Just stopping by to say hi and hope everybody is doing well. Took two pain pills today which was pretty disappointing. Been managing to get buy on just one. Sometimes I think I act too quickly when the pain comes on. I just remember how bad the pain used to be and want to avoid it. Tomorrow I'll wait longer then resorting to a pain pill and see what happens. The pain might just go away on its own or with a little help from tylonol.
Hoping to go back to work next week. Will stick to half day jobs. Not worried about the pain anymore. More concerned about the weakness. Kids get out early on Mondays due to teacher planning time, so a four hour half day job is actually just three hours. Great day to just go for it. Got nothing to lose. John

It sounds like you're managing pretty well!

I'm glad you're feeling pretty good, John. I know you're looking forward to getting back to work. :)

Sending you a hug and hoping the pain can be reduced. :hug:

ok, time vent:
I was reaching in my fridge to get something and ended up knocking stuff over to get to it. Had to pick stuff off the floor. That just set me off. I can't even get something out of the fridge without making a big deal out of it. This is beyond insane!!!!!! I still can't walk a straight line. My nausea is through the roof. The pain is off and on. I can't think straight. Grocery shopping shouldn't be a challenge. I'm sick of taking all these darn pills, and I think, for what? I stick to the plan, but see little if any progress. I've been taking chemo since May, but this problem has gone on much longer than that. I'm looking at around a year when this problem started. Doctor after doctor after doctor. One procedure after another, and for what. I am not suicidal, but if I knew I would die tomorrow if I stopped everything, I'd be ok with that. Just doesn't seem worth it sometimes. I'm not me anymore. I'm just a skeleton walking around going through meaningless routines. Why bother. Thanks for letting me vent. Always feel better and more centered when I do that. John

John, you're going through so much. It's healthy to vent sometimes and just let it all out. We're here for you. You've been so positive through most of your treatment, but it's expected that you're going to have bad days. I think the VA will offer you more help if you feel you need it? (((John)))

Vent away. You have been through a lot and are handling it with great strength of character. You are allowed to get fed up! I hope tomorrow is a better day.

(((John))). It is very much okay to feel angry, frustrated and discouraged and a myriad of other emotions, too. Your physical and emotional strength has been greatly challenged. Vent all you like.

I hope the pendulum swings back to the positive side, John! :grouphug:

It is always worth it to fight for yourself. I told you something similar before and you said you had to remember it, so I am here as reminder.
I do not write much, almost nothing, but I always read about you and your journey because it gives me strenght and inspiration for my own.
Anger is totally fine and we will always be ready for your updates here.
All the best

I am glad you can express your feeling to us—you need a safe space and people who care about you. Dealing with cancer and the pain from that chemo is more than most people can even understand, let alone go through.

It wears you down, body and spirit. In the face of uncertainty and severe physical discomfort, anger seems a pretty appropriate response, as well as the feeling of just wanting it to stop. It hurts, and you are hurting. You cannot do all you once did, and for a person that holds high standards for themselves, this is especially hard.

You have worked to keep positive, done all you can to get better and still find some pleasure in life—it’s pretty amazing to me how well you have held it together and managed to face this situation and be present in each moment and found beauty in in growing things and the natural world around you.

But your honesty with yourself on feeling these difficult feelings is also critical to growth and healing whatever form it ultimately takes. Thank you for sharing this part of your journey with us as well—my thoughts and wishes that today might be easier, that you get a little respite and peace. :grouphug:

Doing ok today. Just a little down. John

(((John))).

Do your tomato plants like this recent rain?

Not sure if it likes all the rain, but it's growing like crazy. It's got to be happy with the lower temps and humidity. Hopefully it will start growing tomatoes, but if not, that's ok. It's just really cool watching it grow. Hoping to get some other vegetable plants to keep it company. Have had that tomato plant since my cancer diagnosis. For some reason, I see a connection to them. It grows, I grow. It has struggled at times like I have, but it endures. John

Nice comparison, John. I can clearly see the connection, too.

How are you? Feeling some better?

Thinking of you John. Hope your enjoying those plants.

Hey John just checking in to see if you are OK—it’s been a few days since you posted and I was thinking of you quite a bit today—

(((John)))

Thanks for your concern. Been doing better than last week. Pain level seems to change from one day to the next. Today, only had to take one pill so far. Will be seeing the doctor tomorrow that prescribes it. I really hope she doesn't totally cut me off. Tried just taking ibuprophen and it does nothing. Not sure what I will do if she does that. I talked to my psychiatrist about it today, and she told me there's no way I would be left to deal with the pain without help. Hope she's right.
After the suicidal thoughts last week, it looks like I will have another therapist to talk to soon. I'm open for any support I can get. Those thoughts came out of nowhere which really scared me.
So far, it looks like I will be continuing with the usual chemo treatment and not spend overnight in the hospital to make sure I can complete the treatment. Might find out more tomorrow. Either way, I'm gonna take uber for the treatments. Sick of dealing with transportation issues. Not worth it anymore.
On a lighter note, my tomato plant (my hero) is still growing fast, but it's real tall but not full, so next week, I'm gonna buy a bigger pot and put one of those things that looks like a wrap around fence to prop it up. Can't imagine it growing tomatoes until it gets fuller. Will look for lettuce and brocoli plants to add to my "garden". Finding a baby corn plant would be a major plus. Getting cooler now with less humidity, so now might be the right time.
Anyway, I'm doing pretty good. Also booked a half day job for next Thursday. Gotta give it a try. If it doesn't go well, at least I tried. Have a great evening. John