Hi Mera

I'm sorry you're struggling.

Something that really slapped me across the face in the thread: You are so worried about how 'things' look. How you're dressed, how you 'appear', the house being clean etc etc. Silver polished? Who even has silver? Ok, I think I have a some buried in a drawer but I've never even taken it out of the plastic it was in. Wedding gifts or something. Polished?

Mera, take it easy. If you look a slob, but you're sober, your kids will know. They aren't looking to see if you have make up on. They might be observing if your eyes are glossed over, if you're swaying, or slurring. But make up? Nope. That's all polish. And nothing glosses over drunk. Period.

You do what you do because, just like me, you're an addict. You're an imperfect human. That's ok. But you don't drink because you're self sabotaging. Seems to me you are doing everything to make it look like you are in recovery. This thread is all about self. You don't drink because you're respecting someone's culture. Or because your boss had wine with a dinner (that was from the past).

Acceptance. You are going to lose your kids. And more importantly, you might lose you.

You cannot drink Mera. Just like me. I cannot drink. I destroy everything. And I don't have that right.

You are telling us about the perfectionism and that it isn't working for you and about the self-sabotage.

Where does that come from? Are you an ACOA?

How are you doing this morning Mera?

Hi Mera,

Just got a chance to read through your thread, and I was so excited about the conversations you had at school, and your test results. I was sad to read that you drank after all of this, and now being able to have your boys more often is going to be delayed.

I agreee with a few others a it's the perfectionism, it is something you may want to explore more with your counselor. Try to just focus on the moment, and enjoying the time with your boys, it sones t matter if you're wearing sweatpants, and no make up, as long as you're sober.

Just curious when/why did you decide to drink again yesterday? Have you ideinitifes what the possible trigger was?

I know you can do this, because you are, and you have in the past.

Sening so much love your way!!!

New day, new start. I'm headed out to see my psychologist, then to the gym. This afternoon I will call my sponsor, I am so afraid of that conversation, I am so tired of letting her down.
I'm not sure where the perfectionism comes from, I wasn't always like this. Not in the US at least. Here in Italy I feel afraid and unworthy nearly all of the time.
I have GOT to get it together though. Enough is enough.
Thanks for the continued support.

Hi Delilah, to answer your question, after speaking with my psychologist about that this morning, the trigger was absolute fear of failure.
Which doesn't make sense logically, because drinking is failure. But after all this time without having my boys spend the night with me, stay for multiple days at a time I just panicked and thought I am not worthy, I don't deserve to have them, I'm going to F it up again, I want to protect them...... So I just took it off the table by drinking.
But my kids need me. And I love them, god how I love them. I don't want any of what I write to indicate otherwise. I am just afraid of being a bad mother to them and want to protect them.

Perfectionism. Black and white. I'm either the completely perfect parent, or the complete and utter failure. There is middle ground. There is grey. You don't have to be perfect at parenting. Just not drinking.

Maybe letting go of parenting for a while. Accepting that it is your number 1 trigger. Maybe its time to focus 100% on not drinking. Not drinking to get your kids back or your lisence back isn't the point. I'd suggest focusing on what the point is. I feel like you are dodging the real issue. You are an addict and you drink because you are addicted. In a way, its simple.

Mera - just a shout out to say I woke up thinking about you today. I both feel your pain, very deeply, and am frustrated with you. Funny to feel emotions for someone I've never met, but that's the way of SR.

You know my story, I know yours, so no need to rehash. I can literally picture myself responding to a thread of yours this past summer...too much time is passing for you.

You must right your ship. Sending you strength.

Mera, I have been following your thread and understand your angst with the court system, with your ex, with having to live your life under such great scrutiny. I would be resistant to so much microscopic judgments if I were in your situation. I sense the rebel in you reaches a point when the stress of it all seems pointless. No one else in your life is subject to so much review as you have been. I get all that. If you were accepted as the imperfect person that we all are, there would be more breathing room for you to be yourself. You have shown such super human strength to adjust to the parameters set forth by your ex, the court, and your community. Just in your riding a bicycle everywhere - to get to and from all your meetings, your job, shuttling your sons during their visits, your daily routine - and provide food on the table (particularly during bad weather days) would be enough to send me over the edge. I don’t know how you do it, I am in awe of you. You have proven yourself beyond what most people have had to.

Here’s where my advice lies: Be gentle on yourself. You are a loving, giving, nurturing mother. You have made mistakes like all of the rest of us, and have made the corrections needed to remain on track. No one here got their sobriety without struggle. Take a look at Lessgravity for instance. His remarkable journey had its own bumps in the road. Here he is like a beacon of success (which we are all proud of!) and a lot to commend him for. He too had struggles which he openly shared and we appreciate. You are just as worthy of life’s rewards as anyone I have seen. Your children will know you did your best. Continue to put forth the huge effort you have, but please put yourself first in the forgiveness department when you have a slight. Sending you a heart full of compassion. Keep loving those kids like you do, with a full measure of love for yourself.

hi Mera,
sorry to read of this. as others have mentioned the 'polish', it has also jumped out at me repeatedly. the image of everything being shiny and proper and prepared just so, and you sitting, waiting
i have found myself wondering if it is fear of 'success'...i mean: what would actually happen if you did this sobriety thing 'successfully' and then...then what?
what you would gain you know, but what would you lose? what might you be afraid of?
i have my own struggles with 'imperfection' and tend toward "perfect or nothing", which can translate into not trying, not doing, as i find it hard to see how i can "succeed" without doing extremely well.
it has gotten easier in long-term sobriety. which has forced me (by choice) to show up in flawed ways. which has been OKAY. more than. a gift, really, to come to.
i am rambling, and don't want to sound like i make light of the constrictions on you with all that supervised scrutiny. that sounds like a particular kind of jail. but the more real prison is the internal one.
when you use the word "cave", it brings to my mind the idea that all he time you hold it together is an incredible struggle. and i think that is where the solution needs to be...not in the "cave" moment but in all the non-drinking time.

it's compulsion that manifests quickly and from nowhere.(in my case). You must decide no matter what, you do not drink. I had a strong compulsion last night so I came here and read. Then recalled my last night of drinking. It brought tears to my eyes, because I made such a fool of myself. I will die if I choose to drink again. Also, I at times during my drinking days I was a terrible neglectful mom. Can't change the past. But now, I'm a darn good support for my gals and grandchildren.

You are my friend. And like all of your friends here virtually nothing about our friendship hinges on your ”perfection”. I remember you writing about your annual attempts to make the perfect theme birthday cake for your son, and how some of them turned out, well, less than perfect. Yet those were the happiest birthday parties as I recall. Nobody wants a perfect friend. It’s your imperfections that make us want to be your friend. And, similarly, nobody wants a perfect parent. It puts too much pressure on the child to be a perfect son or daughter. Show me child of a perfect parent and I will show you a child who has more issue than most. Perhaps you are the child of perfect parents?

What children do need is a parent who is PRESENT, who LOVES them and who SUPPORTS them. That’s all. You can be that parent. But only if you accept that you will never, for the rest of your life, ever drink again. Ever.

Good luck, Mera. We are pulling for you.

I try not to be perfect but it has been so ingrained in me here in Italy. I remember a time my ex (then partner) came home late from work- after going out for dinner with another woman- I was there with our newborn, suffering from port-partum depression, barely able to keep it together. He walked into the house, went over to the dining table and slid his finger across the table then picked it up to look for dust. Without even looking me in the eye he said "so what did you do all day? Not clean I see." There were other times when we had to go to big parties with important people (the family of my ex is, well, important...) and his mom would come over the day before to help me pick out a dress, bring massive and important jewellery for me to wear, ask me about how I would do my hair.

The silver??? I could give a ****! But it is him who comes to my house and controls everything. If everything is not perfect he berates me. One time he opened my sideboard where I keep "the good stuff" (i.e. to be used only at Christmas...) and pulled out a piece of tarnished silver and told me what a disgusting house I have.

If the kids have a bad day at school? My fault. No matter the fact my son is being bullied and picked on because of his "noble" status in a common village. Not matter what happens it is something I have done. My house isn't clean enough, the kids don't see me well dressed and taking care of myself, I am not strict enough, I am too strict. I just can't get it ******* right and I am drowning under the pressure to perform.

I had days during these past months where I had to go to one of these appointments he decided I need. POURING down rain, just pissing down, cars riding by me and showering me with mud and water, freezing cold, wind blowing rain into my face like needles. And on I rode and I thought "**** you you bastard, look at what I can do"

Your ex sounds controlling at best. Clearly, he can't trust you (for the reasons you've given him plus his own issues) and it seems like his family is somewhat obsessed with keeping up appearances due to their social standing. I'm sure you know this, but your perfectionism plays directly into his hands and keeps you weak (because you're drunk). You're subject to his whims because you've lost power over your own life. The only way to regain that power is through continued sobriety, and if you do not start over with a completely different attitude, unfortunately you won't ever get there! There's a small, personal, beautiful life for you and your sons, which need not be dependent on your ex's whims - seize it and run! We're here for you. :grouphug:

Mera, being a parent is the hardest job and earth. And, it's common for us Moms to judge ourselves harshly. I hope you can accept that none of us Moms are perfect, we all have human failings, and it's okay. Your boys don't need you to be perfect, they just need you to be sober. And, as far as your ex - pay no attention to his rantings.

Just an example. There is a Madonnina (the little places of worship where people leave candles lit and pray) just next to my house. I saw a woman there cleaning and refreshing the flowers and candles and went to her and asked if she would pray with me. She immediately knew who I was and got scared, she spoke of my ex, and his "title" and power and wouldn't pray with me, afraid of what the powerful family would do. We ended up having a nice conversation, but she was distant and refused to pray with me. She kept referring to the "title" (I don't want to say what they are) and backing off.

Just to give you an idea, when my ex's sister got divorced from her husband the same lawyer who represents B e r l u s c u o n i was involved. I am up against insane pressure.

Mera I think you know, as much as you can, how much I'm rooting for you. But I have to also say that these last posts smack of excuses. Regardless of the situations we each are in, the choice to place the bottle to our lips is ours and ours alone. I know you know this. That's what needs be your focus. Life doesn't make way for what we need to do for ourselves.

I would say that only by staying sober will you be able to stand up to your ex. It is control at best, abuse at worst during your relationship and now.

I know it must be hard when your ex has the children but he at least recognises that they need you and should be with you. It's not about being perfect or doing what your ex says/wants. Just by staying sober can you build up your own inner strength and not be controlled by him.

my prayers sent to you across the water, Mera