Always Failing :(
 

Hi All,

I signed up under a different username because I'm embarrassed that I keep struggling with the same issue year after year. I signed up in 2015 and swore I'd stay sober, but I can't seem to resist the wine when I'm bored, lonely, or stressed.

It was suggested to me (on this site) to make a plan but I can't seem to stick to my plan. I've also been told I'm making excuses to drink, but the only thing that seems to keep me sober is if I'm dating someone or in a relationship. (I hate to admit that but it's true!)

So, are there any singles out there that feel my pain? I'm single, in my 30's, and never married with no children. A lot of my friends are married with kids and tell me I should enjoy my "stress-free" life, but I don't feel stress-free. I feel alone--despite having friends--so I turn to wine which is definitely not the answer.

Does anyone have any words of advice? :( I've tried new hobbies, going out to meet new people, going to the gym, running, etc. Nothing seems to work, as I'm easily bored and end up drinking if I don't have a SO around when I get home.

Hi seekingadvice - welcome back :)

if your plans not working for you maybe you need to simplify it?

The best plan in the work isn't much good if it's not easily achievable for you.

What kinds of things have you been doing? :)

D

If boredom and loneliness are triggers for you to drink, then I assure you, your addiction is going to make sure you are bored and lonely.

Boredom is a state of mind. Drinking isn't an activity. But the effects of alcohol change how you feel about sitting around, doing nothing. State of mind. And you say only a relationship keeps you sober. I will take you at your word. But I think if you dated a drinker, you'd drink. Or if the relationship stressed you, you'd drink. In the long run you have to get sober for you! It's yourself you spend all your time with. Work on that relationship. Therapy might help.

Thank you Kiki! I've never tried a women's only group. That sounds like a good idea for me.


I signed up for the early shift at work and I started cooking new dishes and watching TV. I used to not watch TV so I figured it'd help pass the time in the evenings but it only works sometimes.


Very true! I need to get sober for me.
I tend to end up dating non-drinkers (probably because I don't drink on dates or if I'm around people because I don't think about it). I tend to only drink at home if I'm alone and bored, but you're right--if my relationship stressed me out I'd probably drink, so I need to get back on the sober wagon.

The longer that I am sober, and the more that life 'happens' the more I see my past need to drink and drug as a way to manage 'me'. I'm five and half years sober now, and recognizing that truly learning to love and even like myself has been such a necessary journey. I drank to escape my feelings of 'not enoughness'. My shame of being 'me'. Yes, temporary reprieve such as a new relationship or job or heck, a new purse, worked for a while- but I was always stuck with me. Twenty-fours hours a day, for the rest of my life. I'm not saying that unconditional self-love, self-compassion and self-acceptance are easy, but for me, along with a commitment to my program with AA, my recovery can be that simple. Not easy, but that simple. You really do deserve to love yourself. And, even like yourself on your worst days :)

Keep posting! We're here for ya!

I spent most of my life up to around 32 constantly in relationships and couldn't be on my own for long. I felt like I needed to be with someone as that would make me whole. It never worked, the relationship would break down anyway. Getting comfortable with being single and looking within for love, strength, belonging and a purpose was hard but crucial for me. If you really on someone else for these things they are in control of your emotions and self esteem and it just isn't healthy let alone unfair to burden someone else with that responsibility. Therapy, CBT, volunteering, sitting with the uncomfortable feelings till they pass, meditation all helped me be comfortable being single. Now, I am happy in myself and in no rush to get a partner! x

I didn't get married until I was 36 and still don't have kids. I turned my life around (the first time) at about 29 years old, and things fell into place. I lived a good life and did the next right thing each day. Don't let your age and relationship status define who you are.

Hi there. May I ask exactly how much wine you're drinking? I ask because I find it very strange that you can go on a date or hang out with friends and NOT drink. Maybe strange isn't the right word. I guess I just can't imagine having the will power to do that. Obviously if you think you have a problem, then you do. I am certainly not a person to give out advice, but please imagine you're 52 and have been drinking since age 16. Every year that goes by, your drinking gets worse and your tolerance goes up. Your drunken escapades get worse and worse. Your shame and guilt gets to the point of mortifying. You have been arrested for drunk driving with a blood alcohol of .17 or more (in Michigan that is called "super drunk". As if getting a DUI isn't bad enough). Everyone talks and whispers about you behind your back. When you try to quit, you get the shakes and have to try and act like you don't in front of anyone. Your self esteem is non existent and your relationships with just about every person in your life are strained and stressed. You can't sleep, you don't eat right, and you're in a state of extreme depression.
I share all of these things with you because I want you to realize that you're very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. Please don't keep regretting things you've said and done while drunk. Please don't do something stupid and hurt yourself or someone else. Please don't go to jail or the cemetery. I know I'm rambling, but I would do anything to be in my 30's now and get the time back and have a do-over. I'm a lot older than you and I am giving you motherly advice.
My best friend died in an accident in July. That made me realize how life changes in an instant. You think you're invincible, but you're not.
I wish you the best of luck and hope I am not coming across to you as a know-it-all. I've just had a lot more life experience than you.

I'm more of a binge drinker. I drink about a bottle (or more) of wine 1-2 nights per week.

It's easy for me to not drink if I'm out with friends because I only drink when I'm bored. If I'm out doing something drinking isn't appealing to me. Also, I don't go to bars or parties anymore...

Thanks for that. I hope you don't mind me saying I see a problem tho...

keeping busy occupied and productive is important - but a good plan needs to also cover the nuts and bolts of not drinking.

what to do if you crave, what supports you have and how to use them, what to do when you're ambushed by the opportunity to drink, what lifestyle changes you need to make....

You also have to cover those times when you're not busy or productive - because noone can be 24/7.

There are some more good ideas here
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html

D

That puts you in about 75% of the western population of "NORMAL" adult drinkers.....

That amount of consumption wouldn't indicate a drinking problem...

Thank you for the link, Dee!

Normal? Since when is drinking 1-2 bottles of wine in one night normal?

I know a lot of people will probably say I don't have a problem but I feel like there's some kind a problem. I've tried to quit who knows how many times and it's yet to happen. Maybe it's moreso my needing to learn how to deal with unpleasant emotions? I'm not sure. All I know is I need to be sober and I'm having a hard time doing it.

Thank you to everyone who encouraged me! I'm finishing up Day 1...

No it doesn't.

A lot of us focus on it, but Volumes not always the best indicator of problem.

Things like what happens to us when we drink, and how much we obsess about it, hide it, or fight for our 'right' to drink are much better indicators IMO.

I hate seeing new people here told they probably don't have a problem tbh,

If someone rocks up here and self identifies with a problem that's good enough for me.

D

I failed over and over again, until I didn't fail anymore. :) Keep trying. And to make sobriety more enjoyable, practice gratitude every day. :)

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

Sometimes we fail before we prevail!

Agreed! For the longest time I thought I didn't have a problem because I knew a lot of people who drank more than me (and more frequently) and they seemed to be doing fine.

I learned my body processes alcohol differently so even if I have one glass of wine, I'll wake up the next day feeling like I had a whole bottle. My mood is off, I'm lethargic, and I feel like skipping work. It's also hard for me to monitor my drinking --while drinking--because I never feel drunk. Some have said it's because I have a high tolerance but that's not the case; it's been like that since I first started drinking.

Anyway, I say all of that because I've learned, for me and my body, the amount I drink is a huge problem...but it probably wouldn't be an issue for most people.

Day 2!

When I was newly sober people tried to tell me I didn't have a *real* problem.

I don't know why they would think they can mind-read, but there it is.

SeekingAdvice, welcome back and congrats on Day 2. Go to bed sober tonight, no regrets tomorrow.

Sorry you are correct. I was thinking in terms of volume. I'm not saying this person don't have a problem by the way, just that drinking that amount of alcohol wouldn't be seen as problematic by pretty much everyone I have ever met in my life who does drink alcohol on a regular basis.

I agree though it is the reasons behind why we drink, not the amount drunk which is important.