Here is a little prize for you :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

You are doing an amazing thing for yourself. I will look forward to your updates (I love the long, rambly ones :))

I’m 35 and also got used to the mindset of dying young for the buzz. That all changed when it became a chore to drink and the buzz wasn’t even feeling good anymore.

You are doing great jj. It sounds like you really are putting in the time and effort to get sober. And didn’t it feel like a weight off your shoulders when you were transparent with your partner? I know that was a huge relief to me when I told my wife how much I was really drinking. She was shocked at first mainly because I was doing it in front of her and she never caught on. She has been nothing but supportive in my battle and it sounds like your partner will be as well. You can do this!

Thank you for my prize Rose. :) :)

Yah, I'm sure I will have more rambling stories to come. :)

To be honest Vinny, I think I dropped too much on my partner. We are not together that long (less than one year), but, for some reason there was a really strong connection from early on, and with that trust, and with the mum thing, I started to think again about the actual real possibility that I can quit. It was a huge shining light for me, and I wanted to see if I could make an actual future.

The method I took was not ideal though - throwing way too much information and worry onto him, but, he is still being there for me, and I really feel hope for me, and hopefully for us.

We will see how it goes. But, yes, drinking is a total chore and not enjoyable at all. It's just that stupid inner voice which I think I can get over, and I'm incredibly grateful that I get a chance to do this in a professional environment, as I know that I used to feel jealous of stories of people who had the "luxury" to check themselves in somewhere.

Feeling positive!

As an aside though, isn't it amazing how important secret drinking becomes when hiding drinking from a partner.

When we were spending time together - not so much when we were out - but when we were at home - I was always thinking of how I could get a drink. When he went to bed, I would stay up later so that I could drink (also because I have bad nightmares which are probably due to all of this drinking and loss of control), and, even though I felt so comfortable in his arms, and I knew he would like me in there, and even though I was always exhausted, I would choose to sit outside in the cold drinking and smoking until I reached whatever point it was to say - ok - it's bedtime.

It really is the most self-destructive behaviour.

It really is, isn't it?
It's almost like (or maybe exactly like) having a secret lover. Who abuses you.

I'm very excited for you and looking forward to all of your "ramblings!"

O

Hey Obladi :)

Yes, it is like that. It's like a constant secret and constant thoughts and you would wonder what it's like not to live like this.

So, I was due into work today, but after getting ready and getting myself as far as the door, had a total freakout, so, I have one call in 20 minutes that I have to take, and then I'm going to go back to the doc and then go into hospital tomorrow morning.

Managed to reschedule my nail appointment to later today (priorities! But it's a Shellac which will look terrible if not redone, so that's one thing I can fix). The hair can wait.

Ahhhhhhh!

The thoughts of just spending the weekend here on my own were also freaking me out. I don't know if I'm relieved or just absolutely terrified. I'm swinging on terrified at the moment.. ahhhhh! :/

sounds like a plan, jjkjlklj :)

D

Breathe.

:)

I totally shared all your drinking habits - staying up later than your partner so you can drink secretly, drinking more after you get home from a party, having such massive tolerance that you've probably got a mind-blowing BAC but people don't even realize how much you drank.

All I can say is I'm so much happier and healthier now that I quit. Also, I think complete honesty is an essential element in recovery. You can't soft-pedal it to your partner even if you haven't been together that long. Also, you need to be a little selfish in recovery. Focus on YOU. If he can't handle it, you can't let that drag you down even if your recovery is challenging for him or hurts his feelings.

Also, I knew I was an alcoholic, but like you, I didn't want to deal with it and just figured I'd die young. My brother was the same way and he actually did die a couple years ago at age 59. We miss him and I wish I could go back and talk to him about recovery (I was still drinking when he committed suicide).

Freak outs and oversahring with those closest to us happens. We really don't know which way is up except we have a tiny but of us holding on to the desire to quit.

That's what has to come first and the dynamics of you relationships, after. I knot that sounds tough.

Please keep the help for you that you definitely need right now and have some practical tools like the work break to pursue. So glad you are here.

Thank you guys

It's good to hear about the similar situations. Yes, the tolerance is a blessing and a curse because you can be the best behaved at a social event, but have so much alcohol behind you, and the thing is, there can be that one social even where it hits you are you become an absolute disaster. So, you never know.

Anyhow, the timezone here is different to most of you I guess. It's around 11pm (by the time I hit submit), and I'm off to the hospital. Hmmmm.

Anyway. All packed, got nails done, hospital will think that I'm a total nut job rocking up with a suitcase of clothes, but that it how it is.

So, this will get boring, but I would tell one more rambling story.

The last time that I tried to quit was 4 years ago. I went (getting the alcohol out of my system) without any medical help, but I did go to AA. I think I went there about four times in total, and stayed off for three and a half days.

The first time I went, there was some mantra given out which said, if you want to be happy, be happy. That really worked for me to get through the no sleep, the endless Camomile teas with honey (which I can never look in the face again), and just facing not drinking.

In like the second or third meeting I was saying this, and one of the guys (a young fellas who had recently relapsed) said "I wish I had it as easy as [insert my name here!]."

Well, it was easy enough to stay off the drink for those 3.5 days, but that was the best I managed. And the amount of bad things that happened along the way were bad enough. But, I was lucky enough to have a job that kept me so challenged, that I just kept on going.

I feel kinda guilty, because, while I'm not super excited about tomorrow, I am hopeful and allowing myself imagine the what if, but I know people have been in far worse situations and I'm thinking - ok - maybe it will be easy. It's confusing.

It will be what it will be. ohmmmm. lol :)
No but really, it will.

No need to worry over it, feel like you need to compare yourself to anyone else, or any of that nonsense. It's your journey and it will unfold for you as it should. If there's one thing I can be sure of, I'm pretty sure there will be some points at which it will be mighty difficult for you, and then the real learning can begin! For me, that didn't happen until months after I got sober. It's different for everyone.

Right now, you're setting off on an adventure to save yourself. Go with it.

O

jj, so awesome to read of all these steps you have taken, decisions made and stuck with.
i wish you all the best and hope you will keep sharing here.

JJ just keep putting one foot in front of the other. You’re doing great. I have so much hope for you. And congratulations! One of the best decisions I ever made was to seek help to quit drinking.

Hey guys. So, I'm the clinic since yesterday, and I'm not finding it easy at all. Probably loads of reasons, but there are very few English speakers here, and I would do anything to leave. But then I would lose any chance of help from here, and would probably go straight back to the bottle. I'm so terrified!!

I know that feeling, I used to cry and cry in the toilets wanting to go home so badly. But as the days wore on I got used to it and found my own routine, like making my bed and being the first one in the shower. This could save your life hang in there x

Are you on detox meds? It will get easier. Remember why you are there and how free you will feel when you no longer are dependent on alcohol.

Thank you. I'm just so shaken. Every voice that I knew is telling me that I can leave. But I know that this will destroy everything. It's just tough, because I always listened to those guys. Feels like I'm being torn apart.

I'm not on detox medicine, which I'm surprised by given the duration and amount of drink I was on. They gave me some liquid stuff to relax last night and I did actually sleep a bit.

I'm due to talk to the doctor later to hopefully see what the process is but I know I can't talk to anybody about therapy until I stay here over the weekend.

https://images.app.goo.gl/JpZsUncoQHVabqN98

I couldn't save the pic so you have to click the link.

Hang in there