Notices

Life Gets Better When You Stop Drinking? Not Always.

Old 10-18-2018, 03:01 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,064
Life Gets Better When You Stop Drinking? Not Always.

My oldest child turned 20 this week and it has me pondering my life situation. Thus I offer you the following thoughts that have been running through my mind.

"My life got better so much better when I stopped drinking." I heard this statement (or similar statements) a lot in the rooms of AA and here as well. The implication being to the listener/reader is that your life will get better too if you stop drinking. I have been pondering this statement a bit and I think it's not always true.

Roll the clock back five years. I was a drinker. Maintenance drinker mostly. My job paid me 2X what I am making today. My kids were young and having a great time growing up. Even though my memory is often fuzzy about what happened on their birthdays because I was busy drinking with my friends.

On the other hand, today has some challenging life issues for me. My BIL is dying of cancer. He has less than three months to live. My SIL was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. My brother's life is a train wreck trying to take care of her. And then there is my mother. She fell last year and is now in a nursing home. I visited her yesterday. She told me death can't come soon enough.

So no life isn't better in many ways for me and my family. BUT even if I was drinking these bad events would have happened anyway. I recognize that.

I think it's more accurate to say that life will be as good as it could possibly be going forward sober compared to a drinking life. But there are no guarantees.

Or in another line of thinking... Even in sobriety, bad things will happen to you and your loved ones. That's life. So if something bad happens to you in early sobriety don't use it as an excuse to keep drinking.

I'm not looking for sympathy here guys. I know a lot of you are inclined to offer me some. I realize you are a kind group of people. Have a great day.
AAPJ is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 03:12 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
lessgravity's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,893
Originally Posted by AAPJ View Post
My oldest child turned 20 this week and it has me pondering my life situation. Thus I offer you the following thoughts that have been running through my mind.

"My life got better so much better when I stopped drinking." I heard this statement (or similar statements) a lot in the rooms of AA and here as well. The implication being to the listener/reader is that your life will get better too if you stop drinking. I have been pondering this statement a bit and I think it's not always true.

Roll the clock back five years. I was a drinker. Maintenance drinker mostly. My job paid me 2X what I am making today. My kids were young and having a great time growing up. Even though my memory is often fuzzy about what happened on their birthdays because I was busy drinking with my friends.

On the other hand, today has some challenging life issues for me. My BIL is dying of cancer. He has less than three months to live. My SIL was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. My brother's life is a train wreck trying to take care of her. And then there is my mother. She fell last year and is now in a nursing home. I visited her yesterday. She told me death can't come soon enough.

So no life isn't better in many ways for me and my family. BUT even if I was drinking these bad events would have happened anyway. I recognize that.

I think it's more accurate to say that life will be as good as it could possibly be going forward sober compared to a drinking life. But there are no guarantees.

Or in another line of thinking... Even in sobriety, bad things will happen to you and your loved ones. That's life. So if something bad happens to you in early sobriety don't use it as an excuse to keep drinking.
I'm sorry to hear about the struggles that you and your family are experiencing. But I don't think anyone who thinks that life gets better sober thinks that living a sober life shields one from all the sufferig that all of us, sober or drunk, are going to go through.

Our sobriety is not some magical wand that we can waive over our loved ones to prevent them from suffering terminal illnesses. Instead it's a means by which we can endure and
​​​​exrience life's sufferings and tragedies with clarity, power, love and focus. I wish you all the best.
lessgravity is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 04:09 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Blue Belt
 
D122y's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Aa,

sorry for all those horrid and difficult issues. Prayers.

I have some train wrecks just like yours in the making and active for sure.

I remember when I was a drunk, all I really cared about was getting drunk...so everything else was just a distraction. Booze ruled.

my mom died of cancer...I was drunk the whole time. Same thing when my nephew died. My kids college graduation...drunk. on and on and on....for 30 plus years. So pathetic.

now I live and experience my life sober. I get the last 3rd of my life in real vision. Good or bad. I am doing it above the influence.

thanks.
D122y is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 05:06 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Spider's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Posts: 131
This is a really interesting topic, however it doesn't include the internal struggle that can be unbearable in sobriety. On the external, I never lamented the ease that alcohol could provide in crisis situations. I held both of my parents hands as they passed...both were day long vigils where I barely left their rooms and was the principal family/lay person to be consulted in the ethical dilemmas that palliative care presents. I was stone cold sober the entire time. Too, on multiple occasions I had to petition for 72 hour holds for my sister....always sober. This isn't to say I fell apart after each time, usually about a month after.

I am presently facing another imminent situation where all roads lead to a really miserable life. The option of drinking is really bleak but so too is living sober. That leaves the bleakest of options. The constant psychic misery is just too much. In rehab this last June, within a consult, they asked me what would lead to a happy life and my answer was automatic and honest....I gave up long, long ago on that....my only goal is to live in manageable misery. He thought that was really sad. It reminds me of a doc I saw many years ago....the narrator was interviewing a woman (who at the time was about my age now) if she was happy. She was a Russian woman who had been working a field the entire time...she stopped and looked directly at him and said, "What makes you Americans think you deserve to be happy"? Yup. Yesterday, I realized after I forced myself to go to a movie, that I had spent the first 5 hours of the day trying to figure out how to stop the pain. Yesterday started with an AA meeting where I was just crawling out of my skin with really good and well intentioned people discussing how a really misguided equivocation on "instincts" was the lightning rod for self evaluation within one of the steps. Ok, sorry for the rant and thread jack....thought about, but didn't want to start a thread for me alone
Spider is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 05:47 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by AAPJ View Post
"My life got better so much better when I stopped drinking." I heard this statement (or similar statements) a lot in the rooms of AA and here as well. The implication being to the listener/reader is that your life will get better too if you stop drinking. I have been pondering this statement a bit and I think it's not always true.
Sorry for all that's happening around you AAPJ. I would agree that the act of being sober in no way guarantees that things around is will get better. I've been sober for about 5 years and in that time many people I know have died, gotten cancer, lost their jobs, etc. I've had my share of struggles with mental health, job loss, family issues, etc.

Having said all that, I would say that getting sober far better prepared me to to deal with all of those things. And I would argue that getting sober will prepare anyone to deal with their life in a more healthy way.

The danger in your statement here too is that it could suggest to some that they should just keep drinking because it won't help anything to quit. And I feel that would be a travesty.
ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 06:35 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
Delilah1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,021
Hello,

Sorry for all you've got going on in life right now. I'm glad you are sober and able to be there to support your brother, and your mom, that will make a big difference for them.

I'm getting close to three years sober, and during that time I've dealt with deaths, family illness, financial issues, and some health scares of my own, but I was able to deal with them with a clear head. The past three years are also filled with wonderful everyday memories, being present when my son scores a goal, my daughter performs, and my other daughter competes during a race, being fully present during holidays, birthdays, and for all the day to say stuff. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
Delilah1 is online now  
Old 10-18-2018, 06:58 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
dcg
D♭7♭9♯9♯11♭13
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 336
Originally Posted by AAPJ View Post
My oldest child turned 20 this week and it has me pondering my life situation. Thus I offer you the following thoughts that have been running through my mind.

"My life got better so much better when I stopped drinking." I heard this statement (or similar statements) a lot in the rooms of AA and here as well. The implication being to the listener/reader is that your life will get better too if you stop drinking. I have been pondering this statement a bit and I think it's not always true.

Roll the clock back five years. I was a drinker. Maintenance drinker mostly. My job paid me 2X what I am making today. My kids were young and having a great time growing up. Even though my memory is often fuzzy about what happened on their birthdays because I was busy drinking with my friends.

On the other hand, today has some challenging life issues for me. My BIL is dying of cancer. He has less than three months to live. My SIL was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's. My brother's life is a train wreck trying to take care of her. And then there is my mother. She fell last year and is now in a nursing home. I visited her yesterday. She told me death can't come soon enough.

So no life isn't better in many ways for me and my family. BUT even if I was drinking these bad events would have happened anyway. I recognize that.

I think it's more accurate to say that life will be as good as it could possibly be going forward sober compared to a drinking life. But there are no guarantees.

Or in another line of thinking... Even in sobriety, bad things will happen to you and your loved ones. That's life. So if something bad happens to you in early sobriety don't use it as an excuse to keep drinking.

I'm not looking for sympathy here guys. I know a lot of you are inclined to offer me some. I realize you are a kind group of people. Have a great day.
So you're 5 years sober?

As you know, sobriety isn't going to prevent life (death) from happening. These are real life ****ty things everyone has to deal with, and I feel for you. Through the sickness and death of both my parents, I drank through it. It helped. At least I thought it did at the time. Today, I have much regret over not being 100% present 100% of the time. Alcohol abuse is a selfish endeavor.
dcg is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 07:05 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Fearlessat50's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Right here, right now
Posts: 3,946
Aa, I’m sorry for all that you are going through. I want to thank you for posting this. I agree. Life happens, and that includes good and bad things to the best of us whether sober or not. The problems that disappear are the self inflicted ones created by drinking. And drinking always makes life problems worse. There’s just so much we can’t control. My Dad never drank. Yet he’s endured so much tragedy in life. Estranged from two children (not something that was his fault), lost two others to suicide, lost two wives to cancer. I have a special needs son. This is not
something I caused. We are all dealt different cards in life. The positive is that we can all choose how to play these cards. Sometimes, knowing the right choices is difficult. But an easy one for me is not to drink and make things worse. Lots of support to you.
Fearlessat50 is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 07:41 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Just went to an AA meeting on the Promises yesterday. My bottom line truth about them, and to the OPs point about life getting better when we get sober is that it absolutely does- because I can live it, be clear, and both endure and actively spiritually and literally take steps to continue a good life, and appreciate whatever comes. Hat allows me to see the promises in action, while processing and proceeding through the bad.
August252015 is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 09:09 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
nez
Member
 
nez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
Life has gotten better for me, in that I can better handle what life brings my way. I can be fully present and thereby, stand a better chance to be of help to others.

In the first 6 months of my sobriety, my mom got cancer, and became bed ridden. My wife and I were able to be her care givers and keep her at home. Her greatest fear was dying alone in some hospital room. On the day she passed, my wife woke me because mom went into her death throes, which my wife recognized from her years in nursing, and was extremely agitated. I took her hand, held it and told her that I would be "alright" (mom speak for non drinking). Mom immediately settled down and took her last breath.

I couldn't ask for better.

Shortly after that happened, my wife encouraged me to go to a meeting saying that she would notify the proper authorities and handle things until I got back. So off I went. It was a powerful and emotional meeting.

Life does get better.
nez is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 09:46 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Anna's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,330
I'm sorry for all that is happening in your family. And, no, stopping drinking doesn't solve all of life's problems. It would be wonderful if it did. There are always going to be ups and downs in life as you said, but you will be doing so much better in those situations without alcohol being involved.
Anna is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 10:00 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 604
AAJP, I understand what you are saying. As I read your post, I thought, wow - you are dealing with a lot at once! It's very difficult to think in terms of "happy" when life throws what you are facing at you. I will share with you one of my life's biggest regrets: four years ago my grandson passed away. He was 18. My daughter called me hysterical about 9:30 pm screaming. I was in bed, drunk, trying to process what she was saying. She lives three hours and over a mountain pass from me. I rousted myself up, packed a little bag, and drove that night. I knew I shouldn't have been on the road but I had to. This could NOT wait until morning as there was no one there for her. I regret to this day I couldn't take in the full impact, let alone be totally present for her sake. I also admittedly shouldn't have been on the road driving. I am fully ashamed of myself having been a drunk. We get away with nothing when we are. Life is soooo much better dealing with the hard stuff while sober. I hope you find small sunny places in your day where you can sit and feel warm hugs. Our connection with our solitude and private thoughts (meditation) can help get us through our difficult times. My go to source for finding peace is my connection with nature. Hugs to you in your difficult time.
Ladysadie is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 10:38 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Member
 
orderfororder's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 154
Originally Posted by AAPJ View Post
"My life got better so much better when I stopped drinking." I heard this statement (or similar statements) a lot in the rooms of AA and here as well. The implication being to the listener/reader is that your life will get better too if you stop drinking. I have been pondering this statement a bit and I think it's not always true.
You heard the statement, but did you listen to their explanation? Their life getting better may have been contingent upon their sobriety. Many alcoholics get stuck in loops, never find their way out of bad situations because they are never clear-minded enough to strategize their way out, or they throw all of their money to booze while barely having enough to survive, or they sacrifice their health, mistreat their loved ones, etc. Removing the toxin in these situations will clearly make their lives better.

The implication to these stories is not necessarily that YOUR life will improve with sobriety. But it is likely that many in that meeting room can find aspects of their story that resonate, and those areas improve.

It is possible that you are simply a little cynical about the "happy go lucky" sober types who ascribe all of their successes to sobriety while you don't quite see things that way. That's fair enough. But you have to understand that for those people, sobriety did have that impact on their lives. But that is their sobriety, you can respect that while still figuring out what makes your sobriety meaningful. You and your family are dealing with a lot of hardship, but do you think being drunk throughout all of this would ease your family's mind? It would likely add to the stress and negativity. Don't underestimate the value of being present and available for others while they are suffering.
orderfororder is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 11:32 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Location: Sydney, Australia
Posts: 118
The most difficult challenges I've faced in life occurred after I stopped drinking.
I don't really know if life does or doesn't get better - life just IS. Thing is, though, I've gotten better at dealing with what life dishes out. And I wouldn't be able to do that effectively if I was an active drinker
Purpleman is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 03:59 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,048
my prayers and best wishes go with you and your family AAPJ.

I think recovery has made me better and to steal from Robert Frost, that has made all the difference
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 10-18-2018, 10:40 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Guener's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2018
Location: New Mexico
Posts: 1,339
For me, life has certainly not been easier than when I was drinking, but it has become a lot safer and things are less threatening to me and to others than when I was using. I take a lot of comfort in that, especially in rough times. My response to adversity today is changed, hopefully forever, and I know that while things can be out of my control, my drinking is something that I can avoid with the right practices and support.
Guener is offline  
Old 10-19-2018, 08:18 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Pathwaytofree's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 1,271
I am sorry for everything that you're going through right now, AAPJ.

Sometimes I think the "my life got so much better when I stopped drinking" posts are of people on a pink cloud. Or they're people where alcohol was their problem, and not their solution.

I don't say that my life has gotten better since I stopped drinking. My life has gotten more honest since I stopped drinking. What I mean is, I'm much more able to be true to myself and experience life as it is.
Pathwaytofree is offline  
Old 10-19-2018, 01:16 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I don't have an issue with your title. I think many of us can agree. On the other hand, sobriety (in my opinion) is a bit of a selfish endeavor. And yes, those around can fall victim to sickness, disease and violence. It is not our burden to carry. We live knowing that we are true to our selves in recovery and sobriety. My 2 cents.
thomas11 is offline  
Old 10-24-2018, 04:06 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Life is good
 
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 4,036
Life happens. Sometimes it sucks.

In this one day, it can get better.


What are you doing for the holidays this year?
Mango212 is offline  
Old 10-25-2018, 05:43 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Sober since October 24, 1997
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Otero County, New Mexico
Posts: 104
Well, gosh. I'm sure sorry to hear about all the crud coming down on you all at once. When I was 43 years old I went to visit my 97 year old grandmother, who was born in 1896 - she saw a lot of history in the western United States, including all the bad stuff. What she told me was the older she got the more death, hurt, and pain there was that SURROUNDED her, with friends, family, neighbors all getting sick from old age and dying off, including almost all the kids she taught when she was a school teacher from 1917 to 1921. At her age she was the last one standing. She used the word "surrounded" because she refused to become part of it. That may be a tall order for some people not to "buy into it" when you love somebody who is about to die. But I guess everyone is built a little different. I wish I were as tough as my grandmother. I guess we do the best we can with what we have. Stay sober and good luck!
Lautca is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:53 PM.