Am I Worthless
 

I relapsed. I don't know when it started, but I was drinking at work and hiding it. I drank on Librium. I drank every morning when I woke up. It was all about getting those first few gulps so I could function.

Eventually, my boss told me he could see it in my face that I was not doing well and sent me home; this is fine, as I had already given notice that I am quitting anyway. It's still embarrassing though.

Every time I drink, I send text messages and Facebook messages that I should not be sending. I send them to my boss, to my job supervisor, to friends and family. Do I even have friends any more? I****ing doubt it.

Today is day 1. I tapered down Friday and yesterday. I didn't have a choice but to drink a pint slowly over the day yesterday. That sucked worse than getting **** faced because I had to control it or risk a seizure coming down. I suppose the taper worked.

I hate myself right now, and I can't go back to my job for this last month. There was recently an incident at my job where a (POS) coworker shined his taser in my face and said "Check out my new self defense toy." Yes, he was essentially threatening me with a weapon at work. I kept it to myself until I was *********, then I went off about it in text messages to my boss. He was written up. I don't feel safe going back. But that's not really why I relapsed. I drank again because I'm an alcoholic, and there's always a reason to drink, even if it's for no reason at all.

You are not worthless, but you are, in you own words...

There is a solution. Actually several. Now its up to you to apply one.

I feel you. I once sent a drunken email to my boss accusing him of rifling through my desk. I was going to quit anyway because it was a full commission job and I was too pickled on vodka to do anything, but he fired me first. Madness...

You're not worthless. :hug: You are addicted, that's different. :hug:

There are a few of us here just starting out. so you not alone. I cannot control alcohol. simple. I am just learning so I dont have advice for anyone, all I know is that this forum is a lifeline. Stay logged in. Post. Make Day 1.
I will make 2 days in about 7 hours. Friday was awful. Detoxing now, but each day will get better.
Glad you posted.

There were always reasons behind my drinking even though I didn't think so. When I figured out those reasons and worked on them and me, amazing things happened!

Sobriety ain't all puppy dog tails and rainbows, but it beats whatever is in second place by a mile.

I don't recommend alcoholism as a path for anyone, but it led me to today; for which I am grateful because I probably wouldn't have gotten here by any other path.

I know that feeling, to an extent at least. I was with my last job for 21 years, since I was 17. The last few years I had FMLA from my psychiatrist that covered me at work when I missed days due to anxiety or insomnia. Really I was just drunk and no one new. 1 day turned to 2 to sometimes an entire week. But I was legally covered. Despite my reviews and the bosses repeatedly saying I was the best there was, my unreliability was an issue. But the big dog, and it was a large firm, couldn't do anything about it.....until...I said something on FB that was "controversial". It was really no big deal, but the trolls who were offended came after me. Hard. Posting my home address, calling for violence on myself and daughter, etc...to which my reply, though drunk was honest....come to my house and I will shoot you. Dead. Some trolls clever editing and screen captures sent to the HR department of company and I was fired on the spot for violating the code of ethics. When you work for Federal agencies and other government organizations, they don't take any risks.

I had a secure, cushy job and I ****** it up because of poor decisions while drunk. Now I did walk right into another job making more money, but I don't enjoy it all that much and I'm not comfortable at all. Fewer perks, etc. But I did it to myself and took an entire month off between jobs to get sober and back on track.

Let's hope we don't F our new jobs up also!

It's the detox that's the shittiest part for me. I'll do meetings, work steps, and hopefully eventually make up for upsetting people.

I really didn't want to be an HVAC technician anyway; so there is a silver lining. I'm sorry, but I have an advanced degree that's not getting used changing filters on rooftop HVAC units. Drunk me was honestly just pissed off about the taser incident; but I went about it the wrong way. Of course, that's because alcohol is not good for decision making. But also like I said, it's not why I drank. I drank for a complex set of reasons that I'm going to have to figure out to maintain sobriety.

Anyway, this will be my accountability thread.

How long were you sober? How was it?

My longest since I started drinking (10 years or so) was 13 months.
It was a lot better than this :)
I think the original relapse last year was due to boredom and general discontent.

Don't try to figure this out by yourself. Join the April 2019 group.

I felt worthless (still do at times) but I'm now able to separate my thoughts and limiting beliefs from the effects of alcohol. Alcohol will betray you and take everything along for the downfall, including your sense of self-worth.

You don't have to suffer anymore. Now, when I feel pain and anger at least I know these are my emotions and not the after-effects of a bender.

Lets be sober together today.

It sounds like you have a lot of tough stuff going on, I can promise alcohol will only make it tougher.

You are most definitely not worthless. :)

I'm glad you're here and on Day 1. You sound like you're ready to make this work. Good luck with your upcoming job interviews. Keep in mind that sobriety will serve you well at every step of the way.

I remember and I'm glad you are back.
I know I couldn't focus on the why- and really, I don't now...unless it is actively part of a current life issue, if that makes sense. So my "why" nature has to turn stuff from "why am I- or why did I - or..." to "how does [that past thing or explanation or..] help me or hurt me in terms of staying sober?" Basically, it won't if it's something I'm hanging onto that causes present harm.

I've seen you pop up on other threads - glad you are participating. You can do this.

support to you

be nice if there was a "blow and go" thingie on electronic devices, like cars! save a lot of drunk dialing or drunk texting or drunk posting.

OR just don't drink. LOL

i appreciate your honesty and how you aren't willing to place blame on persons places or things for your drinking. best if we just own it and then deal with it. much less complicated.

staying sober requires exactly one thing - do not drink, no matter what.
living in recovery...now that's a different animal. the more we put in, the more we get out.

The worst part is I upset a good friend that means a lot to me. I don't know how I'll ever fix that.

I'm glad you're back TWTOM :)

You're clearly not worthless - but your addicted self loves you to think that way cos the despair and self hatred make it easier to drink again.

Don't fall into the trap.

Day one is great - things will get better.

I recommend making some kind of action plan to stay sober - this link might be helpful?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html