simple, "well, its like this... I'm an alcoholic". :)

Day 11 should be interesting.

Thanks for letting me share, and thanks for the support everybody!!!

Fantastic GT! :cheer

Green Tea. I just found your thread and wanted to tell you, first, you have come so far in such a short time. Its really great and if it means anything, i am proud of you and i hope that each day you will wake up with a smile and a pat on your back. You have worked hard to achieve these 10 days.
I am glad your meetings are helping you and it seems as if your well worded posts are also contributing to getting your feelings out in the open, which is definetely an important part of sobriety. Not only are your posts honest, i find them to be enjoyable, because it is truly great to witness another persons success.
Something some one said at a meeting one time truly stuck out in my head. Personally speaking, the first few I tried to go to, I guess i wasnt ready for because i kept making excuses. "self -cons", i think is how you termed it. But each time i couldn't get the motivation up, the easier it was to cave in and spend the time i could used to be positive and productive, to being negative and self destructive. There were many self cons. The biggest? "Well, i dont feel like driving that far across the city. If there was one closer, I'd go."-Terrible way of thinking. And this is where this persons words will always stick out.
At the meeting, he admitted that he wasn't going to go that night because he had to take the bus. And our transit system is terrible, so he missed the first bus and would have missed the meeting because the next wasnt for a long time. But, instead of going home, he said he walked. He said it wasnt a along walk but it was cold. And then he said he felt bad for even complaining. Because there were so many nights we would have walked 10 times as far to get his drug of choice out of desperation, that this walk to the meeting was the best step he ever took.
If I may say, he had a point. How many times would i drive accross town to meet with friends at a bar? But couldnt drive to a meeting.
I hope you will stay strong and try to remain positive. The dreams are a good things. They, to me, are your mind clearing itself and working to sort out your feelings. Look in the mirror and try to keep smiling. Even if you dont feel like smiling, I was taught before to "trick your brain." If you plaster a fake smile on your face for 5 minutes, it is said to release happy chemicals. If you need a laugh, may I recommend downloading some Dane Cook stand-up comedy? He cracks me up and he is said to be drug and alcohol free.
Listen to your music and if depression is knocking for you, look through the peephole and tell it to pick another door.
Good luck and God bless
mertyl

Recognizing our fears allows us to face them. Not until we know what we're hiding from can we stop running in fear, turn around, and meet them head ON (rather than head buried in the sand/ under the influence, you understand.)

Such a process of self-discovery it is, when we look up and around outside of the haze of addiction and all those surrounding attributes (avoidance/ isolation/ evasion/ denial/ manipulation/ deception of self and others/ and all.) It's SO inspiring to see others who are forging ahead in this and seeing how it works to improve their condition, their mind, the state of peace and happiness and health they find in their daily lives! Even while all those very real problems of life are still right there, when we know we have means to be able to deal with them, it makes it all seem possible, manageable, doable. And it's so true! Everything does sort itself out in the end. Those things that seemed so infinitely important 10 years ago, they're all in our past, largely forgotten, we've learned from them and moved on. And there will be new situations to deal with in the future. One thing at a time, one day at a time, we progress. Life is actually interesting and it's amazing to be alive and HERE to experience it.

Thinking of you GreenTea as you proceed through your evalution today, and continue along this journey you're on. Have no fear! Know you have a lot of caring support here. Wishing you well.

Thanks everybody!!! [Watches as Carol shakes her pom-poms!]

"...How many times would i drive accross town to meet with friends at a bar? But couldnt drive to a meeting..."

I hear you there! The topic came up at a meeting last week, about how much effort and time a person spends on their addiction. If we'd spend even only half the time on our sobriety and life, we'd find the happiness that our addiction promises but never delivers. Insane, huh?

"...the state of peace and happiness and health they find in their daily lives! Even while all those very real problems of life are still right there, when we know we have means to be able to deal with them, it makes it all seem possible, manageable, doable..."

You're right, that is so true. For me, (and it seems to be a fairly common experience), the thing that dragged me down the spiral, I think, was an inability or unwillingness to face and properly deal with my emotions. So of course they just "piled up" collecting "interest" like a bad credit card debt that only grows and grows.

I've realized over the last year or so just how many scars and how much pain I've chosen to carry around through the years. I can point to some contributing factors (some of which go 'way back), but the fact remains that they're MY emotions and scars -- I'm the only one who can deal with them, and I wasn't.

Instead I was wallowing in self-pity, unwilling to talk about them to anyone, fooling myself that I was "being strong" when instead I was only trying to run from them, wanting them to simply go away of their own accord. Only they don't, because they are MINE, they are a part of me.

They're still there, but facing them and processing them bit by bit (rather than allowing myself to be overwhelmed by them) allows the pain of them to gradually subside. I've got a long way to go, but I see the direction and I see that its effective.

A better way to phrase that would be to say that God has shown me the direction and He's shown me that's its effective. Stupid me, I just wasn't listening. But He didn't give up on me!

(Ask me again about the fear as the court date gets closer)

Does this mean that at some point when all the pain finally goes away that I'll be able to hoist a few at the pub again like "normal" people?

Absolutely not! I crossed a line at some point in my wallowing, and it only fanned the flame. The coals are still there and the pain will probably never go away entirely this side of the grave. But dealing with the pain with a sober mind keeps the bonfire from destroying me again.

Will I someday be able to drink like "normal" people again? That's a self-con buddy, and you know it! ... I've abused myself to the point where "normal" for me is that spiral into the abyss with regard to alcohol, and I don't want to go there again no matter how good I feel.

I've done this to myself in the choices I've made over the years. The body has changed and the "alcoholic mindset" is too well imprinted. The only ingredient that's missing for me to jump right back into that spiral is the alcohol. I crossed the line at some point and that choice is no longer mine. And that's just life.

Yeah, I do find it therapuetic to post here. Thanks for letting me babber, folks! And thanks again for your support -- it helps!