3rd OWI - Life Changer
 

Hi. First time here. Years ago I quit drinking for about 2 years, played around with it a bit since but obviously didn't stick.

This past Friday night I passed out behind the wheel and wrapped my car around a telephone pole. I'm charged with my 3rd OWI. I don't know for certain but I think my BAC was north of .2. Thank God I didn't hurt anyone. I'm bruised and scratched - knees and elbows - and my ribs are sore (but not broken.) It's amazing that I didn't kill anyone or myself. My last memory is dimly realizing I had no idea where I was and that I should pull over. Then some very foggy images of my car skipping through tall grass and weeds... then wondering why the airbags were deployed and vapor or smoke coming out from my crumpled hood.

It's already broken me down to just about nothing. No car (I'm certain insurance won't cover it), facing jail time, limited money in the bank, no phone even - lost it sometime Friday night. Barring a miracle from an attorney I suspect I'll be facing some severe penalties given my BAC level and the accident. 45 days to 1 year in jail for starters.

I'm aware that what I'm about to go through is a game changer. I just need to weather the storm right now. I'll likely lose my job as it requires driving.

I'm taking things moment by moment right now. Surprisingly - even as I am certainly feeling guilt, shame, anxiety, etc. - I sometimes feel a bit of relief. I hated my job - was only doing it for the money. I knew that my personal life was a joke, I knew that I was having immense trouble taking care of myself in basic ways. I knew that my drinking habits were unsustainable.

Binger. I could easily go 2-3 weeks without booze. But when I did drink it usually ended up in blackout city with me making a total ass of myself in some fashion or another. I've been slowly and gradually corroding my sense of self for years. Even had a very close call behind the wheel about 4 years ago - enough of a scare that a normal person would think it would have gotten my attention. But it didn't. So here I am.

So yea. One thing at a time right now. I own this. I will get through the immediate storm and then move on to rebuild. Trying not to think about that too much just so that I focus on taking care of the basics right now.

Crazy. Don't be me.

You are facing a truly tough situation with courage.

You are right--this could be the catalyst for a total turn-around to a fulfilling and meaningful life.

Wishing you the best--one step at a time will get you there Buckley:grouphug:

Buck,

Sorry this happened to you. Glad you are not more hurt or didn't hurt anyone.

Your life has taken a new path. I carried the stigma of booze related incidents for years.

Many normies have little tolerance for us drunks.

It seems crazy that i would intentionally drink booze knowing what might happen.

But, it is not crazy. It is addiction.

It is science. There has been chemical and physical alteration and damage to my brain.

Due to my drinking days, parts of my brain are dead forever. As i heal, over the course of months and years, my brain adapts.

If i pick up again, the damage starts again.

The problem lies in the crave. The crave is science too. My brains ability to feel fun was damaged by the booze. That is why i relapsed over and over.

I had to suffer through the healing and rewiring. I had to make a new non drinking life.

It was very difficult. The whole time relapse looms.

Hope this helps you.

Thanks.

How many times do you get to drink and drive before they permanently take your license away for good?
Jail or rehab might be a really good thing for you, gives you lots of time to get sober and think about what you’re doing.
In the meantime, are you taking in lots of AA meetings? Sometimes sharing your story and feelings with others in person can be totally cleansing and helpful.

Hi Buckley,

Welcome to SR. I am glad you are here.

Sounds like you are ready to get sober for good. You cannot control what the courts or your employer will decide, but you can control your actions in the meantime. Have you looked into rehab at all? If you have insurance you may be able to go through them. If not, there are free programs out there.

This site is also a great resource for support.

If you stay sober at all costs, approach recovery (strongly suggest AA) with honesty, open mindedness, and willingness and work it like your life depends on it then it is very likely that you would look back on this post in 5 years from now blown away by how your life has improved. Also how the way you feel about yourself, others, the world, has improved.

Keep the faith there is a solution!

Thank you for sharing and helping me and others stay sober today.

3rd DUI is automatic prison time around here, so it’s serious serious business.

A lot of jails have AA programs..... I hope you’ll make recovery your #1 priority in all that lies ahead.

I’m glad you’re alive to make that choice....

Welcome Buckley, glad you are here. I do hope you can make sobriety your number one priority over anything else. Your job and the other material things you mention are all kind of meaningless until you can get a handle on your addiction. You will find a lot of support here to achieve that goal.

Welcome to SR, Buckley. Very glad you found us.

You are facing some tough times, things that will require your focus, time and energy.

Please keep sobriety and recovery at the top of your priority list. They are game-changers, life-changers. We can provide support, understanding and encouragement in those endeavors.

Stay close.

We care.

I have had 2 DUI's, both happened 15 years ago so things have changed. However, I do know someone who got his 3rd DUI and was also facing tough consequences and choices. So, I will share his actions that kept him out of jail;
First went straight to rehab...(maybe your job offers these benefits). Of coarse his boss found out, but respected that he took action, kept his job (they found him a new position that didn't involve driving). Got a public defender who approached the courts with a sobriety plan...30 days rehab, monitored sobriety, weekly AA meetings, outpatient therapy, community service, and probation (5 years).
This seems like a lot, and your outcome may be different. BUT, immediate action was looked upon favorably by his employer and the courts.....Hope this helps.

Blessings:grouphug:

I lost it over the holidays and got 2 DUIs. In Virginia it is mandatory jail time for any DUI. Spent most of January in jail. I still have to go to court for the second one. I dread the punishment, whatever it will be. I have some time served but I could get more jail time or at least a hefty fine.

Ps
 

Needless to say it totally ruined my life. No car, had to sell it to cover expenses, will not be able to drive anyway, no money, no job and what I was doing requires a background check (I was in higher education). No future? On a positive note I made a great friend in jail. There are some good people there that have been through a lot. I was not offered rehab or community service. It depends where you are, but seeking treatment is a good idea regardless. Hang in there, wishing you the best.

Apologies in advance - long post inbound.

Thank you so much to all of you who took the time to respond. For the first time since the incident I wept when I started reading your replies.

I was starting to wonder where the emotions were - it was starting to scare me that I was so numb.

I am committed to a life of sobriety. I'll tell more of my story as time goes on, but I've known for a long time that my habits were not sustainable. I've been lying to myself for so long that it's hard for me to say things like "I am committed to..." without feeling suspicious. I don't want to talk about it - I just want to do it.

Anarock - you are absolutely right. And I hope this doesn't sound bad but occasionally I do feel something that feels a bit like relief - that regardless of how crap the circumstances are at least the lie is finally over - and no one got hurt or killed.

Delilah - yes, I am only focused on my own actions. I'm confident that after the storm I'll be able to rebuild and live a life that is much more fulfilling.

For all you who mentioned AA - I've started looking for meetings. I will try to go tomorrow - Tuesday at the latest. I need help and support.


icewater - I can not tell you how much I appreciate you sharing your situation. It helps with the loneliness. Please keep in touch and keep me posted on how things turn out. I'm going to lose everything too - a very promising career consulting in the construction business. You are not alone.

Here's the long post, decided to separate it from the above for those who'd prefer to not have to read a wall of text.

So, I managed to walk to the grocery store and back. Bought enough food to get me through today & tomorrow at least.

My situation is very, um, basic. I have no car. I have little to no money on hand. I am in debt so no real equity anywhere. I am 44 am about to start things completely over.

Don't get me wrong. Tomorrow morning I'll be on the phone looking to hire an attorney and will try to create the best outcome possible. But on the way back I decided to run through an exercise of worst case scenario so I can start understanding what actions I need to take.

If I am not able to afford an attorney and I end up facing the judge alone I am anticipating that the book will get thrown at me given my BAC and the wreck. I clearly demonstrated myself to be a threat to others and I doubt the court takes that lightly...especially with a pattern of habitual offense.

The book, in this case, would be something like a year in jail and at least $18k in direct fines plus probably another $2k-$3k in costs.

If so, I lose everything. My job, house, etc.

I am trying to figure out the automobile thing. I expect to receive a notice in the mail that my license will be suspended in the next 10 days. So even if I did buy a beater car or something I would only have the driving privilege for a couple weeks. Given my scarcity of resources at the moment and the length of jail time I may be facing that doesn't seem to be good use of what I do have.

So, I'm skeptical that I'll be returning to work (I commute 1 hour.) Which means this week's check will likely be my last.

I have some outstanding fees owed to me from a few consulting gigs - as much as $5k-$6k, which I desperately need to get my hands on. I'm fearful though that it will be a pain to get the money. The guy running the consulting firm is a real me me me hardass and I'm definitely going to be putting him in a bad spot when I have to cancel several upcoming engagements with clients indefinitely. Not looking forward to this conversation - but hey, maybe I'll be surprised and he'll play it straight. If he doesn't I'm not going to have money for an attorney.

With all that said, my court date is March 22nd. Which - worst case w/o attorney - means I'd be taken into custody on that date. Regardless of how long I'm in there's a few things I have 25 days to prepare for.

I think I have enough money to at least feed myself until the 22nd. I'll want to put a couple hundred bucks in my pocket for the day I get out so that I'm not totally broke on day 1 of rebuilding.

I need to get my house as clean as I can and start the process of selling it. Even if I can swing an attorney I suspect that a lot of money is going to go toward this affair. I had only recently gotten myself to the point of recovering from some stupid financial behavior and am in a considerable amount of debt... not to mention I just totaled a vehicle that I still owe upwards of 12-15k on and I'm highly skeptical insurance will help with that. So, likely bankruptcy at some point. Probably after I get out so that whatever job I get I can at least focus on meeting my legal obligations.

Thank you for this. Needed it greatly.

Thank you. And as others below pointed out - a thought that I've been having a lot since yesterday is the need for me to put sobriety front and center in my life. To give it the attention it requires and to do it without apology or real consideration for what others may or may not think.

I have already grown very tired of living my life searching for validation from others. Even when I'd quit for 2 years '04-'06 (which, I would add, were the most productive years of my life - materially & relationship) I never really put it at the center - at least, not after the first 6 months or so. I never really addressed some of the underlying issues and I never reached out for help.

Ironically, I recently started to become fully aware that the idea of material wealth is relative. That without defining my own values and the lifestyle I really want to live all I was doing was chasing an arbitrary number driven my image and the extent that my possessions own me. I was very tired of all that. I'd started working this year to do something - and while that plan would certainly have been preferable to the circumstances I face now I do acknowledge that the band aid has just been ripped off. So there's light at the end of the tunnel. For now I need to make sure I prepare though for the storm.

Welcome, Buck!

I'm sorry for your situation, but glad you are safe.

Focusing on the basics and staying sober sounds like a good plan. It will help you to not be overwhelmed.

Where are you?
 

There are court appointed attorneys and legal aid societies in US. You pay nothing for their services but consequently they don't necessarily treat you as a priority. But they are available, some are great. I don't know about other countries, I have lived in a few but I was not an alcoholic then. I am not qualified to give you legal advice but you should look into what could help you where you are, and not ruin you. It is an uphill battle because we are treated as criminals and potential kid killers (drunk driver). Go on line and make some calls.

Thanks. Yes, tomorrow this will be priority #1.

If I can find an attorney that extends the timeline on this I may be able to keep working a bit longer which would enable me to pay for a decent attorney. Though I hope they are honest about my prospects b/c I don’t want to delay the inevitable longer than necessary.

When is your court date? Seems to me that the waiting and uncertainty are the toughest part. We can start rebuilding but it’s impossible to do until the date so we just have to wait and not drive ourselves nuts in the meantime.

Keep sober at all costs. You can and will get through and everything will turn out ok as long as you stay sober and stick tight to AA/recovery and live and breathe it. There are members who are living proof!

Buckley
 

I don't know when my court date is. It was moved around. I had a court appointed lawyer that turned out to fresh out of law school. Then I got a friend but he was busted for giving a suboxone strip to an inmate at the courthouse. I never knew that about him. Good grief kiddo, survive the jail if you must, but tell them you are healthy because otherwise they will toss you into detox with no meds. Pretend you are sane.

And really, lots of hugs and prayers coming your way. As Yogi Bear said, it will all be good in the end. If it is not good, it is not the end (yet).

That sense of relief you feel. It's genuine. The end of a freefall. You have found the bottom. Only one direction to go from there.

The good news is that you aren't unique. I'm like you and I've known hundreds and hundreds like you in my years in recovery. Know what? Many of us use our experience to create amazing and productive lives.

While I wouldn't have chosen alcoholism or the ravages it exacted, there is no doubt that rising from the ashes has given me gifts that I would not have if not for the experience.

We are the result of every experience and every choice we made in life. We get a clean slate every day. The most important lesson that AA has taught me is the cumulative effect of many, many, many tiny steps. Yes, you will have some consequences for sure, but they could have been quadroplegia or living with the knowledge that you killed a family.

If you decide that from this day forward, you live in total honesty, I mean TOTAL honesty, to self and others, you will begin to appreciate life in a very new way.

Go in peace...

Warren

Thank you. I sent you a message btw about where I am - I was born in Virginia but am now in Wisconsin and I included something about that too. Let me know if you prefer I keep the comms here.

In other news - some raging anxiety going on. I'm really starting to come out of shock and numbness and starting to feel things. I'm not a very patient person by nature. And I'm king procrastinator. So the pressure of thinking about what I've got to get done and the significant obstacles to some of that have me overwhelmed as hell.

Just gotta keep reminding myself that I can only control what I can control. I've started a simple plan, here it is:

1. Absolute sobriety.
2. In addition to #1 do 2 things a day - regardless of how I'm feeling - that will move things forward.
3. Ride everything else out and remind myself that I can't really control it all.

Plan for tomorrow:

1. Find an attorney and get some consultation.
2. Write an email to my boss letting him know I'll be out of the office for a couple or three days.

This morning I was of the mindset that I needed to dump all the details out to my boss. But as the day progressed it dawned on me that I need get an attorney and start forming an understanding of what this road is going to look like.

The two most advantageous things that can happen - that can provide the most flexibility for my situation - would be 1.) a delay of any sort with the March 22nd court date and 2.) a successful petition to keep my driving privileges for until the court date instead of the 10 day notice I'm about to receive.

Buying myself even a few weeks at this point could let me work a few more weeks and collect on some of the fees that are outstanding. That could mean 6k-10k which would make me feel a whole lot better about my situation (even though I know the costs of this are going to be more than that.)

If the attorney thinks there's a good chance that can happen I think I have an option to get some wheels on the road to just let me work for a couple of weeks or so.

Otherwise things are so tight right now that it just doesn't make sense to me to get a car going if I'm just going to turn around and go to jail for an extended period of time (months) in 3 weeks. If that's the more likely scenario then I'm better off conserving everything I have. I'm going to need it.

The other thing kicking my ass is that if I do go away for months - what is going to happen to my house? I have no idea how I can get it sold and/or go through a bankruptcy proceeding with no money and being locked up.

Guess I can't really control that right now.

Thanks for letting me ramble. Not looking for pity - just need to vent.

This is what a 3rd OWI looks like.

@warrens - Thank you. Very powerful post.

Yes, I do want to live in total honesty. When I think that or even type it I feel relief. If you don't mind or have the time and can share any of your story it would be appreciated - here or pm. If not I understand not a big deal. I'm feeling a need to hear from others that are facing things of a similar scale & circumstance. I guess to not feel so alone in it? Dunno.

Anyway, thanks again.

I've had this voice in my head along with the anxiety that has been suggesting that my real issue right now - the real source of all the chaos - is the accident and the jail time and the money and the lack of a car - not necessarily the booze. Like, it would be easier to just quit drinking if I didn't have all that stuff to deal with. How absurd is that? I mean - it's the same issue.

The truth is if this hadn't happened on Friday I'd still be just plodding long not really forced to deal with the procrastination or lack of energy - the having no clue what I really value in life thing. That same voice then says things like I'm not really going to change. That somehow I'll find a way to rationalize all this and when I get out from the immediate issues I'll just continue to live life without ever really dealing with how lost I've felt.

Enough rambling. Not looking for pity or solutions, just venting. It helps with the obsessing.

Yes, that voice. After my 2nd public DUI (I was a school principal in a small town), I stayed sober for a while. Then that voice suggested that perhaps I wasn't an alcoholic, that perhaps I was merely stupid. Perhaps I needed to drink more skillfully. Thus commenced three years of VERY painful "controlled" drinking, and then, the death spiral.

I lost pretty much everything that I valued, including the love of my life. The pain was enormous. But not enough, it seemed. Until I sought help at age 64. Not many recover at that age, I'm told.

In Buddhist tradition (my path of choice), as well as other spiritual paths, "To die before we die" is often suggested as necessary for "enlightenment." It means to die to our identity (ies). The stories that we've crafted about ourselves that are complete bullsh*t... They must all go and it is scary as hell.

I am completely free with my "story," but I'd rather not write novellas.

Know this: That change is possible and change can be complete. The most significant brain research in the past 10-20 years shows that the brain is "plastic." Neuroplasticity is a "thing." We can train our mind to free itself of the delusions we have carefully crafted over the decades.

I know many people who, like myself, have risen from ashes to live lives of utter joy, serenity, and equanimity. It is there should you wish it.

Right now I suggest it is best to quit drinking because you wish to, because it is the most important thing in life right now. I say this because you will likely end up being monitored anyway, and it is easier to do what you want rather than what you are forced to do. It is best to own your recovery.

This disease we have doesn't negotiate. If we try and retain even a little bit of our old self, it will result in continued and utter chaos. I've known eight million people (including myself) who tried to challenge that truth and we all f'ing lost.

Some say surrender simply means joining the winning side. I dunno. I just know that I love peanuts. But, if I suddenly developed a peanut allergy that would kill me if I ate just one, I don't think I'd challenge it. And so, for me, I just can't drink alcohol. I don't even think about it and I'm often with people who drink. The kind of people who drink a glass of wine/month. I know, crazy.

It is what it is. For now... I know this: that within a year or two, that you can look back on this horrific time and, with complete sincerity, realize that it was the best thing that ever happened to you. Yeah, really. Because it caused you to connect with stuff you never knew existed. Except for the pain that I caused others, I wouldn't change things, as it resulted in a life that I never dreamed possible.

Peace,

Warren

Much appreciated. Your post brought me some calm.

So much I could say - so many thoughts. But I'll keep them to myself. Call it part of the process of validating myself rather than constantly looking for the validation of others.

I will say this... I want change. Complete overhaul. As messy as all this is I didn't kill or maim anyone and I didn't kill or maim myself. So no matter what happens in the next few months I have all I need to be able to live a life with some as yet to be defined purpose.

Sobriety is the doorway for that to remain possible. If I choose otherwise I'm simply committing suicide.

Thanks again man. Please do keep in touch when you are able.

Within Buddhism is the parable of the second arrow. It is said the Buddha taught that the first arrow is the one we cannot control, it is the misfortune that befalls us. While painful, it is the second arrow that causes the most damage-the second arrow being our reaction to the first. Here we do have a choice, and we alcoholics are all too familiar with making the wrong one. We drink and the gods of chaos rain down upon us.

It will be important in the months ahead not to react. Create space between action and reaction. Learn to *respond*rather than reacting. Anger and resentment are deadly. Stay in the now, in the real, and not story.

Peace,

Warren

Welcome to SR Buckley :)

D

Thanks Dee.

Woke up early, drenched in sweat. I managed to get about 6 hours of sleep though. Felt rested but fatigue is setting in again.

Caught myself struggling with the question of how hard I should fight to hang on to my career - if only for a short period of time. Other option that I flip flop on was just admitting to myself that I need/ want complete change and I may as well just give in and let it all go.

A friend on another board helped me by pointing out that right now I shouldn't worry about changing anything not directly related to my sobriety. I think that's good advice so I'm going to take the approach that I need to do whatever at this point to help me navigate the immediate future soberly and as advantageously as possible.

I can't really expect that any type of complete change is a short term thing. And the truth is a lot of these decisions may be out of my control anyway. I'm just kinda wary of letting myself hang onto or slip back into old patterns of thinking that landed me where I am in the first place. Not sure I can control even that right now.

I'll take what I can get for now. And I need to keep practicing letting go of what I can't control. It doesn't come naturally to me.

I have so many thoughts that I'm finding I don't trust. Makes it a bit difficult to really trust my decision making process right now.

Can't wait to talk to an attorney today.

I hope it's not inappropriate that I'm rambling so much and being so transparent about my situation here. I mean, I think that's what it's for right? Is it too much? Argh. Gotta slow my head down, let go, breathe, etc.