Thank you, though it was definitely out of desperation than anything.

I hit bottom emotionally yesterday morning. Were it not for the help of my friend I'm certain I would have been a mess all day and likely not been able to function. Made everything else possible.

Every obstacle to cross has a bunch of obstacles. Found a possible car? How do I get there to get it? How do I get it to DMV to title it? Should I try to work with my lender on my upside down loan on my totaled vehicle to finance it or do I bite the bullet, pay cash and put a serious pinch on the resources I have immediately available?

Gotta stay focused and take things one at a time.

Primary goals to keep in front of me at all times:

1. Stay sober. Duh.

2. Find housing and transportation option that will allow me to continue working thus continue bringing money in the door.

3. Work with my attorney to get the best possible outcome on the final verdict.

All of my daily must do's - which I'm trying to limit to 2-3 so I don't collapse in a heap of self pity and anxiety - have to stay focused on those three things for the foreseeable future.

Today's plan-

1. Be sober. (Possible AA & initiate getting into a treatment program)
2. Meet adjuster & talk with lender about the status of my upside down loan, get my personal possessions out of the car, and find out from lender if they'd even consider rolling the upside down portion of my loan into a new loan to finance a cheap car.
3. Talk with my attorney to a.) make sure he gets paid and starts working, b.) start understanding the timeline of upcoming events better

Also need to contact the clerk of court from my '96 conviction to request documents & transcripts. This is where my attorney will likely make his strongest attack. We can use whatever time it takes to get the documents to extend things.

Extending things is going to be a common theme for awhile. It's not procrastination in this case - rather it's buying time to provide the most flexibility and preparation possible. Trust me, once I can get to a place where I have my most basic of goals met (see above) I'll be eager to get the final verdict and take my medicine.

Tired. Going back to bed.

On sobriety -

So, a thought I've had in the last blur of days/hours is something about values and how I think it relates to my issues with staying sober.

For a long time I thought I was struggling to know what I value. I now understand that's not true at all. My values have always been there for everyone, including me, to see. Values are reflected in my behavior. In a sense, my behaviors are my values. They are always there. And for a long time what I've valued has been drunkenness, irresponsibility, ungratefulness, and selfishness. I've had to develop mechanisms and rationalizations to hide my behaviors from myself and others. And it all finally caught up to me.

I knew it was coming. Thought about it often. I knew I was just one mistake away from significant problems for a long long time. It was eating me from the inside out.

Thing is. Those aren't the values I want to define me. I knew that too I just never did anything about it. I am capable of so much more and I know it - have known it. My behavior has never reflected what I know I have deep inside of me and what I want to be. I am an intelligent, witty, fun, laid back and highly effective person. I've just been living out of line with those values and I've been running from the responsibility required to be compassionate and grateful.

I now understand that sense of relief I spoke of that comes and goes is tied to this. I am relieved that I don't have to live that lie anymore. That some higher power finally broke me to the point where my immediate requirements to live provide no room for any of that.

I can only hope to move on through this with a different manner of being and behavior, and to sustain it to the best of my ability. I am committed to living with values of compassion, gratitude, productivity, and effectiveness. There likely is no finish line. Things won't happen over night. But day by day I hope to remain aware and strive to embody that as best as I am able. I can not do it alone. I need friends, a woman, and foremost a higher power.

This is, as best I can determine in the moment, where the center of my issues with sobriety exist. It's where I'll have to engage the most to make this last once the immediacy of the situation wears off.

Your work should have a medical leave assistance... read about the family and medical leave act (FMLA). Also, some companies have Employee Assistance Programs that will get you connected with lawyers, therapists, rehabs, etc...

You need to be ok with you
 

When I was in rehab I was told that I should not date for a year. Until things got normal. But the desire is perfectly natural and there is something to be said for the human touch, and mental health, talking to someone that is soothing and understands. Do not despair. I got through jail and the first thing my cell mates (when I got to that point) said was "you are not the kind of person that should be in jail". Guess what, I lived it and there were some lowest lows but also some highest hi fives. Now my life is in ashes but ok, I put it there. Dust off and move on.

Yes that was a mistake I made the when I was booze free from '04-'06. I got into a relationship at the 6 month without booze point. Everyone told me not to, but I did it anyway. A couple years later I'd already started drinking again toward the end of the relationship very occasionally and without incident. But as soon as we broke up - it was quite painful - is when the wheels fell off and this downhill slide that landed me here really began.

This time around no way. My statement earlier was envisioning what I want in life after I deal with what I have in front of me. And I know it's going to take a year or three to mostly get through the consequences of my actions.

Great thank you. I will read up on FMLA. I did request a copy of our insurance from HR yesterday regarding alcohol and addiction therapy and received the an EAP. I'll have to look at it in more detail. Hopefully it will help cover the cost of the treatment I need to get enrolled in.

I have used the EAP heavily during my employment... from divorce lawyer to marriage counseling to drug/dual diagnosis counselors. It is a very helpful resources. They do not cover the rehab tho, that is your insurance. So look at the FMLA which should cover you keeping your job while you go to rehab and thus keep your insurance thru your employer. They may terminate you afterwards, but not during the leave (believe that is how it works).

Good luck with it all.

So, I just returned home after my first ever AA meeting. What a powerful experience.

Someone was kind enough to give me a ride home too. Bonus. Right now the small things mean a lot.

Got to my car and retrieved my possessions. It's the cliche "I'm lucky to be alive" thing. Insurance guy said he's been doing it 20 years and that the only reason I'm not in the hospital or dead is because I passed out and wasn't tensed up when I hit the pole. I have to agree with him. I couldn't really understand while looking at it how I'm not broken to bits. Thank God for some engineers somewhere and for airbags.

Some other good news. Spoke with my attorney and received the following understanding:

1. The refusal means I will have my license revoked 30 days from the time I lose the administrative hearing - which will likely be this coming Monday. That's good news because it means I can use the offer of a company truck from my job to keep working and it buys me time to figure out how to get wheels. More time = more options. I'll be able to get an occupational right away. So as long as I can figure out how to get some wheels and insurance I'll be able to keep working at least until the shoe drops.

2.) Speaking of the shoe. I also learned that I'm likely looking at sentencing mid July to mid August. At least knowing that I can get prepared and make a plan.

3.) There's no problem with me selling my house and moving closer to work. And my attorney said it won't be a problem getting my jail sentence moved when the time comes. (Assuming his attempts at getting this knocked down don't work - which is how I intend to prepare. If a miracle happens great but I'm not banking on it.)

I was planning on selling my house anyway but - guess what - had been procrastinating. It will significantly reduce my expenses too which I'm going to need for the next few years.

So, I'm able to put a plan together and I'm at least able to see a path where I'm able to work damn near continuously throughout the process. Given the circumstances and the what-could-have-been I'll take it all day long.

I'm so glad to hear you working on a plan for how to keep your job, sell your house, and basically manage your life. You sound motivated and positive. :)

Staying in the present moment is a good plan...

Your life is changing at a very rapid pace right now. Long overdue, I suspect.

Step #1...we admitted we were powerless over alcohol; that our lives had become unmanageable.

Actually two steps here... Best, I think, to really meditate on this first step and not try to speed through it like I did the first time in recovery. In my experience, relapses occur to those who do not fully comprehend what acceptance is and just how unmanageable their life has become, especially when one is a "high functioning" alcoholic (which is a bunch of crap).

Your ego will not give up easily. Know that. He may be hiding in the bushes until the smoke clears, but he will be back. That's OK. Awareness is everything. I never think about taking a drink, but old ways of thinking arise every day. I've become adept at spotting these old ways and find great amusement in them. "Aha!" I will say with a laugh. "I know who you are!"

Thus far you seem to be making the best of a horrendous situation, one that can become, in time, the best thing that ever happened. I don't sense victimhood, I don't sense "If only" mind, I do sense a willingness to "own" it and accept the consequences without dwelling on their fairness. You will soon encounter the "DUI industry," which lines the pockets of everyone, from towing companies, to jailers, to counselors, to probation officers, attorneys, judges, and treatment facilities. While it is easy to get angry, the fact is, the vast majority of people never come into contact with them.

The only thing you will have to change is everything. Best to realize that, best not to resist, the road rash will be severe.

Joy,

warren

Thanks warrens and Anna.

Just sorted out a ride to work tomorrow. I think that’s the last of the most immediate issues I needed to square or at least get initiated. Will certainly be good to do what I need to avoid getting canned. Will probably be a good means to get back as close to normalcy as can be done.

That said I’m aware it’s also a significant step up in freedom and flexibility which means my AV will be more active. Not too concerned, just going to keep eyes open.

Hoping to initiate a more long term solution for wheels tonight.

Will start process of cleaning and prepping house for putting on market this weekend. Need to think through that but get to it.

Also initiated the county required treatment assessment proactively. Both to demonstrate I’m all in for the court but also genuinely interested in getting into a program. Work insurance will cover most of the fees.

So yea, once I get the wheels situation then at least I’ll largely have the “need to do this but I don’t have that and how am I going to get there” situations behind me.

From there it’s a waiting game, work on the house and prepare to move process.

More updates. I never did get rest. Ended up doing more.

Got my proactive treatment thing scheduled.

Got a ride to work tomorrow.

And had a long conversation with my mother. First I've been able to let her know what's going on. She's in her 70s. Our relationship has been complicated over the years and she's had plenty of hardship. But of late she's been more at peace than I've ever seen her.

I was worried she would get really uptight about the whole thing but she was amazingly laid back and encouraging.

More than that without hesitation she's going to title an old car she has over to me for $1 until I can repay her. It's a low mileage car - if a bit aged. Best thing in the world I could have hoped for.

We hadn't talked in about 6 weeks. It's another relationship I've taken for granted. But I'll be damned if when needed she wasn't right there with me.

I hope I've not come off as drama llama. I know that recent events - the way people are stepping up and helping, etc. - may leave an impression that I was all worry and not really being real about how desperate things looked. And maybe I was being a bit of mr. worst case. But it legit looked that way. Or at the very least if I hadn't swallowed my damn pride and let people in none of the support I'm receiving would have happened. And that's not an easy thing for me. I'm very independent and strong minded. Stubborn as hell too.

It's been a good day all things considered. Back to work tomorrow.

Stay tuned. Sending positive vibes to my lawyer so he finds some crazy amazing loophole that helps out even more. Not looking to evade responsibility - but anything I can do to move things forward in my life in the most constructive way possible so be it.

So, getting the lawyer paid is turning out to be a less than dignified experience. I sense that my friend’s initial offer was a heat of the moment thing and now the check is due and it has him stressed. Makes me feel awful.

I’ve just had a chance to project the financial picture of this in the last few hours. It’s taken two days of intense action to simply understand all the variables flying at me to be able to do so - car where and how much, fees due for what when, what window of time is that money due. Treatment costs, repair costs on the vehicle I’m getting (grateful for the $1 dollar title but will still likely take 1k - 1.5k to get running), phone, anticipated insurance cost to have car on road in time for occupational permit. This is exactly what warrens pointed out and it’s just the start.

Worst part is the timing. I’d actually been sitting fairly well until last Monday when I spent 1100 to get repairs done on the now totaled car and another 3-4K to pay down a bit of debt. Combine that with outstanding fees owed to me but zero time to wait for them and it’s - surprise - a bad situation.

I am embarrassed mostly. Hate the idea that I’ve created this. And not just b/c the accident. The accident is simply the straw that broke the results of being fiscally disorganized because booze.

So, I did what I could and asked the consulting firm to process the commissions in advance. Tried to ask attorney to pay 40% tomorrow and balance by March 22nd to try to bear the burden on my own and not have my friend feel obligated to front me the 60%. Attorney said no, understandably. He’s already doing this at a significant good buddy discount.

The situation - combined with the other pressures - wrecked my head for the last couple hours. Of course the AV joined in. And whatever re- ignition of faith in a higher power came squarely under attack too.

All old patterns of thinking. By old I mean 72 hours ish ago before my roosters came home to roost.

I think my friend is going to be ok in the long run. I’ll add him to the list of peeps I make amends to when I get to step 4. He did tell me he needed the payback by May. I’ll be able to square it by March 28th.

In fact, remarkably I’ll be in ok shape April 1st even after the initial bills assuming I can call in the payments due to me.

No pity. I own all this. Just venting. To give you a sense of the immediate financial impact - $6-$8k in total costs all due within about 4-5 days of the incident to keep me from going to jail on March 22nd and able to work. And that’s a bargain. The higher priced attorneys I spoke with wanted as much as $13k. And I’m getting by cheap on the vehicle arrangement.

All makes me feel like some sort of damn hustler scam artist. Shuck and jive shuck and jive. Blech.

And that’s just the beginning. I suspect there’s another $10-$15k coming by the end of summer/ early fall.

Just don’t drink peeps and you never have to worry bout that.

O yea, minor detail - in order to make that work the only payments I’ll make for bills in March will be my phone and internet. Mortgage? Nope. But that’s part of the strategy at this point. I’m really not planning on paying another mortgage payment and instead planning to have my house on the market and sold in 90 days ish.

My finances are going to be a wreck this year. But I’m grateful to have the ability to at least keep earning well and weather the storm better than many others probably could. I say that with complete humility... I am very fortunate to have the ability I do and to have the favors. I can’t imagine what it must be like for peeps that don’t. Actually I guess I can... they go under-represented in a very short timeframe and go to jail, then come out with next to nothing and rebuild from zip zero scratch.

I feel a bit like Tweek from South Park at the moment.

Day 3 sober done. One day closer. I will not drink tomorrow.

Warren my man, you are one wise soul. Thank you.

I picked these two to comment on to keep it from becoming another epic for people that actually want to read all this.

Functional drunk - next time anyone hears this pile of lies feel free to send them my way. I’ve a few stories about what that really means.

Road rash severity - well, I’ve always been an all or nothing sort. So I may as well just strip off all my sk8n in one big swoop and get it over with.:lmao

Gets to a point where I just have to laugh a bit.

-B

Hi Buckley, I have been following your story. I am on Day 3 myself after hitting rock bottom. I have been using this forum to keep myself sane as I detox at home alone.

My situation isn't as serious as yours, but I am in dire circumstances. Mounting debts and and being unable to find gainful employment have me behind the 8 ball. I have spent every dollar I have ever earned in pursuit of pleasure, usually related to drinking in some way. My family are the only reason I am not living under a bridge. I have lost everything. I have no credit from an earlier bankruptcy. I lost my car years ago after a DUI. I don't even have clothes. I got evicted last year and just basically walked out with a suitcase and left 80 percent of my stuff behind. I was drunk and couldn't be bothered packing up and finding a way to move the stuff. I have isolated myself to the point where there is no one I could call for help. 5 years ago, I could have called on many friends. Not now.

I have reached that moment of surrender like you. I am 41 and worse off than I have ever been. 24 year old me would cry if he knew where I am now. I drank myself out of many jobs. I can't pass a background check which has me chronically unemployed for the last decade.
The jobs I can get, are usually in sales, where they don't do background checks. They can fire you anytime if you don't produce, but my drinking always derails me first.

Anyway, I just wanted to offer some encouragement. I just started my own overhaul of life. I am not facing jail time, but I feel like I have been in prison for the last 5 years anyway. Solitary confinement in my own apartment. I have had very little contact with anyone I know in that time. No visitors besides my father a couple times a year. A prison where I can come and go freely, but really have no where to go besides a bar or liqour store. Of course, this is my life when I am actively drinking. Sober and going to AA, I managed 6 months sober and met many people, started working again. One drink one night ruined all if it.

This is my 3rd serious attempt at sobriety. Let's do this!

PS- I know laws differ all over the place. I have 1 DUI. I got an automatic 1 year suspension starting from the day I was busted. No exceptions. I am shocked they still let you drive and it's your 3rd. You are talking about a new car and such. I think here in Ontario, you would be banned for 5 years at least from driving in any capacity. No exceptions for work. Have you looked in to the penalties close enough? I just can't believe they are still going to let you drive for work.

Hey, thanks for taking your time to read some of this wall of text I've been building. I've seen some of your latest posts too and am glad you are making this run. Yes, let's do this.

I picked out the above to share a couple of thoughts.

Pretty sure that any of us that are alcoholics are all in the same boat in terms of dire circumstances and seriousness. It's going to kill all of us - and do a lot of damage to others on the way. For some of us that might take years, for others it may happen all in one night. But there's no real difference in outcome.

Really wanted to point out that second part though. I'm sure this isn't lost on you, but as I hope you see the connection. Please, for yourself, just don't drink so that you at least give yourself a chance. You do have hope - you just wrote about how your life started improving - there's nothing that is irreversible about your situation. But it's only possible if you don't drink.

And thanks but yes, I have counsel and have done some research. I have a pretty good feel for what the penalties are.

Ironically I'm pretty sure I am banned from traveling to Canada b/c of my DUI record. Which was something I never knew until lately.

Starting day 4.

Back to work. My ride arrives in 90 minutes. I couldn't fall asleep and then woke up about 3:30. Again, drenched in sweat.

I haven't been talking much about my physical condition - largely I've been ignoring it. The bruising and cuts on my elbows and knees I think have peaked in intensity - thankfully the swelling in my knees has gone down. My ribs though - very sharp pain at times. Reached it's peak last night. Manageable with nsaids. Got a runny nose and went through a sneezing spell last night - not fun with bruised ribs. I'm kinda chuckling about it to myself only in the spirit of how absurd the situation is.

It's going to be a very intense day - but I'll take it. I'm grateful to return to work and have some long periods where I can get my mind off things and actually think and invest my energy into something - anything - other than where I've been the last couple days. It'll be taxing though. I'm leading two separate 3 hour team meetings, one in the morning, one in the afternoon. It'll be difficult to stand and lead and facilitate with confidence but I'll manage.

What's interesting is that in order to manage the confidence I need to project I'm realizing that - with how I feel about things right now - I'm going to tweak my leadership style a bit. I can guarantee I'll be more humble and listen more to what my teams are dealing with. It's evidence to me that this process I'm going through - both the difficulty and the brief time I've spent starting to study the 12 steps - is already starting to change me. I know it all won't happen overnight. But it gives me hope that I'm going to emerge on the other end of this much more in line with the values I want to live by.

I'm not to worried about facing people. I plan to tell people I was in a bad accident and that's it. I practiced last night saying "I hope you understand but I prefer not to revisit the details right now." That should be enough. Regardless of what I am responsible for I am not obligated to share my circumstances or thoughts with everyone and anyone. People can think what they want to. I don't care. The people that genuinely care about me & know me I'll have no issue with.

Meeting the attorney at noon to ink the deal and pay 40%. I'm grateful for the sacrifice my friend is making to cover the other 60%. I will not let him down.

Quick thought on my house. I dawned on my that at this point I don't really even need to have it sold to make the move. As long as I can get it to the point that it's cleaned up as good as I can do and on the market I can just go ahead and get a rental close to work. I'm going to try to make everything work and meet all my financial obligations through this, but I have to prioritize. If that means I end up having to let my mortgage slide until the house sells so be it. And that will certainly free up resources to deal with other stuff.

Worst case I come though the other side and declare bankruptcy. I don't think that's going to be necessary though. I may end up with my credit screwed up (already kinda is) and a small mountain of debt but once I get to the other side of this I'll be able to deal with all that.

As long as I'm sober when I get through this I know I'm going to be more focused, productive, and capable than I've ever been. If I was able to achieve the level I reached when I was a drunk - I shudder to think what I'll be able to do when I'm not. So, just gotta get through the best I can. Hm, maybe I'll add a 4th goal to my big 3 - avoid bankruptcy. Seems legit.

So yea, I'm going on financial lock down starting today. Every penny counts now. Which means - tada - I will want to quit smoking as soon as I can muster the energy. I've done it before - 2 cold turkey quits in fact. One for a year and a half when I wasn't drinking booze for 2 years and another time for 6 months. So I know what it's all about. It's the first three days.

Would save me substantial money - not to mention my health.

Bet you guys can't wait to see the walls of text I write when I'm freaking out on nicotine withdrawl.

I know what advice is coming - don't worry about smokes until your solid in sobriety. Sound advice. I probably won't take it though. I need to milk this motivation period for all it's worth so that when life returns to some sense of normalcy I'm as squared away and chemical free as I can be to sustain. Smoking is a massive drag on my self image.. not to mention other things.

Also, I've been thinking I'd rather go through the withdrawl when I can doctor myself vs. doing it in jail.

Gotta run. I can do this. I'm going to be wiped out when I get home - hopefully that means I'll sleep good tonight.

My plan for today:

1. Don't drink - find time at lunch hour to read chapter 1 of the big book.
2. Run meetings, check in with boss and give update.
3. Pay attorney.
4. Grab a few groceries on way home.

When I get home I'm going to - as someone around here beautifully put it - shower the day off and then crawl in bed and log into SR I don't care if it's 6 o'clock.

O yea - I saw a youtube vid by an excellent speaker describing the state of affairs of AA - basically offered the theory that the first 25 years success rate vs. the last 25 years is night and day. He proposes that it's because a lot of meetings have drifted from the original vision and from focusing on the big book. Was good to view... makes me realize I need to make sure I'm focusing on the big book regardless of how the meetings are conducted. There's a lot more to this but I've written enough for now.

I will not drink today.

-B

I think I missed the post about your legal consultation. Strange how different rules can be regarding impaired driving as you cross borders, state and provincial borders too. My DUI was perhaps the first real consequence I experienced as a result of my drinking. It happened 12 years ago and I look back on it as the first sign that my drinking had crossed a line from problem drinker to alcoholic. The first thing I did after I was realeased from custody the next morning was fix myself a drink. It was all downhill from there....

I know what the end result is. By 'serious', I was just referring to the immediate consequences and your legal issues. I had a close brush with death myself last year while I was intoxicated. I was within a few minutes of dying from hypothermia after falling into Toronto harbour (Lake Ontario) in February. I was pulled out by firefighters after some good samaritans heard my cries for help. If they wern't walking by at that moment, I'd be dead. Very lucky.

All good friend. Let's do this. Seriously, for us right now it's all about just stringing one day after another. We need to let the world do it's own spinning. Do you have a plan for the day?

As for the past - screw it. Turn your back on it and move forward.

I am impressed at how organized and determined you are! Occupying your mind with all of these details must help keep your mind off the withdrawal - yes? Keep going Buckley. I hope your work goes well today.