Ben123 looking for accountability
 

Hello all

I am really looking for support to turn "progress" in to something long term (forever).

I wouldn't even post on here if I hadn't moved so far. But its not enough and I am committing myself (again, DAMN MYSELF) to making this permanent.

I have drunk since I was 16, daily and to blackout, and have known I needed to stop for 18 of the 22 years thats involved. I've been on here for 12 months, lurking, and then for 50+ days was sober over the summer.

It was bliss. It wasn't actually bliss, I had ups and downs, but it was so much better than drinking.

I slipped - I came back. I slipped - I came back. I've slipped again and I'm back. I will keep coming back until I am sober forever or I die. I really can't drink anymore, its not working (if you know what I mean, and I guess you do ;) )

I am going to post here daily, looking for support. I am much further forward than July as I now know I can stay sober for one/two/three days, and also the practical nature of this.

I wont go on, I have already, I really hate "Day One" posts :) . Just I'll be back tomorrow and any support is welcome

Mr 123

I hear you Ben. Im 53 did drugs at 15 for a while but wasnt my choice I liked booze more so been pretty much drinking since.. Now I am starting to pay the price. Issues with relationship, health and friends. I am only 5 days sober, but I have to make a change. It is upto me to do the change before it is too late..I dont want to feel like **** anymore..You can do it but you really really want to want it. I have accepted that I cant drink anymore. I don’t find it upsetting or sad like losing a friend. Its a great relief.. It takes too much wasted energy..

Cheers Sydney. I'm dong that classic day one thing of hanging in here and watching every post that comes in

I know I can do. Thats what I learned from my sober time. I also learned what I need to improve and do.

Watch this space Sydney, hope you are doing well today

I hear you too. Re it dose t work anymore. Might have been some enjoyment out of it onetime which is prob why we find it hard to pack it in. Speaking for myself I'm done with it , I v given it too many chances and wasted so many years tryin to control it. Best of luck.

Hi Ben. :)

I spent decades trying to find the old euphoria I once felt when drinking. I was shy & self-conscious - it seemed like an answer for me long ago. I had no idea I would one day be completely dependent on it - and never make a move without it. I almost lost my life trying to control the amounts I drank. In the end, it was in my system at all times. Foggy & numb - a terrible way to live.

Being here, where others understood me, made all the difference. I was able to get free & stay that way. You can do it, Ben. Glad you are with us!

Hey Ben.
You get to a point where you're just sick and tired of being sick and tired and I believe it's quit or (either) die or go insane.
My first AA meeting was 15 years ago. I never went back. 6 years ago I had my daughter and suddenly I was like...okkkkk... it isn't just me anymore. I think I need to do something. I went to a few AA meetings and last year I had 2 months sober with AA and then I drank again. I just could not imagine a life without alcohol but I found myself in that awful limbo of being miserable when drinking and miserable when not drinking.
5 and a half months ago I had a 10 day alcohol binge mixed with xanax. It nearly f$%king killed me. I was desperate. Broken. I prayed to live and to be sober. I went to AA and said please help me. I am 5 and a half months sober now and it isn't a myth,,,life really is getting better.
I would say the first 3 and a half/4 months were the hardest but it is getting easier and although I take my recovery a day at a time, I never ever want to go to that dark place again. I have fully accepted I am an alcoholic and that just one drink will set off the phenomenon of craving in me and I cannot stop drinking until pass out or worse. There has never been and will never be "just one drink" for me and once that first drink is inside me I have I idea where it will take me. I cannot drink moderately or safely.
I do have drinking thoughts still although the real obsession has lifted, but I know these will pass.
I will look forward to keeping up with your sober thread!!!
You can do this Ben! We can do this!

Sorry, I also need to credit Sober Recovery for my sobriety too. I read as much as I can here and I post daily on my April thread. Sober Recovery and AA keep me sober..

I was a chronic relapser, until I wasn't. I finally decided I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.

Sorry, I also need to credit Sober Recovery for my sobriety too. I read as much as I can here and I post daily on my April thread. Sober Recovery and AA keep me sober..

Hiya, Ben --

You have the strength of character and will and the determination to do this. It will happen. Let your higher self guide you. Keep reminding yourself of what you want and why you want it.

I really enjoy your posts ben and believe in you.
It can feel really frustrating and awful to slip. One thing my counsellor said to me, was that sobriety isn't always linear. It is a fight and we have to remove all options to go back to it, but its also an individual learning process.
So take everything you know about recovery and what you have learned about this time, and keep moving forward. Try and read about the different recovery methods and keep practicing what has worked.
You mentioned you got bored I thought in one of your posts. I know its easier said then done, but do you have a motivator you can add to replace the enjoyment or leisure time previously spent drinking? It could be reading or anything youve wanted to do or learn or anything that might give you enjoyment that is healthy.

I'm currently reading materials by marc lewis and i find his explanation of his theory of what happens in the addiction cycle and addicts brain really helpful.

You can watch his lectures online too.

I know with me, being overly tired, working too long hours, too much change, and not following a daily routine can put me in the relapse danger zone.
I try and do things preventatively, because they say we all have different stress thresholds, but its a lot easier to find coping methods before it gets to the stress danger zone.

What about martial arts or something like that

Something you can join so you dont feel like you are missing out on joining in, but that has nothing to do with alcohol, and that would give you fulfillment

What thoughts or what was going on when you slipped

Morning all, thanks for replies. At work this morning and then home for about three, then the gym 4-5 then home probably to sleep Uber-early.

I’m ill - excuse to drink or what 😞. Recurrence of an old condition and I drank on it and so, as a direct consequence, I now feel ten times worse. It does hurt mind. Poor old me!!

Plus side is I have to see my GP today so I’ll ask her again about support. She’s as sick of my drinking as I am 😉. To be honest there is not much she can do, I don’t suffer too awfully with withdrawals it’s longer term that I feck it up

But telling her is good, I told my brother this weekend which is daft but it is all a step forward in moving on from pretending I can drink to being honest with myself that, actually, I can’t.

There's something worse than another day one post - no another one day post.

You're committed to coming back here and that'S great - now you have to call yourself out on whatever those thought processes are to allow you to drink again, Ben.

D

Same here. I fought with booze for decades, and it always kicked my ass. I could never make it behave the way I wanted it to, so I finally had to leave it alone. I credit this forum, and specifically posting daily in a 'Class Of' thread, with supporting that decision in March of 2017. I no longer post every day, but I read here all the time. Comes a time when you've just had enough! Done, over with, lifetime limit reached, enough with the fighting already...

Ben - welcome and thank you for sharing. SO many of us have been there - trying and failing, failing and trying over and over. At this point in my permanent sobriety I look back on those attempts and see someone who was always seeking sobriety - not someone who kept seeking the poison. Our decisions to keep drinking intervene with what we truly want - it's very clear from your post that you have the drive within you as well. Your true self wants to get sober.

SR got me sober. Keep posting and reading and posting. Accountability, wisdom, support, a little tough love - it's all here as you probably know already.

Congrats on your decision to keep coming back. It will get you where you want to be.

Well half my plan worked. I got to work and that was ok, but didn’t make the gym.

I’m actually ill - not even hungover ill or withdrawal ill but ill-ill. Feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. So I’ve not made the gym.

Main part of the plan (not drinking) also worked, i should add!!

I can’t be off tomorrow but I’m hoping this passes soon. Anyway, I’m home now and safe and looking forward to a sober sleep.

My plan is so tight this week I’d be hard pressed to drink even if I wanted to, I’ll check in tomorrow first thing.

Morning all

Good sleep, I’m up early to go to work early. Feeling slightly better, I’m ok to work at least.

Finishing early then home before coaching football early evening.

Had quite a wierd drinking dream where I was going to the pub for ‘one last drink’ but ate a chocolate bar and decided not to based on, ‘It’s just delaying the inevitable’. Obviously my brain is working this out still even when I’m asleep

Just observing the timing and nature of cravings.

Morning (I never drank in the morning). Saying ‘You might as well drink later’. ‘There’s no loint you’re bound to drink at some point, why not today’.

I’m ok with them, I’m not going to drink at work, never did, but I regularly made a decision to drink on them and acted on this later.

Thats why its awesome every one of us can change Ben :)

D

What, so now I can drink in the morning 😂😂😂😂😂

Best part of my plan is to wake up and shave every morning. That’s a real change

That was a good day. So busy at work, but in a good way. I even ran around with the kids during football training. It’s the favourite part of my week - I was ‘volunteered’ to do it 5 years ago and I wouldn’t miss it for the world now

Tired, in a good way. Plan for tomorrow is tight until 3 and I’ll have a think about what I’ll do then as it’s bang in danger zone

you don't get extra credit for thinking on the fly Ben - why not start making a plan now? :dunno:

D

Morning all. Plan is sorted Dee - work in a minute, finish at three and it’s a great forecast so I’m going to walk back ‘the long way’ to get my exercise in for the day. Means I’ll get in about 90 minutes later and if I turn left at the right time I miss walking past my local (which at that time would be a trigger).

I’ll be in then, and pretty tired, so will be ok for the evening.

Slept well, gratitude and shave before work it is pretty tight. Not sure I can be this regimented every day but maybe I can?

Evening all, in and safe. Plan worked well apart from needing to stay behind at work so instead walked midday for an hour in the beautiful (hot!) October sunshine. Bizarre weather

Got a lift home from my SO to avoid any bother on way home

Plan for tomorrow is a loooooonnnnng meeting 9.30-2.30, then an appointment, then a shorter meeting, then in for dinner. I’ll be driving and there will be little space for me thinking...’I could drink later’ until I’m finish at 6.00. So straight home for food then

I had a McFlurry today. Goodness they’re delicious

Keep moving forward Ben :)

D