Notices

Family drama

Old 05-06-2019, 02:38 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Family drama

I’m going through family drama. It’s hard enough dealing with getting my life together, not drinking then have my father say my junkie niece, wants to kick my a**. I have to face the truth that my family are toxic and cut ties. Whoever said parents always love their kids don’t know my parents. They crave drama, pick favorites, abuse, and just tear people down. I’m sure many of us have toxic family, I just feel so angry right now.
mariposa is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 02:44 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,036
Hi Mariposa

I agree we should avoid drama where we can in early recovery. Sounds like a bit of detaching would be beneficial

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 02:49 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Thank you Dee, it is so hurtful and shameful. I’m crying in my kitchen trying to pull it together. I’m going to let things go and just move on from it. I started drinking to escape the problems I had at home as a kid. I can’t let it cost anymore hurt.
mariposa is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 03:23 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Action's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2019
Posts: 182
I'm dealing with the same thing, my exwife has been defined as the classic abuser and she tought our youngest daughter well. I have had a difficult time separating my exwife behavior and my daughters. My daughter has been able to trip my PTSD so I've had to limit exposure to her to the minimum. I feel sad for my daughter she has learned a pattern that will just bring her nothing but grief in life. But toxic to me never the less.
Action is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 03:26 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,325
Yup, my family was toxic, too.

It could be time to step away from the drama and take care of yourself.
Anna is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 04:51 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
AA Member
 
january161992's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: Silicon Valley
Posts: 2,977
im sorry youre going thru this pain

God bless
january161992 is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 05:21 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
I’m feeling pretty broken, problems with my husband, my family. I did a workout even though I felt a lot of anxiety and weak. Trying to not feel anything right now, just breathe. I need to branch out and focus on my own happiness.
mariposa is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 05:40 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
dpac414's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 850
Hey Mariposa,

I'm really sorry that your family situation is so hard. My family is dysfunctional af, and I had to cut ties with my father - it's been over a year since I've spoken to him. But the good thing is that once you make those really hard decisions, you can focus fully on your own healing and wellbeing. You really are the most important person

My advice would be to focus on right now - what can you do to help yourself today, even for the next hour? Then, hopefully when you're feeling less overwhelmed you can take some time to work out a plan of how you will deal with the situation. Family stuff is so hard because you're technically supposed to love them no matter what. But at what cost to yourself?

Are you able to see a counselor or therapist? It always helps to get a third party view and can help you with processing everything.

Anyways, please keep posting/venting/etc. <3
dpac414 is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 05:57 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,668
I'm sorry for your situation. I hope you can detach so you won't have to deal with all of it.
least is online now  
Old 05-06-2019, 06:40 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 591
Thank you all so much for the comments, bringing tears to my eyes. The husband decided to go out drinking with friends, no call, no note, then make pizza for his friends. I’m livid and feel so betrayed by everyone right now. I thought I can go out and not say anything and have some drinks too..... but no, because I need to be strong enough to cut ties with toxic people and drinking won’t make it any better. What a bad day, I’ve seen what I need to see. Detachment is a feeling I need the most right now. I’m literally having pain in my heart and stomach from the hurt. Is it normal to feel physical pain when emotionally hurt?
mariposa is offline  
Old 05-06-2019, 06:45 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
kinzoku's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 919
I agree with others here that its time to take steps to distance yourself from those who are not supporting your sobriety.

I definitely think it is normal to feel that kind of physical pain when you are in hurt.

Proud of you for being here and sober, I'm sorry for the way evveryone is behaving.
kinzoku is offline  
Old 05-07-2019, 06:34 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Giving up is NOT an option.
 
MLD51's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,791
Yes, physical pain is common when you are hurting emotionally. I am so sorry you are going through this. Detaching is a good idea right now. Sounds like you are not getting any support from your family - you will have to look elsewhere for support. And seriously think about how to get yourself out of the situation in order to protect your sobriety. I had to mostly detach from my father after a couple of years of sobriety. It was awful. But no one in my life made me want to drink the way he did. It was a complicated family dynamic, but there was no fixing it, as far as I could tell. He passed away last year. At first I felt guilty that we had not had a good relationship leading up to his death, but I have mostly forgiven myself. I'm here, sober, and living a good life. I felt he was trying to tear me down, and I wasn't going to have that. You need to take care of yourself, first and foremost.
MLD51 is offline  
Old 05-07-2019, 07:25 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Yeah family. We're raised to think that family will have our backs, and we'll have theirs (because at least in my situation, I'm not a total blameless victim). Unconditional love, whatever that actually is (a feeling I think I've only seen dogs exhibit). And the family of origin, parents, siblings...often the perceived betrayal is that much worse because the expectations are so high.

I've learned that my family has been locked in a tightly woven dynamic of toxicity since my parents began laying eggs. They aren't 'bad' people, they are sick people. So they created sick kids. A dynamic of 'not enough' so everyone had to compete to get their needs met. Neglect and abuse...and I've realized its more kid vs kid. As opposed to parent vs kid.

I'm older. And I still am reduced to an angry, frightened 8 year old when faced with the dynamic of my brothers. The person I actually think I get the most frustrated with is me. I don't have to let them do this 'to me'. But I do. And I own that. I'm an adult...big time. And I see that they too are also powerless over the roles they play, and the place they have in the pecking order. And the perceptions we all seem to have of each other are locked in stone. Nothing will change. No matter what I do, I will always be the scape goat. The 'crazy' one.

So it is up to me to step off the stage. Stop playing my role. I can't control them. I can't change them. And if I keep trying to perform, I keep getting cast in my role and playing it like I'm trying to win an Oscar.

So step off the freeway. Let the cars pile up. And watch the show. When one person stops performing, it changes the whole dynamic. And as an adult, I teach people how to treat me. I'm not a victim anymore.
entropy1964 is offline  
Old 05-07-2019, 07:28 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Originally Posted by Action View Post
I'm dealing with the same thing, my exwife has been defined as the classic abuser and she tought our youngest daughter well. I have had a difficult time separating my exwife behavior and my daughters. My daughter has been able to trip my PTSD so I've had to limit exposure to her to the minimum. I feel sad for my daughter she has learned a pattern that will just bring her nothing but grief in life. But toxic to me never the less.
This post really struck me. Children can be very triggering, no doubt. But I feel sad for her. How old is she?
entropy1964 is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:28 AM.