Jupiter, I wouldn't say the emotions lasted 5 solid days. Maybe one big day and then bits and pieces for a little while.

While still drinking, the guilt of various things would come like a wave, and nothing was going to keep me from getting ahold of something to drink pretty soon after that. I still feel guilty of things, but nothing like before. No more tsunamis.

I can't say how much it helped me to read about the exact same experiences and thoughts people shared here on SR. Still does.

When I worked for a big company years ago, I was in charge of entertaining the largest customer's kid on the weekend sometimes at a semi-primitive camp we had. He and his buddy (both pre-driving teens) beat my pants off at poker one night and I've never enjoyed playing cards since.

Double post :)

ah yes! You described it exactly!
Yesterday afternoon I had a period of such joy, I felt like dancing, when a couple of hours before I hated the world and everything in it ( this is between the snot and tears lol)
I am interested in the science of all of this, so will look further into it for better understanding of just what is happening physically.
Your posts that I've read around the forum always seem very balanced and logical, so I do hold out hope for myself 🙂

🤢 Lol

Thank you Obladi.
Yes, the crying was just tears, no emotion attached to them. Then sometimes emotion, no tears, then sometimes both.
Strange, but your explanation, like cityboys does make sense.
As I can't even seem to put coherent thought together for any sustained length of time, I'm just going with the flow atm. But I must admit it is a bit exausting. And sometimes the flow is a trickle, sometimes a tsunami !

Lol cityboy about you being beat by whippersnappers too. I, unfortunately, have been booked in for a rematch of Road Dahl monopoly, as my grandson doesn't want to stop until he has assured his place as king of the board lol
Funny I hadn't read your post before I wrote my last one and that's how I described things, sometimes a tsunami.
I know what you are saying about the guilt running amok while still in the drink mindset, why I'm just trying to dismiss the guilt until my mind is in a position to get things more in proportion.
Thank you for your posts, I feel my replies are coming out a bit mangled, but I do understand what you are trying to get across to meThank you 🙂

I actually think you won't drink again. You demonstrate a grasp of the solution that sounds "for real" to me.

It's fine to think on the fly, writing stuff down, and then looking at it and testing it for authenticity. I've learned a lot from posting things that I come back to and reevaluate. SR is a good place to do this too. It's one of the ways we can evolve. And I doubt that anyone is going to make an issue out doing things that way.

I like the first paragraph (obviously!) Driguy 🙂
I don't know if I'm being a bit thick, but not sure what the second one means?

I think DriGuy is saying that stream-of-consciousness writing like you did in that paragraph he quoted can be really helpful. I used to agonize over whether what I was writing on my own threads about myself was "true" or "appropriate" or "what I should say." When I let down my guard and just spill it, I often wind up with a jumbled mess of words - out of which comes some kind of clarity.

Obladi explained it exactly how I intended.

This is the way I would write in my journal years ago. Writing is a good way to sort things out, because my pure thinking makes leaps of logic. For some reason, when I write things and read them back, the gaps in my thinking jump out at me, which leads to reevaluating and clearer thinking. Personal growth comes from this.

I'm on day 8 (would have been 33 if it weren't for that one-day relapse a week ago)
I also feel higher emotions than usual. I am an emotional person, but when all those feelings suddenly come rushing back.... I mean, I crush on just about 70% of every female aged ~20-45 I talk to.

I learned in a book by Derren Brown how you can mentally set yourself in a position that is artificial. I tried it, thinking my mom had died. I actually started crying - such a surreal feeling,,, But I think it's normal in early recovery to become extra emotional.

It'll subside. though - I've been sober for 3-4 months at a time thanks to rehab

And what I learned was that, It's absolutely normal, jupiter. My rehab-peers felt the same way, but especially the male ones were very wary of speaking out about it.

There's nothing wrong with being emotional - it characters you as a kind&friendly person as far as I see it. Even if you are male, whom are supposed to be "strong, have zero feelings, etc." - we don't live 70 years ago.

I like what Derren Brown said in a recent upload he did on YouTube. He does tons of stage shows, and asks a lot of people to come up on stage, and what he said was; Everyone loves those who may seem or even admit they are a bit nervous. That's emotion. Those who are cocky and try to ruin a trick leave a vibe of not too much emotions and do not get that much love.

It's going to get better jupiter, as long as you hold on to your own promise, to not drink.

Oooh I get you now! Thanks for clarifying Driguy and Obladi
Not the sharpest knife in the box atm
Yes, when you haven't a clue what you are going to write, it just comes of it's own accord.

Yeah, straight from the subconscious into consciousness and onto the page.
Never thought of it like that Driguy, that there is use reading it over and seeing what meaning actually came out of it, or what twisted logic is in there!
Thanks for that 😁

Emotions are meant to be felt. Emotions are valuable. They are touchstones that can aid us in the quest for personal growth.

Alcohol blocked, numbed, and misrepresented my authentic emotions over the multiple years that I drank. So, it is no wonder that in early sobriety, when I was reintroduced to my true emotions again, I was overwhelmed. What are these things? Why am I feeling this way? WT@#*%!!!

I started to pay attention to the physical signals from my body because it was talking, and I needed to listen.

What emotion prompted the physical response? Once identified, I would let it move through me. No ignoring, stuffing, or changing. Just being fully aware and present in the experience of the moment. Then filing the intimate observations provided away for future reference while awaiting the next wave in the set.

That way, I would be more in synch and prepared for the ride on the next breaker the big blue sent my way.

Hey nez and Polaroid,
I read what you are saying, but I don't quite understand.
The last few days, the crying and the emotion haven't quite synched.
Tears without emotion. Emotion, but not very much, without tears.
I don't think they have unlocked.
At my daughters wedding, I had cut down the amount I drank lot the weeks before. I didn't drink at the wedding, or the whole time away.
I was so nervous on the day, walking her down the aisle and giving the speech, that I didn't feel much emotion at all. Joy and shock when I got a box announcing she was pregnant during the wedding dinner.
The next day, I couldn't stop crying but wasn't entirely sure why. Started drinking my usual very heavily when I got back.
Last Xmas Eve, my younger sister, 48, suddenly died in front of her teenage kids of a blood clot. Totally unexpected, she was planning Xmas as usual.
I haven't not drank for more than a few days at a time since.
I can't really feel her loss. Her two grown daughters were at my daughter's wedding. They broke their hearts when the song she had chosen to be played at the evening reception came on. I comforted them, but I couldn't feel anything.
I loved her a lot. I was there when she was born. Our daughters were the same age, went to the same school.
I haven't been able to feel her loss

Ah well, just made a liar of myself there.
Writing that, I did actually feel some pain. I have just cried over how she will never see her kids marry, she'll never see her grandkids.
This is not good. It's painful

I have just been reading your thread and your last post about your younger sister was so very tragic, heat breaking - I imagine this goes very, very deep and perhaps other events in your life too. What you're doing, sharing and writing out these deep emotions , unlocking them is a good thing. Painful but I think it is important. This is a safe place to say things and write out how you feel. It is far better to do this than pick up a drink. I think you are doing an outstanding job.

It will go away in time. I was very emotional and overreacted a lot in the first month. You’ll balance out after a while. Stick with it! 😊

Thank you dustyfox,
I did have a bit of a rough evening, I was a little shocked that just writing that out brought out a lot of genuine grief.
Still a bit tearful now writing this. But it does feel like this knot I have inside is loosening.
I have cried over her when I've been drunk, but it's not the same feeling
Drunk grieving is just maudlin self pitying rubbish.
At least I'm starting to feel a little less like a robot this past week
🙂

Thanks silver 🙂

I imagine you've heard somewhere that there is no 'right' way to grieve. I agree with you that doing so drunk is something short of 'the right way,' though. My younger brother died while I was still drinking, and I cut myself off from my family for the day following to get completely wasted. Dumb, selfish choice. No one blames me for going awol, and I thankfully have never spent much time (unless maybe I was drunk!) agonizing over that. I robbed myself of an opportunity to grieve authentically - whatever that would look like, and that's sad. But it's just facts. And also, I know my brother would understand.

It's ok.
You're ok.
You do you, even if you don't know who that is all the time.
Just please remember your advice to yourself to stay out of Shoulda Woulda Coulda. There's nothing there for us.

O

xo