My marriage is suffering because I'm not drinking anymore
 

Hello,

I am wondering if there is anyone out there who finds themselves in the same position as me, or has done in the past. I really need some advice, or at least some assurance that things will be ok.

For the first time in my adult life, I have decided that I need to stop drinking. My relationship with alcohol has deteriorated in recent years and it is absolutely the right thing to do. I was only going one way.

I'm not an abusive drunk - in fact, I'm quite jovial and, on occasion, moderately amusing. Unfortunately, despite having known my wife for almost 20 years, she's never really known the sober me. We used to drink together a lot and we had a lot of fun. She still enjoys a drink because is not the compulsive drinker that I am.

The problem is that she feels that she is being punished for my inability to control my drinking which has led to my decision to choose abstinence. It is putting a real strain on our relationship. She will not drink alone, so she is essentially being forced to abstain. I realise that it is early days (I am only on day 66), but we have probably had the worst month of our entire relationship in these last 4 weeks.

We have 4 beautiful children, a good life and a strong marriage. Failure is not an option. I have seriously considered getting a bottle of wine out this evening. Not because my AV is bothering me, and not because I am having any other urges. In fact, I feel as controlled today as I have ever been. My rational brain just thinks it will help us to get back on track.

This is my first ever thread, so I'm not really sure how to sign off. Any help or advice would be gratefully received.

Welcome to SR Downthepath. Quitting drinking can certainly affect a relationship, just as the problems drinking creates can.

It's difficult for others to understand our addiction/alcohol problems for certain - we have a hard time understanding it ourselves. But if you feel it's important for you to quit, you have made the right decision to do so. As far as your wife feeling "punished", have you have an honest conversation with her about why you decided to quit? It's also entirely possible that she has a problem with alcohol herself. "Normal" drinkers do not view abstinence as a punishment - they woulds simply not drink and think nothing more about it.

Bottom line though, relationship issues are difficult. If you cannot reach a consensus/compromise perhaps you could consider seeking help from an outside party like a marriage counselor?

Is drinking really that important to your wife? If it's negativity impacting you she should respect that and not hold you "responsible" for her having to refrain.
Like you said - you have four children you're both responsible for properly raising. My question to your wife - is alcohol worth jeopardizing them and your marriage?

I’m so sorry that your wife is not being more supportive. I do advise that you both go to a couples counselor to get some third party insight for both of you into this issue. She might need to hear from someone else with a license that she needs to be more supportive and that if she can’t abstain without feeling like she’s being punished, then maybe she also has a problem with alcohol.

it's her choice not to drink, you're not forcing her to do, or not do, anything.

Hi, Downthepath.
Welcome to SR, and congratulations on your sober time.
It really is your wife’s choice to drink or not.
I don’t know you or her, but if she is resenting you because you are not drinking, and she feels that she can’t because you can’t, I’m guessing there is more to it than your sobriety.
Good luck and good thoughts.
P.S. you won’t improve things by opening up a bottle. Please stop thinking that way.
Guard your sobriety. It’s hard won.

Hello Downthepath, welcome here and congratulations on your 66 days.
I am sorry to hear that your great progress is having this impact upon your marriage.
Alcohol is a mood-altering drug. If your wife has spent 20 years with you, much of it in a mood-altered state then this progress will bring changes for you both, but the nett effect will be positive.
I think your wife is fearful of how these changes will play out.
My feeling is you will need to gently probe to find out where her concerns are.
If that doesnt work, then maybe some relationship counselling with a counsellor who understands addiction.
As already stated, the answer cannot lie in a bottle of wine.
I hope you stay dry and that you can find the answer you need.
Victor

I'm just gonna say it. She needs to get over herself.

And she will. Maybe not today, but she will. Her inner toddler will get tired.

p.s. Don't tell her I said that. Just stay the course, quietly.

Sorry things are tricky.

One suggestion I'd make is that you ensure that you still get grown-up time together. She might be feeling that you have left her as well as alcohol. What about still having a regular date night and you taking the lead in suggesting where to go and what to do, but also being open to her suggestions. Maybe put all the ideas in a date box (decorate a box with heart paper even) and let her pull one out.

I think it can be scary for the other person when a long established ay of living and getting on is changed and they don't have any control over it. It may be helpful if you could be extra reassuring for a while.

BB

Thank you all for your responses. I'm not sure we're at the marriage guidance stage just yet. We get on well and we talk a lot. We've spoken a lot this evening, actually, and it turns out that one of the biggest things that is troubling her is my obsession with SR.
I know that I am very different at the moment and that my moods are up and down - which isn't helping.
I tend to agree with you, Bimini. Loved your post. Maybe I'm thinking too much.
After midnight here in Singapore. I'm going to sleep on it..
Goodnight.
PS. I didn't open a bottle of wine.

Reading it back, my response seems a bit glib. I am truly grateful for all of your responses and I will reply in a bit more detail tomorrow.
Goodnight.

Doesn't seem glib to me. But then you agreed with my post, which was decidedly not very forgiving and generous. I had to focus entirely on me in early days, and not let other people get to me too much. I had quite a bit of "getting over myself" to do.

That said, I'm single and not working - so take my words as worth what you pay for it. :wink3: I'm pretty detached.

It's gonna work out. It took me months before I felt "normal." I don't know, maybe your wife has not known you as "normal" for quite some time.

It strikes me as odd that your wife feels that way, but then I lost friends because they felt as I wasn't drinking they lost things in common with me. Crazy really, but so many others have said the same, its a strange phenomenon. So perhaps it isn't so odd. Your wife is choosing not drink, you haven't asked her (as far as I can tell). So her feeling towards it, isn't yours to own. Being a drinker that long, it must change so many dynamics within the marriage and life in general to be sober, perhaps almost like meeting a whole new person, with a new routine. And perhaps this newness is unsettling at first, but in time, it becomes the new normal to drink tea in the evening on the porch together.

I think a lot of different relationships (parent/child, husband/wife, friends) take a while to shift around and settle into a new normal when you have a major life change. You just have to continue on your path and what will be will be. Your sobriety is the most important thing right now, your wife is a grown woman, she can handle herself. Best of luck

My husband was very against me quitting. We used to drink together every day.

However I knew I needed to quit. So I did. I stood up to his comments and sabotage. Over time he got used to me not drinking and often says now that he is very proud of me.

Although his opinion of my sobriety isn't important to me. Mine is.

Well, I suggest you have a heart-to-heart with her and let her know why it's so important for you to stop drinking. You mentioned you have a strong marriage. Hmmmm... maybe in your mind, but if your abstinence is an issue for her then I'd question your assertion.

If she wants to continue to drink that's her business. If she doesn't understand or support you after this talk, then I think it's very selfish, irresponsible, and immature for her to be a hinderance to your recovery. Perhaps she knows you have a problem and she's an enabler. You may want to discuss with a marriage counselor who specializes in alcoholism and relationships if need be.

With respect, your wife is not forced into abstinence. She is an adult who can make her own choices. If she doesn't want to drink alone, she can likely meet up with girlfriends for a drink.

I also wonder why your wife said this it turns out that one of the biggest things that is troubling her is my obsession with SR. I spend time on SR and have for years and it's never interfered with my marriage. I have friends who spend time on Financial forums, Hobby forums, whatever the interest might be. How do you see yourself obsessing about SR? Maybe this is something you can your wife can discuss?

In regards to the SR comment your wife made, I am going to throw a thought out here and please don't take offence. Stay with me.

Could the situation possibly contain an element of that if you quit drinking and spend time on SR and be around people that are sober, that she loses her place in your life as an enabler? Does your wife make efforts to normalise your drinking? If your relationship with alcohol is taking a turn for the worse over a course of years, its unusual, that as a normal drinker as you say your wife is, that she would not have concern for you and your alcohol consumption and not be urging you to consider cutting down or quitting, especially when you have children to raise?

I find the idea that you felt you needed to open a bottle of wine to keep your wife happy and marriage on track, slightly strange. I cant lie. I think I would look a little closer as to the real reasons your wife wants to keep you drinking, is she insecure and worried you could leave her if you are sober? Does she only associate having fun with alcohol, so thinks you shall never have fun again? I think there is something deeper here on your wifes part, and I think you will struggle with success unless you can figure that out, as she really doesn't seem to want you to quit at all.

I'm just honest, and its what I thought, and sometimes someone can ask a questions which can ping a lightbulb somewhere. As again, best of luck

I totally identify with you. Things are much better now but they were very difficult at first. He would say that he didn't know who I was anymore. He liked the drunk me. I on the other hand was MISERABLE. Drinking had turned on me in a major way.

It seemed to take him almost a year to really get that I was actually done drinking. (He still drinks by the way)

I think he felt punished too. He lost his drinking buddy and seemed to go through a mourning period.

The best thing that you can do is to stay sober and keep growing into a better person. Us staying sober is better you, your family and the world overall.

I can relate, but my husband really likes the drink, so I know why we used to have issues when I quit. Is she resentful about not drinking? My husband and I like to talk together a lot, we go to dinner, we are happy in the bedroom....so at this time my not drinking is not an issue, he drinks later in the evening after I’m in bed or reading, I don’t mind that he has drinks later. Are you not finding ways to hang out without it?
@
My problem got bad enough that he gave me an ultimatum, so he has worked around my sober life this time. It wasn’t like that all the times I tried to quit before, though.

If I were you... come up with a list of things to do with wife that don’t involve alcohol, let her have a glasss while you have tea If you want to hangout...the alcohol is just a glass of alcohol, it’s not what the two of you have together. It is a transition though, for socializing in the marriage and with friends, it’s also an adjustment with the intimacy, but you are early days yet, so that’s only one of the adjustments you have yet to make.

I had some issues with my long term relationship after I quit. I can/do go out and not drink now(almost a year),but I changed. She didn't and she's an alcoholic. Drunken arguments over nothing. I'm out of town for work and she's slurring while on the phone,ect..I couldn't take it anymore and stay sober. I chose sober. My ex even sent me a drunken( i'm assuming) text after a few months 'no contact' on my part to tell me "it's over." a couple weeks ago?

I'm not telling you this to discourage you,but WE change in sobriety. Those who we drank with(drinking buddies) also change towards us. What I've been focused on since her 'breakup text'..jeezz! Is myself and my sobriety. I also lost a lot of 'friends' when I quit. The real ones are still a phone call away. To me,now, booze/drugs cloud ALL areas of our lives and once you start to come out of that cloud; you see shlt at face value. Just my $.02.

I wasn't in a relationship for a long time before I quit but the people in my life who knew me as a drinker felt threatened, scared and confronted by my decision to get sober and, with hindsight, I think thats understandable.

Continuing to drink was not an option for me no matter who's nose was put out of joint.

I'd be dead now if I'd continued.

It was my true friends who supported me even tho they might not have understood at the time - they saw I was happier healthier and more at peace sober.

I hope your wife will come to see this too, in time downpath :)

D

I agree that it does mess with 'them'. My ex would get mad at me for going to another AA meeting(when I was court ordered)because I'd already been enough for the week. It was crazy! Then she said "I think I need to go myself. I have a problem." She never went. I really hope she finds herself and peace in life. Sorry,OP..She's been on my mind since that text..Damn alchy's! We sure know how to manipulate! :scared:

Wow. Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.

As I said yesterday, this is the first thread that I have started. I am actually overwhelmed by the volume. I want to take the time to respond to all of you individually, but I don't think that is feasible. It takes me 20 minutes to write a very simple post. It would take me hours to respond to all of you in detail.

Mrs Downthepath and I actually sat up until 3am last night/this morning talking things through. I feel a lot better about it all this morning - although there are still things that we need to sort out. I think I probably chose my words quite clumsily in my first post and I now know that I was projecting a lot of my concerns onto her. I think the word 'punished' was probably misplaced. On reflection, I think that she is mourning the fact that things have changed so much. She just needs to adjust to that. We did have a lot of fun together when we drank. It is hard enough for me to accept that those days have gone and I spent years mulling it over before I took action. It's all new to her. I have confidence that she will come round once she has processed it all.

When I told her that I was contemplating opening a bottle of wine, she was absolutely horrified. She told me categorically that she would not allow me to do it. She accepts that I have a problem and that total abstinence is the only way I can deal with it. She has only drank 2 or 3 times in the last 9 weeks and they were all on social occasions out with other friends who were drinking. I don't think she is a problem drinker, but I may be wrong.

In all of our years together, neither of us have ever drank alone. It has always been quite a big thing for us. I have implored her many times since I have been abstaining to have a glass or two of wine (to assuage my own guilt, admittedly), but she has flatly refused. I think it would be quite a big step forward for us if I could convince her to have a drink with dinner. I'll work on that.

The other thing that this thread has made me realise is just how much I have changed. Things seem to be a lot more serious these days. I guess it will take time for that to even out. My moods are also very up and down in a way that they never were (or I hadn't noticed) before. Another thing is my damn clarity of thought. I used to let things slide because I just couldn't be bothered to think about them, but now every single thing needs to be evaluated and pored over. I need to turn that down a bit, too. I'm also a bit more prone to anger than I was before. Again, this will hopefully settle in time.

It all feels a bit strange, this. Like I am thinking things through - but in 'public'. It has definitely helped me though. I am truly grateful for every single response. I have read each one several times and considered them all sincerely. Writing things down for others to see also forces you to clarify things.

Right. I'm going to go now. I have only been awake for about 7 hours so far today and I have spent two of them on SR - maybe she has a point about that, too.

Thanks again, all.

I have heard of AA widows so mayber there are SR widows too? One thing I often hear partners can feel is a sense of envy. They know the drinker best, have spent years putting up with it, trying to help, they have suffered in all sorts of ways, and then along comes AA or SR, and not only seems to solve the problem, but seems to get all the attention the partner feels they should get. It is understandable , and the problem usually fixes itself as the drinker recovers and gets some balance back in their lives.

I have been married in sobriety and had two long term relationships all with women who were social drinkers.their drinking has never been an issue. They might have a wine with dinner, while I might have water or a soft drink or nothing at all. It is no big deal. My problem is not their problem, in fact it is not even a problem for me. It never occurs to me to drink, or to try and change their habits.

Another area that can be difficult for partners is that some alcoholics, dry but not recovering, can be very hard to live with. Many an AA, including me, have owned up to that one. Stopping drinking is just the beginning.

Just poured the wife a glass of wine. It was harder than I thought...

So perhaps she has a point, Downthepath?
When I stopped drinking, my spouse did too, to show support.
He wasn’t a problem drinker. I was.
I shall be forever grateful for that show of solidarity.
Good thoughts.

You know what? If she doesn't want to drink around you - let that be her decision.

You don't have to try to force a round peg into a square hole, and maybe she is really uncomfortable or maybe she really doesn't want to drink as much and sees the value in not drinking.

Let her pour her own wine at her own time if and when she wants to unless she asks you to pour it (which I'm guessing she won't because it sounds like she's sensitive.)

It's not your business. Stay in your own lane.

It's interesting, isn't it?! I wasn't expecting that at all.
I'm going to stop trying to predict the future and just watch it unfold.
Just to be clear, I didn't force it upon her - we don't work like that. It came out of our conversation from last night. It remains to be seen whether it becomes a regular occurrence, or not.
On reflection, all things considered, I am glad that she had a drink. At least now we both know that it's an option, she knows where we keep it, and I can just focus on me.
Goodnight, and thank you.

This is what I am reacting to...her drinking is her side of the street.

I know it sounds harsh, but I am going to tell you something you may not want to hear. If she feels like she is being punished, it sounds like she may have an issue with drinking as well. It doesn't necessarily mean she's an alcoholic, but if she's longing for a drink she obviously has some sort of mental obsession with alcohol. If she didn't, she would be supportive of you and maybe have a girls night once a week for her cocktails. As I learn more about alcoholism and learn how "normal" people think, I see how different they think from people with alcoholism. Normal people don't having longing or cravings for drinks, or have relationships with the bottle like they "miss" it.