Almost 2 months free, scared of relapse
 

I’ve almost 2 months free of wine and am so scared I will relapse soon. My mother just went to long term care, she fell in December and after hospital and short term rehab did not become physically able to function on her own. I’m already on an antidepressant but the decision to put her in long term skilled nursing has really done a number on me. My anxiety is constant and I am waiting on therapy so could use any support or advice you have to offer. Thank you!

Hi Kittencat, Congratulations on 2 months of sobriety. Your mother wouldn't want you to drink over her move to long-term care. She'd want you to be happy and strong. And, you know that she's in the best possible place for herself and her care right now. I know it's really hard, but we're here for you.

There’s not a single circumstance in the history of man that drinking can not make worse.

Be the best version of yourself that you can and don’t pick up. Treat yourself with some sweets or go shopping. Call a friend. Pray or meditate. Take a nap. Take a long walk. Plan or take a trip.

Don’t succumb, you will regret it.

Who made the decision to put her in long term care? Just curious because it might have something to do with your feelings. Not saying it wasn't the right decision.

As to your thinking you might relapse, that is your AV talking to you. No reason at all after two months that you can't be sober, and in fact you will be more "present" to deal with things and for your mom.

Congrats on two months. You are free for life if you want.

Thank you Anna :c015:

Oh wow your first sentence brought me to Homer (Simpson) and his cause of and solution to all life’s problems 🙄😬

Taking a nap, well falling asleep reading a book is pretty much all I do these days. Once I’m vaccinated I do plan on taking a trip and yes, the planning does help me. Thank you!

The rehab she was in. Physical therapy wasn’t working. Tried to bring her home a few weeks ago and she couldn’t stand up to use her walker from the wheelchair she was in.

2 months now but 7+ alcohol free last year. I really want to be free for life and have been lurking about here all week to help me. I know I need to work on my coping skills, anxiety just paralyzes me.

Thank you advbike 🙂

Good job on all that sober time kittencat! I had about the same last year too. Feels great, doesn't it?

When my mom had her stroke she regained some capacity after physical therapy/rehab, but not enough to care for herself completely so we got caregivers that lived in their house. It's expensive, but so is long term care, so I just mention it as an option. My mom didn't ever want to leave her home so that's the way it went. She died looking out at her view.

(((KC))) Don't let your fear rule you. :hug: There is no reason to relapse. Don't listen to that BS. My mom had to go to a long term care place her last couple years of life. We made the best of it and knew she was getting good care.

I hope you can have some faith in yourself and your sobriety. :hug:

Have you tried an AA meeting?

Taking care of an aging loved one is a full time job, and it's stressful. If you do it by yourself, it's even more stressful, because you won't have any time off, and it is indeed "long term" for a long time. I think taking this on would be more stress than what you are under right now. If you were rock solid sober for 15 years right now, it could still be overwhelming.

A guy older than me warned me when he found out I was taking care of an aging aunt, that no matter what you do, somebody's going be upset about it. And I'm happy he warned me, because it did happen a couple times. Relatives may not lift a finger to help, but they will be ready to criticize, and you have to be ready to give and take and in addition, to become an arbitrator between others who aren't even involved, but have different ideas on what should be done.

Nice going on the two months. Keep it up.

If she was becoming unsafe in her home maybe better now she is in full time care?

It was somewhat of a relief when my mother went into care, didn't have to worry about her falling any longer. Travelling to help in her home. Caring is hard work. Can lose oneself if not aware.

Time now to become "free for life."

No need to drink over it. Celebrate.

I would not forego sobriety for anything. Nothing I can think of at anyrate. :)

Hi kittencat

It is hard to liver sober but I think it's easier than drinking. The big change for me was relaising I was in control of whether I decided to drink or not.
I committed to doing anything else but drinking to deal with life..

The more times I did that the more natural it felt.

I think when we find ourselves incapable of looking after ourselves going somewhere where we can get looked after is a good option - although I realise it's painful for you and I'd guess even more painful for your mom?

Be there for your mom KC - stay sober.

It's a big move, a big decision.

My mother (now 90yo) started having frequent falls which lead to great difficulty getting around and additional injuries. Over time, she needed a greater level of care that could not be done at home.

She's now in assisted living. She's still sharp. She had COVID last fall.

She adjusted. She likes the company of the residents and the people who care for her. My two sisters live very close to where she lives.

She had a successful career and a difficult life. She's very resilient. She was a wonderful cook with four and then five children who worked full-time. She helped me to get sober. She's been sober for forty-one years.

People talk a lot about the necessity of taking care of yourself first. That might be the best thing for both of you.

I’m 27 months sober, and I’d say every ex-drinker is scared of relapsing to a certain extent. Life events might come along and totally change the way we think. What you can do is keep doing what you’re doing - 2 months is brilliant so far - and take necessary stops to avoid the possibility of drinking, e.g. no alcohol in the house.

Anxiety will be worsened by quitting drinking, but this will improve with time. I’m not playing down two months, but your body and mind will still be adjusting.

You’re doing well.

I hope your mother gets better soon.
Good work on 2 months!

Take any option of drinking off the table.
You don't drink anymore.

It does feel great! 😊

My mom never wanted to leave her home either, but it’s a condo with doorways too small to be widened for a wheelchair even though we (my sisters and I) would have been able to put a roll - in shower and remodel the kitchen for wheelchair accessibility she would have needed round the clock caregivers. Sadly it wasn’t going to work financially.

I think there’s fear but also sadness ruling me now. Trying to make the best of it by keeping my mom cheerful through daily texts and calls. 🙏

I was also fearful of relapse in those early days. I'm a bit in and still have that momentary top-of-the-rollercoaster feeling from time to time. It's frightening and can be anxiety-inducing for sure. I taught myself to think/say/write in that very moment, "I don't drink now." I've found that it's easy to not drink "now" because I can always not do something for just a moment. This forced me to live through some uncomfortable moments (minutes, hours, sometimes days) and I sure didn't like it. <- Understatement of the year.

But live through it I did.
I still never drink now.

Crappy things happen; I sometimes feel angry, sad, scared, lonely, insecure... all of the feels, sometimes all at the same time.
But I never drink now.

It's like the song lyric, "Sometimes all I can do is keep breathing."
All I can do sometimes is not drink.
And that's ok.

O

It really is overwhelming. I moved down here to help my mom after my father passed 3 years ago. Just housekeeping, preparing food, picking up prescriptions and such. Full time care as she is now is something I’m physically unable to do. She and my sisters know that but you’re right, I still was occasionally criticized. By my mom! That ended quickly, thankfully and she began to appreciate my help. In the beginning she became mad about the way I stacked her ice cube trays or washed her dishes- I was taking too long while hand washing them. Stressful it was.

Thank you, I will keep it going! I just need to remember I don’t drink and take that option off the table. 😊

Yes she is better in full time care. The first time she fell I was there, did no good. She had purchased a new refrigerator and was trying to reach back and unplug the old one. I told her the delivery guys would do all that but she insisted on trying and pulled the old refrigerator out enough to block the kitchen entry. 911 and Firemen to the rescue. Thank you, Steely 🙂

I have not. I’m not sure I want to give credit to a higher power for my abstinence. I’d like to own my bad decisions and also reap the boost to my self esteem for doing it on my own. Might just be my ego but I feel like I’m doing the hard part and want to feel better about myself.

Who knows? I might listen in on a meeting and discover I like it.

It’s painful for both of us, yes. I am there for her.

I wish I had someone looking after me! Guess I need a supportive group of friends. I’ve been so busy with my mom I haven’t made time to form new friendships.

Thank you Dee!

EndGame, you are very fortunate. My mother is only 75. Still sharp in mind but not body. She never socialized, never drank or smoked. But she gained weight and didn’t move. Her muscles atrophied to the point where she couldn’t sit up or stand up on her own. This occurred after my father passed away. He kept her going out daily, I couldn’t encourage her to do basic yoga exercises to keep some muscle and balance. She just wanted to stay in bed and read. Okay, I like to do that too but never to the detriment of my body physically. I’m so incredibly sad about this situation. You’re correct, I need to focus on taking care of myself right now. Thank you!

Really sorry to hear of the situation with your mom, kittencat. Maybe they can help her with PT and movement exercises.

Yes, I’m still adjusting. So much uncertainty about what to do now, where to live, getting a vaccine soon (hopefully). The guy I’m dating drinks, always wine or something here. I will probably need to leave him, I’ve asked him to support my sobriety and he’s not.

Congrats on your 27 months sober! And 🙏

Thank you! I keep reminding myself I don’t drink anymore. I think I’m just having a few sad days here. I hope.

Thank you,Obladi! I am feeling all of those feels currently. I feel so lost. All I can do right now is not drink. I can’t deal with feeling bad about myself and drinking would make me do so.

Understandably so. I can't imagine how hard this is. My parents are aging but thankfully still healthy so I have no real advice to give on that front.
I do know if you take care of yourself you will be 1,000 times more capable of taking care of others.

lol, Yeah that brings back memories.

Exactly. That's your first order of business. While your situation is a major source of stress, just remember that sobriety is not a trouble free pass to life. You cannot escape from these sorts of happenings that are beyond your control, but you will be better prepared to handle them gracefully if you adopt an alcohol free life. Consider this an opportunity to practice sobriety, and each further obstacle will be a little easier to handle.

I like your attitude; The drinking option is "off the table." Make that a mental bumper sticker, and keep it in front of you.