Anyone struggle with purpose?
 

It seems like this topic may not have much to do with sobriety? But for me, everything is connected to my sobriety. When I feel lost, lacking life purpose or alone, even if just in the way I think about things, it makes me sad. I need to recognize these feelings as being potential triggers, even if they aren’t at the moment.

The other day, a coworker got into an argument with another coworker, and he said to me “no wonder the guy is not a VP.” The comment bothered me because I’m not a VP either, but I still believe in my value at work. I turned down a promotion a year ago because I don’t want the extra stress and want to be able to prioritize family needs. There is a perception that if you stay where you are without advancing, there is something wrong, or you have not succeeded.

I see people all around me getting promoted to positions they are not suited for or for the wrong reasons. Because they have a certain title, does that make them more of a worthy person? I don’t think so. I work in a corporate environment in a growing company. I see new folks coming in trying to make a name, fix things that aren’t broken, throw others under the bus to get ahead, etc.

I have to set work goals for next year. I wish I could tell my boss: keep doing what I am already doing at work without changing anything, focus on my sobriety, re-read the twelve steps, leave early on Wednesday’s so I can take my son to OT appointments, increase my running miles and maybe train for another marathon if I have extra time, re-assess my finances so I can retire in 8 years. Of course I can’t say any of this because, except for the first one, none of this adds much value to my company.

If I could set work aside and just think about my life as a whole, my goals would be simply: create something every day, help one person every day, be the best parent I can be, be healthy and fit, stay sober. Is there anything wrong with having such simple goals?

Any thoughts on what you consider your purpose to be in sobriety?

I used to struggle with purpose because I thought it was all about what I did for a living.

Through my recovery I have since learned purpose has more to do with the big picture that I am a spiritual being having a human experience. My purpose is simple: be kind, be loving, and be the change I wish to see in the world. My purpose is to stay awake to be able to see how I behave and the words I use are effecting others.

In hindsight when I worked in corporate, I wish I would have just gone in to work, done my job, focused on myself and not on what others were doing or saying, and went home.

As I've been going on my spiritual journey in sobriety I've flirted with the philosophy of nihilism. The belief that all life is meaningless and nothing matters. On its surface it would seem like a dreary existence, i.e. if all of this is meaningless then why bother with sobriety or anything for that matter. But that is not how I interpreted it. If all of this is meaningless...well I'm still a sentient being so I might as well live a good and happy life during my time here.

I do believe in God but nihilism is my "backup" option :)

My goals are fairly simple as well. Continue meditating, exercising, and saving money so I can retire to Las Vegas by the ripe age of 60. I'm looking forward to spending my golden years sober in Sin City.

For me it has everything to do with purpose as I view drinking as one giant distraction.

By the way I don't think there's anything wrong at all with what you listed. I find that very admirable.

I struggle too with this Fearless. In japan they have a culture where the level of seniority does not dictate your pay should be higher than someone in a lesser role. It is based on your competance, so people who choose to stay in the same level role for years and are experts in that role can be getting paid more than their boss. There is not this push for everyone to be climbing the corporate ladder and they reward people for loyalty and being happy and good at their work. We have a long way to go before this kind of forward thinking hits the west!

I am at a point now where I am totally re-thinking what type of work I want to do. Being in the corporate rat race just doesn't fit with the values and priorities I have gained in sobriety. In this world what is important to me is not important and almost looked down upon by them. The consumer society we have become is all about more money, more power, more purchases, more status and living a good healthy and mindful life is almost bawked at.

I am not sure what the answer is Fearless, so all I can say is I hear you, I feel the exact same so maybe someone else has some insights for us both! xx

I can't stand corporate 'structure' in most companies. I mean..how many "VP's" can there really be? To me it's just an ego laced false title/ false reward given on a whim of for false incentive("honey, I made VP!!"). Can one VP fire another VP?..ect..:lmao The last corporate type gig I worked at was my final 'tippng point' to being commited to just start my own thing(s) . As someone mentioned.. I started to just 'dummy up and deal' daily. I remember watching the 'paper/ false title chasers' and laugh to myself at how they were all tripping over themselves to have the exact 'title' as 30 other's in the same damn building,while I earned more on my check. Some people have nothing going on in their lives but that 'title' and that's up to them,but wasn't for me.


Edit: like yourself, I like simple..always have. When I see people overly complicate 'things', it drives me crazy. That was/is a big thing in the corporate world "I gotta appear essential".

yes to your title question.
and i think it has everything to do with ongoing sobriety. purpose/meaning-ful-ness.
today i started the morning by reminding myself to say "yes" to this day. it's a start. but yeah, the bigger view.

I work in an organization with a lot of people who have fancy titles. I'm competitive and ambitious by nature (though less so now that I'm sober), and like you I turned down some promotions because I would have had to spend a lot more time in the office with a lot less schedule flexibility, and all for a 15% pay raise? No thanks. I see LOTS of people who have high level jobs, but as with all things in life, something always has to give. In my case, it would have been not being able to prioritize my family responsibilities, as well as causing a slow "death by meetings." Now that my kids are a bit older, and I am definitely bored to tears by my current job after 10 years, I'm looking around, but it has to be a good fit or I'm not interested.

Can you tell your boss, "I'm super engaged with what I'm doing right now, and I love (insert your favorite element of the work here). I feel really lucky to have such a great workplace." :)

You’re goals are awesome!

Work life balance is a big challenge in this day and age. I work in a very competitive field, because many folks want to get this kind of job. But once you get the job I have, that’s pretty much it. I joke that I have the best dead end job in the world. If I want to advance, my job will change drastically.

My wife is in the same field, and chose to not advance. She second guessed her choice and even her self worth, for at least a year. But now she’s very glad she made the choice she did.

We’re not getting rich. But we have jobs that are very rewarding to us. We have the ability to mentor others. We don’t get caught up in the bs or drama, and people notice that. Sometimes folks get caught up in and participate in drama because they think that’s normal. They think there’s no other way. It’s nice to be able to provide examples of that not being necessary.

Our souls, and therefore our recovery will benefit. :)

Pathway, you put into words exactly how I feel. Thank you!

I have struggled with that idea too, we thinknot. I read Viktor Frankls book Mans Search For Meaning about his experience in the holocaust and came to realize that the meaning is what we choose to attach to this life we are in whatever it is and whatever happens around us. He believes that we are here to love and help each other through our struggles. I love that. And there is always our power to choose our responses to everything that happens

Thank you, waterox

Mantalady, I like that cultural idea. We do have a ways to go here in the West! I also agree with what you said about consumerism and corporate values being at odds with sober values.

For me, purpose is found in many different ways;

In my parenting.... my cherished role as Daddy
In service to others.... through supporting others in recovery, volunteering, mentoring, helping others be their best
In quiet self time..... through exercise or time in nature or reading
Through developing and fostering a few close friendships
Through writing and poetry

My job and my career are how I get money. They aren’t my purpose. I do seek to honor and find purposeful moments at work - like helping employees and colleagues succeed, supporting them in times of need, mentoring.

Years ago I placed a lot of value on promotions and ‘achievements’. As I’ve aged and in sobriety I find little concern in those things. From what I’ve experienced and seen, they are hollow points in time..... not purpose.

It’s easy to be led into the belief that promotions and career accomplishments define our worth - but when we understand for ourselves what is valuable in our lives and what serves our purpose... we often discover a job is pretty low in the list of really important things.

So true, Dontremember! Thank you!

I’ll say that with you- Yes to today, fini!

Me too, Palmersage. 15%. It would have been consumed by the cost of more therapy because of stress and nanny costs because I’d be in the office more and traveling more. So that nanny would have been raising my child, who is a bit more challenging than most. I love your advice about what I might say. I think I will say exactly that! Thank you :)

Thank you wehave2day! I’m going to steel that line if you don’t mind - I have the best dead end job :). I do find my job rewarding in lots of ways too, as long as I stay away from the corporate drama and bs and continue to find ways of being genuinely helpful and not for false or self promotion reasons.

Thank you FreeOwl. I like that idea of looking at purpose in all of these ways. I also like your way of viewing your job. I need to do this too. My work, while can be meaningful in some ways, is what allows me to live the life I want and with purpose in all these other areas. I really do have a good gig. I set my own hours, have flexibility and most of the time work from home. It really helps me juggle family priorities and even have time for hobbies. Geez. As I type this out, I realize how good I’ve got it :). Life is good man!

Man's Search For Meaning is one of my favourite books. Frankl said, “When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

In recovery, I needed to change myself and one of the most important things for me was to find a purpose in my life that worked for me. Previously I had measured myself by everyone else's standards. And, I had been miserable.

It sounds like you know what's important to you and that you are following your heart. :)

This thread really jumped out at me.

I'm sitting here, in my living room, thinking whether or not to ask the Australians in our SR family what they think of Kangaroos. Yeah. That's my life. My daughter is upstairs studying for finals....a Senior in high school on the cusp of greatness.

I asked her what she thinks of Kangaroos and we both agree they seem a little creepy. There I said it. I mean, I love Kanga from Winnie the Pooh but I think I'd be terrified of the real thing. Give me a Moose any day, but a Kangaroo....terrifying :)

I guess my point is....I have NO FRICKEN PURPOSE RIGHT NOW. And it is everything. I had a career in tech, the husband, the second husband who died, the daughter....my life has always had some purpose. I can manage being busy, but a purpose? I got nada. And for me that actually is really important for continuing abstinence.

I'm in this very weird no where land. Daughter is still here, but doesn't really need that much (well kind of but not like she used to). I am probably moving to Cali to be my parents caregiver....Yay, purpose. But that isn't happening until June time frame. Boo, delayed purpose. And there's always the possibility it won't happen because they are old and have dementia so everyday is kind of a new day. So I can't start a 'real' job because, well, I'm probably moving. I don't really know what other kind of job I can have: Uber, Lifte, Instacart? Hell I don't know. So...uh, purpose-less.

You sound like you have purpose, big time. And you sound like you know what you want. And NO, wanting a simple life, healthy life is not abnormal. Not everyone can be a VP. And to Don't remember's point: The last company I worked for had VP's of everything. I was a VP. Big whoop. I used to laugh and say I was the VP of sticky notes. The customers like to interface with a VP....hence the titles. Now I loved that job and I was good at it and I was in my early 30's and had lots of career goals. Now? I'd be perfectly happy being an Uber driver.

Don't you think that being an addict and going through that hell, and the struggle of recovery, gives us a unique view about what is truly important? At least to ourselves? I think its a big part of the whole, know yourself, accept yourself thing.

There is always the problem in the corporate world that if you aren't growing and innovating your job will become, ehem, obsolete. But I think you can find a way to add value, without being eaten up by the corporate blob. Or you can get a new job....who knows.

Sounds to me like you are right where you should be. Now if I could only get a life........

Wow great responses! Frick, I think you’ve had many purposes, all external. Sounds like you’ve done great by that kid.

Now you can do right by you! Although parent caregiver is a big one right there. We did that for my mother in law. Mostly my wife. It’s huge. But it’s also very good for the soul to help someone vulnerable.

Fearless, thanks for starting this thread! It’s a very good one!

I left the corporate rat race, but am having trouble finding a new source of income that doesn't suck.

For me the purpose is to feel better physically and get back to the old me, accomplishing things that I want to do, not career related things.

Yeah I do caregiving really well. And I love it. And living with my folks in beautiful northern cali for FREE wouldn't suck. AND I'd be close to my kid who will most likely attend college in Cali. So lots of advantages. And I would rent my house here...where rents are skyrocketing. Why? Because all the rich Californians have figured out that california, unless you are really rich, kinda sucks. Soooo, hopefully they will hang in there and be able to stay in their home. If not, they are moving here. So either way, I'm doing some level of care giving. But if they move here they will be in assisted living...which I frankly think would kill them. Ugh.

And then I'm forced to the dreaded.....something for me. And that my friend is where I run into a dead end. Frankly, I like having purpose handed to me. I've always done what I thought others wanted me to do or needed me to do. Without that, I'm actually pretty scared.

Oh and I just remembered....I own 10 acres (that has burned to dirt multiple times in the last decade) up past Chico, california. Pot farmer? Hmmmm. I don't like pot so ya never know! Maybe I'll grown hemp and pot and create really cool CBD tinctures to help anxiety and depression. Okay, that's a total tangent. And the whole 'burn to the ground' thing is probably a sign....

Fearless, I feel your plight about setting work goals. I plan to make a case this coming spring for my value in my profession, and I really don't believe in it. But... well, I probably will try, anyway.

Thank you for this thread. I think personal value has a lot to do with staying sober. And work has a lot to do with sense of personal value, for many of us. For others, it's looks. Maybe those aren't great measures of worth, but they're the currency of the real-world marketplace. I love to see you, me, and anyone trying to recalibrate their scale of self-value to a more wholesome metric.

One of my favorite quotes too, Anna. It was important for me also to find my own values and live my own life, not live based on what I thought others expected.

Thank you everyone. The more I thought about this today and read your posts, the more I realize that yes, purpose and sobriety are connected and very important.

Frick, I agree that having gone through our struggles and being in recovery does change the meaning of life in a deeper way. I have been where you are in limbo about purpose. I am feeling better about it now. But I do need to keep reminding myself what it’s all about for me. I’m sure it changes a bit with all of us as we go through different life stages. VP of sticky notes huh? :) I suppose we are all VPs and CEOs of our own lives. All joking aside, I bet there is a market for CBD - especially in No Ca. It is being explored for skin care, autism, anxiety, depression and probably a lot of other things. I actually buy some at the pet store and mix it in my cats food. They have anxiety.

Mindfulman, I hope you find something that works for you.
Good luck to you too, Courage.

I can relate. My life for the last twenty years has been drinking and trying to succeed in my profession. I was up for review this past year and I didn't pass because I couldn't finish a big, multiple-year project due to excessive daily drinking that caused my brain to slow down significantly.

I'm also planning on moving to be a caregiver to my parents who have dementia, although I need to have my own income. My work was my purpose but I managed to ruin something that I loved. However, it got me to stop drinking and face the consequences which I have been avoiding for twenty years. So, maybe it was a blessing (although there is a lot of insecurity).