Family drama
 

Hi Mariposa

I agree we should avoid drama where we can in early recovery. Sounds like a bit of detaching would be beneficial

D

I'm dealing with the same thing, my exwife has been defined as the classic abuser and she tought our youngest daughter well. I have had a difficult time separating my exwife behavior and my daughters. My daughter has been able to trip my PTSD so I've had to limit exposure to her to the minimum. I feel sad for my daughter she has learned a pattern that will just bring her nothing but grief in life. But toxic to me never the less.

Yup, my family was toxic, too.

It could be time to step away from the drama and take care of yourself.

im sorry youre going thru this pain

God bless

Hey Mariposa,

I'm really sorry that your family situation is so hard. My family is dysfunctional af, and I had to cut ties with my father - it's been over a year since I've spoken to him. But the good thing is that once you make those really hard decisions, you can focus fully on your own healing and wellbeing. You really are the most important person :)

My advice would be to focus on right now - what can you do to help yourself today, even for the next hour? Then, hopefully when you're feeling less overwhelmed you can take some time to work out a plan of how you will deal with the situation. Family stuff is so hard because you're technically supposed to love them no matter what. But at what cost to yourself?

Are you able to see a counselor or therapist? It always helps to get a third party view and can help you with processing everything.

Anyways, please keep posting/venting/etc. <3

I'm sorry for your situation. :( I hope you can detach so you won't have to deal with all of it. :hug:

I agree with others here that its time to take steps to distance yourself from those who are not supporting your sobriety.

I definitely think it is normal to feel that kind of physical pain when you are in hurt.

Proud of you for being here and sober, I'm sorry for the way evveryone is behaving.

Yes, physical pain is common when you are hurting emotionally. I am so sorry you are going through this. Detaching is a good idea right now. Sounds like you are not getting any support from your family - you will have to look elsewhere for support. And seriously think about how to get yourself out of the situation in order to protect your sobriety. I had to mostly detach from my father after a couple of years of sobriety. It was awful. But no one in my life made me want to drink the way he did. It was a complicated family dynamic, but there was no fixing it, as far as I could tell. He passed away last year. At first I felt guilty that we had not had a good relationship leading up to his death, but I have mostly forgiven myself. I'm here, sober, and living a good life. I felt he was trying to tear me down, and I wasn't going to have that. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.

Yeah family. We're raised to think that family will have our backs, and we'll have theirs (because at least in my situation, I'm not a total blameless victim). Unconditional love, whatever that actually is (a feeling I think I've only seen dogs exhibit). And the family of origin, parents, siblings...often the perceived betrayal is that much worse because the expectations are so high.

I've learned that my family has been locked in a tightly woven dynamic of toxicity since my parents began laying eggs. They aren't 'bad' people, they are sick people. So they created sick kids. A dynamic of 'not enough' so everyone had to compete to get their needs met. Neglect and abuse...and I've realized its more kid vs kid. As opposed to parent vs kid.

I'm older. And I still am reduced to an angry, frightened 8 year old when faced with the dynamic of my brothers. The person I actually think I get the most frustrated with is me. I don't have to let them do this 'to me'. But I do. And I own that. I'm an adult...big time. And I see that they too are also powerless over the roles they play, and the place they have in the pecking order. And the perceptions we all seem to have of each other are locked in stone. Nothing will change. No matter what I do, I will always be the scape goat. The 'crazy' one.

So it is up to me to step off the stage. Stop playing my role. I can't control them. I can't change them. And if I keep trying to perform, I keep getting cast in my role and playing it like I'm trying to win an Oscar.

So step off the freeway. Let the cars pile up. And watch the show. When one person stops performing, it changes the whole dynamic. And as an adult, I teach people how to treat me. I'm not a victim anymore.

This post really struck me. Children can be very triggering, no doubt. But I feel sad for her. How old is she?