I couldn't stop until I decided I really wanted my life back. This meant I wanted to not drink more the I wanted to drink and it took one day at a time and a battle with that SOB the AV at times but so far so good.
Life is so much better right now and the thoughts of drinking don't surface as much.

I understand what you mean about passing a liquor store. That is why I am scared to even go out the past week while trying to get sober. Just the fear of passing my favorite liquor store that I would always go to and get a bottle and drink. I have plenty of bottles of liquor to drink here at my house, pretty much a full bar, but I have to choose no to drink anymore.

But for me drinking was a process and my favorite liquor store was like a haven for me. I felt so great walking in and just seeing all of the bottles and going down the aisles and grabbing various bottles of spirits I wanted to try. Vodka, gin, rum, tequila, mescal, sotol, scotch, cognac, brandy, bourbon, you name it. I bought it all. And not only that but the people at the liquor store are like family to me and the friends and people I would run into at the liquor store I miss a lot but I just can't drink anymore.

Anyways, back to the original post. I would ask myself that question of why do I do this? I for one enjoyed drinking. I loved it. I liked the taste of the alcohol, holding the glass, bringing a bottle home and excited to try it, and just enjoying drinking and the satisfaction of it. But then as my drinking progressed I just needed the alcohol in my system. I didn't care if it was vodka or whiskey or high end or lower end. Just getting the alcohol in my system to keep me level.

And then say to myself ah well this time I won't drink too much. This time will be different. I won't drink too much and it will be different this time if I just get a control of it unlike last time where I just drank way too much. But that rarely ever happened. It is like that quote, "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results."

I certainly was a prime example of this. I kept drinking and drinking expecting things to be different or not lose control of it but it just never happened. My drinking only got worse.

So I think the reason I that I would keep drinking even though I didn't really like the results was that I was an alcoholic and just needed the alcohol to function during the day. I certainly didn't like being intoxicated from morning until I went to bed but I needed it to function and feel a sense of calmness and stability and get through the day much like some people need their coffee in the morning to get throughout the day and have some sort of order to their day. Without coffee their day would just be ruined. Same with alcohol for me. As much as I knew it was bad for me and as much as I didn't like the end result I just needed the alcohol in my system to keep going and start my day or else without alcohol my day was a bad day.

Because you are addicted, but that's been said already, and it's stating the obvious. Although it's a bit of a sidetrack, the real question is why are you addicted? Early on, before I even quit, I read a book that explained some of the medical and biological changes that have already begun in your body. You body demands alcohol and starts to throw a tantrum when it doesn't get what it wants. Now that's not very biological, but it gets across the point.

I'll take back that its a bit of a sidetrack. Reading about this stuff helped me understand that addiction is not a moral or spiritual failing, a weakness, or the result of bad potty training. It's an actual thing that occurs with different substances in animals. The knowledge helped me face the problem directly. The answer you are looking for is partly in the knowledge, not just knowledge of why it happens, but why you fail, and where your idea of what a cure is like is probably falling short.

The AA contact person was obviously wrong, but don't let that undermine your recovery. There are other alternatives, but all alternatives are really just nudges, they offer advice, suggestions, and tips. The solution is inside of you, like it is for the rest of us, and you need to find it.

You are frustrated right now, and that's not helpful. You're going to be frustrated when you lay the bottle down and the cravings kick in, so you don't want to add this layer of frustration on top of the frustration of abstinence. I wish it was easier, but some of this recovery is hard, and the hardest part is at the beginning. When you are done with that, it's easier, except for the staying sober part, which requires more knowledge, vigilance, and an actual acceptance that you can never again play with fire.

If you are addicted now, you still will be at 5 months and 5 years. It never goes away. It feels like it goes away, and that's what is so dangerous about addiction. But right now, your first order of business is to not drink and get past the cravings. Later, your order of business will still be not to drink. It always will be, but you will have other issues of alcoholism to take into consideration, and you will need to deal with them in other ways. But the thread of continuity than runs through it all from now on is always, "Don't drink. Ever!"

Thanks for posting stable!
This is turning into a great thread! I really hope it helps you. It has helped me today.

It is not an addiction if it is enjoyable. The nature of addiction is that we are not choosing it. As much as we tell ourselves otherwise to keep feeding it. When you really enjoy a glass of wine, you do not 'NEED' it.

My experience with my two addictions (tobacco and alcohol) has been that addiction becomes stronger and any possible pleasure weaker (if any). You may still get something from a cigarette after a very long flight or a first beer with the sun on your face. Progressively, you are not feeling the sun or anything else but the need to consume the first one fast enough to get to the second/third, until you start covering the massive void you are feeling.

I know most of us need several attempts to conquer our addiction. However, my relapses have not been part of my recovery. Every time I have quit alcohol and cigarettes and relapsed, I have become even more addicted. Every time I learnt nothing about quitting. What worked before did not work again.

I had to find another way. For the first time I used a drug (Champix) to quit cigarettes on my latest (and hopefully last attempt). For the first time, I chose honesty and reaching out to quit alcohol. I tried before using on-line services/SR and a couple of SMART meetings. I have stayed sober for a few days/a couple of weeks, here and there.

This time I came out and decided to go for it with total honesty. I hope it works. I only have 7 months of sobriety. If it does not work I will try something different because I am almost 100% sure that the addiction would follow the same pattern and become ever stronger requiring a bigger effort and commitment.

Every day you drink is adding to the effort to quit. It works the other way around. Every day not drinking is removing an obstacle and making the road easier to navigate.

What are you not willing to do Stable? That is a question I asked myself this last time. the answer was always the same: I was willing to do whatever, except confessing my addiction to anybody. I could not cope with the shame. Then I realised that I had to do precisely what I was fearing the most, because it was the main obstacle. Of course it was shameful to confess, but much less shameful than being a liar and a secret drinker.

What is your 'no-no' option? Could that be the solution, at least one to consider?

Dump that booze Mikoss!

You do it to feel better again. Because drinking excessively makes you feel really bad, you drink again to make the really bad feeling go away. After so long, it doesn't really make you feel good again and you don't enjoy it, you just do it as a temporary fix to stop feeling really bad.

It's a viscous cycle. The only way to end it is to quit. It's not any fun at first, but it gets better, a lot better.