Time for honesty.
 

I can't seem to stay sober, and I have tried the same things over and over again, but the only thing I haven't tried is just to get the root of the problem. So here is me, just trying to be honest... Trying to let go so that I can move on without alcohol because alcohol doesn't solve anything.

...

I’ve never thought I deserved to be sad. Never allowed myself to feel sadness without consequence. Looking back, I can see every time I felt bad, I always tortured myself over it. “What right do you have?”,
“You have everything, and you’re still acting like this”…

I’ve always forced myself to have a reason to be sad,
to be angry,
to be confused,
to be happy,
to be.

I’ve never told anyone anything. Nothing real. Nothing that could change anything. I haven’t felt worth the attention.

That seems absolutely absurd thinking about it. I give everyone else that type of attention without second thought, and I wouldn’t even care if they deserved it or not.

Deserved.
Who really deserves anything anyway? What justifies something being deserved?
Maybe nothing we feel needs deserving. It’s just a feeling.

I need to learn to allow myself the same that I allow everyone else. I need to give myself time, patience, understanding, and I really need to stop hating myself so much. I need to throw out scales and bottles, and maybe I need affirmations on the ******* mirror because the loathing is deep. And…

I don’t know.

shrug

I really don’t know because I don’t do this. I have never done this, and every time I think I’m trying to help myself, I’m really just making excuses so everyone believes I’m trying to help myself. I don’t intentionally lie (most of the time), maybe deceive was a better word… I don’t intentionally deceive people… I just don’t think of myself as a person.
Yeah.
I don’t.

Drinking hasn't landed me in the hospital or jail (yet)...Let’s be honest though, I’ve just learned to do things better. I haven’t learned to treat myself better, and HOW do I do that.

That’s what this is.
I’m trying to figure it out.

I think it's important to deal with underlying issues, and I think many of us have to learn to treat ourselves well.

You might like to check out this thread in the Women's Forum where we try to do something nice for ourselves every day and we offer support to each other. I hope you join us:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ml#post6806275

Thank you, Anna. I'm going to check out the link now.

Welcome. You'll find a lot of support and resources here. We're here with you!