;)

Started 2018 off by shouting & screaming at my husband. I'm not the shouting type but I'd had enough :(

We only got back from being away last night, first full day in the house since Christmas Day. He's stressing around, having a go at us all for not tidying up - we have neighbours coming round later, visitors always send him into overdrive.

I ended up screaming and shouting In front of our young girls, I feel terrible. He said the mess gets him anxious, but then his behaviour is so over the top. I actually told him to get out, I'd had enough. It stopped him in his tracks for a bit but he is off again now.

I think I actually mean it, I want him to get out, I can't deal with the stress of it all. I'm drinking tea & eating chocolate to try to calm down despite a house full of booze as usual.

Apologies for the New Year downer....

Hugs. You know, maybe that's just him. What about you and the girls going off for a walk / play in the park while he has he tidying up frenzy. It'll give you a timeout from each other, you and the girls some quality time together, and when you get back it'll be nice and tidy and you can both relax with your guests.

BB xx

Thanks BB. I'm going to take the youngest out to tesco (she enjoys it, strange girl!) I'm off to stock up on soft drinks for me and the kids today.

My husband has some issues with anxiety, he will be going back to his GP. I appreciate people don't stay the same in a marriage but this change is startling and too much for me to cope with. I'm feeling strong in my sobriety but too much of this is dangerous so early on.

Thanks.

Is Tesco open?? Oooo.
Might go get some healthy snackage. My essay is going VERY slowly today.

BB x

It is indeed!! :) Good luck with the essay! Xx

Thanks. Got brain drain. X

I used to be the one who would stress out about mess, particularly before company came over, so I sort of understand your husband's issue.

I'd start stressing out over what was messy, how it was messy, how much time it would take to make it unmessy, and how nobody else cleaned the way I liked it done, etc., etc.

My tapes would tell me I was the only one who could clean it all up. Before I knew it, I'd be telling myself no one else cares, I'm the only one who cares whether the place is clean, I can't do it all by myself, why doesn't anybody else care the way I do, what's wrong with them, they are inconsiderate, this is horrible, etc., etc.

Downward spiral into crazy town.

What would have helped me out of it (in addition to working on the interior tapes)? Perhaps if my partner saw the behavior happening and they asked me the question: are you alright?

Assuming I felt safe enough to say, no, I'm feeling stressed out and here's why, if my partner could bring rationality (and compassion) to my distress by saying things like, "It's going to be okay, we will help you clean, you don't have to do it all by yourself, let go of perfection" I believe the crazy interior dialog would loosen it's grip.

I think such an interaction might be helpful.

Of course, this is all largely theoretical. Sometimes the best thing for me is to walk away and take a breather.

In the end, you cannot change your spouse and your spouse needs to learn acceptance of things as they are. You can only offer loving support, then detach from the results. Good luck and happy new year!

I hope I'm not going to be too controversial but could I offer an alternative view that might be worth considering JJ?

Your husband is suffering from anxiety, that manifests itself in emotional outbursts around getting the house tidy (especially when people come round). I'm sure he hates getting anxious and moody as it is no fun to be like that?

You are suffering from alcohol addiction - a different affliction, which is also terrible to live with.

Could it be that you both need to support each other a far deal more with what you are respectively suffering from? Maybe he shouldn't stock the house with so much booze knowing that you are trying so hard to be sober and perhaps you could then be a little more forgiving of his mood swings caused by anxiety?

Obviously I am only working on headline details that have been supplied (so I could be talking nonsense and this thing is by no means evenly balanced?) but I just reflected that none of us are perfect and perhaps this needs to be front and centre of considerations?

Regards,

JT

Carpathia, I think it is pretty much as you describe, and it is definitely a downward spiral to crazy town :( I do ask if he is ok, I try to help, but it seems to have gone so far that it is difficult to bring things back. It is also hard to get time to talk with 2 kids but we will have to try. I really am not the sort of person who shouts, I try to be supportive but I'm struggling with so many issues of my own.

JT, I am far from perfect!! :) Sadly I suffer from anxiety too, a lot of it caused by home stuff (& probably alcohol in the past). This makes it hard for me. It's odd, I know how horrible he must be feeling but I just can't always deal with it. He is going back to his GP soon to discuss it again. I've been forgiving of his moods for such a long time now, I'm struggling.

I'll re read this when I'm more level again & see what I can do (I appreciate I'm in defensive mode right now!)

:thanks

Hi JJ - It's hard of you have anxiety too. His anxiety causes your anxiety - arghh nightmare.

I'm not qualified to even begin to think of other ideas that might help.

I hope your husbands doctor visit alleviates some of the pressure?

Regards,

JT

It's so hard when husband still drinks
Mine does too--but I've learned to compartmentalize his booze, his life.

I also put up with a lot of obnoxious behavior from him when he was drinking much heavier.

Now, he actually doesn't drink all that much and doesn't rub my nose in it,
and we're getting on much much better.

So there is hope, but be sure to protect yourself and realize your anxiety
will get better with more sober time and self-care.
Just don't give up sobriety, or let his actions cause you to relapse :grouphug:

Just chanced upon an article that might be interesting... The Marriage Courses

The full article about it is very positive. Depends if you're lucky and there's one near you I suppose x

Thanks JT & Hawkeye. He doesn't drink as much now, probably as I don't at all. He still overdoes it at times but I'm ok with it most of the time!

BB, there is a course in our city, thanks for the link....I'd need to pick my moment to broach that! I notice there are parenting courses....our oldest (only 7) is still awake...she drives us nuts at bedtime, can be a lot of our stresses. I think tonight is probably different though as she got so upset when I lost it earlier :( I feel terrible, poor thing.

I'm back at work tomorrow but just not tired despite it being nearly midnight. I've been doing a jigsaw & found myself thinking about wine & what would happen if I drank. Not a great idea but my mind goes there at times like this. :a043:

No way!! Awww, I'm a bit envious that you have a course near you.

I think it's easy to get in catch-22 with kids and stress and arguments. Oh well, they'll be back at school soon, in their routine and things will no doubt seem a bit calmer. Not that I'm looking forward to back-to-school, but my pupils always seem chuffed to be back, and it'll be good to feel the love and get more outward-looking.

Was it you that was thinking of starting a new course/career? If so, you have all that to look forward to as well.

BB