In hell
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 96
In hell
Where to begin. I feel suicidal. However, it's not something I'm contemplating or planning, rather just a general feeling. Or perhaps it's more of a deep seated death wish that I've never got rid of. Although there is a huge part of me that's trying to live and trying to stay on the path to a normal happy life. I've had a taste of sobriety, albeit all too fleeting, and there is no comparison.
Right now I have alcohol, cocaine, heroin and sleeping tablets in my system. I've stopped and trying to ride it out. I have a sober app on my phone and the reset button has been hit 5 or 6 times in the last two years.
I'm a man in his early forties. Alcohol has always been a problem. Drugs were more going through phases and experimenting when I was a teen/early twenties. Never in a million years would I have believed that I would have a drug problem in addition to alcohol in my forties. The drugs probably slowly started some four and a half years ago and I'm still in shock at how they got a hold on me.
I was wondering if anybody else developed a drug problem late in life?
I do want out, this thing has me on my knees.
Right now I have alcohol, cocaine, heroin and sleeping tablets in my system. I've stopped and trying to ride it out. I have a sober app on my phone and the reset button has been hit 5 or 6 times in the last two years.
I'm a man in his early forties. Alcohol has always been a problem. Drugs were more going through phases and experimenting when I was a teen/early twenties. Never in a million years would I have believed that I would have a drug problem in addition to alcohol in my forties. The drugs probably slowly started some four and a half years ago and I'm still in shock at how they got a hold on me.
I was wondering if anybody else developed a drug problem late in life?
I do want out, this thing has me on my knees.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 2,872
Hello and welcome, you'll find a lot of support here.
I became addicted to the opioid Norco when I was forty. I was taking it for an injury I sustained.
I started abusing it. I was pretty sly about it so the pain management doctor wouldn't catch on.
I was, and still am, taking a anti-anxiety drug. Plus drinking. Quite the cocktail.
This went on for about five years. I got tired of it. Fooling my friends. Fooling the doctor. And fooling myself into believing this was acceptable behavior.
The first to go was the Norco. I simply told the doctor I didn't need it anymore.
He slowly weaned me off, which as I recall, took a few months.
Then the drinking went. That had taken me years to quit. I was trying to quit before and while taking the meds to no avail. But, that in itself is a long story.
Anyway I quit drinking at forty nine. And I guess I was about forty eight when I got off the opioid.
This was ten years ago.
So yeah, I was older. But now I don't abuse the anti-anxiety drug. I no longer drink. And I could sure use the Norco for pain, but I proved to myself I couldn't responsibly take it, so it has to stay gone.
You're not alone. We're here t help. I understand the helplessness at being at the mercy of addiction to drugs besides alcohol.
But if you really want to quit , you can. I think you know that.
Best to you, and stick around.
I became addicted to the opioid Norco when I was forty. I was taking it for an injury I sustained.
I started abusing it. I was pretty sly about it so the pain management doctor wouldn't catch on.
I was, and still am, taking a anti-anxiety drug. Plus drinking. Quite the cocktail.
This went on for about five years. I got tired of it. Fooling my friends. Fooling the doctor. And fooling myself into believing this was acceptable behavior.
The first to go was the Norco. I simply told the doctor I didn't need it anymore.
He slowly weaned me off, which as I recall, took a few months.
Then the drinking went. That had taken me years to quit. I was trying to quit before and while taking the meds to no avail. But, that in itself is a long story.
Anyway I quit drinking at forty nine. And I guess I was about forty eight when I got off the opioid.
This was ten years ago.
So yeah, I was older. But now I don't abuse the anti-anxiety drug. I no longer drink. And I could sure use the Norco for pain, but I proved to myself I couldn't responsibly take it, so it has to stay gone.
You're not alone. We're here t help. I understand the helplessness at being at the mercy of addiction to drugs besides alcohol.
But if you really want to quit , you can. I think you know that.
Best to you, and stick around.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,429
Hi Epictetus and welcome 
as you can see many of us quit in our 40s (or later) so a lot of us share a similar experience to yourself.
I remember hating the face I saw in the mirror every morning and I remember the insane juggling I'd have to do to try and keep my addictions secret.
The good news is there really is a great life after addiction - I've never regretted making the choice. It can mean a lot of change, and some effort , but it's so so worth it.
Even if you'e only thinking of suicide in an abstract way, it's important to realise those kinds of feelings are part of drug and alcohol usuage & is a common part of addiction too.
Especially after we drank (and sometimes during) we suffer remorse and guilt and despair - and that can send us to some dark places.
Even if you never use these numbers or readings, have a look through them - there is help out there
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
You'll find a lot of help and support here too - you're not alone anymore
D
as you can see many of us quit in our 40s (or later) so a lot of us share a similar experience to yourself.
I remember hating the face I saw in the mirror every morning and I remember the insane juggling I'd have to do to try and keep my addictions secret.
The good news is there really is a great life after addiction - I've never regretted making the choice. It can mean a lot of change, and some effort , but it's so so worth it.
Even if you'e only thinking of suicide in an abstract way, it's important to realise those kinds of feelings are part of drug and alcohol usuage & is a common part of addiction too.
Especially after we drank (and sometimes during) we suffer remorse and guilt and despair - and that can send us to some dark places.
Even if you never use these numbers or readings, have a look through them - there is help out there
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html
You'll find a lot of help and support here too - you're not alone anymore
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1,276
Welcome Epictetus. I don’t have any specific advice as I quit drinking in my 30s. I do know that this SR is a wonderful community and the members here do a great job supporting each other. Please understand you’re not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 102
Welcome to the forum. I can relate to everything that you have said but I will be 31 this year. I want to say that this is the last time that I will have to go through this but I guess I will never know and that is why I take it one day at a time because I do not want to worry that far into the future.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Washington State USA
Posts: 79
This is a great site with tons of support. Welcome Epictetus. Lately I have been going to a lot of meetings. I've had alcohol problems and drug problems it seems my whole life. I have been sober for 5 years twice in my life. I've been told that most people who go back out for extended periods of time don't come back. I don't know if that is true but if it is I feel fortunate and blessed to have made it back again. I'm 65 and have been sober for 14 months now. If I could go back I wouldn't repeat my relapse. I will some day not regret the past, I believe that but I'm not there yet. It is humiliating and embarrassing to be this age and starting over. Got addicted to opiates, booze and pot for the last ten years. Actually it has been a problem since 16 y/o. I will do whatever I have to do to stay sober. I'm finding reasons to live and am liking it. Addiction has no age limit, doesn't care if your 5 or 95. We are here for a reason and awakening to who we really are and why we are will be discovered through this journey we call sobriety. I've seen it in others and believe it will happen in me and you too. We find what we seek. Stay the course and you will see.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,286
^^^^ Lovely post, JohnnyT !!!
Epictetus, welcome . Johnny said it all , and so beautifully.
You are here now, and you are not alone. Get through today by not drinking, as a start.
Feeling the way you do, sounds all too familiar . I didn't believe people when they said it will get better - but it did. I am turning 57 this year - so also not a youngster - and feel like I am alive for the first time in years !
So glad you joined !!
Epictetus, welcome . Johnny said it all , and so beautifully.
You are here now, and you are not alone. Get through today by not drinking, as a start.
Feeling the way you do, sounds all too familiar . I didn't believe people when they said it will get better - but it did. I am turning 57 this year - so also not a youngster - and feel like I am alive for the first time in years !
So glad you joined !!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 96
Thanks so much for the replies.
Really grateful.
Simply reading "you are not alone" from a number of people directed at me, it hit something deep. I think that has been at the crux of the matter. Sheer loneliness, isolation and a failure to connect.
I guess I didn't get my needs met as a child and they are not being met as an adult. This punishment instead.
Really grateful.
Simply reading "you are not alone" from a number of people directed at me, it hit something deep. I think that has been at the crux of the matter. Sheer loneliness, isolation and a failure to connect.
I guess I didn't get my needs met as a child and they are not being met as an adult. This punishment instead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 96
Well I managed to get to bed and with the (unnatural) "help" of another sleeping pill, got some sleep and got over that dreadful shaking comedown. I honestly hate cocaine and don't like the effects. It's when that compulsion enters my mind that I need to learn to control it and ride it out. I can do that sober but with alcohol all defenses come falling down and the castle walls are susceptible to attack and oncoming slaughter ensues. It's like I'm aware of what's happening but feel such a compulsion that it's almost automatic.
I was able to actually go outside on the balcony and smoke, aware that earlier I was smoking through a closed curtain with a little part of the door open. Paranoia and self consciousness. Cocaine does not bode well with my character, but my obsessive compulsive nature makes fertile ground for addiction.
Ordered some thai food and starting to feel human. Decided I won't smoke cigarettes neither touch sleeping pills from tomorrow. Today is kind of day zero anyway.
Anyone have experience with sleeping pills? I never usually took them but since last week I went about five days without sleeping I thought I'd give them a go to try get routine back. However, I found that I don't like the feeling either. Maybe it was mixing coke and sleeping pills, but they brought on panic and I found my mind was fighting the effects. I felt a certain feeling of dread and panic as it seemed like it was trying to bring my respiratory system down.
I did the Allen Carr last drink. And both the cigarette and alcohol did thoroughly feel like poison considering I was starting to feel human.
Freedom lies beyond the horizon.
I was able to actually go outside on the balcony and smoke, aware that earlier I was smoking through a closed curtain with a little part of the door open. Paranoia and self consciousness. Cocaine does not bode well with my character, but my obsessive compulsive nature makes fertile ground for addiction.
Ordered some thai food and starting to feel human. Decided I won't smoke cigarettes neither touch sleeping pills from tomorrow. Today is kind of day zero anyway.
Anyone have experience with sleeping pills? I never usually took them but since last week I went about five days without sleeping I thought I'd give them a go to try get routine back. However, I found that I don't like the feeling either. Maybe it was mixing coke and sleeping pills, but they brought on panic and I found my mind was fighting the effects. I felt a certain feeling of dread and panic as it seemed like it was trying to bring my respiratory system down.
I did the Allen Carr last drink. And both the cigarette and alcohol did thoroughly feel like poison considering I was starting to feel human.
Freedom lies beyond the horizon.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
unless prescribed by a doctor for a specific medical ailment, i think it's best to STAY AWAY from all drugs, including sleeping pills, especially if trying to counteract the effects of other drugs already in the system. just not a good idea or a good plan.
it's going to be a few days before things start to settle down and even out a bit. it takes a good three days for coke to exit the system, bit longe for booze, and i'm not sure about the other stuff. don't expect too much too soon. recovery is long process. no more quick fixes. no more insta-cures.
treat yourself as if you have the flu. lots of rest, insane amounts. clear liquids - broth water juice.
clear contacts out of your phone. get rid of everything in the house that you associate with using. they say we have to change our playmates, playthings and playgrounds, and i believe that to be true. if we keep doing what we've always done, we'll keep getting what we always got. so- time for change. time for different. time for new.
it's going to be a few days before things start to settle down and even out a bit. it takes a good three days for coke to exit the system, bit longe for booze, and i'm not sure about the other stuff. don't expect too much too soon. recovery is long process. no more quick fixes. no more insta-cures.
treat yourself as if you have the flu. lots of rest, insane amounts. clear liquids - broth water juice.
clear contacts out of your phone. get rid of everything in the house that you associate with using. they say we have to change our playmates, playthings and playgrounds, and i believe that to be true. if we keep doing what we've always done, we'll keep getting what we always got. so- time for change. time for different. time for new.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 984
Welcome and thanks for sharing your experience! I got sober 67 days ago (on January 1) and am 48. I lost my job due to the effects of my excessive drinking. I have used a number of other substances as well. If I didn't quit, I was simply experiencing a slow death. Now, I feel as if I'me learning to live again. My health improves everyday and I'm far less depressed.
once you stop using, you may also see the depressive thoughts disappear. I have hope for you! Welcome to SR. You are among fellow travelers who have all been there and are trying not to go back.
once you stop using, you may also see the depressive thoughts disappear. I have hope for you! Welcome to SR. You are among fellow travelers who have all been there and are trying not to go back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 96
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
unless prescribed by a doctor for a specific medical ailment, i think it's best to STAY AWAY from all drugs, including sleeping pills, especially if trying to counteract the effects of other drugs already in the system. just not a good idea or a good plan.
it's going to be a few days before things start to settle down and even out a bit. it takes a good three days for coke to exit the system, bit longe for booze, and i'm not sure about the other stuff. don't expect too much too soon. recovery is long process. no more quick fixes. no more insta-cures.
treat yourself as if you have the flu. lots of rest, insane amounts. clear liquids - broth water juice.
clear contacts out of your phone. get rid of everything in the house that you associate with using. they say we have to change our playmates, playthings and playgrounds, and i believe that to be true. if we keep doing what we've always done, we'll keep getting what we always got. so- time for change. time for different. time for new.
it's going to be a few days before things start to settle down and even out a bit. it takes a good three days for coke to exit the system, bit longe for booze, and i'm not sure about the other stuff. don't expect too much too soon. recovery is long process. no more quick fixes. no more insta-cures.
treat yourself as if you have the flu. lots of rest, insane amounts. clear liquids - broth water juice.
clear contacts out of your phone. get rid of everything in the house that you associate with using. they say we have to change our playmates, playthings and playgrounds, and i believe that to be true. if we keep doing what we've always done, we'll keep getting what we always got. so- time for change. time for different. time for new.
It's strange because I've never been a fan of taking medications and here I am in the midst of taking whatever substance. I think I have resentment for my doctor as I reached out for help and felt I wasn't listened to.
But you are right, au natural is the only way. There's a propensity to become hooked on whatever. That little buzz from something and I can cling to it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
You are definitely not alone and we do understand how hard this is.
Many doctors are really quite clueless about addiction. I'm sorry that your doctor didn't hear you when you reached out.
I hope that you keep reading and posting and are inspired to live a sober life.
Many doctors are really quite clueless about addiction. I'm sorry that your doctor didn't hear you when you reached out.
I hope that you keep reading and posting and are inspired to live a sober life.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,663
Over the counter codeine drugs, and others- in huge amounts- with booze.
The only way I got sober and drug free, and remain that way is with a plan (like in the sticky's), guidance (GP, psychologist, counsellor), regular support (AA and SMART meetings) and daily support to top up, to recharge my sober batteries..(HERE at SR).
I could not stop by will power, hope, prayer or self motivation alone. I did, and still do- need help- every day- for life.
My prayers and support to you.
The only way I got sober and drug free, and remain that way is with a plan (like in the sticky's), guidance (GP, psychologist, counsellor), regular support (AA and SMART meetings) and daily support to top up, to recharge my sober batteries..(HERE at SR).
I could not stop by will power, hope, prayer or self motivation alone. I did, and still do- need help- every day- for life.
My prayers and support to you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
You chose an interesting handle, Epictetus, and I'm sure that it will not go unnoticed by our resident Stoic-in-Recovery. I'm just scratching the surface of philosophy but find it helpful to keep my mind in order as I continue my own quest. I have enjoyed reading your original post and responses, and I wish you the peace of mind that you seek. Epictetus accomplished a great deal after his own freedom from slavery.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: sydney nsw
Posts: 785
I started in my teens now 53; glue, LSD, pot, speed, cocaine, ecstasy, heroin and alcohol. I am now sober just over 4 months. It is not too late to stop, EVER. I am glad I am out of active addiction. There is a much brighter side on this side. Tough daily work but well worth it. You don't have to be in the place you are in. This is a great community.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
