SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

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-   -   Downward Spiral (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/76590-downward-spiral.html)

Cathy31 11-10-2005 11:50 AM

Ok, I'm really going after this...but yes, totally!!!!

When hungover I want to die, preferably painfully. God, it's such an horrendous self inflicted feeling!!! But what happened toward the 'end' of my drinking, that I started to feel like that before I was hungover, ie at about 3am in the morning at the end of a binge...it is SERIOUS STUFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What struck me the most about strarting my recovery was how I started to respect and really like myself again...I hadn't realised how my getting drunk the whole cycle just made me loathe myself...or I drank in the first palce cause I loathed myself... I don't know...what I do know is that I don't feel like that today...but whenever I drink I do...should be simple hey!

See you soon
Cathy31
x

wiscgirl30 11-10-2005 11:57 AM

Wow...interesting... so true.

CarolD 11-10-2005 12:05 PM

Certainly....alcoholic depression is why I started AA.

I havve 3 sets of scars on each wrist.
Good thing I lived near an ER!

I was amused not offended by the weirdo title. :09:

roadie58 11-10-2005 12:56 PM

We will love you until you can love yourself.

wiscgirl30 11-11-2005 02:53 AM

Im feeling a bit better today. Can finally walk straight today after my binge on Tuesday. Don't feel like hurting myself so much. You guys are awesome. Called the bar I was at and apologized to the owner who kicked me out (his wife actually cuz he wasnt there) and told her how stupid and bad I felt for acting like I did. That made me feel a little better, but not really. Today is the first day of the rest of my life, though, so that is an excitement in itself!

BubbaBob 11-11-2005 03:56 AM

The first thing that will help with the self-loathing is for you to come to realize that alcoholism is a disease, not a matter of willfully choosing to do the things we do when drunk. An alcoholic trying to quit is a sick person trying to get better, not a bad person trying to do good.

Don't beat yourself up. What you did yesterday is done. It's in the history books, never to be changed. Worry about today...have a plan to stay sober today instead of spending wasted time regretting past actions.

Personally, I'd suggest:

1. AA. It's helped lots of us get and remain sober.
2. If you are religously inclined, find a church you are comfortable with.
3. If you can afford it, or if you have insurance that will cover it, try seeing a therapist that specializes in addiction issues.

As for how much or how often you drink...that is not the deciding factor in whether or not you are an alcoholic. An alcoholic drinks, a little or a lot, daily or binging, because he/she HAS to, compulsively, rather than as a choice. Besides being a recovering drunk, I am an addiction counselor, and I have one client...a little old lady of 68, who only drinks one glass of wine daily at 5PM. Just one small glass...but she HAS to have that glass of wine. Hell...it's not even enough to get her buzzed, but she HAS to have it (she thinks). I'd say that's an alcoholic.

Lighten up on yourself, realize that alcoholism is a disease, and start doing something about it TODAY. Here at SR is a good start.

BubbaBob

wiscgirl30 11-11-2005 04:02 AM

Thanks BubbaBub. Wow - that is a really cool quote you have at the bottom of your page...it is SO true....

wingsfree 11-11-2005 04:46 AM

I ((((((wiscgirl)))))))), a warm welcome to SoberRecovery....you've been guided here and have been blessed more then you'll know. Listen to the gang best teachers around, LISTEN hard to what is said to you, today's a good day to stop the insanity.

Heck I'm weird and don't go to AA, hehe. But you know I wish you'd chose to go there, go to some open meetings sit and listen, and I'm betting you'll hear your story, I'm betting there's someone waiting for you to walk through those doors. I've attended some it's a good place to be, I understand what you mean about the cult thing I listened to some talk and it seemed they can't talk normal, ah you know what I mean. I think right now it would be a huge step in the right direction for you, it's to hard to do it alone, you can try to convince yourself all the time, but nope you need help, church is good to if it works for you.

A lot of what you've said I can relate to most of it, and I can tell you it will get worse the longer you continue, they weren't kidding when they said it's progressive.

I have two grown children, I know how you feel about that, my kids grew up seeing me in a way they should never have, I can't change that fact, I should have went for help at a younger age, but I didn't, always thought I could do it alone, or I'd ignore the fact I had a problem and let it keep ruling me, let myself be a slave to it, or I'd listen to others telling me nothing was wrong...shaking my head. I wanted to go to AA when I was your age, so sick all the time, hangovers from hell, but I listened to hubby, he didn't want me going there, heavens forbid I do such a thing.....oh if I could go back to your age. You know life is short let me tell you, don't be like me sitting there 20 years later wondering where the time has went, wondering why you didn't get help when it was there for you.

The blackouts, it will get to the point where every binge will be a black out, that's a guarantee, you'll put yourself in harms way and not even know it, and worse if you hurt someone else and not know it. Much to my dismay I fell into a wood stove this past Jan, got burnt pretty good, a real good dose of a taste of hell, and to this day I have no clue how it happened, so see how scarey it is, you end up paying a high price when you don't have to.

Suicide....oh yeah can't take much more of the this so it does cross a person's mind, and how dare we do that to our children, how dare we. Besides our addiction is a suicide a slow painful one, it will get us one way or another, that's what it wants.

Ok done rambling here, you have your youth, please get some help, don't WAIT, give AA a chance, go and listen, you're body will love you sober, your kids will love you sober, YOU will love you sober.

Sending lots of love your way.....Denise (whose taken the long hard way to her sobriety)

wiscgirl30 11-11-2005 06:13 AM

Words well heeded. Thank you Denise.

penguinloves 11-11-2005 06:39 AM

Good luck to you wiscgirl, you can do this! It will feel so great to be sober and not worry about the things you said and did while drinking. I only have 5 days into my sobriety, and I already feel great. It ahs gotten tough a few nights, I won't lie to you. I had myslef talked into drinking about 100x's. But I talked myself out of it, and am so happy.

You can do it!!

wiscgirl30 11-11-2005 06:54 AM

Luckily I haven't had the urge to drink yet (it has only been 2 1/2 days though). I think I might be tempted to have a drink when I take my gram out for fish fry tonight, but won't do it. That sort of stuff will be hard. It is the "getting drunk" thing that scares me, but I know that one leads to the other eventually.

wiscgirl30 11-11-2005 06:56 AM

Also, great job Penguin. I cant wait to be an honorable woman that people can look at and see an energy, a light, a happiness. Not a girl who is crying inside all the time.

wingsfree 11-11-2005 07:14 AM


Originally Posted by wiscgirl30
I cant wait to be an honorable woman that people can look at and see an energy, a light, a happiness. Not a girl who is crying inside all the time.

Wiscgirl, you're doing that today, you're reaching out for help, your light is shining HUGE. Oh you have more energy then you realize...you're a Mother, that takes tons of energy, so all the more reason to take care of yourself, it can be draining.

Do you journal? If not today might be a good day to start, grab a piece of paper and pen, and start writing down how you're feeling, you're FEARS, most of our fears are illusions nothing more. Write something down every day, you'll be surprised when you look back a month from now and see how you've felt, how much stronger you're getting with this, what to avoid. It really helps you know, get yourself a nice journal to write in, something bright, flowery that will attract you to pick it up every day and add your feelings. :wink3:

If you're worried about having a drink at the fish fry, maybe it's not a good idea just yet to go, sometimes it's better to avoid sticky situations in the beginning of sobriety, but then again each time you conquer a situation like that it makes you stronger. You're stronger probably then you're aware of at the moment, our addiction loves to tell us that, ha it knows nothing, WE are stronger. Another thing you will get stronger with the more knowledge you have with this, keep reading others posts, there's so much positive around. SMART is a good program too, it's a self help one.

It's amazing what our addictive brains can conjure up, sitting here laughing about that now where my brain has went to at times....oh what a waste of time and energy, when I could have been putting it to better use.

Penguin congrats on your sober days, any sober day is a precious gift.

wingsfree 11-11-2005 07:19 AM

Here's a couple of threads you might find very useful.....

Quitting What To Expect.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ect-47857.html

Here's another real good one...DonS..he uses SMART

Friday Affirmation: What does sobriety look like?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ike-27181.html

Greenbug 11-11-2005 08:40 AM

Right now you have high expectations for yourself and things might be looking up, one thing to keep in mind is the phrase "just for today" this isnt about "forever" when you go out and something looks or is tempting just remember "today I am not going to drink/cut" tomorrow might bring something different but today NO! Just keep doing that over and over.

Might sound silly but it does help.

wiscgirl30 11-11-2005 10:03 AM

Good plan! That I will do. I wont drink a drink at dinner tonight. :)

Msftrtk 11-11-2005 10:59 AM

Wiscgirl.. I am right there with you.. I am almost 34 now I live in Florida.. but was born and raised in WI. Don't know why I do this to myself either.. Sucks the next day when you wake up.. head is pounding, and you have no idea what the hell you did the night or the day before.. don't really know where to turn.. I got the impression that you are a single mom.. is that true? Me too.. have three.. I finally decided today was going to be the first day of a new life for me.. been drinking since I was 11.. it runs in the family.. but I really don't want to have to go to a public meeting.. I own a company, could ruin me.. so I am hoping to fond help, and support here.. I hope that you to find what you are looking for.. maybe we can help each other? Good Luck

REZ 11-11-2005 11:41 AM

I didn't drink every day either, but when I did, I lost control. I doesn't really matter how much we drank. What matters is what happened to us when we drank and why we drank. When I drank, I lost control and bad things happened. I drank to get drunk, not so be social.

wiscgirl30 11-12-2005 05:38 AM

Went the the restaurant. Gram had a brandy and water, and I had a diet Pepsi, yay! It was really nice to wake up this morning, on a Saturday, without a hangover. Without a headache. With a clear head. Being able to walk straight. Without beer farts! Yay!!!!! I woke up, got my gram her breakfast (she is staying with me after a stay in the hospital - leaving tomorrow). :( I will miss her. Anyway, then went back to bed for a little bit and prayed to God that he would help me stop thinking about my ex boyfriend. It is really hard on the weekends because i have to resist the urge to drive by his house (a few blocks away) and see if he went out the night before (which I know because if he does, his "going out" truck is out). Which doesn't do me any good either. I do it because I fear he went out, and if there is the chance that he didn't, then I would feel better, but usually I see that he has, and then I just worry if he brought a girl home. This has been a cycle that has been going on for a month and a half now. Ugh. Anyway - Yay to sobriety! I love this site, thank you so much.

wiscgirl30 11-12-2005 05:41 AM

Oh - and yes MSFTRTK, I am a single mom as well. Please keep in touch. I would be curious to know where you grew up in Wisc. Yup, we are known as the "drinking state". To put it in perspective to everyone, from where I live, I have 7 (SEVEN) bars within a 7-block radius, all around me. If there is a bar on a corner, there is *always* a bar across the street as well!


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