Things going badly, need help.
 

I made it to 31 days and lapsed on my birthday. I did another week and a bit sober then went on a lovely holiday, where I drank on 2 evenings. The first I got drunk, the second I just had a couple. I didnt intend to drink on holiday but i saw other people having a drink and i just desperately wanted to be normal like them. I got home friday and just felt the urge and gave into av and got a few beers on the evening. This turned into me going out after midnight to my neighbours and getting absolutely wasted on a mega binge resulting in me coming home at 6pm on saturday. I am still hungover and coming down, feel absolutely devastated and dreadful. This is not who I want to be. I am not this person. Its time to find my strength again and get back on the horse. I feel lost, ashamed and like I dont know what to do.

Sorry to hear you are feeling down.

What you need to do is think of a better plan that will help you beat this. Maybe write down your plan and when you are tempted refer to it.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

For me, I had to stay away from any places or people where alcohol was involved for many months. That's what worked for me. It took a lot of the stress away and it helped me begin to create a lifestyle that would work for my recovery.

Well, you made it 31 days so you know physically what it feels like to go awhile without alcohol. Sounds like quite a weekend, I would simply be resolute in that is the last time that's going to happen. Get back to living the good life.

What could you have done differently?
This is where you can have an opportunity to learn from it and that why having a plan and being prepared can be so important.

I get it-- that wish to be "normal" and drink like everyone else, but I've accepted that I'm just not and I've accepted that for me to drink will sooner or later not end well.

Just "not drinking" through willpower or being strong never lasted long for me; I needed help and support to change my lifestyle and mindset so that I could stay stopped. I also avoided drinking situations for a long time until I felt much more stable in my sobriety.

I'm glad you are here and posting. I spent a few years alternating between periods of sobriety, and failed attempts at moderation. I now have 20 months sober, and have found that being sober is much easier than attempting to moderate.

What finally work d for me was focusing on recovery, I had a plan (I can hear Dee's voice, or what I imagine Dee's voice to sound like in my head as I type that.) I read and posted on here daily, and still do. I joined a monthlynclass, and checked in with others on there, we supported each other through the good and the bad, and still do. I started looking into mindfulness, and really worked on staying in the present, this is something I am still working on. I began exercising on a regular basis, and read lots of books on recovery. I did not ever allow alcohol to be an option, even on the days when my stress level was high, and my world felt like it was falling apart. I forced myself to deal tight those emotions, rather than dulling them temporarily with alcohol.

It was didficult in the beginning, but it got easier as the days passed.

Look into joining the September class, and also check in on the 24 hour thread, they are both great supports.

You can do this!!!

If you've posted about any recovery programs you are using besides Sober Recovery, I didn't see it. So, the first suggestion that comes to mind is more help. Rational Recovery is an option. But that's done on one's own, like SR. If doing it on your own is a struggle, and it seems like it is, then face to face support might give you that boost you need. A lot of people balk at the suggestion of AA, but you seem sick of being the person you've become. Time to consider what you might have rejected before.

I'm really glad you made it back AK.

I believe addiction is a condition we underestimate at our peril.

I think the general advie here, to find more support and make more changes is good advice.

A recovery plan can help you stay sober - for good.

There's some great ideas on recovery plans here:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ery-plans.html

it takes commitment and effort - but you can do this :)

D