Thanks for the thoughts AA.

Thirteen months sober today, and life has not gotten better. It's gotten clearer. Not better.

I'm holding out for myself. I may or may not achieve life satisfaction but I know returning to drinking is not a solution.

In fact, what a bizarre solution that would be. "I will return to drinking because life was better with binge drinking as an option." No, it was easier to escape the reality of life, it did not comprise a better life.

The great illusion that alcohol brings, like a giant screen across everything that troubles you, and ah: that screen is so reassuring, isn't it? Life isn't better or worse. It's the same. It's just seen, felt and heard, now.

I can think of no better analogy than the movie the Matrix. Neo decides he can leave the illusion and be brave enough to face his reality, no matter how chilling it is. He becomes a warrior for it. It is courageous, it's not a thing everyone can do. Face things, and see everything exactly for what it is.