I want to be sober but I don't want to be sober
 

Hi all, if you remember me, I was just posting a few weeks ago and I think I made it to day 8, I dont remember. I ended up convincing my husband that I could moderate and bought myself a big ole bottle of rum. It lasted me one week :( about what it would have lasted me before "I quit". It felt so good because my AV got what she wanted but honestly I felt so guilty and have been feeling guilty ever since. My husband said he cant do this, one day sober one day not thing. He got so excited when I told him I was considering quitting again. I know I let him down :(

I took last night off of work and I had drank the night before. Not too much, but enough to know I had. Foggy that morning, lack of personal hygiene, that kinda thing. My husband won't let me drink on nights that I stay home from work. And even though I knew I couldn't drink last night, I was and I felt miserable. I dont even know how to be in my own home sober, with my 3 teenagers :( all I kept doing was thinking about how I wanted a buzz so badly.

I dont understand it, I wish that I could. I love waking up like I did this morning, well rested, not hung over, ready to tale on the day. But come 3 or 4 o'clock in the afternoon, this chick is ready for a drink. Why do I crave the little satisfaction of a buzz when there is so much better waiting for me?

My husband has done so much for me and I keep doing this to him. He has a chronic heart condition that will end in sudden death, when of course, we dont know but his condition is worsening. I count every day a blessing. I want to get better before something happens to him. I want to be the wife he claimed I could never be again.

This sounds really petty but I was thinking of telling him this bottle is my last and I will not buy any more. But my "poor" brain tells me that that was a 13 dollar bottle and now I'm just wasting money by dumping it away, if I dumped it out today. I really need help right now and a kick in the arse. :(

I really wish I had an answer for you.

I will say I am in kind of a similar situation as I have so much to be grateful and live for but the power of the alcohol always seems to win.

I have tried to quit saying it was for my family but that hasn't worked.

This time I am doing it for me.

I don't want to feel like sh!&
I don't want to miss out on things
I don't want to look like an a$$ at the party
I don't want to die like my Grandfather wasting away from liver disease.

I have been selfish about my drinking not thinking about others so why not try to be selfish about my sobriety?

If you get the urge to drink just post here asking for help. I have only been here a week and have already seen that happen and it worked.

Good luck and keep coming back

Hi RedheadJen. Pour the rest of it out. If you had a jar of bleach in the cupboard and somebody suggested you drink it, you'd dump it out. It is poison and wants to kill you. I'm living in Day 62 here and one of the things that I remember (that my AV doesn't like me to remember) is how brief the maniacal rush is after the first few drinks. An hour tops, often less, and then it is simply exhaustion, misery and on it goes. It just simply isn't worth it at all, not by the longest shot. Dump it out and and walk away from it on your own terms.

You want to be sober but you don't want to go through the pain of quiting the drink. Incompatible. There are many good things to come if you quit. But you must go through the pain of suffering your addictive voice and beating it every time. It will get much better pretty soon. Your husband and teenages will feel safer. The risk of your teenager becoming addicted like you will diminish too. You will have that feeling of waking up alive every morning.

There is a price tag to this. The price tag is alcohol. You give up alcohol and you embrace everything else. Good luck

Thank you for sharing your story redhead.

Sorry to hear about your husband's condition.

Like you and fishkill, I've tried to put it down before. Many times. Often only to tear into a 12 pack, or whatever, later the same day. I've also tried to moderate, which resulted in failure. This time is different. Thank God that I found this wonderful group of people. I haven't talked to anyone about it yet outside of this group. This time I'm letting go of all the stress, guilt, conflict, and other things that seem to build up daily and accumulate over time. I'm not going to stress over petty people or continue to internalize guilt from years past anymore. Not sure how I'm going to maintain it, or even if I will be able to, but I see now that its necessary if I'm going to not be ready for a beer or drink at 3 or 4.

Please stick around.

Hello there. Well I'm sure you have read here before. But you got to want to be sober more than you want to drink. I think thats how it goes lol. And no I'm not laughing about this. This sobriety thing is serious business. Trust me I know you dont make it 262 sober not taking care of business feel me. You can do it also. Give it a chance to really do something for you. You wont regret it. I promise you. ✌

$13 is such a small amount that it's not worth keeping if it will further feed your addiction (and honestly even a $100 bottle isn't worth it). Dump that s****.

It's alcoholism. You don't have to understand it. I'm not even can be understood. But it can be accepted. And you can address it and get sober. But you are going to have to do more than what you are doing now, otherwise you are going to stay a hostage to your addiction.

Welcome Back,

I didn't stop drinking until I was done. When I say done, I mean I really knew with every fiber of my being that I never wanted a drink again.

I tried for years to stop. I wanted to be sober so bad, but I think I just wanted to moderate, I never wanted to STOP all together (At that point in my life). I wanted to go out and have a couple and just be happy at that. I did not want to go out and make a fool of myself over and over again. So I tried many different ways to moerate. Count my drinks, only have beer, no shots, drink only on the weekend, limit myself to 4, etc... I failed 90% of the time I put a restriction on my drinking.

I have some sober months, I think the most was 9? I cant not totally remember it was so long ago.

I tell you what... The moment I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to F up my life it all changed, that was 849 days ago (yes, I looked at my app to see how long I have been sober for).

I now live.
I do not think about the drink
I do not want to drink.

I read
Meditate
Yoga
Workout
Hit up an AA meeting when I can just so I am around other people who have the same F up mind like me.
I am a better person
I am a better business partner
I am a better MOM
I am paving my way

I am currently working through my mistakes while drinking and correcting them the best I can and it is HARD but totally FREEING!!!!!

I wish you the best.

I’m not rich by any means. When I quit drinking, I dumped out $500+ worth of booze down the drain including a very rare $200 bottle. I didn’t think twice about it. That’s when I knew that this was finally the time that I was actually going to get sober. Dumping that crap out signaled my brain that I was finally stronger than the booze.

Dump the bottle. You can do it!

I'd imagine there is an answer, but the multiple contributing factors that make us addicts, like psychology, social imperatives and/or genes will be illusive to the majority of us without the IQs of Stephen Hawking. I'd say the search of the answer has been pointless and even destructive for my entire adult life though.

13 dollars. You will not find a better investment in this world than by dumping it down the drain.

Some great thoughts in this thread. Thanks to everyone who posted.

I am not good at multi-tasking. I can look for answers to my questions or I can look for a solution to my problem. Try as I might, I can't do both at the same time and they are not intertwined nor the same thing.

When I look for a solution, I find I am in it. It may only be the beginning, but the solution has started. Action is taking place.

Getting answers to my questions is only that, it is not action, so no progress has happened. I have wasted time satisfying my ego and it's need for answers, when I could have been in action on saving my soul.

Only one bottle of rum drank over one whole week? But you could save yourself a whole lot of pain and angst caused by alcohol consumption ramping up to a bottle of rum every two days, or even a day: by stopping drinking now.

I learned here that wanting a drink after a day, week, month, year, decade is more than wanting to unwind or relax.

That wanting a drink is really desperately needing a drink, exactly like a crack head.

Not getting that drink can be somewhat tolerated for a while, then the mental anguish ramps up. I felt insane. I googled insanity and I had several of the symptoms.

Now that I made it this long, I don't really have any of the symptoms. I have issues for sure, but I have a name for them.

Alcohol induced brain damage. It will never go away. I will crave and obsess forever.

My crave has actually gone mostly away, but the obsession associated with the crave ramps up daily. I am getting more used to it.

I come here pretty much daily to help me remember why I quit. Otherwise, I would surely relapse. If this site ever goes away, I will have to find another place to see my fellow addicts.

I have to gang up to survive. Alone, I am lost.

Thanks.

Hi Red. I remember you because I remember calling you Red in a reply post I think it was, about an interesting topic on a thread I think you posted.

Welcome back. Are you out there? A bunch of SR people would love to see you, imho.

C u soon.

The person you need to make a promise to is yourself, not your husband. Sobriety is a tough gig to maintain when your doing it for other people rather than doing it for yourself. x

Hi Jen,

Sounds like you’re still waffling back and forth about whether or not you’re ready to be sober for good. You have everything to gain from sobriety, and lots you can lose if you continue to drink.

I have been sober for four years now, and I wouldn’t go back to my drinking days for anything in the world. I also have three kids, two teenagers, and one 12 year old, and being able to chauffeur them around at any hour of the day isn’t an added perk to sobriety. I am definitely a more present mom, wife and employee since I’ve been sober.

I think you know that not wanting to waste the $13 you spent on that bottle by pouring it out is your AV talking. You’re smarter than that, and know you’re worth way more than a bottle of alcohol.

If you can get rid of the second sentence in your thread and just say “I want to be sober.” You’ll have the beginning of your recovery. I spent a lot of time reading and positing here in the beginning, I still do each day. But now it’s because I want to support others, and also because I’ve formed relationships with an amazing online family.

I know you can do this, and I promise you sobriety is worth it.

What's up Red?

That ambivalence was the name of the game for most of us while we still drank. I used to think of it as long as living with a divided Self. It's a brutal, sad and difficult way to live. You need to commit to a permanent sobriety, by whatever means. The further you get from day 1,15, 33 etc, the better you'll feel and the clearer your choice will become.

Waiting for you to check back in.

" Why do I crave the little satisfaction of a buzz when there is so much better waiting for me?"


Reasons for drinking are driven by emotional factors, usually feelings of helplessness (about whatever in life makes a person feel overwhelmingly trapped). For me, the first step is discovering or being aware of my emotions and my efforts to regain control with drugs and alcohol. Addictive behavior no matter what it is, always serves and emotional purpose to regain control of one's inner feelings. Once I understood the psychology of addiction I empowered myself to regain control of my feelings with other more healthy high value behaviors that were important to me.

People change, when they are motivated to change. People change when they understand themselves and what they really value in life. When your values trump your addiction, there is no addiction.

Peace.

Hi Jen

Like I think I mentioned last time for a lot of us it's like a love affair with an abusive spouse.

We keep going back to alcohol to see if the relationship changes but it never does.

I knew I had to quit. I was dying, but I still missed alcohol for a while...

My addiction had me so brainwashed I was several months into recovery until I 'came to'.

One day it was like the scales fell from my eyes and I saw how empty that love affair was and how close to self destruction that relationship had bought me.

Alcohol was not my friend, or my lover.

My relationship with alcohol - my addictive relationship with alcohol - was going to kill me unless I gave it up - but before that, it would cause me to lose everything I loved.

I saw then the truth - clear as day.

I could drink - or I could be the person I wanted to be
I could drink - or I could live the life I wanted to live.

But not both - I had to choose.

Don't lose the people who really love you by choosing alcohol.

$13? great investment in your recovery by pouring the rest of the poison away.

D

He has a chronic heart condition that will end in sudden death, when of course, we dont know but his condition is worsening.

right now, to you, the certain negative consequences that drinking WILL bring seem optional to you. because it isn't "that bad" yet. however, i can assure that this is as good as it is ever gonna get......but you too are on borrowed time unless you make the decision to stop for good. i can count at least FIVE people that would immediately benefit from that decision!!!

You have to want sobriety a little bit More than you want to indulge your body and hurt it (alcohol hurts our bodies). It's a choice.

Sobriety isn't easy for alcoholics. It's our security blanket. It keeps us "safe" in our minds.....

Once we stop drinking, we may have to just do some actions to help us to stay stopped.

You can have sobriety, if you want it badly enough. Don't wait until something horrible happens!

I know exactly what you mean, you feel great when you wake up and it's like the day manages to grind you down.

You know it's coming so be prepared. Maybe an afternoon snack would help. A cup of coffee but beware of getting too jacked up on caffeine.

Have a plan for the day, an exercise routine, or maybe an AA meeting, plan out some errands.

AA made it much easier than I thought it would be to get sober. I would never have thought so in a million years, I went as per my lawyer's instructions, but I usually felt much better after a meeting in those early days.

During the day I look foward to a run. There is like a trust we unwillingly build in alcohol. Like I know I will feel better quickly if I drink. I've built that trust in running. I daydream about how I will feel after a run. If your brain insists on daydreaming about the drink just fast foward the daydream to the misery of the next morning. Remember why you want to get sober, don't compromise anything with your AV, your AV wants it all so don't believe any bargains it will offer.

How’s it going tonight Jen?

You have 3 teenagers at home and a husband in delicate health.

I would say you may want to reach out to a therapist of some sort. That is alot of stress on you and a doctor may be able to help you as well as prescribe you something to manage the anxiety you must be experiencing with all of that going on. Even if it is someone to vent to and work through the daily stresses of life....it is a much safer option than continuing to drink.

I am sorry to hear that your husband is in that condition. It sounds like something he is powerless to control or fix at this point. You have the power to get yourself in a better place. Your kids will need to lean on you at some point and you want to be able to provide that support to them, don't you?

Thank you so much for your kind replies and words. I wish I had the time to respond to every single one of them. I don't have time to update now, things have been a little crazy around here. I will update this weekend. I have not dumped out the bottle yet, but I haven't had a drink since Sunday. Thank you again, every one of you....

I think all of us want to be sober and don't want to be sober at the same time, at least early on, and that's how we wound up here.

At 17 days, I wanted to be sober and not to be what seems to be dozens of times since I quit. I typically want to be sober when I wake up feeling like a human being after a decent night of sleep. But then come 5-6 PM, drinking time, I want to not be sober because being sober is not always pleasant to some degree and in some way.

Maybe pick one thing that you hate the most about drinking and keep that in mind. For me it has been lack of sleep. Every time I think 'well, just a couple of beers will fix this empty boring feeling' and then I think of how I'm going to wake up again tomorrow morning feeling like crap because I didn't sleep well, again, and waking up all night either to run to the bathroom to pee or getting something to drink because I'm dying of thirst.

That seems to be working for me, so far.