Depression when taking chip
 

Hi, I have a question, does anyone else have this feeling of depression (or just feeling "off") when milestones are reached? I have over 9 months of clean sobriety, but every time I take a chip, I feel "off" for several days. I think it's because I reflect back so much, that I feel like I wasted so much time. Of course I know that if it weren't for those horrible drunken days I would not be where I am today. Today I am happier than I have ever been in my life and the program of A.A. has taught me a whole lot more than just how to stop drinking, it has awoken a spirituality that I never had in my life before. So does anyone else get "token emotion?" I've asked my trudging buddies but they're all excited and happy when they receive tokens. Again, my sobriety is 100% and my tokens are not "dirty". Thank you!

Welcome to the family. :) I've never felt bad about getting my chips. Perhaps you're being too hard on yourself. :hug:

Ironpigs.

A huge congratulations to you on nine months. That's fantastic. I know how much work goes into nine months.

In my 21 years of continuous sobriety, I have never heard the term "dirty tokens." That's such of a good description. And an even bigger congratulations on the clean sobriety.

Just because your buddies are all happy and excited about receiving their tokens, that's not you. Your feelings are your feelings. You don't have to have the same feelings as them. Our sobriety is personal to us.

I've always reflected back when I pick up my medallions for the year. I picked up my 21 year last August and when I went up front to receive it, I just told a funny story about one of the reasons I had stayed so long. I remember picking up my one year token and feeling like the biggest fraud ever. I just knew they would all stand up and say I wasn't an alcoholic!

You're doing great. You can feel any way you want to feel. Each year you'll have a different thought or feeling. I still do. I wish my brother had found the program and not died drunk. In the beginning when I'd pick up my medallions I always wanted him to have one. Thank you for sharing this.

Thank you so much DJ, that makes perfect sense to me. I have to remind myself that my feelings are mine and are often based upon past experiences. My alcoholism progressed very quickly from being a binge drinker on the weekend with friends to drinking everyday including that first shot of vodka in the morning. It got away from me so quickly, though I knew there was a problem even when I was binge drinking. Thank you again.
Least - you are not the first person to tell me I'm too hard on myself, it's a character flaw that I'm working on. I have to remember that it's okay to get a "B" in A.A. as long as I don't take that first drink. Progress, not perfection. :)

very cool

i didnt know when i was new and sober that i didnt have a real, correct and honest sobriety date because i was still smokin' maryjane

a few weeks later i stopped smokin' maryjane and got my real, correct and honest sobriety date

:You_Rock_

good to see ya bring this up,Ironpigs. i cant recall my feelings when i was getting the monthly chips but can recall the feelings at the yearly for a bit. i used to get a little squirrely a couple weeks before-like i wasnt going to make it to that anniversary. my feelings have changed at my anniversary over the years. last one- in april- i didnt get squirrely leading up to it. quite a bit of gratitude and the thought of,"dam,they were right; the days will turn to weeks then to months then to years."
a question for ya- one based on I think it's because I reflect back so much, that I feel like I wasted so much time.
what step are ya on?
ya didnt waste time- ya had to go through what ya went through to get where ya are today. change any of it and ya may not be where youre at today.

my past is a very valuable posession on mine. there are a LOT of lessons of what doesnt work too good. :)

Hello Tomsteve and thank you for your reply and question. I have only one person left to step 9 and that is the ex-wife. Though our relationship is good, she is still in the grip of the disease that is alcoholism. I've asked her several times if I can take her to lunch and make amends, but she just rolls her eyes and says, "we are good". I decided that after several attempts, that I'm going to write it down and then decide whether to mail it or make my amends with my higher power, whom I call God. I continue to make living amends to my kids, my parents and other family members. Step 10, 11 and 12 I do on a continual basis even now. I do a fair amount of journaling, especially when it came to step 1, admitting that life was "unmanageable". For me, I was very specific in my journaling of what was unmanageable. What's funny is when I look back on it, I see a lot about my physical and emotional health being completely out of whack, but nothing about spirituality, because that was completely absent from my life. I was a closet atheist. Now that I do have a higher power in my life, I have a balance and peacefulness that I've never had before. Being a man born in the 60's, I was not encouraged to show a lot of negative emotion and that led to years of suffering in silence. The program of AA has taught me that opening up does not only help relieve personal angst, but that it's really necessary to live a happy and serene life.

Hello again DJ, as a brand new person on this site I only have the ability to post on the boards, but I'm happy to do that with great sincerity. I too stay very busy with my job, family and volunteer work (coaching). I make a comfortable living but know that I have to continue to go to meetings to further advance my sobriety so I am able to not only go to work, but excel at it. Again, I am happy to and honored by your ask. I sure hope you read this. :)

I have read your reply, and I thank you. Your sincerity and humility has made a huge impression on me.

Hi and welcome Ironpigs :)

I'm not an AA guy so I have no chips but I'm familiar with feeling regret about the time I wasted in the past.

The longer I'm in recovery tho the less the past seems to matter - not that I forget it, but I've made my amends an d my whole life is, to some extent, a living amends for the way I loved then.

To me now the really important day is today - it's full of promise and opportunity and I need to focus on that that,

It would be a shame to miss any more days cos I was facing the wrong direction looking back...y'know? :)

D

Perhaps, and this is just a suggestion, instead of accepting the tokens since they do not have a positive impact on you (and honestly wouldn't on me either), treat or reward yourself to something special for reaching new milestones.
Would it be conceivable to skip the chips if you explain it to them?

Hi Caprice6 and thank you so much for weighing in. I don't take the chips for myself, rather I do it for others as I see as part of step 12. I think if I were to skip taking the chip and telling my story, it would be selfish. So I take the chip, not for me, but in an effort to share my experience, strength and hope. I know when I first came in I wanted what the old-timers had, but it was those that were new to sobriety that I could most easily identify with. Watching people who were sober for 6 months, I couldn't believe how clear-minded they seemed to be and it was those people that made me think, I can do this too. So again, I don't do it for me, I'd love to skip taking them, but do it to 12 step others. :) Thank you again for your suggestion, I do appreciate it very much.

OK, but you could also practice rewarding yourself too on those dates. It's ok to do so and it isn't selfish in any way. I, and most others, find it that part actually hardest, and I haven't actually done anything extravagant cuz I find that I do not deprive myself of anything, but perhaps when I reach a milestone like 3 months (new and only record in 15 years), I may plan on something out of the ordinary.
They do say in my program it's important to do so every week, but honestly, I don't pay mind to doing so weekly.
Do as I say, not as I do, :) but I would not like being handed chips, it would make me reminisce on what a shame.

Hey, IP. :) Here's what I had done with my chips for months 1 thru 11 and my one year chip. :) A good and very talented friend of mine made it for me and I love it. :)

https://i.postimg.cc/9Xr6RWdt/chip-clock.jpg

I don`t go to AA but I do feel this way at sobriety milestones.

I feel like I should feel....better.

But it is what it is. Ultimately these are just numbers and I think the support people give us is whats key.

I find it odd that you don't want them, but take them and then feel bad. I've never seen someone refuse a chip, and I don't understand what purpose refusing them would serve. I wouldn't take a chip if it made me feel bad. Nor would it offend me if someone else didn't take one.

Thank you Kinzoku, funny you should say that without my prompting, because that is part of my emotions. Even though I'm very diligent about my recovery going to meetings several times a week, working my steps, reading the B.B., daily reflections, How Bill Sees It, 12 Steps, 12 Traditions, etc. and the desire to drink has left, I feel like I should be further along. Dont' get me wrong, I have a great many supporters in my morning meeting and am the secretary on Mondays but between the reflecting on my past and thinking where I am, I feel like I should be further along. I think many of us alcoholics are not only sensitive, I think we have a tendency to beat ourselves up a little. No desire to drink and am more than happy to help others to help find what I've found thus far.

Hi DriGuy, I love that username, that's a good one. You are exactly right, people in my home group don't experience that either which made me feel like I was alone in my feelings, but thankfully this forum has shown me that others feel the same way. It's not feeling bad when taking a chip, its feeling of despair because of the years that I felt I lost because of the blackout drinking. Before taking a chip, I always reflect going back to my journals and reading how horrible I felt. Not just the physical and mental deterioration but the collateral damage I caused to those around me, that's what triggers the remorse. Luckily this is a great forum and it brings me great peace knowing that others feel the same way. Many that experienced that in the past, have told me their regret faded with time. I am so grateful today. Now I consider my alcoholism as a blessing because it brought God into my life where He was not there before. I think when I take my 1 year chip in a couple of months, I will be much more comfortable because of what I've read here over the last several hours.

Least, that clock is cool! It's not only unique, but I love that each chip represents a certain amount of sobriety time and it's on a clock which measures time. You got a cool duality thing going there. I really like that!

Maybe it has something to do with expectations. I know that at many types of milestones achieved I have similar feelings. I think that we sometimes just expect different or more. The reality is that those milestones are just another date or life event and there is just another date or event afterwards.