In hell
 

Where to begin. I feel suicidal. However, it's not something I'm contemplating or planning, rather just a general feeling. Or perhaps it's more of a deep seated death wish that I've never got rid of. Although there is a huge part of me that's trying to live and trying to stay on the path to a normal happy life. I've had a taste of sobriety, albeit all too fleeting, and there is no comparison.

Right now I have alcohol, cocaine, heroin and sleeping tablets in my system. I've stopped and trying to ride it out. I have a sober app on my phone and the reset button has been hit 5 or 6 times in the last two years.

I'm a man in his early forties. Alcohol has always been a problem. Drugs were more going through phases and experimenting when I was a teen/early twenties. Never in a million years would I have believed that I would have a drug problem in addition to alcohol in my forties. The drugs probably slowly started some four and a half years ago and I'm still in shock at how they got a hold on me.

I was wondering if anybody else developed a drug problem late in life?

I do want out, this thing has me on my knees.

Welcome to SR, Epictetus. I'm glad you found us. I didn't develop a problem late in life but I didn't quit til I was in my 40's. It can be done!:grouphug:

Welcome to the family. :) You'll find lots of us here are addicted to more than one substance. I hope the support you find here helps you get clean and sober for good. :hug:

Hello and welcome, you'll find a lot of support here.

I became addicted to the opioid Norco when I was forty. I was taking it for an injury I sustained.
I started abusing it. I was pretty sly about it so the pain management doctor wouldn't catch on.
I was, and still am, taking a anti-anxiety drug. Plus drinking. Quite the cocktail.
This went on for about five years. I got tired of it. Fooling my friends. Fooling the doctor. And fooling myself into believing this was acceptable behavior.

The first to go was the Norco. I simply told the doctor I didn't need it anymore.
He slowly weaned me off, which as I recall, took a few months.
Then the drinking went. That had taken me years to quit. I was trying to quit before and while taking the meds to no avail. But, that in itself is a long story.
Anyway I quit drinking at forty nine. And I guess I was about forty eight when I got off the opioid.
This was ten years ago.

So yeah, I was older. But now I don't abuse the anti-anxiety drug. I no longer drink. And I could sure use the Norco for pain, but I proved to myself I couldn't responsibly take it, so it has to stay gone.
You're not alone. We're here t help. I understand the helplessness at being at the mercy of addiction to drugs besides alcohol.
But if you really want to quit , you can. I think you know that.

Best to you, and stick around.

Hi Epictetus and welcome :)

as you can see many of us quit in our 40s (or later) so a lot of us share a similar experience to yourself.

I remember hating the face I saw in the mirror every morning and I remember the insane juggling I'd have to do to try and keep my addictions secret.

The good news is there really is a great life after addiction - I've never regretted making the choice. It can mean a lot of change, and some effort , but it's so so worth it.

Even if you'e only thinking of suicide in an abstract way, it's important to realise those kinds of feelings are part of drug and alcohol usuage & is a common part of addiction too.

Especially after we drank (and sometimes during) we suffer remorse and guilt and despair - and that can send us to some dark places.

Even if you never use these numbers or readings, have a look through them - there is help out there :)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html

You'll find a lot of help and support here too - you're not alone anymore :)

D

Welcome to the forum. I can relate to everything that you have said but I will be 31 this year. I want to say that this is the last time that I will have to go through this but I guess I will never know and that is why I take it one day at a time because I do not want to worry that far into the future.

This is a great site with tons of support. Welcome Epictetus. Lately I have been going to a lot of meetings. I've had alcohol problems and drug problems it seems my whole life. I have been sober for 5 years twice in my life. I've been told that most people who go back out for extended periods of time don't come back. I don't know if that is true but if it is I feel fortunate and blessed to have made it back again. I'm 65 and have been sober for 14 months now. If I could go back I wouldn't repeat my relapse. I will some day not regret the past, I believe that but I'm not there yet. It is humiliating and embarrassing to be this age and starting over. Got addicted to opiates, booze and pot for the last ten years. Actually it has been a problem since 16 y/o. I will do whatever I have to do to stay sober. I'm finding reasons to live and am liking it. Addiction has no age limit, doesn't care if your 5 or 95. We are here for a reason and awakening to who we really are and why we are will be discovered through this journey we call sobriety. I've seen it in others and believe it will happen in me and you too. We find what we seek. Stay the course and you will see.

^^^^ Lovely post, JohnnyT !!!

Epictetus, welcome . Johnny said it all , and so beautifully.

You are here now, and you are not alone. Get through today by not drinking, as a start.

Feeling the way you do, sounds all too familiar . I didn't believe people when they said it will get better - but it did. I am turning 57 this year - so also not a youngster - and feel like I am alive for the first time in years !

So glad you joined !!

Thanks so much for the replies.

Really grateful.

Simply reading "you are not alone" from a number of people directed at me, it hit something deep. I think that has been at the crux of the matter. Sheer loneliness, isolation and a failure to connect.

I guess I didn't get my needs met as a child and they are not being met as an adult. This punishment instead.

Well I managed to get to bed and with the (unnatural) "help" of another sleeping pill, got some sleep and got over that dreadful shaking comedown. I honestly hate cocaine and don't like the effects. It's when that compulsion enters my mind that I need to learn to control it and ride it out. I can do that sober but with alcohol all defenses come falling down and the castle walls are susceptible to attack and oncoming slaughter ensues. It's like I'm aware of what's happening but feel such a compulsion that it's almost automatic.

I was able to actually go outside on the balcony and smoke, aware that earlier I was smoking through a closed curtain with a little part of the door open. Paranoia and self consciousness. Cocaine does not bode well with my character, but my obsessive compulsive nature makes fertile ground for addiction.

Ordered some thai food and starting to feel human. Decided I won't smoke cigarettes neither touch sleeping pills from tomorrow. Today is kind of day zero anyway.

Anyone have experience with sleeping pills? I never usually took them but since last week I went about five days without sleeping I thought I'd give them a go to try get routine back. However, I found that I don't like the feeling either. Maybe it was mixing coke and sleeping pills, but they brought on panic and I found my mind was fighting the effects. I felt a certain feeling of dread and panic as it seemed like it was trying to bring my respiratory system down.

I did the Allen Carr last drink. And both the cigarette and alcohol did thoroughly feel like poison considering I was starting to feel human.

Freedom lies beyond the horizon.

unless prescribed by a doctor for a specific medical ailment, i think it's best to STAY AWAY from all drugs, including sleeping pills, especially if trying to counteract the effects of other drugs already in the system. just not a good idea or a good plan.

it's going to be a few days before things start to settle down and even out a bit. it takes a good three days for coke to exit the system, bit longe for booze, and i'm not sure about the other stuff. don't expect too much too soon. recovery is long process. no more quick fixes. no more insta-cures.

treat yourself as if you have the flu. lots of rest, insane amounts. clear liquids - broth water juice.

clear contacts out of your phone. get rid of everything in the house that you associate with using. they say we have to change our playmates, playthings and playgrounds, and i believe that to be true. if we keep doing what we've always done, we'll keep getting what we always got. so- time for change. time for different. time for new.

Welcome and thanks for sharing your experience! I got sober 67 days ago (on January 1) and am 48. I lost my job due to the effects of my excessive drinking. I have used a number of other substances as well. If I didn't quit, I was simply experiencing a slow death. Now, I feel as if I'me learning to live again. My health improves everyday and I'm far less depressed.

once you stop using, you may also see the depressive thoughts disappear. I have hope for you! Welcome to SR. You are among fellow travelers who have all been there and are trying not to go back.

It's funny because I just said something similar to my soon to be ex wife. I don't give myself a chance to recover. I go from one extreme to the other. I stop and then I go full throtle, trying to make up for lost time I guess. And I don't recover, I go from pillar to post and there's no inbetween. I put huge demands on myself (and probably others) and then I can't take the pace and cave.

It's strange because I've never been a fan of taking medications and here I am in the midst of taking whatever substance. I think I have resentment for my doctor as I reached out for help and felt I wasn't listened to.

But you are right, au natural is the only way. There's a propensity to become hooked on whatever. That little buzz from something and I can cling to it.

You are definitely not alone and we do understand how hard this is.

Many doctors are really quite clueless about addiction. I'm sorry that your doctor didn't hear you when you reached out.

I hope that you keep reading and posting and are inspired to live a sober life. :)

Over the counter codeine drugs, and others- in huge amounts- with booze.

The only way I got sober and drug free, and remain that way is with a plan (like in the sticky's), guidance (GP, psychologist, counsellor), regular support (AA and SMART meetings) and daily support to top up, to recharge my sober batteries..(HERE at SR).


I could not stop by will power, hope, prayer or self motivation alone. I did, and still do- need help- every day- for life.

My prayers and support to you.

You chose an interesting handle, Epictetus, and I'm sure that it will not go unnoticed by our resident Stoic-in-Recovery. I'm just scratching the surface of philosophy but find it helpful to keep my mind in order as I continue my own quest. I have enjoyed reading your original post and responses, and I wish you the peace of mind that you seek. Epictetus accomplished a great deal after his own freedom from slavery.

I started in my teens now 53; glue, LSD, pot, speed, cocaine, ecstasy, heroin and alcohol. I am now sober just over 4 months. It is not too late to stop, EVER. I am glad I am out of active addiction. There is a much brighter side on this side. Tough daily work but well worth it. You don't have to be in the place you are in. This is a great community.

Welcome. Hope you will stick around and continue to seek what you need to get out of the prison you are in. We are rooting for you.

Well I feel like quite the fool. But I will be open for the sake of accountability (which I need to work on badly)

There's a flaw with the Allan Carr last drink. Ok I'm not blaming his book/the method because if you are drinking daily then I guess you can plan ahead the last drink, which would come after consuming a lot maybe.

But I was a good few hours without taking anything and feeling half normal, so I probably tricked myself into taking a drink and smoking. And of course if I could leave it after one drink I wouldn't be in this situation. I briefly read over the last few weeks a thing or two about AV but I'm not fully informed on it. I don't know if that's the case here as I seem to be desperately wanting to quite and embrace sobriety, yet I keep finding one last reason or excuse and it happens quite sudden.

Ok the Allen Carr last drink, then ok one hour, then...well one thing is sure he is correct about the nature of addiction. You let that one demon and in and process starts again. Also he says make it a spirit and not your favorite. I now only drink spirits not mixed. I did actually feel rotten after the first but then I wanted another. This has been the problem, it takes me a second to act on the impulse.

In my final days of drinking, for many days, really, I never felt better after a drink. I was just satisfying my impulse and habit. I would go to sleep after a few beers and maybe wake up the next time and do it again. No satisfaction, only the idea that I had to do it again. Why? Because my AV was the only thing I could hear, and despite becoming more depressed and feeling ill (at ease and physically), that's what addicts do. We just start over again until we know and truly desire we have to stop.

If you are acting on impulse, get rid of the proximate poison. When I had alcohol available to me at hand's reach, I took it regardless of how I felt. I wouldn't go shopping if I felt the desire to drink, and that was helpful. Being dry and substance free for a while is a big step to take, how do you think you can accomplish that for even a number of days, and are you ready to do so?

I know that I cannot drink. I know that is true because of how it makes me act and feel. I don't pick up because of these consequences, for me it is an immoral (not in a religious sense but on an ethical basis) choice to drink. It is very clear, based upon a fact, with evidence to back it up, I cannot drink, ever.

That's a very satisfying place to be once you get beyond the compulsion to pick up. I still have to remind myself of this all the time. Others here have attained a point where they simply live it without the push and pull of an AV regularly there telling them otherwise. It's the right thing to do and a better way to live.

I will always be an alcoholic, but I have a choice on whether to behave as one or not. How averse to potential misbehavior I will be is up to me. I'm getting a lot of help along the way to achieve my aim, I wouldn't be here if it was simply a set of axioms to follow, it's more than rules based, for me.

Life is too messy for us to be alone, and thankfully we are not.

Yeah, I think it's bad advice to go for a 'last hurrah'.

I read Carrs book when I was sober a few weeks.
It seemed a mad backwards step to take a last drink like he suggested so I didn't.

I'm sure my addicted self could have talked me into it if I let it though.

Its much much easier simply not to drink at all.

D

Welcome Epictetus! Forget about feeling foolish and just give it another go. I'm also in my 40s and an alcoholic. Life can get much better

I'm in my 60s and life has gotten much better, even the hard times.

My coke problem was when I was in my mid twenties.

I kicked it, and it was hard. I didn’t quit drinking then, tho, even tho I was already drinking alcoholically, in retrospect. Kicking coke was one of the most difficult things I ever did. I removed myself from situations where I would be exposed to it and I had a scare at the same time. It would have been a more sound plan to have had a support mechanism but I didn’t go that route at age 26.

Back then I was working in the night scene. I won’t go any further than sharing that but use your imagination. Pulled up for my shift on MLK weekend and the dealer I was supposed to meet at work was already there in the parking lot, surrounded by cop cars. I’d been running late. It could have been me. I drove past, called work, told them I wasn’t able to come in because I was sick, and called out for the next two weeks. I was broke and sick from withdrawal and MEAN to everyone around me but I managed to kick coke.

Fast forward to my mid to late 30s. I’d already joined this site and was pretty clear I had an alcohol problem, but hadn’t committed to sobriety and really only came here when I had a really bad hangover and decided to stop, but wouldn’t come up with a plan, couldn’t (wouldn’t) commit to getting one, and always ultimately drank again. Anyway I was out with an acquaintance who I had no idea had a drug problem. He was encouraging me to drink more than I usually would when I wasn’t in the confines of my home, and I was pretty wasted but not wasted enough to not remember this vividly.

He scored some coke at the bar we were at but had to go to someone’s house to get it. We also had to go to an ATM for money. So we got the money, met up with the new “friends” and went to this drug dealer’s house. Then we went to the “friends” apartment and snorted coke all night long. I sank very low that night. I don’t even want to say what happened, but suffice to say my self respect was gone.

It wasn’t until the next day when a large part of me was wanting more coke quite desperately that I realized the scope of what happened. And sure enough the withdrawals were exactly the same as when I kicked the first time. This is why I’m on the fence about not calling one off slips a relapse. It’s truly shocking to me still how when you use after a long time you really do go right back to where you were when you originally quit. I had moved on, had a “real job” which I was pretty good at, and while I was just treading water because I was an active “functional” alcoholic, I was definitely not where I’d been ten years prior. But there I was again. That night was a time machine that sent me right back. It’s dizzying to think about.

That acquaintance I went out with that night died a few years later, on the streets, with multiple drugs in his system. RIP Chris. He was a good and smart and funny person who could have done amazing things in this world. I genuinely liked him. He and I were the same age and knew each other from work. It was just a couple of months after this awful incident when he took a medical leave to get sober and never came back from it.

I was a drunk who never would have used cocaine had I not been under the influence of alcohol that night.

I don’t have to be out of control anymore. I made the decision to get and stay sober a little over two years after this awful night. That was just over two and a half years ago, I am now 42 and when I quit drinking I was at the tail end of 39. I like to say I pulled into the sobriety parking lot right at the end of my 30s.

Alcohol and coke go hand in hand. Thank god I never touched heroin so I don’t know anything about that to help you with but I do understand the role we give it to counteract the coke high and help us sleep. I find sad irony in that.

Either way, Epictetus, I’m asking you to trust me for a second. As a sober person I read your words and nod my head, and say “me too”. I also read your words as a sober person and am horrified because you are playing with fire. What you’re describing is a lethal cocktail that has massive effects on the brain. Any of those substances separately is something that causes terrible effects and together they are worse. And you can’t do one at a time because if you do, you end up with impaired judgment that brings you right back where you were. I hope you stop. Stop it all. Right now. Use this site for support and if you have a bad physical withdrawal consider going to a dr, any dr, and say these words: “I believe I am an alcoholic and a drug addict and these conditions are self diagnosed conditions. I have been using cocaine heroin sleeping pills and other prescription drugs in combination with alcohol and I need help to stop. I want to stop and I need help to get through the ensuing sickness I’m experiencing.” In the US if a dr hears these words and doesn’t provide help they could lose their license to practice. They will help you and by your words here I believe you need it.

If you don’t need the dr because you don’t get that sick (everyone is different) be patient with your body because it takes time to normalize the circadian rhythm. It will suck. All I can say is keep perspective. Five years from now, if you’re still alive, you’ll think back “wow I wish I’d just endured a month or two of discomfort because it’s been five years that have gone by now and I could have been living a different life”.

Ultimately, that’s what got me sober, was remembering that.

My best to you and thank you for this post. You reminded me of my story.

-bexxed