Max's new Journal
 

Finished day 2. I am a bit taken aback but this is good motivation to stick this quit. Normally I don't have that bad of withdrawal symptoms as I have more sober days than drunk days. When I was single my life was one big binge and I would quit when I had to because my hangover was so bad I couldn't drink anymore. I had extreme anxiety and I will never forget how shaky I was at work and how noticeable it was. Those really bad days are over but the relapses and hangovers are still the same. I have been stuck in a quit for a month or two and relapse for a few days. Now working from home it is more drinking less sober. Of course this will get me in trouble.

Today for day 2 I was more anxious than normal which I hate because my son was driving me crazy. He is almost 2 and deserves better. He is noticeably bothered by how I react to him and goes to his Mom for a hug. This is NOT OKAY and would not happen if I had stopped drinking. This is a BIG motivation for me as this is not who I am. I was anxious most of the day. Slept kinda crappy but fell asleep okay because of my meditation app. I am hoping tomorrow is better for the anxiety. Ate TONS of crap today and didn't care as I am not trying to do too much at once. I work from home and will be working next week. I actually barely remember last week working from home which is BAD. In the past year I was throwing up at work from hangovers, calling in sick and even going in a few times under the influence. I have never done that (in this job) before so that is another sign that I am getting worse. Bottom line, I am journaling this so as to not forget it. I am at the end of day 2 and all this is in the past and will stay there as I do not drink anymore. I am going to add other thoughts here as they come up. Thank you everyone for your continued support. This time I am going to keep logging in here and make my sobriety my #1 priority. Heres to another hangover free day.

Congratulations on 2 days Maximus. I understand how you must feel about your son and I'm sure if you stay quit things will get better. They are not called the terrible two's for nothing. Not drinking is not a panacea but it goes without saying that dealing with the things work and home throw at us is a whole lot better sober and clear headed than drunk or hungover.

You can do it Max, just remember that however much you may want a drink you will never actually NEED one. Good luck.

Good job on getting through Day 2, and you never have to do that again.

Father's Day is a good day to choose to be the best dad you can be. :)

Thank you Anna and Saoutchik for visiting. I was much more patient with him today.

I am taking the first step in protecting my sobriety as I have promised myself I would. It is Sunday night and the last 3 weeks, Monday was the day that the binge starts. My wife goes to work. I watch my son and work from home. The AV is telling me right now that I need to go get alcohol tomorrow one last time. The rationale, which has gotten me over and over again is this. "I don't remember my last day of drinking very well and I don't know if I remember the exact time that I took my last sip so tomorrow, on my own terms I will drink one last time. Then quit on my own terms, remember my last time drinking, mark the exact time that I took my last sip and the AV will no longer have that as an excuse. In reality, usually what happens is I end up drinking the following day and then the following day and then again don't remember my last day quitting very well and don't get an exact quit time. This is my AV's biggest excuse. I will be up for an hour or so and am also looking forward to reading this post in the morning to help me when the AV is at its strongest. I will post this in my journal too but that doesn't seem to get much activity for some reason.

Everyone's posts really help. The AV was very strong this morning. I thought through it a lot last night before bed but needed this thread this morning to get me through it. Really, what does it matter what the exact quit time is? A date is good but an exact time doesn't really matter. It is OCD isn't it? That is how my AV has gotten me so many times though is with getting an exact quit date and quitting "on my terms". F the AV I am quitting on my own terms! :) Thank you everyone!

Day 4
 

Today is day 4. Had my strongest AV activity yet last night and this morning. The reason is because the last 3 weeks Monday morning is when my binges would start. I made my sobriety my priority and posted to SB ahead of the highest risk and it helped and I passed through it. Yesterday was better than day 2. Still some anxiety but was better able to deal with it. I was more patient with my son. Now today I will have him all day by myself. We are staying busy. I had to work in the morning and then we went for a walk. Catching up on SB real quick and then have some cleaning up to do. Really tired but part of it is I don't even try to go to bed until after midnight knowing that I will have some sleeping issues. I am thinking that will start to be better today so I will go to bed earlier. I woke up feeling a little hungover even though I didn't drink and am realizing that it is because I am eating so much sugar before bed. Literally a half gallon of ice cream etc.

Max, it's great that you got through the intense cravings from last night and this morning. That's how to do it! Getting through it will make it a bit easier the next time.

It just takes a little time to break those paired associations, Max.

It's annoying as a drinker who's just quit since there are so many associations - but like Anna said, recognize them, move past them and then it's easier next time.

I bet your boy is loving sober you. :)

Ah Max, a two year old boy, how wonderful. If your AV is anything like mine, it wouldn't give a damn about your boy, because it just wants a drink, and another, forget your boy, ad nauseam. I know you can do this, Max, ignore the AV, and grow in strength, pride and find peace and equanimity, without the neuro-toxin that alcohol is.

Anna, That is exactly what I was thinking. It will only take one or two times and that association will be significantly weakened

Bimini, I remember from smoking having to break even more! But now they are all broke for ciggarettes

Tasy, he is wonderful but if I am not at the top of my game like I was in April and May he can drive me crazy!

Edited to add: I finally figured out how people do multiple quotes and I didn't have to bug you Dee!

:c014: lol

D

Day 4 is over and things are improving significantly. Sleep might not be much better but I think that will change tonight. Relationship with my wife is better and I am figuring out again how to take care of my son all day every day while my wife is at work.

I was thinking about hangovers after seeing some other posts and it made me remember. The day that I relapsed after 5 years I went into work fine, ate a big meal, threw up and felt soo sick I just left and then called them once I got home and said I was sick and had to leave. This was NOT good. They didn't fire me but I was in trouble. This was the FIRST time I drank after 5 years! We go right back to our old habits no matter how long its been. Don't relapse!

Well done on day 4...you are doing great.

You are so right too, we do go back to our old drinking patterns straight away. There is definitely no in between for me. Being sober is so much better

Day Four (now Day Five) and peace with the family is a very good thing.

I hope Day 5 is going well for you, Max.

Been doing okay. Had some depression this morning when I woke up which is not normal. I wouldn't think it was from alcohol withdrawal but must be since it isn't normal. It has come and gone so far. There was some AV activity because of the depression. It was telling me that some alcohol would fix the depression. I laughed at it and remembered that it would....for a few hours and then it would linger for DAYS after. So I told it to F off. I was out for a walk with my son thinking of stuff and what we were going to do all day stuck inside because it is so damn hot. I remembered that last year during the summer I was good because I was drinking 4-6 beers while I watched him during the day which is NOTHING for me. My AV reminded me that that was perfect because hangovers were minimal but you were getting through the long days stuck inside. I thought about it for a bit and it sounded like a good idea UNTIL I TOLD MY AV TO F OFF! :)

Congrats on day 5 Max :scoregood

Depression and anxiety are really common in the first few days, for me anyway and for many others on here. sure things will settle soon :)

Day 5
 

Ending day 5. Had some off and on depression today. Could be alcohol related but I think a lot of it just stems from being stuck at home. I have been working from home since March which has been a blessing but on these hot days it really sucks to be stuck inside all day with my 2 year old. That is what gets me really. I am so ready for the world to open up again. I mean I know that we are opening up a lot of stuff but come on, what has changed with this virus? Nothing, so I am not going out still. I feel really strong in this quit. Being here has helped a lot and the posters that talk about you gotta make this #1 priority and work hard for it really it home. I do need to work hard and I don't think I have been working hard enough for my sobriety. One thing is for damn sure, no matter what life throws at me I ain't drinking another f'in drop of that poison because it has proven time and time again that it just makes everything worse.

Doing great, Max. Grin and bear it for a few more weeks yet. I feel that anxiety. There’s plenty of light at the end of the tunnel if you stay quit.

I came within an inch of relapsing on day 50 when I had a major parent problem. That was nearly a year and a half ago. I already had a few weeks of sobriety under my (much smaller) belt so was able to resist. I’m sure glad I did. You’ll be glad too.

This was my experience too, Max. I drank after two and a half years and within a week or so, the volume ramped straight back up to the previous intake. It was hellish struggling to restart sobriety. I believe my history of excessive drinking, has permanently adjusted my brain's 'pleasure centre' so that I can never be satisfied with a couple of drinks. It has an altered alcohol auto-pilot that kicks-in, if I listen to the AV and drink.

I believe I no longer have an off-switch, and that belief, makes staying sober preferable; and it starkly highlights the AVs chatter, as nothing but a web of lies.

Congratulations on 5 days!

Sorry to hear that, Tatsy, but please continue to mention your experience as posts like yours have certainly educated me. I quit 18 months ago and things are great, but we’re all susceptible to a relapse if we’re not careful.

This is my biggest fear. I'm on day 174, the longest quit I had before this was 53 days about 7 or 8 years ago. I was so scared it might kill me before I quit. Thank you for reminding me that moderation will never be possible.

Good luck on Day 6, Max.

Hodd, thanks for visiting. I am going to try to keep that relapsing far away as I just can't do it anymore. I will remember this post and come back to it if I get close.

Tatsy, of all the years I have been on forums like this (SB and before WQD) that is almost for everyone. Everyone always says if they relapse they go right back to where they left off. Crazy how addiction and our brains work.
Thank you sober45! It is true that moderation will never be possible and for years now I have decided that I don't really care about moderation anyway. I have never done it so don't need it. I don't really get all these people out drinking moderately. Seems like a waste of money and even a little alcohol is not needed and is poison as far as the body is concerned.

I woke up this morning and started feeling depressed again. I think it is because it is another day stuck at home and it is hot so ill be stuck inside with my son. I immedietly turned to thinking about gratitude. Being thank ful for what I have and being able to be home for my son. It worked!

Just like there are paired associations with, "This happened, so drink." So it is with, "I'm up, I'm depressed."

Great job flipping those thoughts - reframing them in a positive way. We are so lucky to live in this era with abundant food, energy, modern comfortable housing and communications. It's the best time ever to be alive. :)

Your son will appreciate sober dad. He is a precious one-time gift.

This is great progress and it's a great attitude to help you get through the tough days. You can do this, Max!

Wow. Today has been a turning point. I actually feel normal again. Went for a 2 mile walk with my son and we saw water birds and butterflies and lizards and sun flowers and tomatoes and airplanes and chickens and horses. (The reason I write it like that is that is the way it feels with a 2 year old :) ) I am starting to feel like I did during april and may when I quit for 60 days. Finding things to do despite being stuck at home. Still sucks its hot but my mood has improved. Sleep was still shotty last night but not bad. Anyway, things are so much better now on day 6. Funny thing is, I know this because I have done this so much. My withdrawals aren't as bad because I spend much of the year not drinking. The issue here is the cycle. Quit for 2 or 3 months, binge for a week and then do it all over again. Where I really need to watch out is once I have been sober a month or two. Funny thing though that bastard AV suggested that since I was finally feeling good I should celebrate with.....you guessed it....alcohol. That bastard pissed off real quick cause I almost slapped him in the face.

Take care of yourself and that little boy, Max!
 

We don’t know each other but in a lot of ways we are the same guy. Make your son the luckiest and most loved boy you can - even if you are struggling, just keep hanging on to him. Be the guy that both of us needed when we were growing up.

I won’t say “you got this” because nothing is ever certain - but if you keep trying, I’m gonna keep trying!

BoyRacer, Thank you so much for your post. Why don't we do it together. There is strength when quitters team up. I do have this! I am confident this time. I am done with this ****