Socializing, friendships, marriage - and alcohol
 

Just one month over two years of sobriety and after a very challenging vacation last week where I was the only adult non drinker, I feel low today as I contemplate spending the rest of my life as a sober person amidst drinkers.

H is hitting the vodka today at home. He also spent the day prepping the corner of our backyard for an outside fireplace, and told me he wants to have all our (drinking) neighbors over. I guess he had a great time last week and wants to keep the party going.

Now he had been a two/three beers a night guy, with liquor here and there, although I suspect he hides some of his drinking.

I felt dread suffuse my insides at the prospect of playing hostess to a bunch of drinking folks, esp. as an empty nester.

How can I navigate this? How can I not plunge into a sort of judgemental, cold person? I feel repulsed by people now when they are drinking/drunk. How can I be social?

I feel....trapped. Scared. Out of control of my home environment. Tips from you sober ppl married to drinkers?

Is this the kind of life you got sober for? Can't help thinking you are getting a second rate deal.

Well, there are the kinds of people that just drink and then there are the kinds of people that take it too far and become annoying with excessive alcohol intake. I would hope that your neighbors are the kind that are not that annoying when they drink.

Anyways, alcohol consumption is just a part of life for many people. They enjoy life with the juice. It's best just to let them go and do what they are going to do. Since I no longer have a desire to drink, these drinkers don't bother me.

My first attempt at sobriety I came home one day to a wife that wanted a glass of wine. I almost thought it was offensive that I was trying to quit and she was going to do it in front of me. Then I realized that it's a part of most people's life. Just because it's a problem for me doesn't mean it's a problem for other people. And it's also not my place to put my problems on them and expect them Not to have a drink. You can also try talking to your husband and explaining to him how you feel.

Oh I have. Believe me. He has told me he’s proud of me, yet last week, he called my sobriety a “burden” on him and everyone else on vacation.

I think he probably misses drunk madgirl to a certain extent, because I was much more obviously sick and it took some pressure off of him - also, he liked me drinking in these social settings.

But - drunks are OBNOXIOUS. Loud, laughing at things which aren’t funny, unpredictable, etc. I don’t enjoy being around it.

I’ve read both of your posts now and can’t help but think back to the time when I was getting sober and my husband was still drinking excessively . I know that there are people out there who can tolerate that type of relationship but it did not work for me and it sounds like it’s just not working for you either. You say you don’t want to judge but you are judging him and the drunk neighbors and that’s okay. But it feels like the only way to move forward is to either accept this situation (husbands drinking problem and all) or decide that you aren’t going to accept it. I know I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t for the life of me work so hard to stay sober while watching my husband drink himself silly right before my eyes and I certainly wouldn’t be interested in hanging out with a bunch of drunk people. . It just didn’t align with who I was anymore and I can hear that same persistent nagging in your words. This is not your idea of fulfilling- am I right?

Let me ask you this- do you love your husband enough to stay with him despite his drinking and the fact that it is still a big part of who he is and how he enjoys his free time? Are you able to accept this part of him without judgment? Are there sober things you do together? If he was away for two weeks and you could spend your time with friends, how would you spend it? Do you guys have non drinking friends you hang out with and entertain as well as the people he wants to invite over? Maybe there is a way to do both. Again I know there are couples who can make this type of thing work so hopefully one of them will chime in. My husband stopped getting drunk over a year ago. I probably would not have stayed with him otherwise because for me it just did not work anymore. Plus we have two small children which made it all much more complicated.

These neighbors were loud, annoying and even tried to get my 18 yo son to have a drink (he passed on it.) I’d say that is pretty obnoxious - not even ask me? When Ive made it clear that I don’t drink?

Also I am curious to understand why this is all coming up now after two years of sobriety. What were the first two years like and what did you do to navigate these social events? Were you around drunk people then? Was your husband drinking during those first two years? Why is this so prevalent now? What changed other than becoming empty nesters?

I know Im judging, and I know I don’t want to do that.

We don’t have any non-drinking friends.

If he were away for two weeks, aside from work I’d pet my dogs, read books, hike, maybe binge watch Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings, listen to music - the exact same things I do while he is here.

I suppose I can live with hosting a few dinner parties here and there, but what is painful is his total disregard for my choice and lack of support.

We aren’t empty nesters yet, son still lives here at home (high school senior).

Husband has consistently drank, amounts vary but most of the time it was quiet while we hung out in the family room.

I was very open in early sobriety about challenges with husband here on SR.

The one big change is ME. i AM different.

Husband went on canoe trips with his friends, and I have largely avoided any social life in my new sobriety.

I made some since I stopped drinking.

I find it helpful.

Are you entertaining them in your home? Are you married to one?

Yes. I need to find some!!!

I totally agree that this is going to help! How nice would it be to invite non drinkers over for dinner?

I haven't had to deal with anything that obnoxious. I also havent been sober long. The time before this was a couple months and I put myself into situations too be around people drinking. It was actually motivation because I thought to myself that I wouldn't want to act like these people. But in your situation I don't know how I would handle being subjected to that. And I don't have kids but the thought that some one would offer my underage kid a drink without my permission would really upset me, to the point I would not want to associate with them anymore.

I got sober because I wanted inner peace. I knew I would die horribly if I stayed active in my alcoholism.

Up until this point I haven’t thought through what I want out of life -I have just been running away from the old me.

VERY nice. It sounds wonderful!!!

I can relate to that. It must be very hard if you feel different now but life around you isn’t changing. You are the only one who knows what to do here. Your feelings are totally valid and the fact that you aren’t feeling supported by him is most likely causing a lot of this. Is there any chance you would be open to counseling with him to discuss these things?

It sounds like a building resentment to me. I can feel it in your words and until this is addressed nothing is going to get better. My husband was the same way until he stopped drinking as well. It was the worst feeling in the world.

Personally I would set some boundaries. You don’t like being around people who are drunk so don’t be around. Tell your husband to have a great party without you. You don’t owe an explanation to anyone but if you feel comfortable tell them the truth. That you have stopped drinking and don’t enjoy drinking functions.

I’m sure a few feathers will be ruffled but it is none of my business what others think of me.

He stopped because he also wanted sobriety? The light came on for him?

And yes. Yes to resentment.

I love this advice

I can TRY doing that but it’s going to **** him off to host alone.

I guess you can settle for any kind of deal you like, though it often saddens me when someone settles for less than they deserve.

In AA we have this little prayer about having the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to change what we can, and wisdom to know which is which.

My life today has simplified to that simple decision. Do I accept it, or change it? I make my choice and leave the outcome in God's hands.

Both my late wife and new wife are drinkers in the social sense. We entertain often and never feel any need to control the consumption of our guests. I guess we have different friends now, ones that can handle their booze and drink responsibly/socially.

When I first got sober, which was before I was married, I had a lot of drinking friends, who drank in a way that was similar to my old pattern. They are not in my life today. I didn't allow that kind of drinking in my house, I didn't find their company enjoyable when they were over indulging. I left them to it.

It iis funny how alcoholics gravitate towards each other when they are drinking. By the same token, sober alcoholics sometimes get into relationships with each other on the basis of their shared interest in recovery.

A shared interest either in recovery or drinking is based in the common ground of having the same disease. There are much better grounds for friendships and relationships than having a disease in common.

I'm 5 years sober. My friends are also sober. My Family is hosting a Games (??) Against Humanity (& other card games) "Game Night" this Saturday. Laughing is #1 !!! How can you not?? LOL!!

Hosting a party with drinkers? Nope, I'm busy hubby! Have fun guys, then go do something YOU enjoy. Simple advice. But, I know it's hard. That's how it works in Recovery, you & your sobriety come first.
:grouphug: Bobbi

I can sense your resentment in your post madgirl. And justifiably so. To me, your husband is acting disrespectfully expecting you to host booze-filled get-togethers, especially after you let him know how you felt at the beach. It sounds like he may have some alcohol issues of his own. He’d probably say he just likes to “have a good time” and stop being such a “dud”. But how many of us used to use those lines in the midst of our alcoholic drinking careers? Not saying he is one, just he seems pretty callous and adamant about it.

I agree boundaries are in order. And some soul-searching. You have to look after A#1 sometimes, your sobriety and sanity depend on it.

Hi mad girl I agree with others who have said leave your husband to host alone. Yes it will annoy him but it's annoying you him hosting and having total disregard for your feelings. Your priority is to protect yourself and your sobriety.

There are also bigger forces at work here. As others have said your resentment is creeping in. Do you want to spend the rest of your life around drinkers and people who do nothing but drink.

I feel for you Madgirl. My husband is a heavy drinker and drinks whether our company is drinking or not. What has evolved during my sobriety, however, is that the wives or lady partners are starting to choose one of my sparkling waters, since many are trying to cut calories. They used to drink wine at my house. Perhaps some of your group will begin to choose alternative beverages. Hope so!

While I like the idea of separating yourself from the hosting duties of the alcohol get togethers, my husband would also be ****** if he had to do it alone.

What astounds me with my husband is that he wouldn't smoke in front of me when I was trying to quit smoking. However, drinking is another issue.

I don't really have much advice to offer other than to offer non alcoholic beverages as an alternative to your guests. Perhaps with the warmer weather approaching, others will be more inclined to have a cold sparkling water, iced tea or such.

Good Luck!

As much as it's going to **** you off if you do it? Think back to that condo! That was bad enough - but for that blatant disrespect to go on in your home?!?

His plans, as you have said, completely disregard your feelings, or that fact that your home should be your safe place. His circus. His monkeys. Let him get on with it.

Is there somewhere you and your son could go for an excursion? Cinema and meal. Drive out and explore somewhere new? I dunno.

I also agree that this would be much, much easier with a network of sober friends to support you, and who you could go out with or meet for coffee and chats. My sober pals have been rocks to me. Some from AA, and others from church mainly, plus one or two old school friends from pre-drinking days who I'd forgotten about for years then made amends to when I got sober. Why not look up some women's meetings and give them a go at least?

BB

I don;t have any real experience to offer with this one madgirl as my home is an alcohol free zone.

It means less hosting and less invites to other peoples places but I think you can tell I'm not really worried by that anymore.

I made a firm, decision early on not to be around people who drank like I did.
It started as self preservation, and now its just the way I prefer it.

Sometimes I need to be - for work as a musician - but I'm always glad to leave.

I hope that your husband will snap out of vacation mode soon.

I also hope that maybe then you and your husband can talk this through and come to some compromise.

D