I almost drank tonite
 

But, I DIDN'T!!! I am a newbie - 6 weeks Monday - so it is already amazing and a huge deal that I am alcohol free. But tonite, I really wanted a drink. Really, really, really wanted just one glass of wine. I made myself do a zoom yoga class. I normally keep my camera on because I think it's nice to see, and have the teacher see, faces vs. just a black box. I had to turn it off a few minutes in because all i could think about was that one glass of wine. I could taste it. I could feel it. I literally could not concentrate. Then I started rationalizing. Just one. Totally not a big deal. It will be so nice... But then, I started talking back to my AV, like really?! Just one?! Haha - funny! There is no such thing. And even if you did have "just one" how would you feel after (when you started rationalizing having a second one)? And how would you feel when you went to bed knowing that you gave up 6 weeks of sobriety just for a glass of wine and a taste and a feeling so fleeting that just one turns into to 2, 3, 4, 5, a bottle, oh and maybe a shot or 3 of vodka because when you're drunk it always seems like a brilliant idea to get even more drunk even though it makes no difference anyway and you will feel like **** in the morning.

I didn't drink. My AV lost tonite. And I'm really grateful for this forum because knowing you are all here, and feeling extremely accountable, played a huge part in this. Thank you :)

Glad to hear it ANM and good job on recognizing the urge/thoughts and thinking it through. That's exactly how you do it!

That’s AWESOME!!

Way to go!! :) That's how you stay sober, by not giving in to that voice that lies, Just One. Congrats on six weeks sober, and here's to many more sober weeks. :hug:

So well done ANM.

You are getting the hang of it. Me too.

It works. And we're sober.

Yay!

I'm really glad ANM :)

D

Yes - it works. And yes - we're sober! A thousand Yay's for that and a happy weekend to you. Taking it as it comes :)

Damn.. good job friend. You Rock!

This is the best thing I've read today. Confronting the part of you that wants to drink is great progress. It may come back more timid and less confident the next time.

Congratulations ANM on 6 weeks and corralling the tools to tame the beast. Great story for us all 🤗

The journey of a thousand yays, begins with the first Yay! :)

And a happy weekend to you too ANM.

Great job ANM. Those dirty little AV's of ours. At least we control our arms and only we can grab a bottle. I'm so glad you stayed sober. Forward.

That’s how you build up sober muscles! Great job! The hangover free morning will be more rewarding then wine. Enjoy the time you earned.

Fantastic, very similar to how I often deal with my cravings as well - a combination of active distraction and protective mental exercises. A debate with that AV is never a pleasant experience but feels very empowering disputing it each time. My SMART program calls the same thing "disarming the inner salesman" - the annoying creep that offers crappy vodka and wants to take all of our wealth for it. It does get weaker each time it meets a closed door :)

Thank you for sharing this experience and congratulations on telling that AV voice to **** off! Do you have any other support systems other than yoga videos? Sober friends you can call? Alternative practices? I find going for a walk, calling a friend, sauna, cold shower, breath work, meditation, and meetings all help me through these moments. I know there comes times for alcoholics when the personal self-talk is not enough so I'm putting plans into place for if/when that happens. I do not pray for easy times, but the tools to deal with the hard times.
All the best!

You're right. Just one isn't possible. That's not realistic when it comes to us. WE think it is. But irl it just isn't possible and doable. 1 turns to 3. Then alot of times 3 turns to 10 and on and on.

Good job sticking to it!! Proud of you!!

This is wonderful. Don't drink. Do something else to distract. Don't drink. Give you AV a stern reminder that it is no longer in charge. And then don't drink.

There is much more happening here than you may realize. At 6 weeks and beyond, you will be tested from time to time, but every time you don't drink, you get stronger. Do that 10 times and you get a lot stronger. Every time you don't give in takes you further along toward a point where all this becomes an automatic response, and your AV turns into this whiny little snit that you don't even bother debating anymore because it isn't worth the trouble.

On the other hand, if you give in, it takes you several steps back. In my case, I assume it would take me back to that first day I put the bottle down. I've never given in, so I'm not sure exactly how far back I would regress, but I know I just don't go there. It was never in my plan. Stick with your plan. It sounds like a good plan. I think you found the key.

Hi all,

Thank you for all the kind words, I really appreciate it. I am struggling today. Actually, I've been struggling big time since Friday when I posted. I have not drank but my cravings and AV are out of control. I want to drink. I wanted to yesterday and I want to today. I can't shake it. This is the first time this has happened. I think I was really naive thinking that when I stopped drinking everything would magically be better. It's not. Not at all. Yes, of course it is better that I am not drinking - so yay for that - but I feel like crappy most days. Depressed, empty, sad, lost, bitter, CRANKY, tired, achy. I thought it was supposed to get better? I am going to make an appt. with my doctor this week. I eat pretty well but have been overeating and indulging in the sugar like nobody's business and I think that is not helping. At first, I thought, hell - eat whatever as long as you don't drink. 6 weeks in I need to rein it in bc now I feel like I'm eating not so much due to sugar cravings and more to fill a hollow void that can't be fixed with food. But that's a huge part of it too though. For me, food and wine/alcohol go hand in hand. I LOVE to cook and eat and feed people and go to the market/farmers markets to pick all the fresh seasonal yumminess and make something delicious. And drink wine while I'm cooking, drink wine while I'm eating, drink while I'm cleaning up and putting away, drink wine after dinner watching a movie or tv... It's such a visceral loss all around. I've done really well up until this past Friday.

Why do we drink when we're happy AND when we're sad? It's like - you drink when you celebrate and you drink when you grieve. Some of us (me) drink just because it is as normal as having a cup of coffee. So what do you do when that is gone?

I really don't want to go on medication but I think it's time for some professional medical advice. I need to get out of this rut. There are some moments where I do feel good and happy but also the Covid lockdown does NOT help. Luckily I don't live alone but it's hard I feel like it is much easier to wallow in my own pity party and that is saying a lot because anyone who knows me knows I am super-positive and a glass half-full kind of gal. I believe in acknowledging everything that is going on, feel what you're feeling but then pull yourself up and move forward. I am having a very hard time with that right now.

Sorry for the long post but writing this all down is cathartic in itself. Hope everyone is doing ok today and happy Valentines day :)

I figured those triggers early on and I'll pass it on, but you will probably be disappointed because it's going sound impersonal and flippant. That's not what I'm doing. You drink because you have an addiction. Disappointed yet? Those sad triggers and celebratory triggers, are just things that justify the addiction without really admitting you have a problem. Drinking when you're down makes sense. Normies do it. Drinking to celebrate? That what we did on New Years Eve. There's nothing logically wrong there, but alcoholism doesn't lend itself to logic. It's just a need to keep drinking. It can be physical or psychological, and usually both. Somehow it seemed to help when I understood what I just explained.

As far as getting medical help or psychological help, I always think that's good if you can afford it, but there's something else that may be important. While understanding my triggers helped, there's more to it than just that when beating alcoholism. Learning about yourself using Bob Newhart psychology is fine, but I think with alcoholism, a different kind of psychology helps more. I call it behavioral psychology, where you put self understanding in the back seat, and just force the desired change. This is harder for me, because I have this need to understand everything, but with alcohol, it might be more important to just make the change without wondering about why the change is so hard. It's just hard sometimes.

You might want to process your current situation more, and that's fine, but keep that glass half full, and remember that what you are doing is for a good reason and a desired outcome. You have done well, Glass Half Full Girl. Don't give up on yourself now. They used to say in AA, "Don't leave before the miracle happens." I used to grit my teeth when I heard it, but there is a good message there. Unfortunately the message means more to those who have found it than those who are searching. It's almost insider's joke. But it is real none the less.

This is hysterical and so TRUE! YAY! :)