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I'm crying, it must be bad....

Old 12-25-2017, 12:37 PM
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I'm crying, it must be bad....

...the reason I say that is my dose of citalopram blunts my emotions & I only cry when things are REALLY bad.

I won't go into lots of detail but my husband isn't the man I married anymore. The laid back, fun person has all but gone & has been replaced by a pretty intolerant, grumpy and "stressy" person. I can identify with stress and anxiety but I have put lots of work in to feel better..including giving up alcohol.

He cooked today which was great, but drank beer & a bottle of wine so went for an almost 3 hour "nap". I was ok, having sober fun with our young girls, it was lovely to be 100% there for them. But when my husband got up he stressed about the mess & starting tidying and getting in a grump. It doesn't sound much but this is pretty much every day, the mess seems to totally stress him. We used to not care about it, both of us....I think other things are more important, tidying can wait until the end of the day.

This sounds so petty but it is difficult to explain & I wanted to keep it short!

Home stuff is pretty much the reason I am on anxiety medication. I also used to drink to block it out. It would be so easy to drink now, there is loads in the house. I won't do it, but it would be SO easy. I will NOT go back to day 1 after 91 days.....

Sorry for the Christmas downer
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Old 12-25-2017, 12:42 PM
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Drinking is the easiest thing to do. Being a better person and a better mom is a challenge, but it's worth it. Sadness comes and goes. You can surf the waves. They'll hit the beach and the calm will return. Breathe and love your kids. XO
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Old 12-25-2017, 12:47 PM
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Please dont be sorry about being a downer. It sounds tough and I'm glad you posted. It's really hard sharing space with someone behaving like your husband is just now......hungover after the booze and the monster nap perhaps?!

I'm on citalopram also. I find the key thing for me is just calming down. Breathing and making myself calm down. A quick meditation or some other time out might help. A bath? Or a lay down?

Please don't drink. You are doing amazingly well and it sounds like its husband that has the issue just now. Maybe tomorrow try and talk to him and resolve some of the things you've talked about in your post. But just now please look after yourself and post away if you need a rant or some support. Gabe x
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Old 12-25-2017, 12:48 PM
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You are doing so good JJ and are an inspiration to me. Stay strong.
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Old 12-25-2017, 12:54 PM
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Ok.. cry it out. Clean your face and focus on
positives.. your girls .. your sobriety ..
the strong woman you are for 90+ days !

We are here for each other...
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Old 12-25-2017, 01:30 PM
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Alcohol never seemed to fix anything in my experience, it simply made things worse with the extra special bonus prize of having to deal with a hangover the next day.

Christmas though can be a tough time of the year, raised emotions, families walking on egg shells at times, so it's ok to have to let it all out at times!!

Onwards to Day 92!!
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Old 12-25-2017, 01:30 PM
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I don't know. When I was in my first 6 months of sobriety I had moments where I could have waves of hopelessness over pretty much nothing. I was just raw emotionally I think. Just because it felt like a big deal and that my world was coming to an end at that time, it didn't mean it actually was all hopeless. Things did get better. I got better at dealing with life on life's terms (in particular other people not sharing my set of priorities).

And after all, not of us stay they same as we were when we met and got married. We change. And although I thought me and my partner were changing in ways that meant we were heading in different directions, actually things have resolved themselves and we are now a partnership again.

Are you getting support from anywhere for your recovery at the moment? If not if might be worth getting a recovery support network in place. Other mums and wives who've been through what you aregoing through and can offer you some of their hope when yours dwindles on the tough days.

Christmas is fraught with emotion and expectation. Mines been great but its still exausted me. Now ive had a good weep while watching 'Call the Midwife' I'm now emotionally spent and am heading for an early night with my new book. Am expecting a bit of an emotional hangover tomorrow as well (and yes, that is a thing). Ibuprofen and sparkling water at the ready.

Take care Chicka. Things are never so bad as they feel when we're tired and emotional. Things will get better, one way or another, as long as you stay sober.

Hugs and every blessing to you.

BB
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Old 12-25-2017, 01:47 PM
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Thanks for the replies, and so quick which was a godsend. I sat upstairs, did some breathing, went back downstairs, I am feeling a little better.

Gabe, I will try to talk to my husband tomorrow - he will be stuck in a car with me for hours on end, we are travelling to Scotland to see my family (is where I grew up). If the girls are distracted enough then we could maybe have a quiet chat but he usually gets defensive or inward looking. I sometimes wonder if he is depressed....

BB, I usually talk things through with a close friend but I didn't want to burden her on Christmas Day...sorry to do it to you guys instead!! I do so hope we can resolve things as you say BB, we've been together over 17 years, but this is taking its toll on me.

It is almost hot chocolate time for me so I know I'll be ok tonight. Thank you all so much.
Xx
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Old 12-25-2017, 01:49 PM
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Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
I don't know. When I was in my first 6 months of sobriety I had moments where I could have waves of hopelessness over pretty much nothing. I was just raw emotionally I think. Just because it felt like a big deal and that my world was coming to an end at that time, it didn't mean it actually was all hopeless. Things did get better. I got better at dealing with life on life's terms (in particular other people not sharing my set of priorities).

And after all, not of us stay they same as we were when we met and got married. We change. And although I thought me and my partner were changing in ways that meant we were heading in different directions, actually things have resolved themselves and we are now a partnership again.

Are you getting support from anywhere for your recovery at the moment? If not if might be worth getting a recovery support network in place. Other mums and wives who've been through what you aregoing through and can offer you some of their hope when yours dwindles on the tough days.

Christmas is fraught with emotion and expectation. Mines been great but its still exausted me. Now ive had a good weep while watching 'Call the Midwife' I'm now emotionally spent and am heading for an early night with my new book. Am expecting a bit of an emotional hangover tomorrow as well (and yes, that is a thing). Ibuprofen and sparkling water at the ready.

Take care Chicka. Things are never so bad as they feel when we're tired and emotional. Things will get better, one way or another, as long as you stay sober.

Hugs and every blessing to you.

BB
Wow! 90 days IS an inspiration! I’d suggest focusing on those little ones...not drinking today does matter and make a difference.
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Old 12-25-2017, 02:25 PM
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Congratulations on 91 days. That's a lot to deal with so early in recovery. The year of 1sts...first Christmas without booze...first New Years....Crying and posting was pretty much how I made it too. I think it's smart to take stock of your gains like you did with appreciating the time with your kids.
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Old 12-25-2017, 03:08 PM
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I agree its a lot to deal with at 90 JJ.
I think you did magnificently- congrats!

I hope things resolve themselves for the better for you in 2018

D
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Old 12-25-2017, 05:10 PM
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Aw JJ. You’ve always given me such good advice and support. I hate that you’re feeling so down. And especially for the holidays. A good cry can be very therapeutic. And chocolate. You’ve got both those bases covered, and came here to vent. You’re doing a phenomenal job. I hope that things seem brighter for you tomorrow.
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Old 12-25-2017, 05:30 PM
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JJ, I'm glad you came here and posted about your anxiety.

I think your idea about having a conversation with your husband is a good one. Maybe you will be better able to understand why he feels stress, and perhaps you can remind him to step back and relax a bit? It's not easy, but I do find that open conversation can really help.

Enjoy your trip to Scotland!
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Old 12-25-2017, 05:49 PM
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Originally Posted by JJ991 View Post
...the reason I say that is my dose of citalopram blunts my emotions & I only cry when things are REALLY bad.

I won't go into lots of detail but my husband isn't the man I married anymore. The laid back, fun person has all but gone & has been replaced by a pretty intolerant, grumpy and "stressy" person. I can identify with stress and anxiety but I have put lots of work in to feel better..including giving up alcohol.

He cooked today which was great, but drank beer & a bottle of wine so went for an almost 3 hour "nap". I was ok, having sober fun with our young girls, it was lovely to be 100% there for them. But when my husband got up he stressed about the mess & starting tidying and getting in a grump. It doesn't sound much but this is pretty much every day, the mess seems to totally stress him. We used to not care about it, both of us....I think other things are more important, tidying can wait until the end of the day.

This sounds so petty but it is difficult to explain & I wanted to keep it short!

Home stuff is pretty much the reason I am on anxiety medication. I also used to drink to block it out. It would be so easy to drink now, there is loads in the house. I won't do it, but it would be SO easy. I will NOT go back to day 1 after 91 days.....

Sorry for the Christmas downer
You are an inspiration to me, you stayed sober with booze in the house? WOW, you should be very proud of yourself!! I was married to a clean freak, and it is hard to please everyone, all of the time. Congrats on staying sober!!I think I can, I think I can...xxx
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Old 12-25-2017, 06:15 PM
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You are doing so amazing. I'm so sorry that you're feeling down. Congratulations on your 91 days.
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Old 12-25-2017, 09:37 PM
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JJ - I too am someone that gets stressed about the little stuff (like cleaning).

My wife is my best friend and a wonderful woman. She's one of those people that absolutely everyone likes (and I do mean everyone - it's almost sickening!) because she is so laid back, optimistic, and just sees beauty everywhere and in everyone.

She sometimes has to sit down with me and give me a gentle 'slap'. She picks her time (if I was driving it wouldn't be a great moment as I need to concentrate on the road - and in the UK, Boxing day traffic can be a swine!)

I suppose I'm saying talk to him. Remind him of the man you married and of the beautiful kids you have. Ask him to be a bit more relaxed as seeing his smile makes you float. Seeing his frown makes you weep. Appeal to that side of him that still exists but is masked by depression/worries/drink (who knows).

But most of all - DON'T DRINK.
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Old 12-25-2017, 09:48 PM
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Great job on 90 days! It sounds like tomorrow may be a good opportunity to talk to your husband. I know sometimes my husband makes me nuts with something he has said or done, and when I talk to him about it he doesn't even realize it.

Let us know how things are going.
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Old 12-25-2017, 09:50 PM
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Jj: props to you for staying sober...and for playing with those kids instead of cleaning. Mr. Hungover grumpy man can just deal with it and if he cant, take the kids on an outing. You did well.
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Old 12-25-2017, 10:31 PM
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Hi JJ,

You are my hero. I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult time with the hubby, but the fact that you did not pick up a drink is amazing and gives me strength to keep on. I hope that you are able to talk with him and work through this.

Congratulations on 91 days!!
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Old 12-26-2017, 01:29 AM
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Hey JJ. Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Not sure I'd want to be having that conversation today. Scotland's a long drive, and it'd be horrible staying at someone else's house feeling like there is tension between you. And even if kids don't understand all the words that are said, they quickly pick up on the mood, tone of voice etc, and stuck in the car it's not like they'd have the option of disappearing off to play somewhere else.

Could you maybe just discuss expectations and boundaries for the next few days and then move on to more cheerful matters? After all.. Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction." ( Antoine de Saint-Exupery ) and sometimes when we're not naturally facing the same away this does involve compromise and willingness - especially difficult on the back of a row.

I'd also urge you to pray on this before your trip and ask God to be with you both and guide you. You're married after all. And if you were one of the many people who married in church, you have pretty much invited God to be in your marriage. He can be like a super-strong invisible thread that ties you together in heart and mind, if you keep inviting him. You might think im nuts for even suggesting but what do you have to lose by trying?


BB


PS just in case your like to try a prayer but aren't sure how to start at the moment...

Dear Lord,
I offer you this prayer, to help me with the current situation in our marriage . Please take away all the pain and hurt in my heart, and fill it with love, joy, patience, and understanding.
Bless me and my partner, so that we don't surrender to the challenges that have come our way.
Please fill our hearts with love for each other, and help each one of us to realize each other's worth. Please touch the heart of my partner and fill it with love for me.
Make our complicated relationship become uncomplicated, andd send us your mercy and blessing so that we can spend the rest of our lives with each other in partnership.
Please make this feeling mutual for both of us. Lead us not into temptations. Guide us wherever we go. Always put us in each other's heart and mind.
Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer. Amen.
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