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Flowing 09-22-2020 07:47 AM

Grieving alcohol
 
In the past I have always struggled to accept life without alcohol and have grieved it's presence in my life. I know that sounds ridiculous considering the amount of misery it creates but I find myself looking at people enjoying a beer or glass of wine and feel like I'm missing out.

I have heard people say that they feel like they have given up absolutely nothing by cutting out alcohol, like alcohol is 100 percent bad and the exclusion of it is nothing but positive.

This is the mind set that I want and I think I need in order to maintain a happy sobriety.... So does anyone have any tips to achieve this?

Thanks

doggonecarl 09-22-2020 08:11 AM


Originally Posted by Flowing (Post 7514451)

This is the mind set that I want and I think I need in order to maintain a happy sobriety.... So does anyone have any tips to achieve this?

By staying sober!

I didn't attain a mindset that I wouldn't miss alcohol when I first got sober. I got it by accumulating sober time. With sobriety came the recognition that fantasying about alcohol was a trick of my addiction.

fishkiller 09-22-2020 08:15 AM

I had to realize what I think I saw is not reality. You saw people "enjoying" alcohol. I am at the stage where I don't enjoy alcohol. That is just my Addictive Voice trying to lure me in.
I do not miss alcohol. I am giving up nothing. In fact I have Gained countless other things since quitting. My brain feels better, my body feels better, my life is better! These are the things I have actually been missing out on!

Anytime I get that romantic fantastical lie about having a drink I just think of all the Other things I will be "missing out" on. No comparison! A clear mind, body and life or a drink of alcohol?? hmmmmmmm

LumenandNyx 09-22-2020 08:21 AM


Originally Posted by Flowing (Post 7514451)
I...but I find myself looking at people enjoying a beer or glass of wine and feel like I'm missing out.

I have heard people say that they feel like they have given up absolutely nothing by cutting out alcohol, like alcohol is 100 percent bad and the exclusion of it is nothing but positive.

This is the mind set that I want and I think I need in order to maintain a happy sobriety.... So does anyone have any tips to achieve this?

Thanks

What a great post. Thanks.

As to the title of your post - yeah, grief is appropriate. You had a relationship with alcohol AND drinking. A big one by the looks of it. And now you've nipped those relationships in the bud. It's painful. I get it. I grieved the loss of those things from my life. It doesn't matter if drinking alcohol doesn't work out for us - it's still the loss of a MAJOR relationship in our lives.

And yes - you are missing out. So am I. We can't drink alcohol like normal drinkers drink alcohol. It doesn't work out for us. Sh1t.
Life goes on. Here's the question: What DOES work out for you? Do that.
:)

brighterday1234 09-22-2020 09:38 AM

The grieving process is a natural part of recovery in my experience.

Gabe1980 09-22-2020 09:45 AM

Thanks for asking this question.

Anna 09-22-2020 10:17 AM

Flowing, have you read 'Drinking: A Love Story' by Caroline Knapp? It's a memoir that might help you to be able to let go of the pull of alcohol. :)

Rsanchez920 09-22-2020 10:28 AM

The book this naked mind
 

Originally Posted by Flowing (Post 7514451)
In the past I have always struggled to accept life without alcohol and have grieved it's presence in my life. I know that sounds ridiculous considering the amount of misery it creates but I find myself looking at people enjoying a beer or glass of wine and feel like I'm missing out.

I have heard people say that they feel like they have given up absolutely nothing by cutting out alcohol, like alcohol is 100 percent bad and the exclusion of it is nothing but positive.

This is the mind set that I want and I think I need in order to maintain a happy sobriety.... So does anyone have any tips to achieve this?

Thanks

I am almost done reading it now and I feel like it has changed my life... The whole premise if you have not read it is basically on learning all the lies that we've been told about alcohol and the role that it plays in our life and looking at the science behind it and when your mind completely does a 180 it becomes almost effortless because we don't feel that feeling of missing out. It's definitely worth taking a look at if you haven't

freedomfries 09-22-2020 10:30 AM

I feel like alcohol is an abusive ex boyfriend. It's tempting to remember the good times and feel nostalgic for it, but we broke up for good reason.

dpac414 09-22-2020 10:33 AM

This is such a good topic, honestly.

I agree with others here when they say that developing that mindset takes time with continued sobriety. You start to see all of the benefits and improvements happening because you are sober, and it feels really good. However, I'd be lying if I said I still don't sometimes think I'm "missing out" by not drinking or wish that I could drink like a normal person. But there's several issues with that line of thinking. First of all, any thoughts of drinking or nostalgia or longing for alcohol is just my addiction trying to get me to drink, so that's a full stop right there. Secondly, I try to examine what exactly I feel I'm missing out on. The answer? Getting drunk. I always drank to get drunk; I never wanted one or two, I never wanted to just celebrate with one glass of wine, it was a three liter box in one sitting or nothing at all. There is no point in pretending that I could ever be happy with just one drink. Therefore, I can substitute alcohol for literally any other liquid and it means the same thing, since the point of having just one is not to get drunk, it's to enjoy the liquid. If I'm not getting drunk, there's no point in drinking. I needed to face the reality of that and stop trying to fool myself into thinking I ever wanted to drink like a normal person. And if I ever relapse, I'll have to accept that I am doing it consciously to get drunk.

This was in practice this past weekend at my boyfriend's place. He just bought a house, and I had the thought that I wished we could have an alcoholic drink to celebrate. Cue going through all the thoughts outlined above. He, being the considerate partner that he is, bought chocolate milk to toast with instead.

Going around with logic puzzles like this honestly isn't super helpful after the first time you realize it. I find it's much better to just shut down the AV whenever it pipes up and not engage with any of it. Shut that **** down and focus on your recovery and the sober life you are going to build. It gets easier.

Idk if this makes any sense, but I just wanted to chime in because I had this thought this past weekend, so it was fresh for me.

nez 09-22-2020 10:45 AM

I got there by intense introspection and self-discovery. What kick-started the process for me was the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was certainly not the only tool used on my journey and I don't believe the twelve steps are the only way to self discovery, but they are what got me started. I do however, believe that I would not have gotten to this point (feeling like I have given up absolutely nothing by cutting out alcohol and the exclusion of it is nothing but positive) without intense introspection and self-discovery by whatever means possible.

At any rate, that is my story and I am sticking to it.

ciowa 09-22-2020 10:49 AM

For many of us, alcohol does have benefits for us but they are generally short term benefits that lead to long term, negative consequences. 1 hour of relaxations followed by several hours of increasing inebriation, a day of sickness and possible long term legal and or social disruptions for that 1 short hour of "fun". There are some interesting books, videos out there that talk about the neuroscience of alcohol and how for some people, it triggers parts of our brain necessary for survival that mix both pleasure and survival traits (like the adrenaline rush or learning to walk as a baby, while ignoring the pain of falling over and over) so those pleasurable moments are indeed real but ultimately destructive.

I made the decision to let go of the nightlife and bar scene period of my life to get sober. I knew I could not recreate that same type of atmosphere and environment in sobriety, the nights of spontaneous actions with no regard for the consequences. I had to let that go and accept it would no longer be a part of my life moving forward. It couldn't be if I were to get sober. So, I hear you on learning to let go and even grieving the loss of something that was ultimately bad for us but still gave us pleasure from time to time.

ActionJ 09-22-2020 10:50 AM


Originally Posted by doggonecarl (Post 7514466)
By staying sober!

I didn't attain a mindset that I wouldn't miss alcohol when I first got sober. I got it by accumulating sober time. With sobriety came the recognition that fantasying about alcohol was a trick of my addiction.

Yeah. I don't even think about a drink anymore. It ceased being an option. I don't look up to or down upon others who drink. I know a few people who drink and more who don't. The ones who don't -- don't seem to be missing out on anything. I see them laughing and enjoying life even when they're simply drinking a glass of water.

lessgravity 09-22-2020 11:46 AM

The analogy to an abusive ex, to me, is spot on. There are certainly real feelings of loss and sadness that go along with moving on from a relationship that was a part of your life for years. But then when the past recedes you begin to see the torment and pain for what they were and you no longer miss that aspect of your life.

Khorhey 09-22-2020 02:18 PM

I grieve it’s presence and it’s loss. To say I didn’t enjoy it would be a lie.

But if you’re here you can’t control it. 90 percent of what you’re missing is bad for you.
Bad decisions, relationships lost, nerve problems, other medical problems etc.

Dee74 09-22-2020 03:34 PM


Originally Posted by Flowing (Post 7514451)
In the past I have always struggled to accept life without alcohol and have grieved it's presence in my life. I know that sounds ridiculous considering the amount of misery it creates but I find myself looking at people enjoying a beer or glass of wine and feel like I'm missing out.

I have heard people say that they feel like they have given up absolutely nothing by cutting out alcohol, like alcohol is 100 percent bad and the exclusion of it is nothing but positive.

This is the mind set that I want and I think I need in order to maintain a happy sobriety.... So does anyone have any tips to achieve this?

Thanks

Like any kind of grief, or change, or growth - it takes time Flowing.
The more I built a sober life I loved, the less I missed the old life I used to have,

D

Hodd 09-22-2020 04:04 PM

I feel I’m missing out by not being a top scientist doing a stint on the international space station or in my younger days as a premier league football star. I can’t do much about either of these apart from accepting it won’t happen. It also won’t happen that I’d drink again without relapsing (coming up on two years sober but zero complacency).

And we don’t know what’s going on with another person. They might seem to be enjoying a quick beer, but they might be a raving alcoholic with liver problems. Anyone posting here will be far better off not drinking,

Hevyn 09-22-2020 05:51 PM

Hi Flowing! As others have said, graciously accepting that it can no longer be part of your life takes a while. I had been drinking for decades and it was destroying me. Yet when I gave it up I seemed to only remember the fun times. They'd been gone for ages - it had brought me only misery in the end. As I got some sober time behind me I stopped feeling sorry for myself & started looking forward to the new life that was in front of me. I would no longer be dependent on it to get through the day - I was free. That feeling took over, and I found joy & happiness again. You will too.

Flowing 09-22-2020 10:54 PM


Originally Posted by Anna (Post 7514540)
Flowing, have you read 'Drinking: A Love Story' by Caroline Knapp? It's a memoir that might help you to be able to let go of the pull of alcohol. :)

Hi Anna. I have noticed that book mentioned a few times on here so I will definitely give it a go, especially if it could possibly help in this regard. Thank you for the recommendation

Flowing 09-22-2020 10:58 PM


Originally Posted by ActionJ (Post 7514556)
I know a few people who drink and more who don't. The ones who don't -- don't seem to be missing out on anything. I see them laughing and enjoying life even when they're simply drinking a glass of water.

I can not tell you how much I hope to be in a similar situation one day, at the moment pretty much everyone I know bases their social existence around alcohol, I would love to have a social circle that did not revolve around alcohol.


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