I did warn i was going to be posting actively :) - Renvates Sober counter
 

Hello everyone.

I am finishing up day 2.

You know my father today told me "He who searches will always find"

And I've been searching on how to do something different this time.

in my two days, I have
-gone to AA, planning atm to do every Mon and Thur as per their schedule.

- i have definitely accepted step 1 out of the 12

- I have written hello letters to all my old friends that i haven't spoken to in years. With one i discussed alcohol and found that he too also has a problem ( he even has a micro-distillery to save cash) .

- i did tell him i went to AA, he said "jeez are you alright man" i explained to him it's like a gym, but for your brain.

- i was extremely bogged down today with sadness, i forced myself to go for a long strenuous bike ride - my tire went flat but I did enjoy the walk back home - the ride did improve my mood

- I have taken steps to partly let go of my relationship.

- i have made this journal ( to also keep the board clean) ;)

- atm, i need to be around people, in part that's why i have been very active here today. even txt gives off a company vibe.

- iam still spontaneously breaking into tears for about...10 seconds every hour or two for some reason though. i don't know what this is, this has never happened before.

in conclusion, upon doing these things it has helped unfog that "drive" to not pick up a drink. Ive been here before, i know this drive and it has helped me in the past.

onto 3 tomorrow

Nice work renvate! When you put effort like that into recovery it makes staying alcohol free that much easier than just trying to sit it out.

This sounds great!

Being willing to do something different like this will greatly increase your chances of success.

And crying is fine--I look at it as healing.

:scoregood

Hang in there bud. Last time I got sober my emotions were everywhere. Indeed, that’s where I am right now. Last night I was getting choked up watching the Lord of the Rings (the very last one).

Other moments I am angry as hell. Other moment depressed. Other moments anxious as all hell. And particularly in the evenings, calm and happy to be sober.

But I can play the tape forward, and going back to drinking to cover it all up, is just not worth it.

way to back up your words with action!!!

sounds like a good start renvate :)

D

Day 3 ending

wow day 3, so very early. so far away from my goal. But yet it feels like ages ago I had my last drink.

I Keep waking up exactly at 4 am the last 3 nights, perhaps this one might be better.

But still extremely irritable and wound up. If I am too wound up I cant talk in public. I cant put together a sentence sometimes. I just splutter out some incoherent sentence. weird ay.

but anyway, Usually I'd stop in for a beer after work, this time just plain old maturity drove me straight past the bottle shop.

I was also at the hardware store today and someone had spilled some kind of alcohol solution, I think. Because it was in the air. Jeez, I could even feel my pupils dilate once the whiff hit my nose.

And lastly, to unwind my extreme tense mood, I finally went for my first run in over 3 years, my record was 15kilometers - this was only 2though. So if you have the opportunity folks, go for a Run or a bike ride, it will help you out.

Thank you.

Exercise was already a part of my routine even when I was drinking, but once I stopped drinking, it became a spiritual experience. I quit drinking in the Spring here and the explosion of life and all its metaphoric visuals was not lost on me.

Keep it going. The first week is the worst, really uncomfortable.

I never want to go back there.

I suggest ice cream. Rocky Road comes to mind. :wink3:

You got this renvate! I wish I had a bike, that sounds amazing!!! Seems like a great way to leave the world behind and let it fall away in a blur. I love my meetings. Hope you can find a good sponsor.

Congratulations on 3 days Renvate.
It's normal for your sleep patterns to be a bit disrupted when you first quit (I was the opposite of you, I slept all the time) and the irritability and feeling of rawness should fade away soon too.

You mentioned stopping for a beer after work when you were drinking. I work graveyard and when I would come back from my shift, I would stop at the deli to get some beer. One thing which really was useful at the beginning was changing my route home.

I walked a couple of extra block so I would not pass the deli and I would not not go in impulsively. Like that if the idea of a drink materialized, I would have to go out of my way to get it which would basically turn an impulse fueled by the AV into a conscious decision.
Plainly speaking, it would have given me a few extra minutes to get back into my "right mind" and decide not to purchase alcohol.

Anyway, you got a sound plan and you are taking action!
Keep it up.

Day 4 down.
i have ZERO enthusiasm to drink ( but i know its coming, as sneaky as it always does)

TEXT MOOD - not sad or angry, just passive.


Today was a tough one, I worked on my own so unfortunately I was stuck with my mind, it definitely didn't give me a break.

I was meant to go to AA today. No excuse, i just didnt. I was abit taken back by the very depressive mood amongst the 14 members on Monday, and i will find another meeting within the next few days.

today i realized that i basically rode out that relationship on either a hangover or under the influence.. very minimal sober time, i came to the conclusion that her loss of respect for me was all because of that.

she only knew me as an alcoholic. And the sober time i DID have, she told me "you are the sweetest guy on earth....and then when you drink, you turn into this truck driver"

I will probably remember this for the rest of my life, what amazing advice it was, so cheezy but so true.

I still though... have my reasons for why I ended the relationship, her behavior was not perfect, neither was mine. We both crossed each other's lines many of times, and with that, resentment set in on both sides - I just merely got the ball rolling towards the end.

I am saddened that I will probably never see her again as i wanted to marry her if it had worked out, and the last time we saw each other was when she boarded her plane. She had no emotion, just that look, and vibe that you both know its over, and off she went through the gate.

But I guess time heals all wounds.

Amazed how i am only NOW starting to process everything after 4 months. Just goes to show how much I've been numbing myself.

Thats all to write due to the fact its the ONLY thing that hurricaned in my head all day.

Day 5 tommorow, can't wait, hope the wakeup isn't as bad as today, I opened my eyes and realized " oh great, reality"

"Oh, great, reality."

Tomorrow morning, answer that (which I believe to be your Addictive Voice trying to give you ammunition for your next drink.) I would snipe back with, "Yeah, yay! I woke up! Another fresh start today!" or whatever positive thought you can use to magic-away that AV.

I had gotten into such a depressive pattern of thinking that it was a couple months before I was consistent in my back-talk to that. IT wanted to bring me down. I learned to win the argument with myself.

You'll feel better than this. Trust the process, and work to stop beating yourself up over the relationship. Some people are meant to come, be a teacher, and go. That was her role. There was a lesson here for her, too.

Blessings.

Thanks, blue, i of course am moving forward, i want to, but just gotta go through the process first considering its all hitting me now.

what i meant about reality was that, in my sleep i obviously have peace from my mind.

I love it!!! Great job Renvate!

You're lucky! When I was drinking, sleep was not a peaceful place.

Good thing about being sober is that I don't defer my emotions.

I hadn't dealt with a LOT - that was (in my mind) why I drank, but the reality is that drinking stops the healing and causes that Poor Me circular thinking that never gets resolved. Now I can process things and keep moving. It's a huge relief.

We all make/made bad relationship moves. It's not particularly easy for sober people either.

Great to read you’re making this happen. Good luck to you!

good job on day 4 renvate :)

D

Day 5 is over,

Txt mood - passive explanation of thoughts, not sad or happy, maby abit angry.

Today was different. I actually finally felt a ray of sunshine pop into my mind, and yet STILL doing that dam spontaneous breakdown every few hours. But i think that's started to ease as well.

And its been like this all day HAPPY extremely sad, HAPPY extremely sad - i only now feel ok because I had weights workout at the gym.

I am also having trouble falling asleep due to very disruptive thoughts.

so to put it bluntly honest - every time i close my eyes i can see my ex and her new bf having sex. and the same dam thought comes straight back when i wake up - at 4 am. which happens to be 11 pm where they are atm . and 11 pm usually means bedtime. So every time i wake up they are probably screwing......

i know its crazy thoughts, really crazy thoughts. i thought this too. BUT this was my thoughts in the morning, and as the day progressed i just stopped caring.

I even played that image in my head ( yes for some test torture) and i actually don't care. its still unpleasant, but its not as devastating .(finally)

I guess if it was some random person then fine, let it be. But since this guy was a presence in her txts in our relationship, it makes things ever so vengeful from my side.

note - after i saw these txts i lost all trust and started to move the relationship to the end no matter how much i didn't want too. That was my red line. Infact she probably beat me to it by choosing to do that, it means she must of been not happy with my alcoholism, but then again she fought hard for our relationship.

Anyway, once you see hidden messages people, dont be passive, start chopping. you will only respect yourself more.

Just to shed some light, this is a VERY VERY bad subject for me. 2 ex girlfriends in the past rubbed in my face that fact that they slept with people (after our breakup) upon reconciliation One even said "don't worry we used a condom" .....

Please note. i do have dignity, no way in HELL did I go back to those relationships, Not after that information, never. I would rather be alone and bitter then be together and bottling that information up pretending it never happened... just thank god this girl didn't say anything.


so these bedtime thoughts are just stemming from all those old wounds that still have lots of salt in them.

on a positive note. THANK GOD I STARTED THIS! I am so grateful I am at least 5 days away from day one. In the past, i have tackled every life issue with the bottle, this time I am tackling the loss of the relationship sober. The next extreme grief to feel, i believe is the death of a loved one. Which putting bluntly, will happen soon in our family.

And if I cant get through a break up sober, how the hell am i gonna cope with the rest of life's turns?

Tomorrow is day 6 and i am joining a hiking group at 6am.

Keep moving forward renvate :)

D

Day 6 is over.

Not much to add, just been in zombie mode all day. Very dull day. I slept in for the hike but very luckily managed to score a spot in a group later in the day. It was a very steep climb. After the hike and feeling tired I did crave a beer though.

But overall..I have 0 enthusiasm to drink, I picture myself on that desk with all those bottles..and it's just going nowhere. I really don't like it. That situation is absolutely terrible and it has no future.

Way to go on your upcoming week :)

D

I am on day 2 renvate so it’s great to read your posts, they are keeping me focussed.

Thanks Alice, give it your best shot, you won't regret it.

Day 7 down.

This time last week i was head down on my desk surrounded by wine and beer bottles in the most miserable state I've ever been in. I was contemplating of driving down to get more alcohol, nothing scared me, i was ready to accept all consequences just for a drink. But common sense still prevailed and i went to bed.


Reading back my posts i can say that my mind has settled abit. My emotions have calmed down and my rational mind has set it. Iam moving on with my life with the ex thing. I have deleted all possibles means of contact and information from Her. for my own stability she does not exist.

now i don't pray, But Just before bed yesterday though i said a prayer for her to be happy. Who would of thought the power of a small first-time prayer would take so much tension out of my shoulders, and it gave me relief.

i am making quick progress attempts to socialize with people - nondrinking people. Iam forcing this and iam making it a habit to see what a new life can bring, Iam not a social person so this is a different step for me.

In saying that I am a bit embarrassed with all the stuff ive written, probably because its unusual for me to express this stuff, But i decided that it has to be written down to deload and to compare later down the track.

Today i went to a live music festival where i was surrounded by alcohol. I didn't get tempted because that was my old life. The life of bars music and attempted flirting and extreme public bing drinking. I was there to see who was in our meetup group. Unfortunately, our meeting group headed straight to the beer garden so i just said bye and left. I have nothing to do there nor did i want to make friends with them...

I was thirsty, and i found a juice bar. ordered some detox drink and drove home to get on my new mountain bike and ride to the gym - this isnt a forced change of life, i actually enjoy it and always wanted to do this, but alcohol has always stopped me.


in one week i have:
-moped around like a miserable mess making everyone angry at me.
-gone to AA, let a group know iam an alcoholic and i need help.
-Started exercising just to ease my head.
-Started to join social groups that DONT drink.
-Redirecting hope to a new life and better life choices

My old life is only right there next to me, i can transition any day, i am scared i might someday when the shock of the old life wears off. But ill tackle that when i get to it, atm iam busy building a new one.

DAY 9 down

I figured id post to this counter/accountability thread every 2 or 3 days as it makes things easier.

I think iam over that crazy emotion peak, as iam feeling very balanced today. lve been laughing and talking more thats for sure - heaps of energy.

yesterday was an absolute nightmare though. I haven't been that down in a long long time. I woke up so angry and every hour till bedtime i just kept getting angrier and angrier and sadder and sadder.

Perhaps i was getting worse because i didn't numb it at the start with booze, i let my brain chemicals do its thing - and who would of thought, it went away eventually. Now I've felt down before, but this was a WHAM i had not experienced yet.

I dont really crave a drink, only because i am so sick of that lifestyle.

one beer will get me BACK straight to where i was.

Hit the gym again today, made myself a program for the month to stick to, cant wait for the results.

other then that iam enjoying replying to threads that i can relate too.

onto day 10.

Day Nine was my absolute worst day of early sobriety/withdrawal, whatever it was.

If someone so much as looked in my direction - -

I think I cried for the entire day. At the time I was hitting AA meetings daily, and on Day Nine someone said something that set me off for the rest of the day and probably for most of the next day. :lmao: That was the one and only time I tested the, "pick up the phone if you want a drink," that I heard in AA. It worked, someone talked me off the ledge and got me laughing at myself.

My own head was a very dangerous place for me to spend much time in early sobriety. I think posting on here is a great idea, it does get one out of that churning inner turmoil. I posted in my Class of March thread several times a day. That was my safe place.

Keep doing the next right thing! You've made a great start, it will get better from here.

I’m just starting my Day 5 and your posts are inspiring me! Please keep posting!

Day 11 down.


Not alot to say atm. Iam having the typical one/ two-week sober routine.

-feeling healthy
-looking healthy
-feeling fresh.
-emotions are sliding back to normal
-.....craving a cold beer.

I guess that's just habit. It was a hot day today, My neighbor sat on his porch today drinking a beer, and that definitely made my mouth water.

the cravings are there, i just have to make a choice, it's that simple. I quickly chose to remind myself what am doing and where i will end up.

unfortunately ....UNFORTUNATELY - my mind started to slip into the "what the points fighting cravings all your life, its just a beer"

But again, i made my subconscious choice to just pure and simply not drink today, and it was not that difficult. And i don't plan to drink tomorrow either.

i can't wait to see the results from my weight lifting goal ive set, i would of never have done it whilst drinking.

onto Day 12

You won't fight cravings all your life if you stay sober - only if you keep drinking...

D

Yeah, what Dee said.

Cravings do go away - you've got to keep going past them, and past four months. They're like a bad pathway in the brain and metaphorically, the grass does grow up over it with lack of use.

At about five and a half months for me I had a really tough time with wanting to drink. I've read that more than once on this forum from others.

There is something about certain soberversaries that cause increase in cravings - but after that first year it was just a little whisper, easily dismissed.

Love the thread. Dont be embarassed about talking about your personal ****. It means you are processing it, and feeling it. Gotta feel it to heal it!

And, for the record, ive done the same imagining someone having sex with someone else or doing the things you did. Its damn painful. But you are on a roll, and no one is stopping you! :)